HEHE Watch my red bar Go up hehe. I am wanting my ratings bar to show up so i POSTED THIS@ HEHE
Canada Jokes
A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!"
Q: What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe? A: A canoe will tip.
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."
Q: Why do Canadians screw doggy-style? A: So both can watch the hockey game.
In Canada, there are only 2 seasons - six months of winter and 6 months of poor snowmobiling
Q: What does a Goal Keeper and a Quebec girl have in common? A: Both change their pads after three periods...
How many newfees does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie? 2. One to hold the cookie, and one to squeeze the rabbit.
What's the definition of a Canadian? - A disarmed American with health care...
When a Canadian thinks of Hell...he wonders what the heating bill must be.
An Ontarion, British Columbian and Newfee were on top of a cliff.
Suddenly, with a puff of smoke a genie appeared before them. The genie told the three men that if they jumped off the cliff, they'd land in whatever they yelled as they were jumping.
First to jump was the Ontarian. He accelerated towards the edge, jumped as far as he could whilst yelling 'MONEY!'. Sure enough, he landed in a mountain of cash and was filthy rich the rest of his life.
Next up was the British Columbian. He ran as fast as he could, jumped off the cliff and screamd, "GOLD!" Sure enough, he landed in a huge pile of gold and was an instant Billionaire.
Then the Newfee ran as fast as he could, reached the edge of the cliff, tripped over a rock and screamed in pain as he fell downwards...
"SHIIIIITTTT!!!"
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Seeing 2 dogs doing the deed, the embarrassed Canadian teacher tried to explain this to her students. "You see, the dog on top hurt his paw, and the one on the bottom is taking him to the doctor." "Oh, I see," said on of the students, "Just like in the US, try to help somebody and they screw you every time..."
Why does a Canadian cross the road? To get to the middle.
What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? The taste.
Why do Newfie dogs have flat noses? From chasing parked cars.
------------------ I give negatives to ass hats that correct peoples spelling and grammar. ***If you like my post show it and rate me!***
A "+" for you for the laughs. The doggy style one cracked me up. Here's another good one that landed in my inbox this morning....
Finally a joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian...
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God.
"That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the loud-mouth buggers I'm putting next to them...."
[This message has been edited by loafer87gt (edited 01-17-2004).]
No the Canadians do not hae us. They hate our president, and our politics. I have caught MUCH flak over Bush up here. But to be fair, the majority I have spoken to, did not like their now former Prime minister either
Actually Canadians seem to like us alot. But do not understand our love of our right to bear arms. I had a very long discussion with one of the constables up here about it. And he told me that as an officer for 28 years he has never once had to draw his gun. I on the other hand, had a conceal and carry permit for 2 years, and I had to draw mine once. I caught a burgler in my home.
Mind you I am speaking in a generalization. And I am not trying to insinuate in any way shape or form that these views account for everyone in Canada. Only the majority of those I have had chance to dicuss this with.
MJ and Fierobear: I apologize if you you guys took offence to the joke I posted above; it was purely in jest and I feel badly if you felt otherwise. Fierobear: No us Canucks don't hate you, not for a moment. The bold majority of us realize how fortunate we are to have you guys next us, you guys are practically family and I don't think there is a thing we wouldn't do for you guys. I don't think we could ask for a better neighbour.
So once again, the joke above was intended to be a little "ribbing" between friends, and I apologize if anyone took offense as it was not my intent. You gotta admit, it was kinda funny....
IP: Logged
12:34 PM
fierobear Member
Posts: 27104 From: Safe in the Carolinas Registered: Aug 2000
MJ and Fierobear: I apologize if you you guys took offence to the joke I posted above; it was purely in jest and I feel badly if you felt otherwise. Fierobear: No us
No, no, no offense. It was just some of the things that were said that made me wonder if Canadians have some kind of resentment or dislike of us. Just curiosity. I hope they tell those jokes in jest, and not because they really dislike us. That would be disheartening.
I thought those were all pretty funny. Except for the one about the tip and the beer. This is something that really bothers me about many Canadians. In Canada most people don't understand the concept of tipping. Everyone just adds 15% to the bill as a standard tip. People need to understand that if the service sucks you should make your point by not tipping or leave a real small tip tp pi$$ them off. Just make sure you don't go back and get the same waiter next time. I don't even have to explain the beer one for you. Any American that has had a Candaian beer can back that one up. However, like Jake_Dragon said maybe we should all just t leave that one alone
quote
Originally posted by loafer87gt:
The bold majority of us realize how fortunate we are to have you guys next us, you guys are practically family and I don't think there is a thing we wouldn't do for you guys. I don't think we could ask for a better neighbour.
0
Pretty much sums it up.
IP: Logged
03:03 PM
FieroFanaticus2 Member
Posts: 1770 From: Wisconsin, USA Registered: Mar 2001
Hey, Last weekend I went on a little road cruise, from Southern WI, into MN, then N. Dakota, back into MN, and Finanlly ended up in Pembina, N. Dakota (where I just purchased the GT I was looking for), anyway, since I was up that far and the border was right there, I decided to go visit Canada. Well, because of a prior felony conviction Canadian customs and immigration told me I couldn't go in, after 2 1/2 hours of being questioned about EVERYTHING. Anyway, while I was sitting in the waiting area of immigration I got a chance to meet some Canadians (YES! REAL CANADIANS, WHO LIVE IN CANADA!) They really do talk with an accent! But seemed like friendly people, and they spent money in the US, BTP..... The one thing I noticed from my short stay accross the border before being told to turn around and deal with US customs, was that CANADIAN CHICKS ARE HOT! Maybe it was just the location, maybe they dressed up to come into the states, maybe I'm just used to Wisconsin Chicks, but there was definately a difference. First off, they were skinny, all of them. Not that WI doesn't have skinny chicks, they're just hard to find here. 2nd. - They dressed well, no baggy pants and Flannel. And they weren't covered in Zits. But most of all, they seemed educated. BUT, one thing I did notice about their attitude, once they found out I was an american they pretty much lost all interest in carrying on a conversation. The expression on their faces turned from interest to pity. So it was interesting. Immigration did say if I gave them $200 for a 'waiver of rehibilitation' that I could enter Canada. But, that was the fun part of the border experience. Going back through US customs was not nearly as enjoyable. After explaining to them why Canada refused me, I went through another 2 hours of questioning, a vehicle search that resulted in EVERY KEY I own except my house key and vehicle key missing ( a friend back home had the key to my house, and the vehicle key is on it's own ring). It was a very intimidating experience.
A Mainlander was driving down the highway and he ran over a rabbit. Wondering what had happened, he stopped his car and got out to look. As he is standing there, looking at the dead rabbit, a Newfie drives by. The Newfie, wondering if he can help, stops and asks the Mainlander what's up.
Mainlander: "I'm here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your land rodents."
Newfie looks down and sees the dead rabbit.
Newfie: "No problem, b'y. Hang'er down a few."
Newfie goes to his truck and returns with an aerosol spray can. He empties the spray over the rabbit. He then chucks the empty can into the ditch and sez "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay." He gets in his truck and is gone.
The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet and he's gone into the woods.
The Mainlander was astounded!! Wondering what the Newfie did, he got the can out of the ditch and read the label, which said: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"going ----------------------------------------------
[This message has been edited by Slater_334 (edited 01-17-2004).]
IP: Logged
03:50 PM
Gokart Mozart Member
Posts: 12143 From: Metro Detroit Registered: Mar 2003
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God.
"That's Michigan, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Michigan are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin and Canada”.
An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to America."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada."
Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
IP: Logged
04:42 PM
Uaana Member
Posts: 6570 From: Robbinsdale MN US Registered: Dec 1999
Hey, Last weekend I went on a little road cruise, from Southern WI, into MN, then N. Dakota, back into MN, and Finanlly ended up in Pembina, N. Dakota (where I just purchased the GT I was looking for), anyway, since I was up that far and the border was right there, I decided to go visit Canada.
Drats!
If I had known you were going to be in our little neck of the woods (ND), would have met you in Grand Forks and/ro while you were detained at the borders in Pembina .
He came to Fairbanks a couple years ago to judge a duct tape building contest, way cool. He needs to move to america and run for President! Oh man, I would sure give him my vote.
