Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends" .
******************************************** A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother" Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
**************************************** What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress
*********************************** Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? Without Information Fighting Everytime. Wife replies," No, It means: With Idiot For Ever !!!"
*****************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
**************************************** Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period? Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
**************************************************************** A women asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours??" The man replies, " No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
**************************************************************** A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential.
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"
------------------ Ron Land of the Free because of the Brave. Most gave some, some gave all. My imagination is the only limiting factor to my Fiero. Well, there is that money issue.
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12:09 PM
proff Member
Posts: 7401 From: The bottom of the world Registered: Oct 2004
this is where i use some of these to get people here thinking.... people in western Sydney don't normally think much.
quote
Originally posted by blackrams:
Not really comeback lines but some of these are pretty good.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems:
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3- Half the people you know are below average. 4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 12- OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good. 20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it 33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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08:01 PM
Finally_Mine_86_GT Member
Posts: 4809 From: Hyde Park, New York Registered: Sep 2006
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends" .
******************************************** A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother" Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
**************************************** What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress
*********************************** Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? Without Information Fighting Everytime. Wife replies," No, It means: With Idiot For Ever !!!"
*****************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
**************************************** Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period? Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
**************************************************************** A women asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours??" The man replies, " No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
**************************************************************** A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential.
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"
This one was just emailed to me, I thought this was worth posting.
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
[This message has been edited by blackrams (edited 01-23-2007).]
I wish I could think of things like this when needed. But I suck when it comes to snappy comebacks. Mine just seem to come out more like "Yeah? Well you're just a big fat stupid head." lol
------------------ Whade' "The Duck Formerly Known As Wade" Duck '87 GT Auto '88 Ferrario '84 Indy (8/26/06)
Relax! You've managed to suck all of the fun out of the room.
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08:50 AM
blackrams Member
Posts: 33244 From: Covington, TN, USA Registered: Feb 2003
Not really a comeback line but, I still got a chuckle out of this.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
------------------ Ron Land of the Free because of the Brave. Most gave some, some gave all. My imagination is the only limiting factor to my Fiero. Well, there is that money issue.
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10:59 AM
Jan 24th, 2007
blackrams Member
Posts: 33244 From: Covington, TN, USA Registered: Feb 2003
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had s-e-x with you twice.
------------------ Ron Land of the Free because of the Brave. Most gave some, some gave all. My imagination is the only limiting factor to my Fiero. Well, there is that money issue.
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01:26 PM
PFF
System Bot
slade1274 Member
Posts: 339 From: Monroe, GA, USA Registered: Mar 2006
my friend and i were at a strip joint in tucson. Pretty lady coming down the runway and my drunk a$$ throws down a dollar. Girls stops, crouches down and says real sexy
"whats that?"
I said, real drunk
"its a dollar"
she said, REAL uppity
"I dont dance for dollars"
I said, REAL pleased with myself
"Uh...so I get change?"
lol.
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09:49 PM
Finally_Mine_86_GT Member
Posts: 4809 From: Hyde Park, New York Registered: Sep 2006
lol... nice! i did get out of a speeding ticket once wiht a joke i got in my e-mail... true story. when i had my 87 fiero with the 383 stroker w/nos i thought i could run from any cop... wrong! anyway after taking off on this cop for about 2 minutes of him staying with me in his cruiser i just pulled over. after the usual questions of have i been drinking, am i on drugs and so on... he asked me "is there a reason you ran from me or are you just stupid?" well i told him "honestly officer, my girlfriend left me a while back for a police officer and i thought you were him trying to give her back!" it was hard holding a straight face but i did. after a few seconds of him holding back he starts chuckeling. he wiped the grin off his face and asked me if i wanted a ticket. of course i said no not really. he then just said "go home boy, and don't ever do that again" man i thought i was dead but he was cool. he followed me home though... so if your reading this officer truit, thanks for letting me go!
[This message has been edited by Finally_Mine_86_GT (edited 01-24-2007).]
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10:28 PM
Jan 25th, 2007
Carl Gideon Member
Posts: 22 From: Royse City, TX Registered: May 2003
Years ago I worked with a radio station in Midland, Texas. One day the news director went to the courthouse to cover a trial. As he got there, a gentleman was being convicted and fined for some minor incident. As he walked out of the court he made a comment to the people in the back about how stupid the judge was. The judge overheard him and asked him if he told those people he was stupid. The guy turns around and says, "Judge, I don't know how they found out."
I was assaulted by some big black dude several years ago. In court his lawyer goes thorugh the typical "self defense" b/s (the guy had 100 pounds on me and sucker-punched me as I was walking away) then the lawyer concludes by saying "..and also your honor, we believe this whole thing to be racially motivated." The judge looks at me and asks if I have anythng to add. I give my summary of what happened and concluded by saying, "And as far as this being racially motivated, I suppose it could be, but what my being Scottish has to do with it I'll never know..."
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01:01 PM
RandomTask Member
Posts: 4547 From: Alexandria, VA Registered: Apr 2005
Moshe, an experienced traffic policeman, got out of his car, walked over to the youngster he had just stopped for speeding, asked him to wind down his window and said, "I've been waiting for you all day." The youngster replied, "Yes, I know, officer, I got here as fast as I could." When Moshe finally stopped laughing, he sent the youngster on his way without a ticket.
I was in my car eyeballing a rather nice looking young lady who was jogging, she had stopped at a light and was sort of jogging in place waiting for the light to change. She saw me looking at her and I smiled and nodded. She shoots me a nasty look; "What are YOU looking at?!" Me, surprised and now irritated; "I'm watching you jog that fat off your ass."
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01:44 PM
blackrams Member
Posts: 33244 From: Covington, TN, USA Registered: Feb 2003
I was in my car eyeballing a rather nice looking young lady who was jogging, she had stopped at a light and was sort of jogging in place waiting for the light to change. She saw me looking at her and I smiled and nodded. She shoots me a nasty look; "What are YOU looking at?!" Me, surprised and now irritated; "I'm watching you jog that fat off your ass."
I sincerely wish I could think that fast, normally, I'm two blocks down the street before it comes to me what I should have said.
------------------ Ron Land of the Free because of the Brave. Most gave some, some gave all. My imagination is the only limiting factor to my Fiero. Well, there is that money issue.
Originally posted by blackrams: I sincerely wish I could think that fast, normally, I'm two blocks down the street before it comes to me what I should have said.
I'd be twice as funny if I could think like that all the time. Just once in a while they strike. Other times I'm like you- "GEEZE I wish I'd thought of that five minutes ago!"
A cop pulls over two guys in a ricer with blacked out Windows. He walks to the driver's side window and taps on the glass. The driver hits the button and "rrrrrrrrrrrrrr" the window goes down. As soon as the window was all the way open the cop reaches in and bitchslaps the driver right upside the head. "Hey!" says the driver rubbing his face. "What did you do that for? The cop says, "That's for not having your window rolled down when I stepped up to your door. From now on, whenever a police officer pulls you over, by the time he reaches your car you'd better have your window down and your licens and registration out and waiting for his inspection!" After issuing the driver a citation for speeding the cop strolls over to the other side of the car and taps on the passenger's window. As soon as the window was down the cop reaches in and slaps the crap out of the passenger. "What was THAT for??" the passenger demanded. "That," the cop replies coolly, "was for when you two get down the road a ways and you look over at him and say, "I wish that cop had slapped me like that!""
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03:04 PM
Fastkx Member
Posts: 319 From: St. Louis, Mo. Registered: Feb 2006
I will tell you this and ask that you remember I was 17 at the time. I was cruising in my Camaro one night right after I had gotten off work and was dog tired but wanted to find out if some of my friends were out and going to race that night and as I pulled away from this stoplight a bigger girl pulls up next to me in her car and just kept looking at me and keeping up with me for about 3 stop lights so at the last one I rolled down my passenger window and she smiles at me. I said to her that Jenny was looking for her and she looks at me confused and just as the light changes I said Jenny Craig now leave me alone and jumped on the gas.
I know it was bad of me and there is or was no excuse for it .
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07:00 PM
PFF
System Bot
gladiator Member
Posts: 241 From: Indianapolis, IN, USA Registered: Sep 2001
This can be an insult or a comeback: Tell the guy he should really think about tightening up his tie (or put one on if not wearing one) because the foreskin is starting to roll up over his head.
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10:05 PM
Finally_Mine_86_GT Member
Posts: 4809 From: Hyde Park, New York Registered: Sep 2006
Originally posted by Uaana: For those of you who support others in their jobs. I work with a girl who's cute, bit of a party girl, and is always asking for help. Her : "Can you help me" Me: "No, but there's a free clinic downtown" Think it took her about 15min to figure out what I was talking about.
Hmm, now that's the girl most guys want to "help" get home safe.
------------------ Ron Land of the Free because of the Brave. Most gave some, some gave all. My imagination is the only limiting factor to my Fiero. Well, there is that money issue.
