The Joke Thread (Page 28/31)
maryjane FEB 23, 10:56 AM
Easter Peeps?
maryjane MAR 05, 10:48 AM
It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift check for $100.

At the second house they presented him with fine Cuban cigars in an nice carved box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde, dressed in revealing lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the best time he had ever experienced.

When he was well and truly spent, they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, hash browns, ham, sausage, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was finished she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five bucks for?"

"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

"He said, %#!* him. Give him five bucks."

"................... but the breakfast was my idea."

[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 03-05-2024).]

shemdogg MAR 06, 07:11 PM
Cheese Factory explodes in France.

...nothing left but de Brie

Where are the books on Paranoia?

..right behind you

Wat do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh

have in Common?

...same middle name

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers &
Grandfathers? Well re it is. A friend, who worked away from home all
week always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old Granddaughter out
for a drive in the car for some bonding time...just he and his

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't
feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and
said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather.'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see
a single dumb bastard, dip **** or horse's ass anywhere we went

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it....

Merve hears a knock on the door answers it and there’s this guy with a bible in his hand ,Merve said,can I help you ?The guy says ,yes I’m a Jehovah’s Witness .
Merve said ,come in ,Merve offers him some tea and biscuits to which the Jehovah's Witness accepts. Hey sit down and Merve says what happens now ? The Jehovah's Witness says ,I don’t know I’ve never got this far before !!!

Political Science 101

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized
and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creatures private
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
think is the best looking cow.

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders .

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?

I have an Epipen.......

My friend gave it to me as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it.

What kind of cell phone did Delilah use ?


Samson replaced all the countertops....

In Delilah's son's home

He told her, " This is for Micah, I hope he doesn't take it for granite ".

Wizard of Oz 85 years old.
Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage, she wouldn't be in Oz.

She'd be in Congress!

Word for the day- Ineptocracy

Ineptocracy (in-ept-oc-ra-cy) - System of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a
full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that
we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would
be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the
odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured
that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped
at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked
beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat
and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me
promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the
opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud,
but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a
pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse
than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on
like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with
my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the
blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around
the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill Gates says a cow emits more pollution...

Than a car. Allow me to propose this: I will lock myself in my garage with a cow overnight. Bill can lock himself in his garage with a running car. In the morning we can have a meeting to discuss the results.

It's true that alcohol can kill people but think about how many were born because of it.

Old McDonald has a bad Scrabble hand


Never give up on people Take...

...Cyril as an example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage and was going to be evicted from his house the very next day.
He drove all the way down to Beachy Head and parked two feet from the edge of the cliff. He was going to end it all and drive off the edge. He just sat there with his head on the steering wheel sobbing. People tried to comfort him but he was so depressed he didn't listen to them! This is what I mean when I say never give up on people. They all passed a hat around and got Cyril the £500.
Who passed the hat around?
All the people on his bus!

Military service

Dad: "Son, In Afghanistan I killed 12 people.”

Son: "Dad you were a cook."

Dad: "Never said I was a good one."

My wife walks out of the bathroom, winks at me and says, "I just shaved down there, you know what that means!"

I said, "yeah, the drain is clogged."

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

The other day I parked my car outside the State Capital Building. A guard said, "you can't park here, this is where our politicians work. I replied,
"don't worry, it'll be safe, I've locked it."

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone.

She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Carol. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.

No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Carol, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Carol doesn't use her cell phone in public any more......

Boobs are proof that men can focus on two things at once.

I never tried drugs before........

but now I'm up to speed.

The wife is threatening to leave me...

because I can never make a decision for myself.

What do you think I should do?

What's the difference between.....

a Nirvana concert and a pirate orgy?

Either you come as you are, or you arrrr as you cum.

My deaf girlfriend just told me.....

" I think we need to talk ".

That's not a good sign


cvxjet MAR 10, 09:50 PM
Ok- don't know if a video fits but this is really funny- about car names...My Aunt (Retired Air Force Reservist) sent me this;

maryjane MAR 11, 10:23 PM
Did you hear about the Cessna 172 that crashed into a cemetery in Mississippi?

So far they've recovered nearly 500 digging continues thru out the night..

[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 03-12-2024).]

shemdogg MAR 12, 08:39 PM
What do wives and hurricanes have in common?

When they arrive they're wet and wild.

When they leave they take the house and car with them.

We were so poor..........................

When I was a kid, my parents would make me walk the plank. ( we couldn't afford a dog )

i cut the bottom limb off our big fir tree and decorated it for Christmas ...

My girlfriend was so poor she gave me imitation crabs

that for breakfast we had Ordinary K

One year, for Christmas, all I got was an air guitar.

We were only allowed to play Dungeons OR Dragons.

A girl asked me what it's like having a penis...

I told her:

"It's hard sometimes"

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know four things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No, not if I'm gonna' have to explain it four times.”

Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.

Or, how to fix a flat tire by letting the air out of the other three.

I was told I could be anyone I wanted to be

Now they're trying to call it identity theft.

My doctor told me I should start running.

Apparently he found out I was screwing his wife.

A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to rent the shop on the left.

The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?" The guy says, "A men's wear shop." The owner tells him he gets free signage and asks what he wants on the sign. "Men's Wear," says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to rent the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The owner tells him that the left hand shop will be the same. "No problem," says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign. The guy replies: "Entrance."

I have the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

Q.What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.David's
Triumph was heard throughout the land. A Honda, because the Apostles
were all in one Accord.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Adam blamed Eve

Eve blamed the snake

and the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.

One day a young lad came home from school at 7pm.

"You're late. Where were you?" asked his father.

"I was with my friend Jessica." he replied.

"Doing what?" his dad asked again.

"We were just studying, Dad." replied the boy.

The father glared at him skeptically. Wanting to change the subject, the boy picked up a snack off the kitchen table and took a bite. "Wow, these fish cakes are delicious!" said the boy.

Dad replied with a smirk: "Go wash your hands, son. Those are donuts."

maryjane MAR 17, 11:11 PM
Cow farts come from the dairy air.

People who say "go big or go home" seriously under estimate my willingness to go home. Really, it's my only goal.

If you think you have it bad, just think. There's someone right now meeting your ex and thinking they really found someone special.

An alien space ship lands on the White House lawn. We are thrilled to find the alien is very human-like and very friendly. He asks if our president can set up a meeting of the leaders of all nations of the world, which he certainly can do. So in a week there's a huge meeting with the leaders of 200 nations. Each leader has a few minute to ask whatever questions he'd like.

So eventually it gets to the Pope, leader of the independent Vatican. The Pope asks the alien if he's familiar with Jesus Christ, the savior of the universe. "Sure I know him!" the alien says. "He visited us only about two farges ago—that's about six months in your time. Great guy, Jesus!"
The Pope says "He visited you six months ago?"

"Yes!" the alien says. "He visits us every two or three years. We're always very happy to see him!"

The Pope says "He came here two thousand years ago—that's four thousand farges! And we're still waiting for him to come back! Why does he visit you so often?"

The alien says "Well we make this great chocolate on our planet. Dark chocolate. Jesus loves chocolate! We always send him away with ten pounds of chocolate. And we have a big party when he leaves."

"Chocolate?" the Pope says.

"Sure. He loves the stuff. When he visited here last, how did you send him off?"

shemdogg MAR 23, 10:47 PM
In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depends."

What's a mixed feeling?

When you see your mother in law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What's the definition of a surprise?

A fart with a lump in it.

Imagine a government operated so poorly...

They had to import an entire nation of new

voters because they lost the citizens vote.

Little boy: "Mommy, what happens when a car gets so old and rusty that it won't move anymore?"

Mom: "Someone sells it to your father."

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.

"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded.

"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."

Adam & Eve were the first people who didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions.

What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They can smell it but they can't eat it.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

My medical test results are in.

They have ruled out anything cheap.

I remember one time when I was arrested by a female police officer.

She informed me that anything I said can and will be held against me.

I said "Boobs!"

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

Boeing reports all quality problems solved...

...after fixing the malfunctioning whistleblower.

My favorite mythical creature, an honest politician.

Social media has never caused the lame to walk

But it sure has caused the dumb to speak!

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others

The rest of us have to be the others

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.

Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking.

He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.

But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

I recently purchased a toilet brush.

Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

"Talk dirty to me," she begged.

Me: "OK.....................Volkswagen diesel."

The husband says to his wife, "why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm'?

She replies, "I don't like calling you when you're at work."

New Joe Biden inaction figure.

Comes with removable sunglasses, ice cream cone and Chinese money.

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. "This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV, and games console shut down immediately. It was raining -- therefore I couldn't play golf, so I talked to my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person...


Valkrie9 MAR 25, 07:22 PM

This images is larger than 153600 bytes. Click to view.
Kayaking off Ragged Point, California, the inquisitive wildlife greeting friendlily above the kelp.
Valkrie9 MAR 25, 07:49 PM

That's like, a mile across !
There I was, innocently walking with the dog, when, all of a sudden, like, the UFO rose above the clouds into the sunny sky, a jet of cold air rushing down, the wind refreshing in the summer's heat.
Weather Phenomena, is what the news said later, but, I had seen it with my own eyes, so did many others in the neighborhood, too frightened to speak out, afraid of the unknown.
2014, Toronto