The Joke Thread (Page 1/28)
TheDigitalAlchemist MAY 03, 10:38 PM
A pair of cows were hanging out in a field.

One says, “Hey, have you heard about that mad cow disease that’s been going around?”

“Yeah,” The other cow replies. “Makes me glad I’m a horse!”

Think you got a better (or worse) one?

Lets hear it

[This message has been edited by TheDigitalAlchemist (edited 05-03-2022).]

Jake_Dragon MAY 03, 11:09 PM
Towels are the number one cause of dry skin.
cvxjet MAY 03, 11:50 PM
I came up with this a few years ago...Not quite as effective now, and it works better if you vocally tell the joke (Written is not as good)

An old man and young man sitting on a park bench.....Old man gets done talking on his cell phone, slaps it shut and says "Dang it!"

Young man asks, "What's wrong, Pops?"

Old man, "Every time I call about the problems I'm having with the new healthcare system, they tell me I shouda gone to Asia when I was younger!"

Young man looks startled; "'Asia when you were younger'? What the heck are they saying to you?"

Old man, "It's all technical jargon....but they keep saying "Youth in Asia"

Say the last bit (Youth in Asia) as one word and you'll get it (Some younger people don't know the word)

[This message has been edited by cvxjet (edited 05-04-2022).]

MidEngineManiac MAY 04, 05:14 AM
Written on a gas station bathroom wall....

What are you looking up here for, the joke is in your hand.
Sage MAY 04, 09:54 AM
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said...
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!"

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85." said the clerk.

"How come so much! I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

A_Lonely_Potato MAY 04, 01:11 PM
A favourite that my dad has passed on to me;

What is red and green, and goes a hundred miles an hour?

A frog in a blender!
Raydar MAY 04, 08:41 PM
A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' when they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke this window?'

'Uh....yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you..

You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses, what do you think?' S h e mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.' Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies.'
Raydar MAY 04, 08:45 PM
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go? Wonder no more!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I knew anything about penguins, did you?
Cheever3000 MAY 05, 03:01 PM
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
Jake_Dragon MAY 05, 04:15 PM
Pro-Golfer said it must take a lot of balls to play golf the way I do