Now I know this a touchy subject. But a friend of mine that I had not talked to in a few years, reminded me about how messed up I was. What's funny is I had blocked it out. But now looking back I was really out of my mind. I had a lot of serious problems going on and I would think nightly about how I was going to end my life. It was not something I told anyone about, it wasn't a cry for attention, it was just a very unbalanced time mentally. Luckily I never followed through, but I came very close.

When I was in the moment it seemed like it was perfectly normal that I wanted to kill myself. I didn't feel crazy at all. But now I can see how nuts I was. Its scary how you can get lost in your own mind.

I have worked very hard and now I am a very stable person. Most people would have no idea that I ever had any mental issues. I got better by focusing on work, friends and making my life better. I didn't use any pills or go and see a doctor. Not to say that wouldn't helped, I just didn't have any insurance at the time.

So have you ever been suicidal? Are you currently? Talking about these things can help a lot. Don't get lost in your own mind like I did.

------------------

People that talk about it and threaten it seem to be the ones crying for attention. If I was suicidal I would just do it. Also if you are going to do it, real men eat bullets.

Seriously though, I have know quite a few people who have felt this way. Sad state of affairs. Good luck sir.

I never thought about killing myself but there have been times in the past where I would think would i be better off. But in watching the movie scarface i herd this term that cleared everything up. "Every day above ground is a good day". Jst somthing to think about.

quote Originally posted by ls3mach: People that talk about it and threaten it seem to be the ones crying for attention. If I was suicidal I would just do it. Also if you are going to do it, real men eat bullets. Seriously though, I have know quite a few people who have felt this way. Sad state of affairs. Good luck sir.

Your right, thats why I never said anything about it until now (with two exceptions). I was not a bullet eating guy, I had a plan, but I don't want to give details for anyone thinking about following in my footsteps.

Hey dumbass....look at the lady next to you. That is reason enough to live Just kidding, trust me, there are people that are so bad-off right now that you definately should be thankful for what you have....I know I am with my wife and 2 children

[This message has been edited by IMSA GT (edited 12-27-2009).]

quote Originally posted by DeLorean00: Your right, that is a good quote. Plus Rick you seem to have a really good outlook on life. You never seem to let things really upset you. I respect you for that.

I dont let it get to me. All throughout highschool up until my junior year I was more or less one of the outcasts. No one liked me I used to get picked on and I would retaliate. and i dident like it. I never had suicidal thoughts but i had thoughts of running away and stuff like that. Than i just found the ability to be able to take a joke from it and in the end there wasent one person in that school who had any kind of problem with me. Even to this day I graduated almost 4 years ago and my name still floats around that school.

I've thought about it.
Many years ago, I was having some physical issues that were misdiagnosed.
Read: "They thought it was all in my head." And they prescribed Xanax. I understand that anti-depressants can affect different people different ways, but those were some of the nastiest things that I have ever taken.
I lived with the physical issues for ~15 years. (Quit the Xanax after about 2-3 refills.) They finally were resolved, or at least made manageable, within the last 5-7 years.
If I had a way, I'd sue the G-D doctor to a fare-thee-well.

Now?
Work sucks. Many of the people I work with are morons and slackers. I end up carrying the weight for several of the people in the department. There is no resolution in sight. When I'm there, I count the minutes until I can go home, and count the days until the weekend. (It sucks to be 52 years old and wishing your days away. Ya' know?)
But then home sucks a great deal of the time, too. I won't go into it here.

Not that I would really consider offing myself. (My faith teaches me that there is a life beyond this one, and that suicide is one of those offenses that cannot be forgiven) but sometimes I don't want to be here.

Edit - Seriously suicidal? Probably not.

[This message has been edited by Raydar (edited 12-28-2009).]

Once in the past, there was a time where I felt it would better if I was 'gone'. That passed. Every year, I get in one or two funks. I usually see them coming, and get through 'em. Having an awesome family helps keep things in perspective. Always sad hearing news that someone took their own life when there were people that would have gladly jumped in and helped them...

quote Originally posted by Raydar: I've thought about it. Many years ago, I was having some physical issues that were misdiagnosed. Read: "They thought it was all in my head." And they prescribed Xanax. I understand that anti-depressants can affect different people different ways, but those were some of the nastiest things that I have ever taken. I lived with the physical issues for ~15 years. (Quit the Xanax after about 2-3 refills.) They finally were resolved, or at least made manageable, within the last 5-7 years. If I had a way, I'd sue the G-D doctor to a fare-thee-well. Now? Work sucks. Many of the people I work with are morons and slackers. I end up carrying the weight for several of the people in the department. There is no resolution in sight. When I'm there, I count the minutes until I can go home, and count the days until the weekend. (It sucks to be 52 years old and wishing your days away. Ya' know?) But then home sucks a great deal of the time, too. I won't go into it here. Not that I would really consider offing myself. (My faith teaches me that there is a life beyond this one, and that suicide is one of those offenses that cannot be forgiven) but sometimes I don't want to be here. Just want to get it over with.

Hey Radar, 52 also, Yeah being this age sucks rotten eggs, lucky I have a job, I tell my wife, kids, Landlord (mother in law) the same thing, I'm unemployable. Yes I have thought about it but the kids and grand kids make it worth living. Home problems are a pain for me and sometimes I think a momentary fling with someone else should put my mind at ease but them the trouble might just start. Or not.

quote Originally posted by IMSA GT: Hey dumbass....look at the lady next to you. That is reason enough to live Just kidding, trust me, there are people that are so bad-off right now that you definately should be thankful for what you have....I know I am with my wife and 2 children

She liked this comment. I am very thankful. I am not in anyway suicidal today. This was years ago, before the cute girl.

Plus now I have my girlfriends family in my life, and they love the heck out of me. There support really helps, they are one of main reasons I got back on track.

quote Originally posted by DeLorean00: She liked this comment. I am very thankful. I am not in anyway suicidal today. This was years ago, before the cute girl. Plus now I have my girlfriends family in my life, and they love the heck out of me. There support really helps, they are one of main reasons I got back on track.

Im geussing that SL Delorean and 355 replica help with this topic as well

quote Originally posted by pontiackid86: Im geussing that SL Delorean and 355 replica help with this topic as well

You know Rick, the things your own, own you! At the low point the 355 was just a pain in my side. It was a losing project, miles from being done. The DMC didn't run and was rotting at my parents garage. Once again more stress then fun.

Now the cars are cool to own, but they still stress me a little bit.

quote Originally posted by DeLorean00: You know Rick, the things your own, own you! At the low point the 355 was just a pain in my side. It was a losing project, miles from being done. The DMC didn't run and was rotting at my parents garage. Once again more stress then fun. Now the cars are cool to own, but they still stress me a little bit.

Haha your not telling me anything new. I do drive a fiero to you know

quote Originally posted by FieroRumor: Every year, I get in one or two funks.

I get those. Every few months. Get past them okay, though. Usually are only really ugly for a day or two.
Figure it has to do with circadean rhythms or something. (Anyone still track those? Remember "biorhythm"?)

[This message has been edited by Raydar (edited 12-27-2009).]

Never. I can't even say that I have ever been depressed either. I have been sad when I lost people and pets who were important to me but it was part of the normal grieving process.

Life is hard and bad things occasionally happen. - Usually in waves. It isn't always like the movies where the hero gets everything he always wanted at the end. Enjoy your life between crisis'es and power through them when they come. We are not here for very long and there is no reason to cut it short. Just be ready if your number is called tomorrow.

Wow, the second time this weekend something has made me think back to a time in my life I have blocked out for the most part.

It's hard to tell if I have ever felt that way.
I have been self-medicating for 35 years.

I never really liked planet Earth.
Well, not the planet so much as it's evolutionarily dominate speices.
Mostly mean, greedy little creatures, with very little intrest in actually evolving in any real way.

But I never really thought about removing myself from them, as I found the problem to not really be mine at all.
It's everyone else that's preetty much fugged-up.

Megalomaniac much, Boondawg?

"I feel sorry for people who don't get high. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~ Boondawg, with the help of Frank Sinatra

[This message has been edited by Boondawg (edited 12-28-2009).]

Its never crossed my mind. As shitty as times can get I'm still happy to be here.

If I offed myself.. who would save you from Nibiru in 2012? That alone has kept me alive.

quote Originally posted by Boondawg: It's hard to tell if I have ever felt that way. I have been self-medicating for 35 years. I never really liked planet Earth. Well, not the planet so much as it's evolutionarily dominate speices. Mostly mean, greedy little creatures, with very little intrest in actually evolving in any real way. But I never really thought about removing myself from them, as I found the problem to not really be mine at all. It's everyone else that's preetty much fugged-up. Megalomaniac much, Boondawg? "I feel sorry for people who don't get high. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~ Boondawg, with the help of Frank Sinatra

Yes.
Edit to add:
But why the F1_!ck should I give them the pleasure of finally having won? That being said, I have come close to getting on a plane and ...

[This message has been edited by fierofetish (edited 12-28-2009).]

I have been very depressed before. Once, I was so depressed that I called the local Help Line. Got a fearkin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

quote Originally posted by Raydar: I get those. Every few months. Get past them okay, though. Usually are only really ugly for a day or two. Figure it has to do with circadean rhythms or something. (Anyone still track those? Remember "biorhythm"?)

I usually see 'em coming. No so much SAD (or whatever they call that yearly depression due to less sun) it's more like twice a year, I should just take off a day and just sleep. Recharge the batteries. Maybe drink a few beers. The last three years have been better - a half hour playin' w/ my son, and things just seem a whole lot better.

Also notice it when I eat certain foods. Diet and exercise play a big part (for me, at least). Also good not to expose yerself to too much bad news, and it's important to have an escape (a video game, a movie, a good book - just make sure the thing you do to "escape" from stress isn't also a stressor! )

Not that stress is bad in itself...

No? Guess what. The dog we are looking after, who is carrying Zwerver's puppies? I've been up all night with her, and she is suddenly bleeding very dark blood. And no puppies moving around inside. I think they have died inside her. I hope we can save HER. So..off to the vet now. PLEASE say a prayer for her...and me I phoned the emergency vet at 7:30 am, told her I thought it was serious. She said it wasn't. Why do I listen? WHY?

Interesting subject.

I went through a bad period in my life where I finally decided to seek help. I had been depressed since being a teen, but didn't seek any help for it until I was in my late 20's. I went to a cognitive behavioral therapist, who taught me to recognize and change certain thought patterns that had developed. I'm hard on myself. Failure isn't an option (I know, sounds corny but I hold myself to a very high standard in many facets of life), and when I inevitably failed at something, I would beat myself up over it. Badly. After about 4 sessions and seriously applying the lessons being taught to me, things started looking better. The doc didn't once suggest medication, and he knew that I wanted to fight through this to make myself a better person. It worked, and I'm eternally grateful to the doctor for his assistance.

Regarding suicide: The doc told me that morbid thoughts are normal. As long as you aren't actively planning, you shouldn't freak. If you think you need help or have no hope for the future, seek help. Please. I know the OP isn't having these issues right now, but anyone reading this that thinks they may need help, get it. The docs aren't all about putting you on a couch and have you talk about your mother and your childhood. At least it wasn't with me.

Give it a shot, it's worth it.

I know an old grouchy guy that once drove his shrink to the brink of the abyss---does that count?

quote Originally posted by DeLorean00: Now I know this a touchy subject. But a friend of mine that I had not talked to in a few years, reminded me about how messed up I was. What's funny is I had blocked it out. But now looking back I was really out of my mind. I had a lot of serious problems going on and I would think nightly about how I was going to end my life. It was not something I told anyone about, it wasn't a cry for attention, it was just a very unbalanced time mentally. Luckily I never followed through, but I came very close. When I was in the moment it seemed like it was perfectly normal that I wanted to kill myself. I didn't feel crazy at all. But now I can see how nuts I was. Its scary how you can get lost in your own mind. I have worked very hard and now I am a very stable person. Most people would have no idea that I ever had any mental issues. I got better by focusing on work, friends and making my life better. I didn't use any pills or go and see a doctor. Not to say that wouldn't helped, I just didn't have any insurance at the time. So have you ever been suicidal? Are you currently? Talking about these things can help a lot. Don't get lost in your own mind like I did.

Nice post. Great example of overcoming it. Showing it can be done.

I have not had suicidal thoughts. But understand how some could.

Suicidal? Never serious, self destructive yes.
I would walk away and live another life if I ever get to the point where I cant stand this one.

quote Originally posted by Jake_Dragon: Suicidal? Never serious, self destructive yes. I would walk away and live another life if I ever get to the point where I cant stand this one.

Suicidal? Never. Self destructive...consistently.

I agree about walking away.

Been there. Did stupid **** . Look back at it and am 1000000000x a better person for it.

I would not be alive right now were it not for my high school Biology teacher randomly deciding to show up at my house unannounced one night 13 years ago. He found me unconscious in my bathtub, wrists cut from palm to elbow and soaked to the bone with deep crimson water. He removed me, bandaged me and drove me to the hospital then stayed there by my side for three days until I was released. I still carry the scars from that night.

I've never had much of a family and had lived on my own since I was 15. My Biology teacher, Marty, was one of my only friends. I owed my life to him. This is why my first degree was in Biology.

Nearly 4 years later at the age of 54 Marty took his own life... I wasn't there for him... I still carry the scars from that night.

As for real men eating bullets, I don't know, I loved the pain. Ironically it was the only time I've ever really felt alive.

As of now, my life is great! I do very well for myself, I'm married to the best wife in the world and am quite happy. Though I am sure I will come back to that frame of mind again at some point. It will likely be how I leave this world.

~Tyler

quote Originally posted by GT-X: As of now, my life is great! I do very well for myself, I'm married to the best wife in the world and am quite happy. Though I am sure I will come back to that frame of mind again at some point. It will likely be how I leave this world. ~Tyler

I pray you do not go back. You have been shown much, in your own past and in your friends, to help you know how not to do things. There are alot of good folks on this forum, stay in touch with us. I'm not sure if you have been in treatment for depression, but that is something to think about too.

quote Originally posted by DeLorean00: Now I know this a touchy subject. But a friend of mine that I had not talked to in a few years, reminded me about how messed up I was. What's funny is I had blocked it out. But now looking back I was really out of my mind. I had a lot of serious problems going on and I would think nightly about how I was going to end my life. It was not something I told anyone about, it wasn't a cry for attention, it was just a very unbalanced time mentally. Luckily I never followed through, but I came very close. When I was in the moment it seemed like it was perfectly normal that I wanted to kill myself. I didn't feel crazy at all. But now I can see how nuts I was. Its scary how you can get lost in your own mind. I have worked very hard and now I am a very stable person. Most people would have no idea that I ever had any mental issues. I got better by focusing on work, friends and making my life better. I didn't use any pills or go and see a doctor. Not to say that wouldn't helped, I just didn't have any insurance at the time. So have you ever been suicidal? Are you currently? Talking about these things can help a lot. Don't get lost in your own mind like I did.

At what age did you start to feel this way? From people that I've known, and stories I've heard and read about... the onset of mental "issues" appear around the ages of late teens to early and mid 20s. It's all related to a chemical imbalance. I don't know enough about the subject to know why people have this, and why some do not. I know that's when a lot of illnesses are diagnosed... Bi-Polar, Aspergers, you name it...

I'm wondering if maybe it was during that time in your life? Maybe you had a temporary chemical imbalance? Alcohol and other things can serve as a catalyst for chemical imbalances too...

Glad you didn't kill yourself.

I've always said to myself that... if I ever got to the point where for whatever reason I felt like killing myself, I would instead donate my life to serving the poor in some country... like with the Peace Corps or the Red Cross or something like that? You know all those organizations like Christian Children's Fund, or World Vision... I would just offer myself up to them, and basically spend the rest of my life in an impoverished country doing that. At least... if YOU (not you specifically) didn't care about your life, then at least your life would have some benefit to others.

I really, really wish suicide victims thought about that. I probably just don't get it... but I know organizations like that are ALWAYS short staffed. If you ever end up in a situation like that, or even if I become destitute and impoverished, living on the street... or anything similar, I think I would go that route. I don't think you get any real money for it, but they give you a place to live and feed you, and maybe a per diem and you spend your days and nights helping the poor...

------------------
Todd,
2008 Jeep Patriot Limited 4x2
2002 Ford Explorer Sport 2dr 4x2
2002 Ford Crown Victoria LX
1987 Pontiac Fiero SE / V6
1973 Volkswagen Type-2 Transporter

Many years ago, I was in a very very dark time in my life. Everything was meaningless and insignificant to me. Even my own life.
I did a LOT of drugs and a LOT of booze to try to drown out the thoughts of death that I had regularly. I mostly kept to myself at that time and did not have a network of friends to help me thru. One day I had decided enough was enough. I had envisioned myself driving head first into big rigs, suicide by cop and several other methods. I was jsut tired of it all. I did not think I could stand to live another day of misery and dispair. I took out my trusty old Pheonix Arms HP22 LR Semi automatic pistol and was going to end it. However, someone out there decided it was not my time. I pulled the trigger, but it never fired. I tried again and it never fired. I litterally then point the gun at my wall in anger and unloaded the clip. It fired every single time.

The next day I checked myself into a hospital and got treatment for depression and anxiety. 15 years later and I am a changed man. This is not a story I have told many people. Very few in my life know this. My wife does, my mom does and so do you.

To Todd,

When you are in that state of mind, in such a shape that you WILL consider ending your life... The last thing you will think about will be helping others. When you are THAT depressed or that mentally damaged, you do not reason rationally. So if you WERE in that position.. I highly doubt if you really would go to help the poor.It is just not how you think at that time. It is a novel idea... But won't likely happen.

[This message has been edited by 8Ball (edited 12-29-2009).]

quote Originally posted by 8Ball: Many years ago, I was in a very very dark time in my life. Everything was meaningless and insignificant to me. Even my own life. I did a LOT of drugs and a LOT of booze to try to drown out the thoughts of death that I had regularly. I mostly kept to myself at that time and did not have a network of friends to help me thru. One day I had decided enough was enough. I had envisioned myself driving head first into big rigs, suicide by cop and several other methods. I was jsut tired of it all. I did not think I could stand to live another day of misery and dispair. I took out my trusty old Pheonix Arms HP22 LR Semi automatic pistol and was going to end it. However, someone out there decided it was not my time. I pulled the trigger, but it never fired. I tried again and it never fired. I litterally then point the gun at my wall in anger and unloaded the clip. It fired every single time. The next day I checked myself into a hospital and got treatment for depression and anxiety. 15 years later and I am a changed man. This is not a story I have told many people. Very few in my life know this. My wife does, my mom does and so do you.

Not to use your situation for political gain... but this is a good post for Atheists to read. If this doesn't prove that God, or at least someone out there exists... then I don't know what does.

quote Originally posted by 8Ball: To Todd, When you are in that state of mind, in such a shape that you WILL consider ending your life... The last thing you will think about will be helping others. When you are THAT depressed or that mentally damaged, you do not reason rationally. So if you WERE in that position.. I highly doubt if you really would go to help the poor.It is just not how you think at that time. It is a novel idea... But won't likely happen.

Man, that's really unfortunate. It's sad... it really is. I've had friends who have killed themselves, and I just don't get it. Do you know why, or have any reason why you were feeling the way you did? Was it related to any particular event or was it totally unrelated? Just a constant feeling?

I had a friend, one of the first people I had ever met that had a Fiero besides me... shoot himself. His name was John McKenzie from Fort Lauderdale. He had a black 1988 Fiero GT. The guy helped me work on my Fiero from time to time, and he made a living by buying and reselling cars from auction. I don't know the circumstances, but the poor guy inevitably ended up shooting himself. We had sort of a falling out a few months before. I set him up with a computer so he could get on the Fiero List. He had some problems with the computer and then gave me an attitude and said if I wanted it, I could come pick it up by the dumpster. I basically stopped going over there to hang out after that, and then moved.

I had the same number and he called my house a few weeks before he shot himself, but I wasn't there to answer and I never returned his call. He didn't say anything about wanting to kill himself, or anything of that nature... he just said to give him a call. I don't feel responsible for it, obviously... because I wasn't the one who pulled the trigger, but I really do wish I had talked to the guy.

His wife was a horrible woman. I spoke to someone after the fact who also knew him, and he said that his wife told a friend after her husband died... "at least now maybe I'll get some money..."

I'm not sure what happened to his Fiero... (not that it's really that important), but as far as I understand, he killed himself in it. I wish there was something I could have done.
------------------
Todd,
2008 Jeep Patriot Limited 4x2
2002 Ford Explorer Sport 2dr 4x2
2002 Ford Crown Victoria LX
1987 Pontiac Fiero SE / V6
1973 Volkswagen Type-2 Transporter

[This message has been edited by 82-T/A [At Work] (edited 12-29-2009).]

quote Originally posted by 8Ball: ... When you are in that state of mind, in such a shape that you WILL consider ending your life... The last thing you will think about will be helping others. When you are THAT depressed or that mentally damaged, you do not reason rationally. So if you WERE in that position.. I highly doubt if you really would go to help the poor.It is just not how you think at that time. It is a novel idea... But won't likely happen.

That occurred to me as well.

I think that suicide is about ME-ME-ME!
In many cases - not to imply "all" - it's the ultimate F-you for those who are left behind.
"See! I told you I was hurting! You wouldn't listen!"

Even if that's not the case, that mindset doesn't promote a selfless, giving attitude.
(Some probably don't feel like they have anything left to give.)

Just my thoughts. Right or wrong.

quote Originally posted by 8Ball: Many years ago, I was in a very very dark time in my life. Everything was meaningless and insignificant to me. Even my own life. I did a LOT of drugs and a LOT of booze to try to drown out the thoughts of death that I had regularly. I mostly kept to myself at that time and ...did not have a network of friends to help me thru.

This is a big part of it. One has to reach out for real, and really want help. They may think they have no one. I really think though that for those who have been up to that point, the rest of us can not know what it is like, we can only take the turns in our own lives that we see leading to a place that is not that place. Also I have to think that for me faith in God, being a Christian, is a big help in alot of lifes areas, though it sort of goes unseen on some ways. Like an invisible guideline.

I am very glad you made it thru 8ball.

[This message has been edited by 2.5 (edited 12-29-2009).]

quote Originally posted by Raydar: That occurred to me as well. I think that suicide is about ME-ME-ME! In many cases - not to imply "all" - it's the ultimate F-you for those who are left behind. "See! I told you I was hurting! You wouldn't listen!" Even if that's not the case, that mindset doesn't promote a selfless, giving attitude. (Some probably don't feel like they have anything left to give.) Just my thoughts. Right or wrong.

After too many failures in a row, several times in my life I have been suicidal. I sometimes make excuses to not do like how much it would hurt the ones I love but, other times I remind myself of the momentary pleasures in my life that I could not trade my life for a chance at finding just one more. My first kiss with Donna, a kiss from Carrie, a stolen with Ann Marie, an amazing kiss with Sherri, a 2 hour kiss with Sandie, ect....
This said, my wife has been cruel at my time of unemployment during the worst economy since the 1929 depression and with my dads death in this time( he had really been my go to guy ). I had to go threw all my successes in order to get past a really bad funk that I had, I really am better off than a large % of people and what a jerk I must be to be whining.

A friend of mine on the other hand was dealing with back pain and wanted to kill himself to get past the suffering. He was also scared to have surgery because of the risk of being crippled( I explained that he already was). I had to promise him I would bring a gun to the hospital so that he could kill himself if it went bad. I do believe it self determination so long as it is well thought out.

I was in that state for a lot of reasons. Depression is MOSTLY a chemical imbalance. However that imbalance can be triggered by events in life as well.
I have always had depression and likely always will. It is under control with meditation, and positive reinforcement from my wife. She and I both suffer from depression, but we keep each other in balance... to a degree. She requires meds for hers. I do not.

But what lead me to that point in my life? It was a year long string of horrid events that stemmed from the prior 2 years as well. In that year I had severed contact with my dad, my girlfriend had been killed by a drunk driver, I had just gotten out of jail for beating another drunk man down, I was dirt broke and heavily in debt and soon to be homeless. All of it together on top of my depression, which alters the way you think..affects the rational portion of your brain.. was just more than I could deal with. Or at least I thought it was.

I am really glad I survived as well. There would have been so much to life I would have missed if I had not. I never would have met my wife.. (We just celebrated 10 years of marriage last sunday) I would never have met all you guys. There is so much in life I would have missed.


*edit*

I would like to add that I firmly believe I will never try suicide again. Right now I am going thru one of the hardest times in my life ever. My mom, whom as many know is my best friend, is laying in her bed wasting away. Days or hours away from death. But even that does not bring me even close to the point I was at in the past.

[This message has been edited by 8Ball (edited 12-29-2009).]