Hey guys, how's everyone??? I miss you guys! I can't get on the computer much anymore. You see, my husband invited a friend of his to come stay with us for a bit. This guy has a wife and kid and a house in Missouri, but he wasn't happy there. He was working at Walmart in the deli and wasn't happy. He's retired AF like my husband, my husband was the only reason that he ever got as high ranking as he did in there. Now that this guy is retired, he's not happy and making bad decision after decision. I don't know why, but my husband feels like he needs to look out for him. (he was his first roomate in the barracks when he got in the AF) It's beyond me. My husband has rewritten his resume for him, he's set up mock interviews for him. The only thing he hasn't done is apply for jobs for him...

Long story short, this guy has been with us for a month now. He's on our computer all day looking for jobs, I asked him how many he applied for and he told me 6. You think he would have applied to at least 20 being on the freaking computer everyday. He does nothing to help out here, he has it better than when he was living with his wife. He said that all he ate was crap out of bags. I actually cook homemade meals. I'm afraid this guy is never going to leave. He hasn't given us a dime to live here. He's never bought dinner or attempted to buy groceries. I know he doesn't have much money, but come on, he could help out a bit. He sits around on the computer or in front of the TV until I call him for dinner. It's so awkward. He's so slow too!! He's driving me completely insane. I just want to smack the crap out of him. He's like an old man. Puts his slippers on (over socks of course) when he's in the house then it takes him 5 minutes to put his shoes on if he comes somewhere with us. We are done eating and it takes him 20 more minutes to eat, which means I have to wait 20 minutes to clean up. Every little thing is getting on my nerves. He doesn't have a plan of when he's leaving. I feel uncomfortable as ever being in my own house. It's to the point where my husband has to call me at work so we can talk.

I feel bad talking about this to my husband, I know he's only trying to help the guy and I would probably feel better about it if he was pitching in, but he isn't. Even a hey Dar why don't we just order pizza tonight my treat would work wonders. Or you're going to cut the grass, why don't you let me do that for you. Something.......anything....but he does nothing....he goes nowhere we don't take him. It's just so frustrating for me.

Anyway, I just needed a place to vent. It's nice to "see" you guys again!!! Hopefully I'll be able to visit more often soon....

quote Originally posted by fierogirls-mom: It's to the point where my husband has to call me at work so we can talk.

Its past time for you 2 talk about it. Helping friends in need is a wonderful thing that we should all do, but you cant do it at the expense of your own life.

Ugh, sorry Dar, sounds like a bad situation... The more comfortable he is, the longer he'll stay... I would SERIOUSLY have a talk w/ your husband... Set a deadline or something...

Sorry to hear about that, Dar.

We had a (now former) Fiero friend stay with us for over a year. He got tossed out of his house after an incident with his wife that led to them getting divorced. He didn't have any money, so he sponged off of us. Eventually, he started paying us a small amount of rent per month, but he was a pain in the ass otherwise. After he moved out, he left his 2 Fieros here, and refused to move them.

I won't get into all the details, but yeah, I know how you feel. I hope things work out for you.

quote Originally posted by fierogirls-mom: I actually cook homemade meals......

If it will help the situation, I can leave my wife for a while, throw the guy out of your house, and stay there all for the low, low price of homemade meals

quote Originally posted by fierobear: Sorry to hear about that, Dar. We had a (now former) Fiero friend stay with us for over a year. He got tossed out of his house after an incident with his wife that led to them getting divorced. He didn't have any money, so he sponged off of us. Eventually, he started paying us a small amount of rent per month, but he was a pain in the ass otherwise. After he moved out, he left his 2 Fieros here, and refused to move them. I won't get into all the details, but yeah, I know how you feel. I hope things work out for you.

All personal differences between us aside, I seriously feel bad for you that someone that you perceived to be a friend would take advantage of your generosity and kindness. I believe I know of whom you speak, and that I've heard the whispers going around in PMs about what he is currently putting his wife through. That really sucks. If you need someone to talk to, please PM me, I would have PM'd you this, but, well, you know.

Darlene, it sounds like you are at the beginning of what John's past year has been: total hell. I would likely look to have something in writing as far as an agreement between parties stating what he agrees that he will and will not do per your expectations, and what he is expected to contribute to the household. If he has a problem with it, suggest to him strongly that he hit the bricks immediately. Include in the agreement a clause that states that if he fails to abide by the agreements made, that he agrees that he will be subject to forcible removal by law enforcement for trespassing. Maybe our lawyer can comment on if this is a stupid or viable idea, but I would think that it would motivate him to become more proactive on getting another place to live. My sympathies that you are going through this, but it would be better for you to deal with this sooner rather then later.

Have you given him friendly hints? Things like 'I'm going to need the computer in a little while' or if there's a women's show on tv that you must watch. Move into 'hey, could you grab the groceries for me?' to 'I'm a bit swamped today, could you help with the dishes?' But it is past the blind eye, time for a talk.

quote Originally posted by WhiteDevil88: All personal differences between us aside, I seriously feel bad for you that someone that you perceived to be a friend would take advantage of your generosity and kindness. I believe I know of whom you speak, and that I've heard the whispers going around in PMs about what he is currently putting his wife through. That really sucks. If you need someone to talk to, please PM me, I would have PM'd you this, but, well, you know.

It actually ended almost a year and half ago. I haven't heard from him since. I say "good riddance".

I composed a long reply to your predicament but decided that it wasn't appropriate for me to say what I did say so after some thought and talking it over with my wife, here goes my "flawed advice:"

Hints won't work. Suggestions won't work. The only thing that will work is to get your husband with you and get rid of the guy because he will probably use the split between you and your hubby to his advantage and still be there a year from now. By then, it will take a .45 semiautomatic to shoo him out. And why should he leave? He has free rent, board, internet, someone to clean and cook, etc.

Have a long, heart to heart talk with your husband or a better yet, a short direct "I-am-tired-of-this-BS-and-it-WON'T-continue" kind of discussion. If my wife tells me something like this, I love her enough that I know it is important to her and she means more to me than some interloper. If your hubby takes the wrong side in this situation, then it is up to you to tell the guy to leave and be as direct as possible.

I wish my Mom was still alive. She could get rid of people like your "guests" better than anyone I ever saw. Even her youngest son(me). She once told my stepfather to get rid of his old buddy who had taken up residence for the winter with them in Florida. My stepfather was the nicest man on earth and couldn't do it. My Mom called the guy into the living room, sat him down and said, "The person who rules the bedroom rules the roost. I rule the bedroom in this house and I say it is time for you to make a reservation for your plane back home to Philadelphia."

I wish you luck so you can get your life back.

Richard

Since it is your and Tom's house, you guys have the right (and I'd say, the responsibility) to set some ground rules which Tom's friend needs to follow. Put them in writing, and post them on the refrigerator, if necessary. It also might be a good idea for you and Tom to come to an agreement on what his friend needs to do to "earn" his stay. Because he needs to do something.

If you want him to help you around the house, don't be afraid to ask. Remember, he's former military. He should be familiar with rules and discipline, and should be able to follow orders. And right now, you're basically his ranking officer.

The way I see it, he needs to give you a compelling reason not to send him back to his own house, where he belongs anyway. If he's not happy with his own house and his own family, that's not your problem. That's HIS problem. And he needs to man up and deal with it. In the meantime, he needs to be respectful of you and your household.

Remember Darlene, fortune favors the bold. Best of luck!

[This message has been edited by Blacktree (edited 07-24-2010).]

quote Originally posted by starlightcoupe: a short direct "I-am-tired-of-this-BS-and-it-WON'T-continue" kind of discussion.

I respectfully disagree with this approach. Every situation and relationship is different and personalities weigh heavily on how to handle these type of conflicts, but from my experience... these situations create (obvious) stress on those housing the freeloader. Taking an aggressive angle with your spouse causes further strain, and potentially drives a wedge between you. ...Which is how situations like this wind up hurting a previously healthy relationship.

Personally (considering it is his friend) I'd be treating it delicately. I do agree that the two of you need to discuss things (if you havent already), ensure you are on the same page, and come up with a way you both agree on of getting him out (without losing his friendship if possible). How it's approached all depends on the person you are dealing with.

I have had people ask me if they can stay with us. I give them a dead line and rules. So far no one has taken us up on an offer to stay.

Be blunt, if hes staying then ask him to contribute. Mow the grass, anything to help. Doesn't want to do it then kick his ass to the curb. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

Here's your 5 step solution.

Step 1. Empty refrigerator.

Step 2. You & hubby eat out together for a few days

Step 3. Announce your mother-in-law is going to visit for a few weeks. Your extra room will be needed.

Step 4. Ask what motel you can drop him off at.

Step 5. This is the most important step, once the free loader leaves, you & hubby plan for a nice evening of love making.

Dar, I mean this in the nicest way I can, but it's time you laid down the LAW.
"Mama ain't happy and when Mama ain't happy NOBODY's happy!"

Tell her how it goes Ray!!

]

[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 07-24-2010).]

quote Originally posted by maryjane: Dar, I mean this in the nicest way I can, but it's time you laid down the LAW. "Mama ain't happy and when Mama ain't happy NOBODY's happy!" Tell her how it goes Ray!!

Totally agree. Your husbands first responsibilty is to you, not his buddy. You must talk to your husband. If your husband gets mad, thats his problem. It wouldn't matter if this guest was the nicest person in the world, if it makes you uncomfortable, HE MUST GO! I would never put my wife in this situation. BTW, Once he's gone, I'm free for a homemade cooked meal, cuz my wife doesn't like to cook.

Jim

[This message has been edited by jimbolaya (edited 07-24-2010).]

Make sure he can read this thread,accidently of course.

quote Originally posted by CoolBlue87GT: Here's your 5 step solution. Step 1. Empty refrigerator. Step 2. You & hubby eat out together for a few days

I really like this one. See what happens, and what he says, when the food runs out. Should be pretty telling, especially if he complains.

quote Originally posted by hugh: Make sure he can read this thread,accidently of course.

Jim

Doesn't this person have any family you can pawn him off on?

quote Originally posted by starlightcoupe: Hints won't work. Suggestions won't work. The only thing that will work is to get your husband with you and get rid of the guy I wish you luck so you can get your life back. Richard

This is good insight and appropriate. Though the friend may be the problem, the friend isn't your problem. The truth is, you are being subjected to one of your husbands friends at close range. Those of us that have artillery experience know this situation as "danger close". I wouldn't do this to my family. You need to make your husband understand that this situation is unacceptable and he has to make it go away. I've never met you or your husband but based on what I've read, you both deserve better. Take care of yourselves first.

Ron

Set a deadline. If not, he will be mooching for a long time.

Dar talk to hubby and set a time to send him home. He has a wife of his own he needs to be home.

As for helping, I am sure its an OK thing to do -- but not at your expense {of being comfortable} in your own home.

[This message has been edited by htexans1 (edited 07-24-2010).]

Wow Dar, I feel for you.

You and you husband have helped over and beyond with free room and board, meals, cleaning. Most importantly you helped with a re-writen resume, the mock interviews and the use of the computer for job searches.

The difficult part to understand is that you must now set a firm date to move out otherwise you're now "enabling" rather than "helping". You've shown compasionate love by helping with the job search skills, now you have to show the tough love by forcing him out to use them.

The tough love sets a firm move out date and the compasionate love helps by showing how to make 3 types of your resume, the fax, the paper and the email versions.

The tough love keeps a firm move out date and the compasionate love packs a couple of sandwiches and provides a train ticket.

Dar, I speak from actual experience here, nearly the exact senario, you need to talk to your husband. PM me if you need to.

Your husband is an enabler.. If this "friend" is retired AF, he has an income at least a retirement income. He is a big boy who survived the military and needs some mental evaluation if he cannot make it on his own and a wife who needs to take her man back with all his baggage.

Thanks for all the replies guys. It's such a weird situation. He used to live here in Jersey when he first got out of the service. He got a job at Target stocking shelves, then he got a job throwing luggage at Southwest, then a job on the inside. His wife convinced him that she needed to be with her mom in Missouri so they left here and went there. But, get this, she likes it here better. So if he had a job here, why didn't she just go and live with her mom if she needed to be there. Tom always thought he deserved a better job, I told him that Kirk's not like him, without Tom he's pretty much that guy that throws luggage. Tom doesn't believe me.

When he first got here, he said he couldn't handle being apart. He was going to leave that Monday. I was a bit relieved, so I figured I would give him a treat that Sunday, cooked a big breakfast of homemade waffles, sausage, bacon. Then we cooked out later so I made potato salad, guacamole dip, cut up veggies, veggie dip, we smoked some ribs, I made a cheesecake and a banana split dessert. I think I shot myself in the foot. After Tom convinced him to stay so he could at least help him with the resume, and do mock interviews I cooked every night. Lasagna, steak, pork loin, etc.....said I made the tenderest meat he's ever had. AHHHHHHHHHH!! I think I really did shoot myself in the foot trying to do nice things for him. He's a nice guy and all, but so totally slow in everything he does. He's one of those calculating people who has a check list in his head for everything. It takes him 5 minutes to start his car. Checklist, take thing out of window, check. Make sure seat is adjusted properly, check, adjust mirror, check...you get the idea, but it's carried through on everything he does...

Tom's getting frustrated too. We talked about a week ago, and he wanted to assure me that I was the most important person in his life. Kept asking me if I knew that, and of course I do. We will talk more, I need him to push him more. This guy can apply to stuff on his computer at his house and be with his family that he said he couldn't live without.

I did try the no food thing. I cooked, hamburgers, hot dogs, sloppy joes, the third week, simple stuff. Looks like I'm gonna have to start buying stuff in bags!! lol Tom would kill me though. I can't even get away with store bought pie crust. If we go out to dinner, he's right there with us...then he'll throw about $10 on the bill, no matter what he had to eat.

I appreciate all the advice. I love this place and all you guys!!

Gotta run, everyones waking up!!

Based on the provided menu, when his room opens up, I respectfully call dibs on it. Golly Gee, Mom, what's for supper?

Ron

quote Originally posted by blackrams: Based on the provided menu, when his room opens up, I respectfully call dibs on it. Golly Gee, Mom, what's for supper? Ron

Too late--my tent's in the truck and I'm on my way to NJ.

quote Originally posted by blackrams: Based on the provided menu, when his room opens up, I respectfully call dibs on it. Golly Gee, Mom, what's for supper?

Yeah, no kidding! If we ever perfect human cloning, I wanna copy of Darlene!

So, this being Nwe jersey and all, I'll just say it like this:

Yo, Darlene, you want I should get some boys and take care of this for 'ya?

More seriously:

1] A MONTH? Way too long. If your husband thinks you're #1, he's not showing it.
2] Your husband's enabling this guy, like mentioned above. He's not helping.
3] Since my wife & I were together, I've had four friends stay. Overnight, or the weekend. One she didn't like that much. Not only did he never come back, I never saw him again. That's putting her first.
4] We had a mutual friend couple stay with us for "a few days" "to get on their feet" Didn't work. Can ANYBODY name a situation where this actually worked? Everybody wants to help friends. I won't go this far again, I wound up throwing him out, and I'm NOT that type of guy.

The more I type, the more I think the only answer is the less serious one up top. Want me to arrange an "Accident"?

Sorry guys but you both are not qualified. I, on the other hand, in 6 months, am fully qualified for the position....

I will be a recently retired servicemember with no job. I also have 4.5 years experience living states (or continents) away from my wife and family. I'm willing to learn how to be a cheapskate mooch as long as the meal quality stays at the current level.

[This message has been edited by aceman (edited 07-25-2010).]

Glad to hear your husband is fully aware and supportive of you, Darlene. With his help, things will work out for you. I think both of you have done your part for your fellow man and now it is time for him to help himself.

Glad to see your husband is married to a perfect wife like me. This morning I had an omelet made with low fat cheese, green onions, ham and home made hash browns. She made croissants yesterday morning from scratch and put a homemade filling of Granny Smith apples, cinnamon and something out of this world delicious in it. I'm sure you know croissants can't be made in one day so she started the dough last Thursday to let it "rest."

My personal view when visiting is, that like fish, after three days they smell,

quote Originally posted by starlightcoupe: Glad to hear your husband is fully aware and supportive of you, Darlene. With his help, things will work out for you. I think both of you have done your part for your fellow man and now it is time for him to help himself. Glad to see your husband is married to a perfect wife like me. This morning I had an omelet made with low fat cheese, green onions, ham and home made hash browns. She made croissants yesterday morning from scratch and put a homemade filling of Granny Smith apples, cinnamon and something out of this world delicious in it. I'm sure you know croissants can't be made in one day so she started the dough last Thursday to let it "rest."

Does she have an unmarried sister? Can sister make biscuits?

Talk it over with your husband.. Its pointless to try and help someone who wont help themselves.

whats your address? im gonna pack right away
seriously, you all need to have a talk, talk with your man, tell him that if he dosent straighten things out, YOU will
set up a time frame, 1 more week, 10 days, next monday, whatever, it needs to be done.
no empty threats,.. follow through

he is becoming a free loader because he can be.. maybe thats why he wasnt happy with his family?

its kinda like the people that are poor and have a trashy house and they say their homes are dity because they dont have money,.. it takes no money to pick up things arround the house, or wipe off the table ect...

i wish you the best

------------------
AIM:Onefast2M8
00 VW GTi VR6 -- Not stock
06 VW GTi 2.0t

quote Originally posted by starlightcoupe: married to a perfect wife

Take it from someone who considers paper wrapped food a fancy breakfast, you are truly blessed.

quote Originally posted by Zeb: Can ANYBODY name a situation where this actually worked?

My wife and I have a large house with three guest bedrooms. Most of the year they are empty but several times a year they are all occupied. On four occasions that I can remember over the past 25 years we have had friends stay with us for more than a month; we are all still good friends. One was a close friend from high school and college roommate whose home and family were several hundred miles away while he was working working here. Second was a former employee, and friend, who lived about 400 miles away but was working on a contract job here during economic hard times. Third was a couple who had sold their home and needed a place to stay while construction was completed on their new home. Fourth was my wife's goddaughter, who stayed with us for one summer job while in college.

I attribute the relative success of our experience to several factors:

1) Most important, in each case my wife and I had discussed it beforehand.

2) We choose our friends rather carefully in the first place, so we already knew them to be ethical and responsible adults. It helps that we have similar social and educational backgrounds, tastes, attitudes, and values.

3) We call our place the "McInnis Make-Your-Own Bed & Breakfast." All by itself, that humorous name sets out some expectations.

4) Each arrangement had a well-understood end point, whether it was relocating the family here, the end of a contract, or the completion of a new house. Still, when discussing it with our friends beforehand one of our key questions was always "how long?" Having an exit date agreed beforehand is probably our #1 recommendation, and #2 would probably be agreement, in advance, to renegotiate the arrangement if any of us became uncomfortable with it for any reason.

5) Sometimes we planned the evening meal for all, but usually our guests made their own arrangements ... whether due to different schedules or different tastes ... but they were always welcome to share whatever we had. My high school friend and I are both good cooks, so we took turns cooking for each other. If you get to the point that you have to ask your guests more than once or twice to help out, it's probably either time to renegotiate or time for them to leave.

6) Formal compensation, monetary or otherwise, was never part of our arrangements. Not only does payment risk straining the friendship, but consider that a contribution for rent may actually serve to create a sense of mutual obligation, which can work to make the duration indefinite. ("As long as I'm paying rent, why should I be expected to leave? Why should I be expected to do any more?")

Looking back on it, I learned some of this from my parents while I was growing up. One family friend (and a childhood hero of mine) was a professional football player, Hugh "Bones" Taylor. Back then the pay in the NFL was so low, even for featured players like Hugh, that he couldn't support his family on his pro football income alone, so during the off season they returned to Oklahoma City and he worked nights driving a taxi. Housing was tight in those years, so Hugh, with his wife and daughter, stayed with us in the guest bedroom our small home for several summers. Hugh was still a good friend when he died, some 45 years later.

[This message has been edited by Marvin McInnis (edited 07-25-2010).]

quote Originally posted by maryjane: Does she have an unmarried sister? Can sister make biscuits?

Sorry, Don. Unfortunately, she was an only girl child but she has a hairy legged brother who can only make trouble. She does have an unmarried aunt, about 62, who has the most unique sense of humor in the world and she can cook anything. She is attractive and eligible. Not only that, but she can operate a front end loader better than most men I have seen and she likes old cars. If I didn't already have a perfect wife....

quote Originally posted by starlightcoupe: This morning I had an omelet made with low fat cheese, green onions, ham and home made hash browns. She made croissants yesterday morning from scratch and put a homemade filling of Granny Smith apples, cinnamon and something out of this world delicious in it. I'm sure you know croissants can't be made in one day so she started the dough last Thursday to let it "rest."

While I'm not trying to take anything away from this thread, I did want you to know that I AM AVAILABLE for ADOPTION.

Seriously,

Ron

quote Originally posted by maryjane: Too late--my tent's in the truck and I'm on my way to NJ.

Forget you guys, I'm already sleeping outside in the car. .

Did you miss the obvious food lovers user name???

Brad. AKA Fats. <---For a reason.