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todays funnies.... by olympic
Started on: 06-21-2000 05:44 AM
Replies: 14
Last post by: Raydar on 06-28-2000 08:45 AM
olympic
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Report this Post06-21-2000 05:44 AM Click Here to See the Profile for olympicClick Here to Email olympicSend a Private Message to olympicDirect Link to This Post
Ford announces the release of the new Ford Exhorbitant!!

New Ford Exorbitant Comes with Spare Explorer
Detroit, MI - Ford Motor Company announced today the new Ford Exorbitant. The Ford
Exorbitant seats 50 comfortably, and even comes with a spare Ford Explorer. The
Exorbitant, built on a standard bus frame is the largest SUV ever manufactured. Aside
from the spare Explorer, other standard features include a full kitchen, 3 bedrooms, and 1.5 bathrooms. "Many people have given up their own home and use the Exorbitant as
their only living space. It's much more convenient than finding a place to park the
Exorbitant," said CEO Jacques Nasser. He continued, "No longer will you be stranded if
you run out of gas, or get a flat tire. Sure you could use your cell phone to call for help, but who wants to wait for help? Just unload your Explorer and take care of the problem when you want to."

"I just love it," said soccer mom, Wendy Glickman, "I feel a lot safer knowing I have the spare Explorer. What if I forget my cell phone? What if the GPS in the Exorbitant fritzes out? Half a million dollars is a small price to pay for peace of mind."

Many environmental groups have voiced concerns over the Exorbitant's nuclear powered engine. "Gee, you make a car that doesn't run on gas and they still complain," responded Chairman William Clay Ford, Jr. "This vehicle gets 70,000 miles per enriched Uranium rod, which makes it the most environmental friendly SUV available."

The Lincoln Gigantro based on the Exorbitant will be available next year.

--------------------------------------------

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not
finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went
down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall,
sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied. "And
remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20
years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember... so?"

"I would have gotten out today."


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lennyb4
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Report this Post06-21-2000 08:05 AM Click Here to See the Profile for lennyb4Click Here to Email lennyb4Send a Private Message to lennyb4Direct Link to This Post
**WARNING : IF YOU DONT LIKE KINDA DIRTY JOKES DO NOT CONTINUE**

A woman was stuck in a unhappy marriage with the man who she grew up with. Well one day she meets a fella at a local bar and invites him back to her house for some lovin'. Well when he arives he is disturbed to find the womans husband sleeping in the bed she wants to screw around in. She assures him that her husband will not wake up and to prove it she encourages him to reach over and pluck out on of the mans a** hairs. He does this and the man never even moves.

They meet every night for two weeks and do the same ritual of plucking and ****ing (cant say the word that rymes ).

Then one day the husband bumps into the man at their local autoparts store. Confronted the man breaks down and confesses everything. The husband casually looks at twe man and says " listen buddy...i really dont care if you wanna f**k my wife, but god damn it quit using my ass as a score board"...

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olympic
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Report this Post06-22-2000 04:32 AM Click Here to See the Profile for olympicClick Here to Email olympicSend a Private Message to olympicDirect Link to This Post
What not to say after getting pulled over!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

and my personal favorite.....

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee
Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

---------------------------------------------

SOTALLY TOBER

Starkle starkle little twink

who the hell you are I think

I'm not under what you call

the alcofluence of incohol

I'm just a little slort of sheep

I'm not drunk like tinkle peep

I don't know who is me yet

but the drunker I stand here

the longer I get

Just give me one more drink

to fill me cup

'cuz I got all day sober

to Sunday up.

------------------------------------------

Q) What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

A) Somebodies gonna lose a trailer!

--------------------------------------------
Q) Whats it called when a guy talks dirty to a girl?

A) Sexual Harassment

Q) Whats it called when a girl talks dirty to a guy?

A) $4.99 a min.!

-------------------------------------------- Q) How do you make a hanky dance?

A) Put a little boggie in it.

---------------------------------------------
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed
with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."


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DJRice
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Report this Post06-22-2000 09:00 AM Click Here to See the Profile for DJRiceClick Here to Email DJRiceSend a Private Message to DJRiceDirect Link to This Post
<doing my best Sling Blade Impression>

These Two guys are going to the bathroom off a bridge.

ummm hmmm.

One of those guys says "This water sure is cold."

The other says "Yeah, and its deep too."

umm hmm.

I rekon one of those fellas was from Arkansas.

Git it?

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Monkeyman
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Report this Post06-22-2000 09:23 AM Click Here to See the Profile for MonkeymanSend a Private Message to MonkeymanDirect Link to This Post
Not really.
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Gold-86SE
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Report this Post06-22-2000 11:33 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Gold-86SEClick Here to Email Gold-86SESend a Private Message to Gold-86SEDirect Link to This Post

If you have to explain it, then the punchline is lost.

The punch explained:
Both guys are whizzing from the bridge, one says "The water is cold." The other says "Yeah, and its deep too."

It is inferred that that both guys have their wang in the h20, and one is more well endowed than the other. Now, which guy is from Arkansas, that is for you to decide.

But here is a twist. What if the bridge is actually only a couple of inches above the water? Ummmm? Then would both guys be from Arkansas?

[This message has been edited by Gold-86SE (edited 06-22-2000).]

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lennyb4
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Report this Post06-22-2000 03:57 PM Click Here to See the Profile for lennyb4Click Here to Email lennyb4Send a Private Message to lennyb4Direct Link to This Post
That is soooo easy to figure out man... The guy who said it was cold is from Arkansas, there no doupt about it. Why you ask??? ummm... Because they guy who said it was deep must have been from Ohio baby.
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DJRice
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Report this Post06-26-2000 09:05 AM Click Here to See the Profile for DJRiceClick Here to Email DJRiceSend a Private Message to DJRiceDirect Link to This Post
Hehe, I had watched Sling Blade the evening before I posted that note. Thats how Karl (in the movie) told the joke. He messed it up but I thought it was hilarious either way.

You would have to see (or remember) the movie.

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Report this Post06-26-2000 12:04 PM   Send a Private Message to DJRiceDirect Link to This Post
i think that first joke is bound to happen soon. if no company makes one, i wont be surprised to see a fixed up school bus come cruisin through the park one sunday.
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Monkeyman
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Report this Post06-26-2000 12:20 PM Click Here to See the Profile for MonkeymanSend a Private Message to MonkeymanDirect Link to This Post
Dodge already has one. It's called the Kenworth T2000. Honestly. If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'. I can't remember which one came 1st, but here's the story. Party #1 had a radical design but were afraid that the public wouldn't take to it. They "rented" the basic design to Party #2. Party #2 made it a HUGE success. Now both Partys are happy (and quite a bit richer, I might add). I'll try to find a pic of the KW.
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Monkeyman
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Report this Post06-26-2000 12:30 PM Click Here to See the Profile for MonkeymanSend a Private Message to MonkeymanDirect Link to This Post

The pictures suck. Sorry. This was the best I could do on short notice. These guys are fraternal twins.

[This message has been edited by Monkeyman (edited 06-26-2000).]

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olympic
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Report this Post06-26-2000 03:36 PM Click Here to See the Profile for olympicClick Here to Email olympicSend a Private Message to olympicDirect Link to This Post
I heard a rumor thet GMC is going to build a SUV bigger than the Excursion. Oh yes people, the gauntlet has been thrown down.

I think that in the future, huge SUV's are going to be looked back upon like tail fins in the 50's. A curious oddity.
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Report this Post06-26-2000 04:26 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Gold-86SEClick Here to Email Gold-86SESend a Private Message to Gold-86SEDirect Link to This Post

Olympic, I consider that a poinant(sp) thought. But here is an additional thought along the suv/fin line, will the biggest of the big be a sought after prize, like the cadillac?
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Report this Post06-27-2000 08:50 AM Click Here to See the Profile for DJRiceClick Here to Email DJRiceSend a Private Message to DJRiceDirect Link to This Post
If thats the case, were all going to need bigger garages!
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Raydar
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Report this Post06-28-2000 08:45 AM Click Here to See the Profile for RaydarClick Here to Email RaydarSend a Private Message to RaydarDirect Link to This Post
One evening this guy hears a voice in his head that says, "Quit your job,
Sell your house, Take your money and go to Las Vegas!" The voice was quite
clear, and the guy became disturbed at what he'd heard, but decided to
ignore it.

The next evening, out of nowhere, he hears the voice again, "Quit your job.
Sell your house. Go to Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice, but is very
troubled by the meaning of the event. This goes on every evening for a week,
each time the voice sounding more imperative; "Quit your job! Sell your
house! Go to Vegas!" And finally the fellow succumbs. Surely this is
something he can't ignore.

So he sells his house, quits his job and flies to Vegas with the cash. As
he's getting off the plane, the voice again rings clearly in his head,

"Go to Harrah's!"

So he hops in a cab and rushes to Harrahs. As he's entering the Casino, the
voice says "Go to the Roulette wheel!" The man does as he's commanded, buys
chips with his cash, and approaches the table.

The voice says, "Put all your money on 17!"

Nervously the man slides his pile onto 17, and the croupier - after getting
permission from the pit boss to accept such a large bet, wishes the man good
luck and spins the wheel.

Around and 'round the ball caroms. The wheel slows and the ball starts to
bounce until it finally settles into ... 21

The voice in his head says, "sh!t!"

[This message has been edited by Raydar (edited 06-28-2000).]

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