20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno 19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver 18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton 16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan 15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club 3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS -by O.J. Simpson 1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
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Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps.
After they got settled and had ridden that way for awhile, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer. Surprised, he replied, "Yes, I am! How did you know?" "Easy," she said. "I'm getting shocked by your soldering iron."
Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "Are you a mechanical egineer?" He said, "Why, yes, ma'am. How did you know that?" "Simple," she said, "Your piston is scraping my cylinder."
Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, "Are you a civil engineer?" "I certainly am," he answered. "How could you have known that?" "Well," she said, "I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village.
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A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6'5", weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
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05:20 AM
PFF
System Bot
Monkeyman Member
Posts: 15810 From: N. Wilkesboro, NC, USA Registered: Nov 1999
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, chemical engineer, and a computer engineer are all in a car headed to a job site. Suddenly, the car dies and coasts to a halt on the side of the road.
The electrical engineer says "The ignition system has failed, we will have to replace the coils before we can go.
The mechanical engineer says "No, Improper lubrication has caused the engine to seize. We will have to rebuild it before we can proceed."
The chemical engineer says "It is quite obvious that a there is a contaminant in the fuel, we will have to drain the fuel tank and purge the fuel system before it will run again.
The computer engineer says "Cant we solve the problem by each getting out of the car and then getting right back in?"
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A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Whatcha drinkin?"
The Bear says "I'll have a, uhhh, hmmm, a Bud Light."
The bartender says "So why the big paws?"
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01:30 PM
lennyb4 Member
Posts: 428 From: parma, ohio USA Registered: Nov 1999
Well its not a joke but seeing how weve been messin' with all them there red-necks, i just thought this would be fittin:
"A red necks love peom"
Collards are green, my dogs name is blue and im so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like corn silk a flappin' in the breeze, Softer then blues and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in may, You aint got no scales but i love ya anyway. To're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan, Yo're as fragrent as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which isa is proud, I hold my head high when were in a crowd. On special occasions when you shave under yo're arms,Well, im in hog heaven and awed by yo're charms. Still them fella's at work, they all want to know, What i did to deserve such a purdy young doe. Like a good roll of duck tape, yo're ther fur yo're man, To patch up lifes troubles and fix what ya can. Yo're as cute as a june bug a-buzzin overhead, You aint like those fire ants i found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,You spark up my life more then a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gun rack,My life is complete: aint nuttin' i lack. Yo're complection, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin', despite all the years, yo're age it keeps hidin'. Me-n-you's like a moon pie with a cold RC drank, Shoot we go together like shunk goes with skank. Some mens, they buy chocolate on valentines day; they git it from walmart, its romantic that way. Some mens git roses on that special day, from the cooler at Kroggers; "thats impressive" i say. Some mens get them diamonds from a flea market booth,"Diamonds are forever" they explain all suave and cooth. But for this man. honey, them things they wont do, Cause yo're so special you sweet thang yes'um you. I got you a gift with-out taste nor odor, more useful then diamonds............. ......."Its a new troll'n motor".....
hehehehe
IP: Logged
02:00 PM
Patrick's Dad Member
Posts: 5154 From: Weymouth MA USA Registered: Feb 2000
An Engineer, a Technician, and a Manager were out at lunch, when they happened upon Alladin's Lamp.
The Genie, upon appearing to them told them, "Since I grant three wishes, and there are three of you, you each get one wish."
The Engineer wished, "I want a million dollars, and to live in a house in Hollywood with an incredibly beautiful woman." POOF! He disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The Technician wished, "I want half a billion dollars, a mansion on my own private island, populated by a hundred of the most beautiful women in the world." POOF! He vanished likewise.
The Manager wished, "I want them both back in the office in five minutes."
Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion and loses an eye, an arm, and his penis. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health.
They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a penis, they give him a baby elephant's trunk. After about a week, Cheetah, comes up to Tarzan and says, "How Tarzan like new parts?"
Tarzan says, "Eye good, Tarzan see far and clear.....arm good, long, strong.....but Tarzan not crazy about new weenie, all day long, pick weeds, stuffs up Tarzan's ass.
