He called a few weeks ago and said he was thinking about coming to see me. I said I'm out of vacation time, so he would have to do it on my 3 days off. He said that's fine. Nothing wrong, no emergency, no reason at all.
I really don't understand why people spend money to come see me. I mean, it's not like I'm rich, or famous, or even very interesting (and likewise). I don't even think I'm all the great of company.
But people continue to come see me. What am I missing?
A heart?
[This message has been edited by Boondawg (edited 09-20-2014).]
And I do go ALL out as a host. WAY beyond my means, actually. Well, not way, but I do spend more then I can sensibly afford.
But people wouldn't take advantage of that. I mean, they know I ain't "got it" like that.
I hope that's not it...
The more I think about that, the more I think.......what if someone just wanted to "get away" for a bit, and wanted someone to pick up the tab on everything but airfare? That's actually genius!
Not at all. I actually get a pleasant feeling when I spend time with him. But is that just from shared experiences?
He is 3 years younger than me and we worked together under my Father in a casual way for many years growing up. But the whole family were virtually strangers passing each other in the hallway at home.
My parents never taught love, or even personal connections. My Father was emotionless, and my Mother, cold & distant. I'm not saying they didn't love us, just that they didn't reference it.
Maybe my Brother is trying to right that. Trying to break the cycle us kids carry. If so, it's an incredibly noble endeavor.
I think that is what I'm going to go with. My Brother, the mender.
Maybe it's just that simple...
P.S. The Kids: Donnie (me) 53, Wendy (52), Darwin (51), Aaron (45).
[This message has been edited by Boondawg (edited 09-20-2014).]
The more I think about that, the more I think.......what if someone just wanted to "get away" for a bit, and wanted someone to pick up the tab on everything but airfare? That's actually genius!
Hmmmm.....am I really that naive?
Been my experience too, that the night before they leave, they ask to borrow $$.
I only lend it if that's what it takes to get them gone and out of my refrigerator.... Guests and fish stink and both should be thrown out after 2 days.
Maybe it is just because he misses you. You grew up together. You share the same parents. You basically shared many years of your life together and have bonds that only siblings can have.
Enjoy your time together and remember your shared thoughts and memories. Have a good time and don't try to over think things.
Maybe you should consider it isn't about you, as much as it is about him. HE wants to see you. It makes HIM feel good to be around you. Its not that you are some rarity they he wants to come examine. He wants to see you because it makes HIM happy.
[This message has been edited by BlackEmrald (edited 09-21-2014).]
Last summer my half-brother and his family came for a visit for the first time since we moved to GA in 1990. They stayed for lunch and left. So, I'm actually quite envious your brother cares enough to spend some time with you.
Well, that was expensive. He got a deal on the tickets, but didn't really have the pocket money you need (in my opinion) for the other parts of a trip. The museum, the tours, the food, all the touristy stuff that costs a fortune. Being a good host, I picked up that slack.
Dawn had to remind me that it's family, and that's what family do. But I'm somebody's family, and I don't do that. I always make sure I have enough money for a hotel, food, activities, and pick up the bill for everyone to have at least one or two nice dinners together. If I ain't got that, I don't go. Why? Because the cost of a trip is more then just the airfare...
But I love my brother and I don't hold no ill-will against him. It's just that I'm in the middle of trying to gather-up first, last, & deposit money for my forced move next month. This was really not the time to be paying for part of someone else's vacation...
Well, that was expensive. He got a deal on the tickets, but didn't really have the pocket money you need (in my opinion) for the other parts of a trip. The museum, the tours, the food, all the touristy stuff that costs a fortune. Being a good host, I picked up that slack.
Dawn had to remind me that it's family, and that's what family do. But I'm somebody's family, and I don't do that. I always make sure I have enough money for a hotel, food, activities, and pick up the bill for everyone to have at least one or two nice dinners together. If I ain't got that, I don't go. Why? Because the cost of a trip is more then just the airfare...
But I love my brother and I don't hold no ill-will against him. It's just that I'm in the middle of trying to gather-up first, last, & deposit money for my forced move next month. This was really not the time to be paying for part of someone else's vacation...
You took this thing so strangely.
Something tells me he offered to pitch in on a few things, and would have been more than happy sitting at your place with a few tall ones and some BBQ. I've never questioned anyone coming to visit and that takes up the majority of our time together.
I don't know your history, but if he spent the airfare to come see you, he wanted to see you. He wasn't looking for a free vacation.
At first I thought the thread was started kind of fishing for compliments: "Oh, I don't know why anyone would want to see me. I'm a boring old guy." And then everyone pitches in how wonderful you are. But then this last comment... just weird. You treated this thing strangely. Next time just give your family a hug, relax, and chat. About past times and current times. Make new memories out on the town if you want to, but don't focus on what you're doing more than who you're with.
My brother is coming to visit next week. It's the first time anyone has come to visit me since I moved here 6 and a half years ago. I'm just glad we are finally getting together when it's not someone's funeral.
But I know he won't ask for money or anything else. He's doing very well.
Well, that was expensive. He got a deal on the tickets, but didn't really have the pocket money you need (in my opinion) for the other parts of a trip. The museum, the tours, the food, all the touristy stuff that costs a fortune. Being a good host, I picked up that slack.
I thought your brother was coming to see you?
Brennan brought up some good points. Your brother might've been quite content to have sat around and shot the breeze with you. Any chance that doing the "touristy stuff" was your way of avoiding the potential uneasyness (on your part) of doing that?
We hung out a lot and talked and laughed and shared good fellowship. But that doesn't change one thing about the financial aspect I posted above. I simply could not afford it.
I invite when I can afford the cost of hosting a guest.
Everyone is different. My brothers are more considered old friends than guests. If something is going on it gets mentioned on the spot, if I asked if they wanted to go out to eat or to a movie, and they didnt have money for it they would mention that they didnt, then we would do something else instead, something cheap or free. (Or I coudl pay for them if I wanted to). Now if their wife comes along on the visit who I have known much less time and is female..they get treated more like a guest. But in that case what guy is going to say "hey can you pay for our tickets" in front of his wife? With my brothers they would get a reaction from their wife like "what are you doing asking him to pay!" Also alot of the time they ask if they should bring anything when they come over.
Odd, that you would be able to tell all of us here that you couldn't really afford hosting your brother, (the vast majority of us you have never met and probably never will) but could not (or would not) tell your brother that the timing was bad or that you all needed to just sit around and visit and conserve resources. You may have felt obligated as "a good host" to (I think you said it as) 'go all out" but in my family, that would not be the case. If one of us doesn't have time, energy, or financial resources to do something, we just say so.
My brother came down from Arkansas a couple of years ago-announced on short notice of 1 day (He called as they were leaving his house) when Jane and I had plans to go to North Texas to spend some time with her mother. Jane put clean linens on the beds, I just gave him a key to the house, tractors and shop and a couple hours later, Jane and I left for the week. He's a big boy and knows where the refrigerator is and where the restaurants in town are. He called me yesterday to suddenly announce he wanted to come down this weekend and get our father's old Ford Ranger to take back up to Arkansas and fix it up for his son to drive. That's fine with me, but it has a disentigrated rear tire, and is inside the barn which I closed off to keep the cattle in, and I'm going to be busy working on expanding the size of another cow shelter before winter gets here. He's probably going to need some help winching the raggedey old thing up on his trailer, but I told him, "better bring some help with you, I've got stuff to do". If he can't understand that, then he's not as much like me as I thought.
[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 09-24-2014).]
This thread brings up something that I've been wrestling with lately- It's actually NOT that hard to be honest with people, it IS hard for the majority of them to handle it, though.
Folks spend YEARS building up these personas, and rehearse these mini conversations, so that there's a smooth (minimal) interaction with others. God help us if a conversation turns "real" - the other person might ask us to help them with something, or tell us about something unpleasant!
Most folks have a full plate, and a thin wallet. Better to just be up front about things then to type a bunch of words explaining why you can't be.
One of the worst things is when someone says they are "too nice" - it's another way of saying you're "too passive" - that you don't think you are strong enough to say "no" or "enough" - or that you feel you aren't strong enough to deal with what happens when you do...
This thread brings up something that I've been wrestling with lately- It's actually NOT that hard to be honest with people,
In some ways its way easier. You get to just be yourself. I mean you still want to keep it appropriate, it doesnt just mean if you think it you say it . Honesty though kind of means no fronts, no pretend, being real. Honestly some people are sort of followers (for lack of a better word), if they see you being honest with them they will be honest back. Its disarming.
We hung out a lot and talked and laughed and shared good fellowship. But that doesn't change one thing about the financial aspect I posted above. I simply could not afford it.
I invite when I can afford the cost of hosting a guest.
Hey feel lucky he didn't ask for a kidney as well ! Glad it was a good visit, if ether of my brothers ever did that I would have sent them packing, arrogant little fagots is all ether of them are, they think the world owes them everything because,
"Without gay men, there would be no color in the world !"
Seriously he said that to me and Melanie when he was here for our mothers funeral !
Steve
[This message has been edited by 84fiero123 (edited 09-24-2014).]
At least he is doing it for family. I know someone that made a trip to an airport and turned around and came right back - the reason? To collect xx amount of air miles to bump him up it the next entitled category.
