 
     |
| The Joke Thread (Page 36/37) |
|
shemdogg
|
MAY 03, 03:57 PM
|
|
|
|
|
shemdogg
|
MAY 28, 10:30 PM
|
|
shem
|
|
|
blackrams
|
JUN 22, 07:57 AM
|
|
------------------
Rams
Learning most of life's lessons the hard way. . 
You are only young once but, you can be immature indefinitely.
|
|
|
|
Valkrie9
|
SEP 12, 07:29 AM
|
|
|
|
cliffw
|
OCT 01, 03:52 PM
|
|
A man entered the confessional and told his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The man said, "Well, we took our clothes off and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped!" The priest said, "Rubbing against each other is like getting into each other. You'll never see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box!"
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked toward the poor box. He paused for a moment, then began to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, ran to him and said, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yes, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
|
|
|
cliffw
|
OCT 06, 01:12 PM
|
|
A blond sits down on a plane and starts to read her book but the guy sitting next to her, a lawyer, won’t leave her alone. Finally, he says to her, “Let’s play a game. I’ll ask you a question and if you can’t answer it, you owe me five dollars. Then you ask me a question and I can’t answer it, I owe you a thousand dollars.”
The blond says, “Okay.”
The lawyer says, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
Without a word, the blond opens her purse, takes out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to him. She then asks, “What goes up the hill on three legs and comes down on two?”
The lawyer thinks about this; he does an internet search; he calls his friends and asks them but he’s stymied and he hands the blond a thousand dollars. She puts it into her purse and goes back to reading. The lawyer says, “Hey! What’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blond opens her purse, takes out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to him.
|
|
|
|
cvxjet
|
OCT 06, 01:45 PM
|
|
|
Wait- What is the answer, Cliff? Dang- do I need to send you $5 or $1000....?
|
|
|
|
cliffw
|
NOV 26, 12:46 PM
|
|
Commandments for Seniors
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
Be decisive. Right or wrong make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision
When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough”
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud pies (seriously, I did).
Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself.
You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.
Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that need some work.
"On time" is when you get there.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.
Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you!
"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
|
|
|
|
cliffw
|
NOV 26, 04:31 PM
|
|
An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry's.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."'
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand...
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
|
|
|
|
cliffw
|
DEC 22, 11:38 AM
|
|
|
I have a friend who has been dating a girl for three months. She finally asked to meet his family. He still does not know why she got so mad when he introduced her to his wife and children.
|
|
|
|