We'll today after a long and stressful day at work I stopped off at a rest stop for the night for my mandated 10 hour break when I get a phone call from my mom. now some of you know the story about me and my mom some of you don't. the short of it was when I was 13 years old she threw me out of the house telling me I don't care where you go or what you do you can live in a ditch somewhere or end up dead on the side of the road for all I care just get out of my house, So my father came and picked me up and I've been living with him for about the past 11 years. For a few years after she threw me out we did not talk and over the past few years we have been putting things back together But being as how busy I have been over the past few years I have not been able to stop over and see my mom as much as I like But still make it over every now and than to say Hi and help her with something around the house, Well today im sitting at a table eating my dinner when she calls, I pick up and we talked about how my day was how im liking my job etc when all the sudden she brings up something about her Will. during the discussion I thought she was hinting at something and asked if she was ok and well, Well it was not anything like that at all, She called me to inform me that I have been more or less written out of her will because "i have not been in her life as much as she wants" And I told her Its not that I don't want to stop by its just that between home life, work and things like that I just don't have the time anymore, and we got into a discussion over it and she pretty much ended the conversation on that. Now I admit I don't make it over to her place much But, Am I really that bad of a person from what you all know of me that I deserve to be disowned by my own mother
Its all about the power and control....females are like that, they get thier own way OR ELSE. someday in life you may well find your own kids being held over your head in the same way by another one with the same mentality.
Its all about the power and control....females are like that, they get thier own way OR ELSE. someday in life you may well find your own kids being held over your head in the same way by another one with the same mentality.
My Dad called it "penis envy". Different words, but same meaning.
I would let it go, pretend it didn't happen and continue to treat her the same way. It sucks, I have never been in that situation and honestly I don't know what i would do. So lets stick with my second answer. Good luck
Tell her you've been thinking about it and she's right. Tell her not to worry about it and that you'll be at your dad's if she needs you. End it like that. Totally take the power away. Sounds like she wants you to beg or crawl.
I don't see being written out of a will as being disowned, its just she doesn't want you to have her stuff when she passes. That doesn't make you a bad person.
Me and my mother don't talk, if my mother somehow managed to get a hold of me and told me I wasn't in her will my response would be "Cool Story, Bro".
One of the worst things I have seen is issues involving wills and what is left for the children and friends after someone dies. Obviously as others have said, your mother has some issues and is trying to control you to her advantage. If it were me I would say thank you, but I don't care about what you leave me. I will do my best to stay in contact with you, but you will not dictate my life for me. And then follow that up by doing what you have been doing, contacting her in a way so that you don't have to give up your life that you have made for yourself.
And no you are not a bad person. I won't even get into anything about how she kicked you out, but you cannot be controlled by your mother when you have a life and a family of your own. If this causes problems with her, so be it. Try to stay positive and not react in a negative manner to her attempts to control you. Don't kick her completely out of your life, that is unless she escalates it beyond what you can stand. Stay strong and live your life in a manner that is in keeping with the your needs.
Tell her you've been thinking about it and she's right. Tell her not to worry about it and that you'll be at your dad's if she needs you. End it like that. Totally take the power away. Sounds like she wants you to beg or crawl.
I agree.
You have a few options here, two of those are to keep putting up with the emotional roller coaster that she's got you on, or get off the ride.
As long as you continue to feed into her bs you will be on the ride man.
I would tend to think it's your mom who is "that bad of a person". It's tough when your own family is trying to tear you down. But you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Keep your chin up, and keep living your life.
I can't even imagine what it would be like to have a mother who acted like that. My mom isn't the most warm fuzzy person on the planet, but we have a wonderful relationship. For a long time I didn't neglect her, but I wasn't there for her as much as I would like to have been. Same reasons as you, so she ended up paying people to do stuff I would have been perfectly capable and willing to do, and we just didn't talk or see each other as much as either of us would have liked. Lately I've been able to see her a lot more. She attends a tai chi class I participate in, so I get to see her every week, and it's been great. Over the last year or so I've developed a greater appreciation for the fact that she won't always be around, so I've made it more of a priority to see her when ever I can. I'll pretty much take any reason or opportunity to run by her house even if it's just for a few minutes. But, I was in my 50's before I reached that point.
Try not to let it get you down, it's apparent that your mom has some stuff going on that you'll probably never understand. Frankly, her cutting you from the will probably doesn't even have anything to do with anything you did or didn't do. I doubt her love for you is that fragile, she may not even understand what she feels or why. Try not to take it personally- "it's not about you".....repeat after me; "It's not about me". Just keep doing what you're doing and try not to let what strikes me as manic behavior affect you. Just love her unconditionally- that doesn't mean to become a slave to her demands, or be a target for any abuse or mistreatment she tries to pass on to you, it just means to love her and be constant in that regardless of what she may do to try to sabotage the relationship. Work to manage your own sanity and let her deal with her own. With time, hopefully things will work themselves out.
My mom passed away on January 1st, 2013, I was also written out of her will.
We had a long history of me trying to make her happy but "not measuring up" to her expectations. I simply couldn't live like that anymore and let her know that I wouldn't be able to see her as long as she was going to be like that. Not surprisingly, she didn't appreciate it.
There are worse things than being written out of a will. My Mom meant it as a punishment, figuring that she got in the last word so to speak. Ultimately I think she did me a favor.
Let it go, in the end it's not all that important. Just my $0.02
Do you love your mother just for whatever inheritance you're now not going to get? I suspect not. I certainly hope not. Show Mom she's wrong about you. Treat her the best you can. If that's no better than you've been doing, so be it.
Be the best you can be. Don't try to be someone else's idea of a good you.
Yup. Control freak. It's not you. Parents can be strange. I would continue to do what you're doing. If she brings it up again, just tell her "whatever". If she wants to beat you up about it, just stop making yourself available to be beaten up.
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
[This message has been edited by Raydar (edited 03-26-2014).]
Originally posted by pontiackid86: She called me to inform me that I have been more or less written out of her will because ... Am I really that bad of a person from what you all know of me that I deserve to be disowned by my own mother
kidpontiac, it's like this. She is wanting a "do over". She knows she fracked up. She doesn't know how to fix it. It will take time and you need to be present. She is guilting you into a presence so she can soothe her soul.
If you don't know, if you have to ask us if you are a bad person, you have issues. I think you are a fine young gentleman. Disowned by your own Mother ? Pfffttt. I am the black sheep of the family. Blacker than any black sheep since history was invented. I sleep just fine. I am a good man.
[This message has been edited by cliffw (edited 03-26-2014).]
Any appearances otherwise is little more than a charade. If she didn't care about you then, it's doubtful she does now - at least, hardly enough to matter.
Blood is blood but bullshit still ruins families.
You're a grown-ass man and the opinion of a woman who treats you as if she was nothing more to you than an uncaring gestational vessel should not be highly regarded.
[This message has been edited by skuzzbomer (edited 03-26-2014).]
The day she kicked you out was the day she wrote you out of the will. She is playing you like a violin and you know it. Don't play her game and tell her you don't care if you are in her will or not. Don't let her hold this or anything else over your head. You are your own man and haven't depended on her for anything for a long time now.
when I was 13 years old she threw me out of the house telling me I don't care where you go or what you do you can live in a ditch somewhere or end up dead on the side of the road for all I care just get out of my house,
I didn't know she threw you under the bus at age 13. That had to feel more like the high speed rail. Sounds like an "Edge Case" to me. After all that, you've tried talking her off the ledge and now your written out of the will for trying to be a good person.
It's breath-taking that she would take the time to call you to tell you about her will. Unless there's something unfortunate waiting on the horizon. Wish you the best my friend. People are people and there's plenty of cases out there just like yours.
Be strong,
Spoon
------------------ "Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne." - Kurt Vonnegut
Been there. Done that. You'll get over it. Not to sound too callous (yeah, it's a sore subject), but in the larger picture you'll realize how little it really matters. It's about stuff. Inheritance (and the fighting over it) brings out the absolute worst from people who are supposed to be family. Make up your mind now not to get caught up in it. You'll be grateful for whatever you get, and you won't be devastated over whatever you don't.
I'm totally at a loss for words, Am I really that bad of a person? by pontiackid86
Ayup, you are!
Now go send mom something on her birthday and call her and say you will be there for thanksgiving.
being written out of a will is not punishment, punishment is being made executor to the will and having 2 brothers and 2 sisters who are nothing but money hungry buzzards. ask me, I know.
Your not a bad kid, your mom is a total biatch and wants to control you, she couldn't control you when you were a kid so she kicked you out, she can't control you now so she wants to make you feel bad. I am no expert on father, mother, son or daughter relationships but I think Cliff got it right.
Do what you want to, but remember she ain't going to be around forever, mothers, and fathers come once in a lifetime, they aren't all good, but they aren't all bad. they did give you life and take care of you for some part of your young life, good or bad they did care about you or you wouldn't have turned out the way you did.
Someone who uses an inheritance to put pressure on you doesn't deserve attention, family or not.
^this.
I am not too familiar with the situation, but this is how I see it too. Your mother definitely is trying to manipulate you. My reaction would be to not change a thing. She is the one with the problem, not you.
Ohh I know she does, I still respect her as my mother But I mean this was just a kick in the balls right after picking myself up from another fall
Dont let her issues become yours. You should care for her, as your mother, but there are somethings that cant be fixed, you have to have a confidence inside youself regardless of how some other people feel or what they say. Alot of good replies in this thread.
I would tell her you don't give a crap about her will, write me out, but it wont stop you from seeing her when your able. I've seen my parents 2 times in the last 3 months, its hard when you have your own responsibilities
[This message has been edited by Back On Holiday (edited 03-30-2014).]
You are an adult and going forward, you are responsible for you. I never live my life expecting to be in a will. If I am included in a will, great, however all my financial plans expect that I"ll have to live off my own monies. Given your mom's "issues" and your "issues" with her, personally, I just say you need to not concern yourself with it. If you get over there to see her, and you know you're getting there as much as you can, then so be it- there is no real reason to feel bad about it.
without reading any responses , this is straight to pkid
dude, forget her, im sorry but a mother does NOT act like that to her kid, especially if he is working his butt off doing what he can to make ends meet. Maybe IM the bad person for saying that, but I would never have even forgiven her from when she threw you out of the house. JUST ME. not saying do what i do, just giving you my input .
My mother once told me she wishes she never had me so young (she was 18-19) or maybe she said she wishes she didnt have me at all cuz she lost her youth, but she is still MOTHERLY and does what a mother must do for her kid. When i came back body ravaged from Venezuela (horrible accident) and she saw me casted up bruised up face swollen face beyond recognition, she cried, I did not expect that at all, when i left the country we were fighting / feuding pretty damn bad. But i still lover her. ACTIONS speak louder than words..
you mother took ACTION against you at SUCH A YOUNG AGE . I would never be able to forgive her. I would cut all ties IF I WAS YOU. You make your own decision since we are two VERY different people obviously .
