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| The Joke Thread (Page 35/37) |
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maryjane
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FEB 10, 10:59 PM
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Drying it's wings. I've seen vultures, buzzards, hawks and eagles do it.
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A man is sitting at the bar....
He is sad and frustrated, bangs the empty glass on the bar and asks for another drink. The guys next to him inquires about his mental state. Guy tells him that he has been single for so long, it hurts. Here's the story:
"Long time ago, I was late to my dinner date with my fiancée. She was the most charming woman ever, but She was a war veteran and had lost her eye in the war and wore a glass eye instead. While having dinner, she sneezed hard and her eye flew out. This bastard dude, sitting at a nearby table caught it. They got talking and ended up back at our place, making passionate love. He asked my fiancée if she sleeps every dude she meets.
She replied, "No, of course not, You just happened to catch my eye".
It was that very moment I walked in on them and broke off the engagement.
If it hadn't been for that caught-an-eye Joe, I'd been married long time ago...."
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I saw a girl in the parking lot outside Lowes, crying and said she had lost $200 on the way into the store. I felt sorry for her so I gave her $40 from the $200 I had just found.
When God blesses ya, you're supposed to pass some of it on to others.
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I write & sometimes, sing songs about sewing machines. I'm a Singer songwriter. Or so it seams.
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Wife told me i was too old to ride skateboards or go sledding.
I said "Hold my Ensure and watch this."
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Remember, if you let them shenan once, they'll shenanigan
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cliffw
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MAR 10, 03:52 PM
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Only in Bandera TX.
I walked into EZ Mart to get a drink and as I walk up, I noticed these 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas.. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the cops standing RIGHT there.. But anyways, I minded my own business and went inside and got my drink.. As I was paying for my drink, I heard someone screaming!! Like I’m talkin' violent death screams!! I looked outside and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! When I got outside, the cops had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out!!
Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the squad car.. I was thinking, arrested?? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a squad car?? And being nosey as I am, I asked the sheriffs what they were arresting her for.. The officer looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM IN PUBLIC”!!
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Valkrie9
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MAR 18, 08:27 AM
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Valkrie9
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MAR 18, 08:59 AM
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Valkrie9
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MAR 29, 12:42 PM
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Valkrie9
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APR 04, 11:20 PM
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Valkrie9
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APR 17, 06:57 AM
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maryjane
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APR 22, 11:17 AM
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For this reason (and others) I will never ever visit Missouri.
(Yes, it's a real place, and evidently has franchises available if anyone is interested)
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maryjane
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APR 26, 12:39 PM
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A man goes into a circus tent, finds the ringmaster, and asks to join the circus.
"What's your act?" asks the ringmaster.
"I do bird imitations," says the man.
"Forget about it!" says the ringmaster. "No one will come to the circus to see bird imitations."
"Fair enough," says the man, and flies out of the tent.
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shemdogg
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APR 27, 01:14 PM
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Needs more aero
And the granite countertop wrap
shem
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