Forget you guys, I'm already sleeping outside in the car. .
Did you miss the obvious food lovers user name???
Brad. AKA Fats. <---For a reason
Yeah, I saw ya snoozin your life away, when I was walking up to the house-- knocked on the door, went in and had supper. Started to wake you when I came back out, but you looked so peaceful--------besides, both my hands were full--leftover pie and coffee to go.
That mosquito's gonna leave a whelp on your forehead tho....
IP: Logged
12:23 AM
Doug85GT Member
Posts: 10037 From: Sacramento CA USA Registered: May 2003
If you makes you feel any better, I am in a similar situation. My best friend retired from the Army and moved in with me in January. I gave him specific terms: 4 months free rent then he has to start paying rent. I charge him the lowest amount that I found on Craig's list for a share rental and he only pays 1/3 utilities.
The Army is pretty much the only job he had his entire adult life. I know that the transition to civilian life is hard so I am trying to make it easier for him. In addition to leaving the Army, he also got a divorse. There are certain things that are just slow for him to pick up on. In the Army, he was an E7 and used to telling everyone else what to do. He tried to pull that stunt on me in my own house. I just had to calmly just ignore him.
It is a sticky situation because you want to help someone but you also feel you are being taken advantage. I just try to work on one issue at a time. It sounds pathetic but I have gotten him to take out his own garbage and wash his own dishes. Next on the list is to get him to clean up his dog's crap on a weekly basis then maybe I'll try to tackle something else like getting him to clean his own bathroom. One day at a time......
In your specific case, I would talk with your husband and set clear dates as to when he will have to start paying a specific amount in rent or a set date that he has to be out. You may also want to make clear rules for the house.
If you are ever out in Jersey, I'll cook for you, even make you a pie, what kind do you want. Tom's favorite is plain rhubarb. When we first got married, I had to live up to his grandma's pie making skills. So I tried and tried and now he says I make them just as good if not better than her. I think baking and home cooking is a lost art. It really doesn't take that much time, depending on what you make that is, but I get pleasure out of watching someone eat and like my cooking/baking.
Don, to answer your question, on his applications, he puts our address down since he wants to get a job around here, but his resume still has his Missouri address on it. His wife sends him other stuff. Pics from his kid and I don't know what else.
Doug, it's hard when they get out of the service to transition their skills from the military to civilian. I was lucky enough to have a husband who has a ton of leadership skills, smart enough to make an excellent resume (all his former coworkers and bosses who look at it copy it) and who is a great interviewer. Every interview he went on they wanted to hire him so he had his pick of 3 jobs when he got out of the military. It was a scary time for me, he wasn't worried at all. Good luck in your situation. It sounds worse than mine!
Thanks again for the replies and making laugh. You guys are awesome!
IP: Logged
06:23 AM
blackrams Member
Posts: 33244 From: Covington, TN, USA Registered: Feb 2003
Just so I'm not going to be disappointed. ( I know all these other guys will never actually show up.) Is sweet tea is available that far north, isn't it? Is there parking available for my truck, trailer and six or seven Formulas and, is there room in the garage or shop for my Valkyrie? I'm not real good at household chores but, I do know how to potty the dogs. Oh yeah, Jake wants to come also. He loves left overs, not that there will ever be any but, he still dreams of getting them.
Ron <----- AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION (I'm no longer that cute kid I was in my younger days but, I'm still lovable.
[This message has been edited by blackrams (edited 07-26-2010).]
Is sweet tea is available that far north, isn't it?
There's your short list Bear--/\ /\ He's so befuddled that he can't even speak or type. I can hear him now.............."That depends on what the meaning of 'is' is."
Originally posted by fierogirls-mom: I think baking and home cooking is a lost art. It really doesn't take that much time, depending on what you make that is, but I get pleasure out of watching someone eat and like my cooking/baking.
OMG, that is SOOO hot!
Who has Dar's address?
IP: Logged
10:59 AM
starlightcoupe Member
Posts: 1767 From: Third World Country, OR Registered: Oct 2009
Darlene, I have a suggestion for you--actually it was my wife's idea--about your "guest." Obviously, he sees your husband as a mentor and leans on him in time of need. Now is the time to help both him and you because he is vulnerable and needs direction and is eager to listen.
As a veteran and a military retiree, he has all kinds of outside assistance available to him. Get him to the VA for aptitude testing and they will essentially pay for his college degree or vocational rehabilitation/training to include books, etc. Frankly, college isn't for everyone and I think I was misdirected in the direction of college at age 41 but it helped me get some jobs I otherwise wouldn't have been considered for. Another VA program is "Veteran's Upward Bound" at the local colleges and they offer all kinds of free advice and reduced tuition. I taught in the program for two years and they teach interviewing with mock interviewers, resumes, basic English, Math, etc and conduct aptitude testing. Taht isn't an all inclusive overview of the program but unless he is going to college, he doesn't need the whole curriculum.
I am certain there are Air Force Bases or Fort Dix or even a regional VA office in New Jersey to contact or even get him to use their toll free line.(1-800-827-1000)
The problem with most military retirees is that they enter the service very young and it is the only life they ever know and sooner than they realize it, time to exit has come and they have to make plans for another career. Your husband's friend is floundering now looking for direction and if your husband steers him toward it, this will solve two problems. And encourage him to begin his career training in Missouri!!!!
My wife also suggested to allot times for him to use the computer (noon to 1600, for instance) so that he doesn't further intrude
IP: Logged
11:07 AM
jetman Member
Posts: 7808 From: Sterling Heights Mich Registered: Dec 2002
Hold a "family meeting" with him involved. Start charging him his fair share of rent, plus 1/3 of all living expenses like utilities and food. If he doesn't have the money, "hire" him to do all the grunt work around the house with an employment contract. One of three things is going to happen. He'll either pay, work, or get out of dodge. if he fails to live up to any of the agreements, boot his butt out the door. It's the only way you'll reclaim your life, sanity and dignity.
------------------ Competition Yellow 84 2.5 Bone stock right down to electrical gremlins. 87 328 GTB replica.
[This message has been edited by Joe 1320 (edited 07-26-2010).]
If you are ever out in Jersey, I'll cook for you, even make you a pie, what kind do you want. Thanks again for the replies and making laugh. You guys are awesome!
Does that mean you'll go for a ride in my 1988 Fiero Formula? Whoohoo!
IP: Logged
11:26 AM
fierobear Member
Posts: 27111 From: Safe in the Carolinas Registered: Aug 2000
Originally posted by fierogirls-mom: I think baking and home cooking is a lost art.
I think you're right. Most of the women I meet (at least, the ones from the younger generation) think that "cooking" is punching buttons on a microwave.
And people wonder why I like "mature" women.
If I ever find myself in the New England area, I'll make a point to stop by and get some free chow compliment you on your cooking.
htexan, go for a ride in your 88 Formula, how about I take you for a ride in mine??? lol Well hopefully soon, mine needs a new clutch badly.....
Bear, a Fiero that still smells new, how'd you manage that one????
Ron, room for all of those cars, we already have a 64GTO, 70 Grand Prix, 88t-top GT, 77 Chevy pickup and a 06 SRX, so not too much room left. Ask me how many run.... you could always come up and help work on them.
Starlightcoupe, I did suggest to him the VA thing when he thought he was going back to Missouri. I told him it would be a great opportunity for him to go back and finish his degree. He as 2 associates degrees now. Heck, if someone paid for me to go to school, I'd be there in a heartbeat. I'll hit around that again. Tried to talk to the hubby, we went out to the movies last night, he wasn't too receptive, so I'll try again another time.
Honestly guys, if you are ever in Jersey, let me know. I'll just tell Tom we are having company for the night, not months and months!! And I don't know why it's so HOT that I take pleasure in people enjoying the food I make. I guess I just like to make people happy, give them something nice to eat if they don't usually get it. I'm just weird like that. Brad, you'd fit right in, I like to make my guys fat and happy!! Ha!
Oh yeah, Mike, older women do rock!!!
[This message has been edited by fierogirls-mom (edited 07-26-2010).]
IP: Logged
03:48 PM
PFF
System Bot
starlightcoupe Member
Posts: 1767 From: Third World Country, OR Registered: Oct 2009
htexan, go for a ride in your 88 Formula, how about I take you for a ride in mine??? lol Well hopefully soon, mine needs a new clutch badly.....
Bear, a Fiero that still smells new, how'd you manage that one????
Ron, room for all of those cars, we already have a 64GTO, 70 Grand Prix, 88t-top GT, 77 Chevy pickup and a 06 SRX, so not too much room left. Ask me how many run.... you could always come up and help work on them.
Starlightcoupe, I did suggest to him the VA thing when he thought he was going back to Missouri. I told him it would be a great opportunity for him to go back and finish his degree. He as 2 associates degrees now. Heck, if someone paid for me to go to school, I'd be there in a heartbeat. I'll hit around that again. Tried to talk to the hubby, we went out to the movies last night, he wasn't too receptive, so I'll try again another time.
Honestly guys, if you are ever in Jersey, let me know. I'll just tell Tom we are having company for the night, not months and months!! And I don't know why it's so HOT that I take pleasure in people enjoying the food I make. I guess I just like to make people happy, give them something nice to eat if they don't usually get it. I'm just weird like that. Brad, you'd fit right in, I like to make my guys fat and happy!! Ha!
Oh yeah, Mike, older women do rock!!!
Dar, you know the old expression about leading a horse to water, etc. If he won't help himself and you've done what you can for him, what else can you do? As I said, a four year degree isn't for everyone and I sometimes regret the time I spent in school so he may be better suited for vocational rehab--this is a program separate from the usual VA education benefits but VA bennies can be used for it.
My wife sounds like you in so many respects especially about food. She gets great pleasure from cooking a good meal and seeing us make it disappear. She has been baking bread for us for nearly 30 years and she is in culinary arts school now trying to get a pastry chef certification. She gets insulted if we even mention the word "bread machine" or "McDonalds." Since she seems like you, I asked her to read your posts and she said, "I'd give him three days and send him packing" but when my old Vietnam buddy came last year, she was sorry to see him leave so I guess it depends on the "guest." Of course, she gave him some pastries to munch on while he rode his Harley back to FL.
Good luck to you and I hope you solve the problem soon.
Richard
Older women do rock. Mine, at 52, is 20 years younger than me and she is still a "sweet young thing" despite her protests to the contrary.
IP: Logged
04:59 PM
fierobear Member
Posts: 27111 From: Safe in the Carolinas Registered: Aug 2000
Originally posted by fierogirls-mom: Bear, a Fiero that still smells new, how'd you manage that one????
Me and the guy who owned it before me (original owner) keep it in the garage, under cover, never drive it in the rain, snow, mud, etc. Never sits out over night, or out in the sun unless it's at a show.
quote
And I don't know why it's so HOT that I take pleasure in people enjoying the food I make. I guess I just like to make people happy, give them something nice to eat if they don't usually get it. I'm just weird like that.
Not weird. HOT HOT HOT!
quote
Oh yeah, Mike, older women do rock!!!
OH YEAH! Mrs. Bear is 5 years older than me. Older women have their s*** together, don't play games, know what they want, and know what the hell they're doing (in many different ways, wink).
Yesterday Tom took him with him to a fini flight for one of their friends stationed at Dover, DE. It was great coming home to an empty house, well the dog was there but I love him to death. Was going to make a rhubarb pie since Tom's been hinting around but I was too darn hot and sticky and tired after working. So, I figured I'd sit and relax, read for a bit, enjoy myself. So, I curl up with a book, my dog lounging on my lap, and I get this overwhelming sense that I should take a look at the spare bathroom to see how everything is in there. Good god, you think he could clean his own freaking toilet. Hell no..I had to do that for him. WTF am I his freaking mom? I was ticked off a bit, is it too much to ask of him to clean the damn thing??? I'm going to put some toilet bowl cleaner on top of the lid of the toilet and see if he get the freaking hint.
Today, he gets off the computer as soon as I go upstair to change to go cut the grass, he says I'm off of it if you want to go on. So I hop in the chair, and it's about 6 inches higher than it usually is, wtf? I would never change the settings on someones computer chair if I was using it. I can't wait until Tom sits in it, last time my daughter changed the chair he had a fit, but I'm sure I'll get blamed and when he finds out our house guest did it, it will be just fine and dandy. So needless to say, I was happy I had to cut the grass, got a bit of fmy frustration out. Just came in for a drink, I have to make a decision, should I edge or should I make dinner....I absolutely hate calling out it's time to eat, cuz then it echos in my head "when the heck to I get a day off"...
Now all the little things are bothering me....I just needed to vent a bit before Tom gets home. He already was in a bad mood this morning, don't want to make it worse.
Thanks for letting me vent.
IP: Logged
04:37 PM
avengador1 Member
Posts: 35468 From: Orlando, Florida Registered: Oct 2001
Darlene you need to set a fixed date, by which this person needs to be out of your house, and stick to it. Let Tom know in no uncertain terms that this has to be done.
IP: Logged
06:20 PM
starlightcoupe Member
Posts: 1767 From: Third World Country, OR Registered: Oct 2009
Darlene you need to set a fixed date, by which this person needs to be out of your house, and stick to it. Let Tom know in no uncertain terms that this has to be done.
X2 I totally agree with the 'Gator.
IP: Logged
07:52 PM
Indiana_resto_guy Member
Posts: 7158 From: Shelbyville, IN USA Registered: Jul 2000
I like rhubarb pie but I lost my passport for Jersey. How do I get back in and feel safe from the fanatical drivers there?
You don't need a passport for Jersey, you just need money to get out of this state. You can cross over into Jersey free, but try to get out and bam, you got tolls all over the place!!
So you like rhubarb pie huh? Most people don't, I think it's an acquired taste.
So you like rhubarb pie huh? Most people don't, I think it's an acquired taste.
I remember eating raw rhubarb when I was a kid, tangy and sharp taste. I liked it but never had a pie.
An enabler is someone who despite knowing that a behavior is destructive or harmful allows someone to continue to do it. Though the enabler may be acting out of love and trying to help or protect a person, they are actually making a problem worse. By continuing to bail him out of trouble and continue to enable his behavior he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions. By facing the consequences of not having a job and a place of his own it will reinforce his desire to find work and a place he can call home. You and Tom obviously have a loving family environment, its hard to change that but until your guest stops being a guest and starts being a contributing part of the family he will never change. I think the rent idea is a good one, if he cant find work then make him work around the house. As hard as it is you are going to have to stop feeding him pie.
IP: Logged
08:04 AM
cliffw Member
Posts: 37877 From: Bandera, Texas, USA Registered: Jun 2003
First that I have seen of this thread. My sympathies Dar. Excellent advice given here but maybe I can think outside the box. Perhaps the solution is to work the other end. The wife, family, home he left. What I am thinking is that if he get's a job in Jersey that you will get to enjoy much more of his company. Perhaps he can not afford to get his own place in Jersey because his retirement is funding life back home. Just a thought.
quote
Originally posted by fierogirls-mom: I figured I would give him a treat that Sunday, cooked a big breakfast of homemade waffles, sausage, bacon. Then we cooked out later so I made potato salad, guacamole dip, cut up veggies, veggie dip, we smoked some ribs, I made a cheesecake and a banana split dessert. I think I shot myself in the foot. After Tom convinced him to stay so he could at least help him with the resume, and do mock interviews I cooked every night. Lasagna, steak, pork loin, etc.....said I made the tenderest meat he's ever had. AHHHHHHHHHH!! I think I really did shoot myself in the foot trying to do nice things for him.
I hope you didn't make him some of your home made cookies. You'll never get rid of him, . Best wishes.
IP: Logged
09:03 AM
Indiana_resto_guy Member
Posts: 7158 From: Shelbyville, IN USA Registered: Jul 2000
You don't need a passport for Jersey, you just need money to get out of this state. You can cross over into Jersey free, but try to get out and bam, you got tolls all over the place!!
So you like rhubarb pie huh? Most people don't, I think it's an acquired taste.
Yes, I love it!! I stumbled across some this early summer and gathered enough for two and ran it over to my mother. I asked her to fix a couple (shes 84) and told her if she would fix a couple she could keep one. Let me tell you, there is nothing like homemade rhubarb pie! I can't remember the last one I had before that one it has been so long.
As for the passport, it seems like since I drove a big truck Jersey doesn't think I am a person so some sort of ID is required for recognition of life in the human form!! So far as getting out, I'll act like a mexican and hop the border.
Rhubarb pies, biscuits, cookies, free internet--being around Dar, and runnin' around with his best friend Tom? What's not to like about it?--this guy is no dummy---he's got it made in the shade and is going nowhere and I can't say I blame him.
[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 07-31-2010).]
IP: Logged
11:20 AM
Boondawg Member
Posts: 38235 From: Displaced Alaskan Registered: Jun 2003
Strawberry/ruhbarb pie--best pie I ever had, and of all places, The Kettle Restraunt used to carry it on their menu. I used to go to the Kettle late at night in Elk City Okla and have pie and coffee, just to watch the show as all the drunks came in when the bars closed.
IP: Logged
12:00 PM
fierogal123 Member
Posts: 236 From: Indianapolis, IN, USA Registered: Jul 2010
I don't know you yet, but I thought I'd give my two cents. I'm good at that.
First note...I love that you still do the dinner every night and that you still hold the standard of a housewife. I am 26 this month, and I still do the cooking, cleaning and everything. Fieroguy123 (Bobby) only has to cut the grass. And, it's only because he finds it soothing. I make the food. Make the plates. And, pour the beverage and set it all on the table for him and the kids. It's how I prefer it. I know what you mean by a day off. We don't really get them. That doesn't mean that I would do anything any differently though. He's a great Dad and provider. That's all I need.
As for the guest who's taking advantage...Bobby would tell you exactly how I'd handle things. He's not confrontational and hates conversations that could go that way. I on the other hand deal with a situation head on. If I saw his bathroom the way you described it...I'd grab the cleaning bucket and hand it to him and simply say "Thanks for cleaning up the bathroom after yourself." Then, walk away. If he never contributed I'd say "Can i have your part of the grocery bill? It seems like you should pick what you want to eat and bring it back if you don't want to split things." What's he going to do? Get angry? Leave? Woohoo for you if he does! If he did look confused I would then explain that you feel as though he is taking advantage of your kindness and generosity and that you fear that they may lose their friendship if he can't agree to the terms of his stay. Plain and simple people do what you allow them to do.
IP: Logged
12:14 PM
htexans1 Member
Posts: 9116 From: Clear Lake City/Houston TX Registered: Sep 2001
Has he changed the sheets and pillow cases? I hope you haven't been doing his laundry...
Actually just get him to talk. Ask him how he's feeling, How's the job hunting going, has he talked to his wife lately and how is she doing.
Remember he's separated from the military and his wife right now and I'm sure he's a bit down. Just say you guys are there for him, not to do things for him.
Never made or had strawberry rhubarb pie. Tom would kill me if I ruined his plain rhubarb pie! lol
As for the other thing, I'm sure he's feeling as uncomfortable as me. I can see it in him with the things he does. He's a nice guy, just not the type of person I like to surround myself with. I'm used to more outgoing guys. I'm the one who's non-confrontational. Tom's a typical A-type personality, he'll tell you like it is most days whether you want to hear it or not. To him, having me do what I do is normal. Don't get me wrong, Tom helps out a lot. He does the laundry on Saturdays since I work, and sweeps and vacuums downstairs, plus he cleans up the dishes sometimes. It's a big help with me working 6 days a week now. As for cutting the grass, it is soothing and I enjoy doing it, so does Tom, but I get home first so I usually do it so he can do whatever he needs to get done.
I really don't think Tom is an enabler. He's just trying to help the guy out. Ever since he's gotten out of the AF a few years ago, Tom thought he sold himself short on the jobs he did. Tom's trying to help him get back to where he was when he left the AF. I just have to set a time limit. If I knew there was a time deadline, I would feel better about things.
Maybe I just want to whine a bit. You guys listen well!!
Thanks for letting me vent. You make me feel better just by getting things out.
Nope, I don't have any sisters. Two daughters, ones taken, the other one thinks she's never going to meet a guy thats into cars, works on cars, treats her nice, and can use power tools. She meets a lot of metrosexuals who don't even know where to put oil in their car. She hates that!
I really don't think Tom is an enabler. He's just trying to help the guy out. Ever since he's gotten out of the AF a few years ago, Tom thought he sold himself short on the jobs he did. Tom's trying to help him get back to where he was when he left the AF.
Tom is an enabler, in a good way. Just don't let it go on too long or it could turn bad.
Enabling others to achieve goals they normally couldn't reach is a Nobel thing to do.
[This message has been edited by Jake_Dragon (edited 08-01-2010).]
I think baking and home cooking is a lost art. It really doesn't take that much time, depending on what you make that is, but I get pleasure out of watching someone eat and like my cooking/baking. 
I hope you haven't been doing his laundry...
