That joke is just nuts. ---------------------------
How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?
He force feeds himself. --------------------------
My anxiety gets really bad when I drive over bridges
My therapist says I have truss issues. -------------------------
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
----------------------
You want to confiscate American guns?
How about taking them from criminals?
You know, like a test run? -----------------------
Members of Congress should be required to wear uniforms like NASCAR race drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors.
-------------------------
NSA: A government agency that actually listens to you.
---------------------------
Bill Clinton, George W Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
Washington shouts, "save the women,"
Bush hollers, "screw the women,
Clinton asks excitedly, "do we have time?" -----------------------------
My cat takes notes at meetings.
He uses scratch pads. ---------------------------
I used to be a watch repairman.
I worked around the clock. ---------------------------
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan! --------------------------
What's the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse. ---------------------------
What's the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing. -----------------------------
My daughter asked me....
...do all fairy tales begin with "once upon a time"?
I told her no. Most of them begin with "if elected to office I promise". ----------------------------
School Best Sellers...
Walking To School The First Day Back by Misty Bus
The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me by I. Rhoda Bike
Can't See The Chalkboard by Sidney Backrow
Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School by Major Crackupp
What I Dislike About Returning To School by Mona Lott
Making It Through The First Week Of School by Gladys Saturday
Is Life Over When Summer Ends? by Midas Welbee
What I Love About Returning To School by I. M. Kidding
Will Jimmy Finally Graduate? by I. Betty Wont
What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School by U. Will Gettitt
---------------------------------
I'm into fitness
I'm fitn'iss hamberger into my mouf.
--------------------------------
Two Irish nuns were sitting in their car at a
traffic light when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside.
"Hey, show us your tits you bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret and says "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross!"
So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Sod off you little focking wankers before I get out and rip your gotdam balls off!"
Sister Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
--------------------------------
The media never quotes Biden out of context
because most of what he says is unintelligible. ------------------------------
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch."
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding." --------------------------------
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages. ----------------------------------
You will find them at the protests, deluded, demented, drugged, their intent is to devour you. ' Remove the head, or, destroy the brain ! ' ~ Shaun of the Dead
Zombies, one mile !
Do not attempt to forgive your loved ones, bash them without remorse !
You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3:30 and have summers off."
It is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.
You can tell it's a full moon or if it's going to rain, snow, hail... anything!!! without ever looking outside.
You believe, "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on a report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no social life between August and June.
You think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.
You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".
You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U- HAUL boxes should they decide to move out of district.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students' chairs with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, "Why is this kid like this?"
You would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.
You think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons... and desks and chairs for that matter!
The words "I have a college debt for this?" has ever come out of your mouth.
You know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year! -------------------------------
Ran out of toilet paper and having to use lettuce leaves.
Today was the tip of the iceberg. -------------------------------
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults.
I don’t listen – and something else ----------------------------
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners. -----------------------------
Most forgiving celebrity: Dolly Pardon ------------------------------
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die." -------------------------------
Here at Fisher Investments, we don't believe in commissions
......................plus, we're almost all women.
That's why we're called a fi-douche-iary. -----------------------------
My primary doctor recommended I see a functional neuropathist.
I said, "Well, I hope so.............why would I want to see a non-functional one ? --------------------------------
As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.
"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me."
I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his head. "I can't," he said.
"Why not?"
Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers." ---------------------------------
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee calling fowls.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken scientist cross the road? To invent the other side.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull? Just the pit bull. -----------------------------------
I may be old, but............................
..............I got to see the world before it went to **** . ---------------------------------
Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 257 dollars. Next..." ------------------------------
What did the lovesick bull say to the cow ?
"When I fall in love, it will be forheifer." ( sorry lol) ----------------------------------
It always irked my mother that her grocery store
didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.
Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six!
She was so excited, she bought two. -------------------------------
Exercise helps you with decision-making.
It's true. I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again. -------------------------------
Why is it hard to argue with a woman not wearing a bra ?
She's already made two good points, and you can't get past that. ------------------------------
The "czech engine" light is always on in my Yugo -----------------------------
The statistical data proving that the IQ of each generation after the 'Baby Boomers' has been dropping is well documented.
It's been a rapid linear decline but Scientists fear it may drop even faster, in part due to factors related to Covid19.
For those of you who are skeptical that this is true.....consider this:
When I bought my first new car, the owner's manual gave me instructions so I could adjust the valve clearance on the intake and exhaust valves properly.
New cars now have owner's manuals that tell them not to drink the contents of the battery or the radiator. -----------------------------
My anti-theft car
Stick shift, actual key to start it and instructions on how to drive it written in cursive -------------------------------
Women are like swimming pools.
They cost a lot to maintain considering the amount of time you spend inside. ------------------------------
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed! -------------------------------
I find that I've been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice.
My doctor explained that it's the Vitamin C and natural sugars, but I really think it's the Vodka. ----------------------------
This woman casually undressed in front of me.
Does this mean:
1) She's an exhibitionist. 2) She may be girlfriend material. 3) She hasn't spotted me peeking through the blinds yet. --------------------------
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Without geometry, life is pointless. ---------------------------
I got gas today for $1.49...
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell. --------------------------
My wife informed me that weight loss helps improve a man's sexual health and performance.
I said, "So which gym do you plan to join. ?" ---------------------------
I made a new film called 'Constipated'
It hasn't come out yet. ---------------------------
common sense is not a gift it's a punishment
because you have to deal with all the people that have none ---------------------------
I was talking to this old couple, and I asked what do they do for fun? The old fella said, well last week we came into town and did a bit of shopping, and we spotted a policeman writing a ticket on the car. I said to him have a bit of pity on an old man, he kept writing, so I said, you’re mean bastard and he started writing another ticket, the missus then said, you're a mean bastard with a little dick!! He then began to write another ticket for the bald tires but it didn’t worry us as we came in on the bus!!! --------------------------------
You want to go electric ? Start with the border! ------------------------------
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.
The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The waiter said, "OK then, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a &%^$^% Chihuahua?? -------------------------------
I saw my 75 year old neighbor from across the
street lying face down behind his car.
At first, I thought he was looking at something under his car then realized that he had fallen. I went over to check on him while my wife called 911.
He hit his shoulder and head on the pavement but thankfully, he was not seriously injured and is doing much better.
Paramedics showed up and after checking my neighbor's vitals, one of the Paramedics asked him a question to test his mental awareness since he had an obvious head injury.
The Paramedic asked my neighbor, "Who is the President of the United States?"
My neighbor replied, "Trump!"
The Paramedic said, "In a perfect world!"
Then the Paramedic told my neighbor, "The President is Joe Biden but, that's OK, Biden doesn't know he's President either." --------------------------
The donkey told the tiger: ′′The grass is blue.”
The tiger replied: ′′No, the grass is green.”
The discussion became heated up, and the two decided to submit the issue to arbitration, and to do so they approached the lion, King of the Jungle.
Before reaching the clearing in the forest where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey started screaming: “Your Highness, is it true that grass is blue?”
The lion replied: “True, the grass is blue.”
The donkey rushed forward and continued: ′′The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts me and annoys me. Please punish him.”
The king then declared: ′′The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence.”
The donkey jumped for joy and went on his way, content and repeating: ‘′The grass is blue...”
The tiger accepted his punishment, but he asked the lion: ′Your Majesty, why have you punished me, after all, the grass is green?”
The lion replied: ′′In fact, the grass is green.”
The tiger asked: ‘′So why do you punish me?”
The lion replied: ′′That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green. The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave, intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that to come and bother me with that question.”
The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who doesn’t care about truth or reality, but only the victory of their beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on discussions that make no sense… There are people who, for all the evidence presented to them, do not have the ability to understand, and others who are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and the only thing that they want is to be right even if they aren’t. When ignorance screams, intelligence shuts up. Your peace and tranquillity are worth more. ------------------------------------
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax", I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make that much money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today I took the final step...I joined the Democratic Party -------------------------------
with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler." ----------------------------
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. -----------------------------
My brother hated going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything, spat on everyone, and covered the walls with his feces.
It was the last time we played Monopoly. ----------------------------
What do you get when you eat too much peanut butter ?
Because boy scouts are only interested in eating brownies. ------------------------
The other day I was in Starbucks
There was a guy sitting at a table just drinking coffee.
No laptop, no smartphone, nothing. Just sitting there drinking coffee like some psychopath. -------------------------
Condoms don't always guarantee safe sex.
A buddy of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. -------------------------
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees.". The cannibals promised they would not.. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something." -------------------------------
I was going to tell a joke about a pop fly......
.................but I knew it would go way over your head. ------------------------------
To which Norse realm do the protectors of the rectum go?
Assguard -----------------------------
I think my urologist hates me.
Last time I saw him he gave me the finger. -------------------------------
What is the best way to quit being a vegan?
Cold turkey. -----------------------------
Hardest part of Cloning sheep
Staying awake while you're doing inventory.. ---------------------------
I asked my girlfriend how she could be so beautiful, and so stupid.
She said God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, and God made me stupid so I'd be attracted to you. --------------------------
What happens to an illegally parked frog?
It gets toad away. -------------------------
Men in overalls built this country...
Men in suits are destroying it. ----------------------------
DONT LET DONALD TRUMP CHEAT!!!
Demand voter ID and paper ballots. ----------------------------
The Moon is mostly gases, Guam could flip ? iQ deficit disorder, idiotic mumbo jumbo ! Universal knowledge, some have it, some don't. ' It's stupendously ignorant ! ' Destined for the final frontier ! ' Uh.. no, no, not you, the Ark Spaceships are reserved for those with iQ's above the test threshold ' ' You must be this smart to ride on this ride ! ' ' Answer me these questions three ! ' ' What is your quest ? ' ' What is your favorite color ? ' ' What is the airspeed velocity of a swallow in flight ? '
This is the way, Darwin observed, the weak and stupid fall prey to the smarter, stronger, entirely natural selection, nature's method of strengthening the genes of society. Being stupid attenuates the lifespan, naturally.
Me: "Doc, I get a nasty reaction after applying the hemorrhoid cream you prescribed me." Doctor: "Where did you apply it ?" Me: "On the bus." -------------------
Salesman: “ This van will sleep four people without any problems.”
Me: “I don’t know four people without any problems.” --------------------
I rented an expensive luxury car.......
and was shocked to learn that it didn't come with a driver.
All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it. -------------------
After sex with this woman I picked up at the bar
she said, "You're easily the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently, "ditto" was the wrong response. Visiting hours at the hospital are 10 am to 8 pm. -------------------
Little Linda was waiting outside the shop for her mother when this man came up to her and asked, young lady, can you tell me where the Post Office is? Little Linda says, go down 3 streets and turn left. The man said thank you, I’m the new pastor and if you come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you the way to heaven!! Little Linda said, you're bullshitting me you can’t even find your way to the Post Office!! -------------------
Little Johnny missed school one day.
The next day teacher asked where he was, and he replied: "I had to take the cow to be inseminated by a bull."
The teacher asked, "Couldn't your daddy have done that?" To which Johnny replies, "Maybe, but the bull does it better." ----------------------
A husband asks his wife, "If I die, will you marry another man?"
The wife answered, "No, of course not! I'm going to go live with my sister. What about you, are you getting married again when I'm gone? "
He replied, "No, same as you. I'm going to go live with your sister." -----------------------
Isn't it disgusting when people cheat on their taxes ?
It's not a world I want my 23 dependents to grow up in. ---------------------
The nun is filing assault charges. ------------------
He's such a nice guy He'll let you borrow
any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up!
He's Never Gonna Give You Up ---------------------
My train of thought often leaves the station without me. ----------------------
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, went
back, got distracted and have no idea what's going on. ---------------------
I got myself a new senior's GPS
Not only does it tell me how to get there, it reminds me why I went there in the first place. ---------------------
Clark Kent had to call himself "Superman" because "Chuck Norris" was already taken. -------------------
A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself. She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." And she agrees.
That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats below deck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn.
After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection below decks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I...I'm a stowaway! I have an...arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food."
"And?" says the captain "And...well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!" ----------------------------
I had a bunch of penis jokes for today..........
....................but I scrotum all up. --------------------------
There's a new hotel downtown called The G-spot.
It got a zero star rating. Nobody could find it ----------------------------
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is the most painful experience a human can have; way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case.
Well, time for another beer. --------------------------------
You know there is no official training for trash collectors?
They just pick things up as they go along. ---------------------------------
You Know It's Summer in Florida When...
- When your car is overheating before you drive it.
- Your computer won't work unless it has it's own AC blowing on it.
- Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the heated air in the balloon
- Airplanes can't land because the asphalt runways are too soft.
- You discover that you can drive the car using only two fingers on the hot steering wheel.
- The ducks in the park are designated "original recipe" and "extra crispy."
-More hot water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
- Your pool water boils so much in the sun that you can boil potatoes in ten minutes in it.
- You burn the grass by watering it with the hose.
- The hotdogs sold outside the Home Depot are actually hot.
- A hot shower cools you off.
- The politicians have to take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.
- You cover the leather seats in the car with cloth or sit on towels.
- At noon in July, the kids are on summer vacation, and no one is moving on the streets.
- Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping.
- You burn your hand opening the car door and your rear end wearing shorts on the hot seats.
- You notice the best parking place is determined by the shade under trees instead of the distance to the door.
- Your dog refuses to go outside so you are forced to build and inside a/c toilet facility for it.
- All picnics feature hot food like it or not.
- There is no such thing as "Cool Aid."
- The beaches are over populated with natives instead of tourists. ---------------------------------
21 Church Signs...
1. "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."
2. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
3. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
4. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
6. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
7. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
8. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
9. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
10. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
11. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
12. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
13. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
14. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
15. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
16. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
17. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ----- (U R)
18. "In the dark? Follow the Son."
19. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."
20. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
21. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED! That took care of the problem! --------------------------
There's an app that tells you immediately which of your friends are total morons.
It's called Facebook.
-----------------------------
I hope these don't bug you....
Banks use insects to check customers' balances and deal with financial issues. They're called account-ants.
Ten insects living in a housing complex: Tenants
Insects that frequent Muslim places of worship: Mosque-itos
I know a guy who cross-breeds insects. I liked him at first, but now I'm tired of his ant-ticks.
An insect on your family tree: An ant-cestor --------- I know those were gnat very funny -----------------------
I've only been gluten-free for a week,
but I'm already really annoying. -------------------------
Me ( to grandson ):
"When I was your age, there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women." ------------------------
I love playing craps in Hawaii.
It's a tropical pair-a-dice. ------------------------
A parrot at the auction
A man buys a parrot at an auction after bidding higher and higher against another bidder.
“I suppose the bird talks,” he said to the auctioneer.
“Talks!” replies the auctioneer. “He’s been bidding against you for the last 10 minutes!!!” -------------------------
Did you hear they arrested the devil?
They got him for possession. -------------------------
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco, Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.” ----------------------
Pick up line: "If you're feeling down...........
...................................I will feel you up." -------------------------
People who say fight fire with fire
clearly don't understand the effectiveness of water. -------------------------
I asked a prostitute how much for a go?
She said $400 dollars.
I had a good laugh at her expense. --------------------------
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep
with them. I thought, "Man, I feel like I've won the lottery !" I was right.................................we had six matching balls. -------------------------
Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus.
He was watching **** over my shoulder. -------------------------
A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.
After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once too." -------------------------
When my wife and I were vacationing in the eastern part of our state, our car's license plate was stolen. We planned to go to a local office for a replacement, but then we discovered that our registration had expired. The new one was at home in a pile of mail. After much thought, we came up with a solution. Taping a sign over the empty license plate space on the rear of the vehicle, we made the eight-hour trip home safely. Not a single state trooper stopped us, but many passing motorists took great pains to honk and wave at us.
*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
*The average 10-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
*Being bad is no longer cool.
*You have friends who have kids.
*Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.
*Your parents' jokes are now funny.
*You once said, "What-chu talkin' 'bout Willis?" or "Know whatta mean, Vern?"
*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's "Thriller."
*You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
*Naps are good.
*You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever."
*When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
*You want clothes for Christmas.
*You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it's a shot of you from behind. ------------------------------
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.
By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read:
"Thanks, Mom. Keep up the good work!" ----------------------------
Now THOSE are some good ones, many of which I can relate but you have the Chuck Norris thing backwards...Superman was created before Chuck Norris was even born.
