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The Joke Thread by TheDigitalAlchemist
Started on: 05-03-2022 10:38 PM
Replies: 329 (6390 views)
Last post by: cliffw on 09-10-2024 09:56 AM
TheDigitalAlchemist
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Report this Post05-03-2022 10:38 PM Click Here to See the Profile for TheDigitalAlchemistClick Here to visit TheDigitalAlchemist's HomePageSend a Private Message to TheDigitalAlchemistEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
A pair of cows were hanging out in a field.

One says, “Hey, have you heard about that mad cow disease that’s been going around?”

“Yeah,” The other cow replies. “Makes me glad I’m a horse!”

------------
Think you got a better (or worse) one?

Lets hear it

[This message has been edited by TheDigitalAlchemist (edited 05-03-2022).]

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Report this Post05-03-2022 11:09 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Jake_DragonSend a Private Message to Jake_DragonEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Towels are the number one cause of dry skin.
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Report this Post05-03-2022 11:50 PM Click Here to See the Profile for cvxjetSend a Private Message to cvxjetEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
I came up with this a few years ago...Not quite as effective now, and it works better if you vocally tell the joke (Written is not as good)

An old man and young man sitting on a park bench.....Old man gets done talking on his cell phone, slaps it shut and says "Dang it!"

Young man asks, "What's wrong, Pops?"

Old man, "Every time I call about the problems I'm having with the new healthcare system, they tell me I shouda gone to Asia when I was younger!"

Young man looks startled; "'Asia when you were younger'? What the heck are they saying to you?"

Old man, "It's all technical jargon....but they keep saying "Youth in Asia"

Say the last bit (Youth in Asia) as one word and you'll get it (Some younger people don't know the word)

[This message has been edited by cvxjet (edited 05-04-2022).]

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Report this Post05-04-2022 05:14 AM Click Here to See the Profile for MidEngineManiacSend a Private Message to MidEngineManiacEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Written on a gas station bathroom wall....

What are you looking up here for, the joke is in your hand.
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Report this Post05-04-2022 09:54 AM Click Here to See the Profile for SageSend a Private Message to SageEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said...
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!"

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85." said the clerk.

"How come so much! I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

HAGO!
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Report this Post05-04-2022 01:11 PM Click Here to See the Profile for A_Lonely_PotatoSend a Private Message to A_Lonely_PotatoEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
A favourite that my dad has passed on to me;


What is red and green, and goes a hundred miles an hour?

A frog in a blender!
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Report this Post05-04-2022 08:41 PM Click Here to See the Profile for RaydarSend a Private Message to RaydarEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' when they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke this window?'

'Uh....yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you..

You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses, what do you think?' S h e mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.' Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies.'
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Report this Post05-04-2022 08:45 PM Click Here to See the Profile for RaydarSend a Private Message to RaydarEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post

Raydar

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Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go? Wonder no more!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
...
You really didn't believe that I knew anything about penguins, did you?
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Report this Post05-05-2022 03:01 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Cheever3000Send a Private Message to Cheever3000Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
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Report this Post05-05-2022 04:15 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Jake_DragonSend a Private Message to Jake_DragonEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Pro-Golfer said it must take a lot of balls to play golf the way I do
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Report this Post05-06-2022 07:43 AM Click Here to See the Profile for OldsFieroSend a Private Message to OldsFieroEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Tiger Woods is at a big golf tournament in Ireland. Between rounds, he takes his rented BMW out to tour the countryside. He stops to get gas and as the attendant is filling the car, Tiger gets out to stretch his legs. As he does, two golf tees fall out onto the ground. The attendant says "aye, what be dem tings?" Tiger says " they hold up my balls when I'm driving".
The Irishman says "Jaysus, BMW tink of everyting!"
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Report this Post05-07-2022 02:21 PM Click Here to See the Profile for shemdoggSend a Private Message to shemdoggEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post

lmao

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Report this Post05-07-2022 10:24 PM Click Here to See the Profile for IMSA GTSend a Private Message to IMSA GTEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
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Report this Post05-08-2022 07:03 AM Click Here to See the Profile for OldsFieroSend a Private Message to OldsFieroEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Wisdom:

An old bull and a young bull are up on a hill. The young bull says " lets run down there and breed a couple of them heifers."


The old bull says "lets WALK down and breed them all."
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Report this Post05-08-2022 12:33 PM Click Here to See the Profile for cvxjetSend a Private Message to cvxjetEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
I draw cartoons sometimes- when something funny occurs to me....



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Report this Post05-09-2022 07:49 AM Click Here to See the Profile for AustralianClick Here to visit Australian's HomePageSend a Private Message to AustralianEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Why did the chicken cross the road? ****

[This message has been edited by Australian (edited 05-09-2022).]

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Report this Post05-09-2022 09:59 AM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Think you got a better (or worse) one?

Lets hear it

ok

What's long and brown and looks like a stick?

A stick.
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Report this Post05-23-2022 02:48 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Three Brothers

One of two things, Food, or Sex, and what I figure, they are on a mission to get some strange... uh.. Pussy.

[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 04-07-2024).]

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Report this Post05-24-2022 11:07 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post

How was your day ?
Bonk !

At about the 3.5 second mark, you may compare the size of the GW's pectoral fin to the diver, allowing you to appreciate the sheer gargantuan girth of the ' fish '.
Clearly, the evolved intelligence of the 1-1/2-ton predator is what spared the abalone hunter from an instant decapitation, a gak moment !
' Gee, that was close ! ', as the enormous tail swished by. ' Yeeks ! '
Note how many commentors write what they think the GW is thinking, anthropomorphizing a dinosaur's logic, wrongly, in error. the fish is thinking ' Eat ? or, not Eat ? '
You should so watch his video :
Near Miss, Ron Elliot's GW encounters in the Farallons
Near Miss 2018, a clear still of the approaching GW, four feet away.
Project White Shark — The Farallon Islands

Great White in the Sea of Cortez Geez Louise, that is a big shark !
Closely examining the bonk video, freeze frame, measuring, scaling, a similarly huge predator, yikes !
Seals hunted, by reconnaissance and planning, memory and mapping, camouflaging by undersea terrain.
No joke.

There was another abalone diver...
Estimated at 16-18 feet. Remembered from years ago,
the facts triggering the memories of the Jaws movies.
' We're gonna need a bigger boat ! '

[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 04-08-2024).]

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Report this Post05-24-2022 11:45 PM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Honor your parents. After all, they graduated without google.
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Report this Post05-28-2022 09:12 AM Click Here to See the Profile for cliffwSend a Private Message to cliffwEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
I think you may like this ... :

Millennial Baseball
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I think suburban living is starting to get to you.
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Report this Post05-28-2022 05:45 PM Click Here to See the Profile for SageSend a Private Message to SageEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post



One dark night in the small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink, the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, ‘All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.’

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly, from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, New Jersey.

This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside, the other firefighters watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment, he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The ‘on camera’ reporter asked the Italian fire chief, ‘What are you going to do with all that money?’

‘Wella,’ said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, ‘de fursta tinga we gonna do, isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!’

HAGO!

(I know it's an "old one"......but still funny to me every time I read/hear it!)
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Racing theory.
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Report this Post05-30-2022 02:19 PM Click Here to See the Profile for cvxjetSend a Private Message to cvxjetEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Many years ago (Around 1990) my neighbor gave me a birthday card....For years I thought the cartoon on the front was a "The Far Side" cartoon.....




Years later, I looked it up on line and realized it was a different cartoonist- Leigh Rubin....And while perusing some of his cartoons I came across what I think has to be the best use of words that mean different things (Homophones is the technical term)

[This message has been edited by cvxjet (edited 05-30-2022).]

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Report this Post05-30-2022 09:37 PM Click Here to See the Profile for MidEngineManiacSend a Private Message to MidEngineManiacEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
As I gazed across the table at my date I felt this tingling running through my body.
It was them I realised I had drugged the wrong drink.
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Report this Post06-02-2022 08:28 AM Click Here to See the Profile for OldsFieroSend a Private Message to OldsFieroEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
An old one, but a good one.

" What to say when someone tells you that you don't know Jack Schitt:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.

Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they had Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

- U don't know Jack Schitt
- Yes i do, he's Awe and O. Schitt's son "

Author unknown ( to me ).
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Report this Post06-05-2022 05:59 PM Click Here to See the Profile for cvxjetSend a Private Message to cvxjetEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
I drew up a cartoon- about overly loud MC riders.....

[This message has been edited by cvxjet (edited 06-05-2022).]

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Report this Post06-11-2022 12:41 AM Click Here to See the Profile for MidEngineManiacSend a Private Message to MidEngineManiacEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Buddy of mine got into the paranormal, and went to check out a haunted whore-house.

Said he wanted to try a ghost box.
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Report this Post06-17-2022 11:55 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
The Paddler -
Blew the Turbin -
I think I can !

[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 06-17-2022).]

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Report this Post07-07-2022 05:08 AM Click Here to See the Profile for MidEngineManiacSend a Private Message to MidEngineManiacEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Assassination attempted on Biden Saturday. A pretending to be a transgender liberal came up to Biden to shake his hand for doing such a great job as president. Biden’s Secret Service guard frisked the guy to make sure he was clean (meant dirty). They discovered the guy was carrying two full bottles of Head and Shoulders shampoo and immediately arrested him for attempting to off Biden. What is so dangerous about the shampoo you ask? Head and Shoulders removes flakes.
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Woody
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Report this Post07-23-2022 06:40 PM Click Here to See the Profile for MidEngineManiacSend a Private Message to MidEngineManiacEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
After having the 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor (veterinarian) and told him the he and his wife (cousin) didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure call a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home and get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it and put it in a empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." so he wanted a second opinion and he visited a doctor in Georgia.
That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but seeing his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home and get a cherry bomb light it and put it in a empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
Since the second doctor told him of the same procedure of the first doctor he decided that it MUST work. So the man went home, lit the cherry bomb and put it in the beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand….

*This procedure also works in Tennessee, Mississippi, Kentucky, West Virginia, Florida, So. Carolina, Missouri and Arkansas.
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