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The Joke Thread by TheDigitalAlchemist
Started on: 05-03-2022 10:38 PM
Replies: 329 (6391 views)
Last post by: cliffw on 09-10-2024 09:56 AM
maryjane
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Report this Post02-18-2023 09:39 PM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
According to a survey, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are Not Happy.
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Valkrie9
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Report this Post02-18-2023 10:49 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post


The largest one, Humpy, he's not happy anymore either, he can't remember, anything.
' Jeremy ', it's nickname, given to him by Snow White, always going at it.
The other six chided him, for not getting any work done in the mine.
' Humpy, if you and your Jeremy don't slow down your schtupping with Snowy, you'll lose your mind eventually. '
' How would you know Stumpy ? '

And so, in the end, the seven dwarves lived out their lives with Snow White in their forest home, happily providing for her.
Happily ever after, in a perfect world, digging diamonds by day.
Digging Snowy by night.
' Groovy Humpy '

Walt Disney 1937.
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Report this Post02-20-2023 01:24 AM Click Here to See the Profile for cvxjetSend a Private Message to cvxjetEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
OK- just came up with a lame joke;

[This message has been edited by cvxjet (edited 02-20-2023).]

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Report this Post02-20-2023 10:17 AM Click Here to See the Profile for shemdoggSend a Private Message to shemdoggEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Why do lesbians only shop at Foot Locker?
Because they don't like Dicks
---------------


What does the sign say at a brothel that's gone out of business?
Beat it. We're closed.
-----------------------

Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”
Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”
Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”
----------------------

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...
The tour guide tried to intervene but it was no use.
Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”
Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.
--------------------------

A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
-----------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a “Curse” he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says “maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation “‘I now pronounce you man and wife'”.
---------------

Two retired elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear.
He said "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?"
He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
------------------------------

Doctor ( to prostitute ): "The problem is with your aviaries."
Prostitute: "Don't you mean ovaries, doctor ?"
Doctor: "No, there's been a cockatoo in there !"


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Valkrie9
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Report this Post02-21-2023 05:54 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post

' Day ? It's Happy's day ! '
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maryjane
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Report this Post02-21-2023 07:54 AM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Lucifer Ornamental Yokum?
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Valkrie9
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Report this Post02-21-2023 11:20 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post

Daisy Mae Yokum's Blue Shmoo Savings Bond Drive '42
Exile in Dogpatch
Pappy Yokum, otherwise known as Lucifer Ornamental Yokum Some other things unkown.
From the time I began to learn to read, I always knew Daisy was hot. It's been six decades.



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Report this Post02-21-2023 05:04 PM Click Here to See the Profile for MidEngineManiacSend a Private Message to MidEngineManiacEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Bought myself a Ouija board mouse pad.

I'm trying to play solitaire and next thing I know I've summoned 20 demons. Thats not too bad, but the ass holes cheat !

[This message has been edited by MidEngineManiac (edited 02-21-2023).]

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Valkrie9

1721 posts
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'32 Ford.
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Report this Post02-25-2023 09:12 AM Click Here to See the Profile for shemdoggSend a Private Message to shemdoggEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
LMAO that was good, def sounds like he says douche in the song lol.
More groaners coming up


What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It's called wedding cake.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.
--------------

A guy in my town was shot yesterday while holding a starter's pistol.
They suspect the crime was race related.
-------------------

"My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a transformer.
I said, No, wait! I can change!"
------------------


An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding..


Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you, but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
--------------------------------

Where does dill bread come from?
Dill dough
------------------------------

Q. What is white, higher than a weather balloon and owned by China?

A. Hunter Biden
-----------------------------

They started playing **** at the fuel pumps....

This is so you can watch someone else being screwed at the same time as you.
-----------------------------

A man steps into a bar...

... and orders a beer. ‟o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please.”

The Bartender responds ‟Hey buddy.. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a blowjob. I suggest you try the same.”

After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves. The next day the man comes to the bar again. ‟o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please.”

The bartender chuckles ‟My suggestion did not work, did it?”

The man responds ‟n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house


shem

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Report this Post02-25-2023 02:48 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post

What are the odds ?
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Report this Post02-26-2023 10:56 AM Click Here to See the Profile for shemdoggSend a Private Message to shemdoggEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…
she asked me to move out with her.
------------------------

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
----------------------------

Before I was born, God gave me two options:
A good memory or a big penis. I don't remember which one I chose.
-------------------------

"My wife was complaining about how I never stand up for myself.
I got so pissed off, I almost said something."
------------------------

They have finally discovered the origin of the word "vegan".
It is apparently an old Indian word for "bad hunter"

shem
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Report this Post02-26-2023 01:15 PM Click Here to See the Profile for williegoatClick Here to visit williegoat's HomePageSend a Private Message to williegoatEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
I nominate shemdogg for the Henny Youngman Award.

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Report this Post03-04-2023 09:27 PM Click Here to See the Profile for shemdoggSend a Private Message to shemdoggEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Humbly accepted!

Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse. On one side of the store are lumbering,
ugly things with mucus coming out their noses, dragging themselves around.
Then, on the other side.........................................................................................................
are the zombies.
----------------------------

Carrots may be good for your eyes, but.....
Alcohol can double your vision.
-----------

God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

poof All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift. Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so many people just ignored me standing there.

Man: don’t worry about it! That’s just what good people do.

After a few minutes driving the man leans over,

Man: Hey, I have this sandwich here, ya want some?

Jesus: wow, thank you sir, that’s so kind of you! I’d love some.

A few more minutes pass and the man leans over again,

Man: Hey I have a few beers in the cooler back there, want one?

Amazed by the man’s kindness Jesus replies,

Jesus: wow sure! I’d love one. Thank you again.

After a few more miles down the road the man looks around suspiciously and says,

Man: hey…I uh, have a little joint here. Want to take a few puffs with me?

Jesus pauses for a second and replies,

Jesus: ya know what, why not!

So the man and Jesus drive down the road smoking the fattest joint listening to music and having a good time. Finally, Jesus speaks up,

Jesus: okay listen! I can’t keep quiet any longer! You have been so kind, so nice, I want to tell you…I’m Jesus! God sent me down here to help the people and you’ve just been so kind. What can I do to repay you? Anything!

The man looks at Jesus with a nodding grin on his face and says, “Good sh%$, huh?”
---------------------------------

My Chinese neighbors had waffles for breakfast yesterday.
Those bastards, I loved that cat.
-----------------------------------

What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.
----------------------------------

Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 4 inches, which only goes to show how big the Chinese population has been getting.
-----------------------------------

An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
"If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand solemnly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You bang her again."
-------------------------------------

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot. "Lord", he prayed,"I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.
Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."
-------------------------------------

What do you call a car with OCD ?
Arrange Rover
------------------------------------

I just started a support group for people with OCD.
We meet five times a day.
-----------------------------------

Apple has a new invention!
They have figured out a way to put speakers inside of silicone breast implants. They call it the "E-boob".
Now they have finally put an end to the age-old problem of women complaining that men stare at their boobs, but don't listen to them.



shem


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Valkrie9
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Report this Post03-06-2023 10:01 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Men in Black Too

Focus on the blue dress.

Linked Pepperoni

[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 03-06-2023).]

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maryjane
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Report this Post03-07-2023 08:14 AM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X. She's never coming back and don't ask Y.

A slice of pie is $2.50 USD in Jamaica and $3.50USD in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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maryjane

69774 posts
Member since Apr 2001
Sundays, for some people, always seem a little sad.
But the day before... is a sadder day.

What's Irish and stays outside all year?
Paddy O' Furniture.
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maryjane
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Report this Post03-10-2023 04:34 PM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
My wife asked me if she was the only one I've ever been with.


I said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights."


and that's when the fight started
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Report this Post03-11-2023 07:31 AM Click Here to See the Profile for OldsFieroSend a Private Message to OldsFieroEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by maryjane:

My wife asked me if she was the only one I've ever been with.


I said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights."


and that's when the fight started


Ha Ha. We listened to Bobby Bares' There ain't no tens the other day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5yJvtM04VQ

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Report this Post03-11-2023 10:41 AM Click Here to See the Profile for shemdoggSend a Private Message to shemdoggEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
More groaners comin up!

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
--------------------------------------------

Follow the Science! 90% of Scientists agree

with the people who fund them.

--------------------------------------------

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, sweetie; Chicken, beef or fish?"
I said, "Thanks, I'll have chicken."
She replied, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the cat."
------------------------------------------------

Warning: Due to the price increase on ammo...................................do not expect a warning shot.

Upon further review.................................I'm going to need another drink.

Whiskey: The nightime sniffling, sneezing, how the **** did I end up on the bathroom floor medicine.

No Trespassing - We're tired of hiding the bodies.

Drinking rum before 10 a.m. makes you a pirate, NOT an alcoholic.

Education is important...............................but fishing is importanter.
------------------------------------------

Husband: “Honey, I had an accident at work. Sabrina took me to the hospital. They did all kinds of X-rays and tests, and said I was in a bad state with a concussion and multiple broken bones. And worst of all, they have to amputate my left leg!”
Wife: “Who's Sabrina?”

-----------------------------------------

Last Saturday I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh!t?”
-----------------------------------------

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor (deeply sighs): Denephew.
---------------------------------------------------

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…”
-------------------------------------------------------

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Four months' vacation and five good leads…”
----------------------------------------------------------------

A guy is driving happily along in his car...
...with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"
"No, why?" replies the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
--------------------------------------------------------------

My wife really hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes nude in her yard.
Personally, I'm on the fence about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello, my name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name", he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I chose it myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most, cars and men. What's your name?", she asked.
After a moment, he answered, "B.J. Titsangolf."
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!
-------------------------------------------------

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
----------------------------------------------------

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small, $6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking dejected.

“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.
“She’d rather remodel the kitchen...”
------------------------------------------------------

A blind man went to a restaurant.

Menu sir? asked the owner. I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order.

The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.
Unbelievable, thought the owner.

The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork.

The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
-----------------------------------------------------

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So, she continues upward. The third-floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that enjoy making love.
The second floor has wives that enjoy making love and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.
---------------------------------------------

“I have good news and bad news,” a defense attorney told his client.

“First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.”

“Oh, no!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is down to 140.”
------------------------------------------------

Feminists say that all men are pigs...
And then they say "women are equal to men."
-----------------------------------------------

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer, and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched. “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.


Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”


The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
----------------------------------------

"My wife asked me to pass her lip balm. I gave her super glue instead.She's still not talking to me."
-----------------------------------------

I dated a chess champion
We went to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths. Took her 14 moves to pass me the salt and pepper
-----------------------------------------

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
---------------------------------------------

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it nearly always turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits’ end trying to control them and after hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk to them.

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So, the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across from the huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”

Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, “Where is God?”

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief and quickly said, “We are in big trouble!”

The older boy asked, “What do you mean, big trouble?”

His brother replied, “God is missing, and they think we did it!”
----------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks, “If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?”

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says, “It would to be something spectacular to take that offer.” The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.

Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man “You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this.” The man says, “In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them.” Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.

A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man “I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands.” The man chuckles and says, “Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”
-------------------------------------------


Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing.They are called pinion feathers. A crow only has 16.
So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
shem
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Valkrie9
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Report this Post03-28-2023 09:23 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Red Balloon... fixed it !

[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 03-29-2023).]

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Report this Post03-29-2023 02:05 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Santa Fe
Behind the plexiglass curtain, there they were.
' Passport please ! '
They had never read about the wall, the Berlin Wall, or looked at a map.
' Map ? '

[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 03-29-2023).]

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Report this Post03-29-2023 04:34 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post

Valkrie9

1721 posts
Member since Jan 2021
Shakespeare


Caesar
Having no knowledge of the Emperor until the age of 49, would be a life bereft of history.

[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 03-29-2023).]

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Ask your Google or Alexa or Siri how to say "Pick my most beautiful side" in Dutch
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Report this Post04-02-2023 09:54 AM Click Here to See the Profile for shemdoggSend a Private Message to shemdoggEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"Well no, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
-

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says "G".
The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
-

One day, Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked the kids to learn a new word over the weekend. On Monday, they would have to use the new word in a sentence.
Little Susie's new word was 'Hospitality'. "My Mom and Dad stayed at a hotel with good hospitality", she said.
Johnny's word was 'Contagious'. He said, "My dad and his friend were sitting at the table having a beer, while Mom was mowing the lawn. Dad said to his friend, 'It's going to take that contagious to mow that lawn'."
-

Please stop making new flavors of Coca Cola. Either put the cocaine back in, or leave it alone.

shem


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shemdogg

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Report this Post04-07-2023 06:27 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Cape Cobra Airlines
Snake Wrangler
' You must be joking ! ' ~ Air traffic controller, Cape Town, SA.
' Passengers, try to be very, very still, I will land soon. '

Montagu, South Africa
Travel by maps, looking around.

[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 04-19-2023).]

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Report this Post04-09-2023 08:10 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
Jen
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Valkrie9
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Report this Post04-12-2023 11:40 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post

That's funny, and why I enjoyed the movie Happy Gilmore.
No. 6 at Arnold Palmer
Golf makes me interested in dimples. unnngh !
There was this time, late '70s down in the ravine, par 5. Eagle.

' For real, that's no joke '


Oh my gosh ! It went in !
Money Shot

Start it up !
Trying on outfits, offscreen
Ah, dreams of hitting it, far, far harder.

Hitting it farther, making it feel better.
From all around the planet, comments are still coming in...

[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 04-16-2023).]

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Report this Post04-12-2023 07:43 PM Click Here to See the Profile for shemdoggSend a Private Message to shemdoggEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
I was Moving Pictures the other day when my wife
decided to get her hair done with Permanent Waves. She gave me a Caress of Steel, but I wasn't picking up her Signals. It was getting late, 2112 military time, so I decided to Fly by Night and said A Farewell to Kings and chose to Exit Stage Left. She asked what's the Rush? It's not like we live in different Hemispheres. So exercising my Freewill, I decided to stay and we've been Closer to the Heart ever since.


I called the Tinnitus help line,
Nobody answered, it just kept ringing


I didn't think I'd ever be turned on by
population statistics.........................but I eventually came to my census.


An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a dude walking by. “Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?”
“Sure, buddy,” says the dude, rooting around his pocket.
“That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?”
The dude snaps to attention and says, “No, sir!”


Why do they call it a 'tampon'?
'Beaver dam' was already taken.

A man is in recovery after surgery, when a young nurse comes to check on him. Through his oxygen mask, he asks the nurse in a muffled voice, "Are my testicles black?"
The inexperienced nurse decides to ignore the patient's strange question, but after few moments he asks her again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
So she pulls back the blanket, lifts his gown, moves his penis aside and looks at his testicles.
"Your testicles are just fine, Sir, there is nothing wrong with them."
The man slowly reaches up, removes his oxygen mask, smiles and says, "I appreciate that, but what I wanted to know was, are my test results back?"

shem
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Report this Post04-14-2023 07:29 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post


Bartenders

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Report this Post04-16-2023 06:36 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post

Valkrie9

1721 posts
Member since Jan 2021
Methane propelled Manure Spreader-Repellent Sprayer, for the unsane motorists in BC, and other jurisdictions.

Yeah, 5 lbs of turd spray in return for road-ragers imbecilic goof moves while driving, and at other times.
Caution is warranted in some states.
Hoo Haw, imported from Texas.
Be cool, may result in escalation by the flipped out section 8s.
Be ready, because you have to be ready at all times, wary and prepared.

Things are getting weird out there.

Winners...yeah, right.
Rager follows you home...
Things are messed up, people seem to be freaking out far too often, on camera even.

Endless, and growing psychotics outbreak, like, they were injected with an alien substance and are assimilating into zombie hordes.
Maybe, divorce and restraining order is necessary, to keep the peace.
I'm thinking, some of these imbeciles need to be detained for observation, potential serials, of some kind.
Yeah, a strait jacket, some nice mellow sedatives and a few days of relaxed dialog with Ai tests for uh.. scanning.
lol

You know, you know, the government owes you 55mph for 75% of the time you have been driving, for your entire life.

[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 04-16-2023).]

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Report this Post04-17-2023 09:28 AM Click Here to See the Profile for shemdoggSend a Private Message to shemdoggEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
I went to the pharmacy and told the pharmacist,a longtime friend of the family, that I needed some cyanide. (I want to kill my wife!)
She said, "I can't sell you cyanide, that's illegal and I could go to jail!"
I reached into my pocket and handed her a pic of her husband with my wife.
She said, "Oh! I didn't know you had a prescription!"


My wife keeps a spray can of Cedar air freshener in the bathroom.
So, instead of it smelling like someone chit in there, it smells like someone chit on a stack of freshly cut firewood in there.


The attractive cashier told me ,"Strip down, facing me."
By the time I realized she meant the debit card, it was too late.


"How much of an allowance did you get as a teenager per week?"
"I was allowed to live there."
Dumplings imply the existence of one large Dumple.


Life is basically trying to avoid people that have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40- and 41-degrees north latitude and between 59- and 60-degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!!!”


shem

[This message has been edited by shemdogg (edited 04-17-2023).]

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Valkrie9
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Report this Post04-19-2023 06:35 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Valkrie9Send a Private Message to Valkrie9Edit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
^^
' A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost... '
That's a good one.

Get a Grip !
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Report this Post04-19-2023 08:26 PM Click Here to See the Profile for otakududeSend a Private Message to otakududeEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by Valkrie9:

Jen


Third base!
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Report this Post04-23-2023 08:48 PM Click Here to See the Profile for shemdoggSend a Private Message to shemdoggEdit/Delete MessageReply w/QuoteDirect Link to This Post
I like to say "mucho" when I'm around Mexicans
It means a lot to them.

Spanish athlete Beatriz Flamini emerged after almost no contact with the outside world during her impressive feat of human endurance.
Almost as long as Brandon did when campaigning in 2019.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there,” answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.”
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

--------------------------------
I used to believe that sticks & stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.
Then I got smacked with a dictionary.
-----------------------------------
On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a businessman stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Well-dressed, tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet-black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."

--------------------------------------


The little meek gay guy has a crush on a proctologist. He sets up an appointment for an exam.
As he walks in, the doctor asks what his problem is...
Little guy says i have a pain in my tussey...
Doc has him disrobe and starts the exam, finds a stem sticking out of the little guys ass
My bloody weird, you have a stem coming out your anus.
Doctor starts pulling, more stem, more stem, finally a red rose appears..
Doc says you had a red rose up your ass
Little guy yells, Read the card, read the card!

shem

[This message has been edited by shemdogg (edited 04-23-2023).]

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