This is just a silly ricer story I found on www.thirdgen.org
Well....I was really drunk...it was my 350.
Sunday afternoon, while finsishing off my first case of Schlitz for the day, I heard a ruckus coming from the barn. I grabbed my last two cans of Schlitz & my shotgun & stumbled out to the barn. I damn near fell in the pile of beercans on my lawn.
As I got closer to the barn, I realized that the noise was cooming from the chicken coup. I opened the door and it was the damndest thing I ever saw------
There was this oriental feller chasin' after my chickens with his wang out.....I never saw a wang that small before, but it was a wang, nonetheless!! He looked shocked that I had caught him trying to touch my chickens in a peculair manner.
After a moment he said: "Drunken American Round-Eye, You cannot catch me, I have an Acura Integra, the fastest car in America, Ha, Ha."
He made a mad dash for his car, but I wasn't worried. I sauntered over to me 1982 Primered Z28, opened the door, and got comfy on my new simulated Zebra-Hide seat covers. When the big 350 came to life, I heard Akimoto whimper, as he revved his Acura & took off, front tires slingin' chicken $hit all down the sides.
I goosed the big 350 & took off after him. He pulled onto the main road & I followed, lighting a Camel & grabbing another Schlitz outta my cooler.
Once we hit the highway, I was right on him. A few miles down the road, the acidic nature of the chicken $hit caused one of his Type-R stickers to fall off. He immediately dropped 10 MPH. He had no chance now. I took a big swig of Schlitz & put the hammer down. The Z rear-ended the Integra, he fishtailed, but regained control. "Dubba, Dubba, Diiiiiie, Dubba, Dubba Diiiiie" screamed Akimoto.
I grabbed another Schlitz & hit the go pedal again. The 350 blew smoke, but pushed the Primered Z28 to 120, hitting Mr. Akimoto again. This time, he couldn't correct, he lost control, went off the road, spun several times & came to a halt.
I turned the Z around & drove to where Akimoto had met his fate. I grabbed another Schlitz & walked up to where Akimoto had wrecked Bonsai Mobile. He was dazed, but still conscious.
"You wrecked me round-eye!! How you do that, I drive Acura Integra, fastest car in America."
"Well boy, it's not the fastest car in America now is it? You shouldn't have been messin' 'round with my chickens."
"But American women make fun of my genitalia, call it too small, make fun of Mr. Akimoto.....chickens make noise, but they no tell me that. Hole is tighter, me like chickens."
"Well boy," I said as I stood there in my woman beater T-Shirt, belly hangin' out, Schlitz dribblin' down my chin, "You see who is your Master now, don't you?"
"Yes, Mr. Bill Bobb, I underestimate you, Beer-Guzzling American Round-Eye, I sorry, I never try sex with your chickens again, I sorry, please spare me."
I stood there, gut hanging out, Godawful smell eminating from my armpits......I almost pitied Akimoto......Sitting there in his bent & twisted Acura, chicken $**** all over his stickers, bent $2000 wheels & all.
"Sorry boy, I can't let it go," I said as I took another mouthful of Schlitz.
"But I do anything, I work for free on your Rice Plantation, Mr. Bill Bobb...Please!!"
I considered this....I could have him wax my primered Z28, clean up some of the beer cans & such.........No, he didn't deserve to live.
"Sorry boy, no can do," I said as I unzipped my fly & pulled out what God gave me.
"Yes, I touch you, I do that before for men, yes, I'll do whatever you want, Mr. Bill Bobb."
"I don't go fer that stuff boy," I said as I began to relieve my bladder, which had reached capacity from my Schlitz intake.
I relieved myself all over Mr. Akimoto & his mangled Integra..... must have been a gallon, of processed Schlitz & Jack Daniels for lunch.
"Round-Eyed Bastard!!" cried Akimoto.
I lit a camel, took a few drags, then I tossed it onto the soaked in flammable whiskey & Schlitz Acura.
The whole thing went up quick. I zipped myself up, headed back to the Z & drove home.
I picked up another case of Schlitz, & went home.
The chickens can now live in peace.
I'm rough, tough & I have a beer gut. I drink Schlitz, the best beer in America. I own 1982 Primered Black Z28--The fastest car in America.
I also own a Rice Plantation.
Dr. Bill Bobb