The Joke Thread (Page 31/37)
Valkrie9 APR 10, 07:02 AM


'83 Mad Magazine's parody of Return of the Jedi
Valkrie9 APR 12, 10:36 AM

Valkrie9 APR 12, 11:18 AM

The Alamo, hordes of alien invaders storming the walls of Texas, sounding the moans of the zombies, an eery howl.
Valkrie9 APR 12, 11:39 AM

This is the way, Darwin observed, the weak and stupid fall prey to the smarter, stronger, entirely natural selection, nature's method of strengthening the genes of society.
Being stupid attenuates the lifespan, naturally.
cvxjet APR 17, 10:01 PM
just read a joke that is pretty good;

Teacher states; "Write a sentence which includes the words "Defense" "defeat" and "Detail"...

Charlie's answer; "When a horse jumps over defence, defeet go first followed by detail"

[This message has been edited by cvxjet (edited 04-17-2024).]

shemdogg APR 18, 09:05 PM


Me: "Doc, I get a nasty reaction after applying the hemorrhoid cream you prescribed me."
Doctor: "Where did you apply it ?"
Me: "On the bus."
-------------------

Salesman: “ This van will sleep four people without any problems.”

Me: “I don’t know four people without any problems.”
--------------------

I rented an expensive luxury car.......

and was shocked to learn that it didn't come with a driver.

All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
-------------------

After sex with this woman I picked up at the bar

she said, "You're easily the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently, "ditto" was the wrong response. Visiting hours at the hospital are 10 am to 8 pm.
-------------------

Little Linda was waiting outside the shop for her mother when this man came up to her and asked, young lady, can you tell me where the Post Office is? Little Linda says, go down 3 streets and turn left. The man said thank you, I’m the new pastor and if you come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you the way to heaven!! Little Linda said, you're bullshitting me you can’t even find your way to the Post Office!!
-------------------

Little Johnny missed school one day.

The next day teacher asked where he was, and he replied: "I had to take the cow to be inseminated by a bull."

The teacher asked, "Couldn't your daddy have done that?" To which Johnny replies, "Maybe, but the bull does it better."
----------------------

A husband asks his wife, "If I die, will you marry another man?"

The wife answered, "No, of course not! I'm going to go live with my sister. What about you, are you getting married again when I'm gone? "

He replied, "No, same as you. I'm going to go live with your sister."
-----------------------

Isn't it disgusting when people cheat on their taxes ?

It's not a world I want my 23 dependents to grow up in.
---------------------

shem
shemdogg APR 25, 10:41 AM
I kicked a nasty habit.

The nun is filing assault charges.
------------------

He's such a nice guy He'll let you borrow

any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up!


He's Never Gonna Give You Up
---------------------

My train of thought often leaves the station without me.
----------------------

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, went

back, got distracted and have no idea what's going on.
---------------------

I got myself a new senior's GPS

Not only does it tell me how to get there, it reminds me why I went there in the first place.
---------------------

Clark Kent had to call himself "Superman" because "Chuck Norris" was already taken.
-------------------

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself. She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"
And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"
And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this."
And she agrees.

That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats below deck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn.

After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection below decks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear.
"WHAT are you doing here, madam??"
And she tells all, "I...I'm a stowaway! I have an...arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food."

"And?" says the captain
"And...well. He's screwing me."
and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
----------------------------

I had a bunch of penis jokes for today..........

....................but I scrotum all up.
--------------------------

There's a new hotel downtown called The G-spot.

It got a zero star rating. Nobody could find it
----------------------------

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is the most painful experience a human can have; way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.

Well, time for another beer.
--------------------------------

You know there is no official training for trash collectors?

They just pick things up as they go along.
---------------------------------

You Know It's Summer in Florida When...

- When your car is overheating before you drive it.

- Your computer won't work unless it has it's own AC blowing on it.

- Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the heated air in the balloon

- Airplanes can't land because the asphalt runways are too soft.

- You discover that you can drive the car using only two fingers on the hot steering wheel.

- The ducks in the park are designated "original recipe" and "extra crispy."

-More hot water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.

- Your pool water boils so much in the sun that you can boil potatoes in ten minutes in it.

- You burn the grass by watering it with the hose.

- The hotdogs sold outside the Home Depot are actually hot.

- A hot shower cools you off.

- The politicians have to take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.

- You cover the leather seats in the car with cloth or sit on towels.

- At noon in July, the kids are on summer vacation, and no one is moving on the streets.

- Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping.

- You burn your hand opening the car door and your rear end wearing shorts on the hot seats.

- You notice the best parking place is determined by the shade under trees instead of the distance to the door.

- Your dog refuses to go outside so you are forced to build and inside a/c toilet facility for it.

- All picnics feature hot food like it or not.

- There is no such thing as "Cool Aid."

- The beaches are over populated with natives instead of tourists.
---------------------------------

21 Church Signs...

1. "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."

2. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

3. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

4. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

6. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

7. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

8. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."

9. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"

10. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

11. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

12. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

13. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

14. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

15. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

16. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

17. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ----- (U R)

18. "In the dark? Follow the Son."

19. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."

20. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

21. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED! That took care of the problem!
--------------------------

There's an app that tells you immediately which of your friends are total morons.


It's called Facebook.

-----------------------------

I hope these don't bug you....

Banks use insects to check customers' balances and deal with financial issues.
They're called account-ants.

Ten insects living in a housing complex: Tenants

Insects that frequent Muslim places of worship: Mosque-itos

I know a guy who cross-breeds insects. I liked him at first, but now I'm tired of his ant-ticks.

An insect on your family tree: An ant-cestor
---------
I know those were gnat very funny
-----------------------

I've only been gluten-free for a week,

but I'm already really annoying.
-------------------------

Me ( to grandson ):

"When I was your age, there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women."
------------------------

I love playing craps in Hawaii.

It's a tropical pair-a-dice.
------------------------

A parrot at the auction

A man buys a parrot at an auction after bidding higher and higher against another bidder.

“I suppose the bird talks,” he said to the auctioneer.

“Talks!” replies the auctioneer. “He’s been bidding against you for the last 10 minutes!!!”
-------------------------

Did you hear they arrested the devil?

They got him for possession.
-------------------------

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco, Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
----------------------

Pick up line: "If you're feeling down...........

...................................I will feel you up."
-------------------------

People who say fight fire with fire

clearly don't understand the effectiveness of water.
-------------------------

I asked a prostitute how much for a go?

She said $400 dollars.

I had a good laugh at her expense.
--------------------------

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep

with them. I thought, "Man, I feel like I've won the lottery !"
I was right.................................we had six matching balls.
-------------------------

Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus.

He was watching **** over my shoulder.
-------------------------

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.

After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once too."
-------------------------

When my wife and I were vacationing in the eastern part of our state, our car's license plate was stolen. We planned to go to a local office for a replacement, but then we discovered that our registration had expired. The new one was at home in a pile of mail. After much thought, we came up with a solution. Taping a sign over the empty license plate space on the rear of the vehicle, we made the eight-hour trip home safely. Not a single state trooper stopped us, but many passing motorists took great pains to honk and wave at us.

Our sign read "Just Married!"
---------------------------

Signs that Childhood Is Over...

*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.

*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

*The average 10-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

*Being bad is no longer cool.

*You have friends who have kids.

*Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.

*Your parents' jokes are now funny.

*You once said, "What-chu talkin' 'bout Willis?" or "Know whatta mean, Vern?"

*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's "Thriller."

*You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

*Naps are good.

*You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever."

*When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

*You want clothes for Christmas.

*You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.

*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it's a shot of you from behind.
------------------------------

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.

By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read:

"Thanks, Mom. Keep up the good work!"
----------------------------

I farted on my gold bars, and now...............

...................I'm stinkin' rich.
--------------------------

A young kid is walking home from school when a

car pulls up alongside him...

The driver says "get in the car".

The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"

The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"

The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Kia, YOU deal with it."
-------------------------------

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate.

I was deeply touched.
-------------------------------

What happens when you provoke an angry redhead ?

Ginger Snaps !
-------------------------------

shem
maryjane APR 25, 11:41 AM
Now THOSE are some good ones, many of which I can relate but you have the Chuck Norris thing backwards...Superman was created before Chuck Norris was even born.
cliffw APR 30, 09:35 AM
I went on the newest roller coaster ride.

The operator said the ride would be free for the ones who did not yell. When I got off, he said "congratulations, you did not yell."

I told him I almost did when my wife fell out.
shemdogg MAY 01, 09:03 PM
Glad you like em MJ! They take a fair amount of searching to find. Its a joke forum but practically everything posted is political, even tho theres a forum for that. Its mainly just bickering and name calling but a choice nugget presents itself on occasion. Heres smore

I'm not bald...

I just grew too tall for my hair.
--------------------

When I wear a turtleneck, I look like...........

..........................a roll-on deodorant
----------------------

#1 cause of divorce:

Marriage
--------------------

I'll never forget when I used to come home early

from work and my wife would say those three little special words, "fired again, honey ?"
----------------------

“People say money is not the key to happiness,

but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
--------------------

A New Wine From Walmart...

Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Thought you would like to be first in line to buy some!

"While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go--the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. Grape Expectations

8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

7. NASCARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

5. Peanut Noir

4. Chateau des Moines

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel).
--------------------------

Prison Life vs Full-Time Job...

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we call them managers...
----------------------------

My wife dresses to kill................

......................and cooks the same way.
-----------------------------

I need to pay closer attention.

Just found out my wife and I have different names for the dog.
----------------------------

How do you break up a fight between two blind people?

Yell out "My money is on the one with a knife!"
-----------------------------

Apparently I have an 'outstanding payment'

I don't remember making it but I'm glad they liked it.
-----------------------------

I was thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife.....

.......................but then I thought, she'll probably just think I'm after my money.
----------------------------

My wife just left me because "I'm insecure"

Oh wait..................she's back............................she just went to get a cup of coffee..
-----------------------------

A Canadian and a Scotsman started a new artificial intelligence company.

They call it "Eh?-Aye!"
------------------------------

A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing -- it showed four people on an airplane!

Teacher: "What Bible story is that?"

Kid: "It's the flight to Egypt."

Teacher: "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus ... but who's the fourth person?"

Kid: "Oh, that's Pontius, the Pilot."
-------------------------------

My hamster died from lack of exercise.

I feel responsible...I never gave him the wheel to live.
-------------------------------

Just watched a documentary on the building of the Titanic.

It was riveting.
-------------------------------

When I see names of lovers carved on a tree, I don't think it's cute or romantic.
I think it's odd how many people take knives with them on a date.
--------------------------------

When Little Johnny's english teacher said ,"What tense is the sentence, I am beautiful !"

Johnny jumps up and says,clearly past tense !
------------------------------

When little johnny was in english class, his teacher said, "Today
we're going to learn about punctuation."
Johnny quickly raised his hand and said,"Why are periods so
important ? His teacher replied,"Why do you ask ?" Johnny
said, "When my sister said she missed her period my dad
started to yell and my mom passed out !"
------------------------------

My grandson asked me what it's like to be married.

I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
------------------------------

I never knew what true happiness was until I got married.

But then, it was too late.
------------------------------

New Netflix series: Battle of the Bulge

Starring:
Dylan Mulvaney, Lia Thomas, and Michelle Obama
------------------------------

A ram is on a first date talking

when suddenly he realizes he's been rambling.

Not wanting to be rude, he says to his date....so enough about me, tell me about ewe.
---------------------------

Women's Marriage Seminar...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are hilarious 12 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love... Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
---------------------------------

Guess what I did before I got married ?

Anything I wanted.
--------------------------------

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It's not hard....
--------------------------------

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

--------------------------------

I have a fear of elevators.

That's why I always take steps to avoid them
----------------------------------

I installed Microsoft Word into my self-driving car's computer.

Now it's writing its autobiography
-------------------------------

Fast Food

Whoever put the letter "S" in fast food is a marketing genius.
-------------------------------

I said to my daughter, "the grandkids are spoiled."


She said, "all little kids smell that way."
-----------------------------

I'm on multiple dating sites because............

………..one can never get enough rejection.
------------------------------

My brother used to be my partner in crime.......

..................until we got caught.....................

Then HE did it.
------------------------------

Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..

I spent five hours child-proofing the house.

They still got in.
---------------------------------

shem