The Joke Thread (Page 26/36)
TheDigitalAlchemist JAN 03, 11:47 PM
I recently was forced to quit working on my Fiero…

I was going to flush the brake system.

But I kept trying to drink the brake fluid.

My wife said I’m addicted to the stuff , but I told her

I can stop anytime I want!

[This message has been edited by TheDigitalAlchemist (edited 01-04-2024).]

blackrams JAN 07, 12:20 PM

------------------
Rams
Learning most of life's lessons the hard way. .
You are only young once but, you can be immature indefinitely.

shemdogg JAN 11, 08:49 PM
Matured Pun...

A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan...
----------------------------------

I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I wasn't doing anything. I was just sitting there.
----------------------------

A couple realized their marriage was in deep trouble.

They were constantly at each other's throats and both had secretly had thoughts of divorce.

Then one night over dinner they began to Reminisce about the past when they were happy newlyweds deeply in love and before long they were holding hands across the table, gazing lovingly into each other's eyes and playing footsie under the table. On a mad impulse, they swept the food and dishes to the floor, ripped off their clothes and engaged in a couple of hours of hot, passionate, sweaty sex and from that point on their marriage improved greatly and was for the most part blissful and conflict-free.

But of course they weren't allowed back in Applebee's anymore
-------------------------------

Another American Converts to Islam

It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.
------------------------

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me
when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, No, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."
------------------------------

I like sleeping because it's like being dead

without the commitment.
----------------------------

Remember, before the internet, how everybody thought that the cause of stupidity was limited access to information?
---------------------------

"I'm not saying that your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying that the canary was alive before you showed up."
------------------------

Did you know that there is not one canary in the Canary Islands? Same thing on the Virgin Isles — not one canary.
-------------------------

At the store today there was an X on the floor for me to stand on. I've seen too many RoadRunner cartoons to fall for that crap.
----------------------

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
---------------------------

I went to new, apparently woke, bumper cars last summer.

Cars had to stay 6 feet apart.
------------------------------

What does the Dentist of the Year get?

A little plaque...
--------------------------------

When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter she had written:
P.S. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
------------------------------------

The angle of the dangle

is directly proportional to the heat of the meat.
--------------------------------

I'm hiding from exercise...


I'm in the fitness protection program.
-----------------------------------

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Dewey, I've been telling you for the last half hour... I'll be ready in a minute!"
---------------------------------

There are many businesses that are home to resident cats. One particular bar in our neighborhood has a very well-groomed resident cat who is quite friendly. In fact, the owner has a rule that no customer may order a drink without having the kitty sit in his lap and groom herself for a while. He wants to be sure that all his customers can hold their licker.
----------------------------

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
--------------------------------

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
---------------------------------

A poor young boy from Thailand dreamed about having a Nintendo switch he could never afford so he made his own using cardboard and markers. His father was moved filmed him and posted the video to social media. After going viral it got to the eyes of a Nintendo CEO, who went to Thailand personally and sued the boy for 2.5 million for copyright infringement.
------------------------------------

No Money at College...

A young man away from home and at college was feeling low. He had no money at the present time, so he decided at ask dad for some help. He sent a simple three line six word text to dad. It said,

"No mon.
No fun.
Your son."

A 3 days later he had a response from dad another three line six word text.... it said,

"Too bad.
So sad.
Your dad."
---------------------------------------

When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers.

Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint."
-----------------------------------------

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says: "Fencing."
--------------------------------------

Hillary Clinton has implied that

if she were to be prosecuted she would take half of Washington with her.

I really don't see a problem with this.
--------------------------------------

Learn from your Elders
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
-------------------------------------

Scotland Golf Club sign

Actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland ...

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE! NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF!
----------------------------------

My ex gf was buy sexual.

When you bought her stuff, she became sexual.
-----------------------------------

Kumbaya

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator,

most of them would drown.
------------------------------------

Some people are like birds...


You help them fly and once they're in the air, they **** on you.
-----------------------------------

Starts off great but wanes towards the end, first clip is awesome
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfnMfp8XbOE

Mustang drivers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPx5aBI8UTQ

shem
shemdogg JAN 15, 09:20 AM
Biology Revisited...
- When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

- Thesaurus is an ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

- Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.

- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

- Sterility is hereditary: If your grandfather didn't have children and your father didn't have children, you won't have children too.
-------------------------------

My wife said if I didn't get off the computer,

she would slam my head into the keyboard.
I think I'll just gmbyohkulnmtsfdrehnmpyohk.
-------------------------------

My wife just left me for an Indian guy.

I know he'll treat her well.........................................they worship cows.
--------------------------------

Claim: Marihuana is the gateway to harder drugs

Reality: All I've ever learned is marijuana is a gateway to the refrigerator.
-------------------------------

My wife said I should get in touch with my feminine side.

So I put on her bra and panties and started arguing with her.
---------------------------------

My mistress accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
------------------------------

I'm confused. Our local funeral home just raised the cost of a funeral

- and blamed it on the cost of living
-------------------------------------------------------

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
---------------------------------

Prevagen really helps with your memory,

After you buy it, you'll remember this stuff is way over priced
--------------------------------

Waiter: "How would you like your steak, sir ?"

Me: "Like winning an argument with my wife."
Waiter: "OK, rare it is then."
--------------------------------

I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning.

That can only mean one thing.................................................it's laundry day.
---------------------------------


shem
shemdogg JAN 20, 09:30 PM
Joe Biden Sez ...

Things could be worse, re-elect me and I'll prove it!
---------------------

No u turn.

No, U first.
-----------------------

I lost 20 pounds in the last 3 months, and my

wife commented that I can now fit into stuff from 20 years ago...

"Most of them are married" was apparently NOT where she was going with that statement.....
-----------------------

Looking for work

An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out
of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks."
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another,
and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
An Derlaware doctor, not to be outdone, says. "You guys are way
behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Delaware , put
him in the White House, and now half the country is
looking for work."
------------------------------

Scientists report they have cloned Vocal Chords

in the lab...

When reporters asked... "what do these results mean to the general public...?"

The scientists replied... "We feel like the results, speak for themselves..."
-------------------------------

So.....these murder hornets....how does it work?

Do you send them a list of names, or what?

Asking for a friend
------------------------------

At the Deli Counter...

Recently I had the following encounter in the deli section of a large grocery store:

Me: I'd like a pint of the jello salad, please.

(The kid behind the counter reaches for the cup-sized container.)

Me: Sorry -- pint, not cup.

Kid: Huh?

Me: (pointing) This size.

Kid: Oh. That's a pound.

Me: That depends on what you put in it.

Kid: Huh?

Me: "Pint" is volume, not weight. What that amount weighs depends on what you put in it.

Kid: This is a pound, not a pint.

Me: If you fill it with potato salad it's probably more than a pound; if you fill it with that marshmallow fluff it's a lot less.

Kid: Huh?

Me: Never mind, just give me a pound of jello.

In case you're wondering, my pound of jello weighed about 12 ounces.
-----------------------------

Dilbert's Laws of Work...

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
----------------------

$50 Dollar lesson

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where a homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds; then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

... Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
--------------------------------

What do you get if you divide the circumference

of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.
-----------------------------

If you slice a pie with several parallel cuts

Then cut again at right angles ... up get pi squared
------------------------------

We all need a little cheering up at times ....

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer
guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, no other
word, and no other language, can do it justice. This example is better
than a thousand words...

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and
as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her a quarter, but never
take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One
day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as
usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

Without blinking an eye she said: "They're 35 cents now."


*HAPPY NEW YEAR!*
---------------------------

Reasons You Should Buy a New Car...

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

The 15-minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for three days.

When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

Thieves repeatedly break in to your car just to steal the "Club."

While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

You keep losing dates on left turns.
---------------------------

Senior Cat in the Hat:

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
- Oh my God, what can I do ?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell, I look like hell
- My mood is bad, can you tell ?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The golden years have come at last
The golden years can kiss my ass !!!
--------------------------------

Employee Sport Preferences


After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1 The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3 The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6 The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.
-------------------------------

Air Traffic Control...

A controller working a busy pattern told the 727 downwind to make a 360. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat, the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

-----------

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said, "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

-----------

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

-----------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff ... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
-----------------------------

The most functional word in the English language

**** may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke **** , buy **** , sell **** , lose **** , find **** , forget **** , and tell others to eat **** . Some people know their **** , while others can't tell the difference between **** and Shinola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull **** , Horse **** , and chicken **** . You can throw **** , sling **** , catch **** , shoot the **** , or duck when the **** hits the fan. You can give a **** or serve **** on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep **** or be happier than a pig in **** . Some days are colder than **** , some days are hotter than **** , and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like **** , things can look like **** , and there are times when you feel like **** . You can have too much **** , not enough **** , the right **** , the wrong **** or a lot of weird **** . You can carry **** , have a mountain of **** , or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you fall in a bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your **** , you don't need to know anything else!! You could pass this along, if you give a **** ; or not do so if you don't give a **** ! Well, **** , it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a **** and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of **** . But, if you happened to catch a load of **** from some **** -head...........

Well, **** Happens!!!
--------------------------------

shem
blackrams JAN 22, 09:05 AM

------------------
Rams
Learning most of life's lessons the hard way. .
You are only young once but, you can be immature indefinitely.

shemdogg JAN 25, 10:36 PM
I'm in a Walmart parking lot Watching a woman

Who can't remember where she parked her car.

Every time she holds her remote in the air I honk my horn.
----------------------------

A man checks into a hotel in Belfast while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone box when you're calling for a taxi.

He popped into a phone box in Gt Victoria Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you.... I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to checkout next morning.
----------------------------

Random thoughts as we age...

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is salad!!!

And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?
------------------------

A man wakes up in the morning with a hangover. Going downstairs, he says to his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool of myself at the company party last night. Remind me of what I did." "You got in an argument with your boss" says his wife. "Well, piss on him" says the man. "You did and he fired you" replies his wife. "Well screw him" the man shouts. "I did" says the wife. "You're back to work on Monday."

--------------------------

A Texas college professor travels to...

... Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribe's chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.

One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white child. The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.

The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you are the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, chief, you're mistaken. What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about the white kid."
------------------------------------

Hot young nurse:"Your pulse is a bit fast today"

Me: "That's not my wrist you're holding."
-----------------------------

Dad: "It's time we had a talk about sex."

Son: "What would you like to know ?"
---------------------------------

A guy goes to the supermarket and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello. He's taken aback because he can't place how he knows her. So he asks, "do you know me?" The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." His mind travels back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery? She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "no, I'm your son's math teacher."
---------------------------

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
--------------------------------

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
-------------------------------

I informed my attorney, "I want a stipulation in my will that my wife is to inherit everything, but ONLY if she remarries within six months of my death."

"Why such an odd stipulation?" asked the attorney.

"Because," I said, "I just want to make sure that at least one person is sorry I died."
---------------------------------

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot (tika) on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. , has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he's won a convenience store, a gas station, a 7-11, a taxi cab or a motel in America. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support.
----------------------------------------

I saw this license plate, and it took a minute to figure out that it didn't refer to New York and United Kingdom.

NYUKX3
-----------------------------------

Jane: "I miss England."

Tarzan: "Me have no idea you beauty pageant winner."
---------------------------------

Greek soldier: "What year is it ?"

Soldier #2: "50 B.C."
#1: "What does B.C. stand for ?"
#2: "Before Christ"
#1: "Who is Christ ?"
#2: "I don't have a ****ing clue."
----------------------------------

Confused Greek Mathematician - Bithagorous
---------
Flirty Greek philosopher: Socratease

-----------------------------

I arrived early to the restaurant and the

manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”

I said, “No”.

“Good,” he said. “Take these drinks to table nine.
----------------------------

Roman #1: "Do you know how many women I've slept with ?"
Roman #2: "mmm....................................."
Roman #1: "Oh, no..................not nearly that many"
-----------------------

Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a nice dagger....

.......................is it new ?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
----------------------------

Roman "Can I get XL shirts here ?"

Roman shopkeeper: "Are you sure you want that many ?"
---------------------------

My daughter took a Roman Numeral math test

I hope she gets a C
---------------------------

Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back? < BartFlossum > 2024-01-21 10:07

I for one
----------------------------

The Pope and Biden are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd..

Sleepy Joe and The Pope, however, have seen it all before.

To make it a little more interesting, Biden says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do...

"That was impressive", the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make many people in the crowd, and many around the world, go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Joe seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped him.
-----------------------------

shem
shemdogg FEB 02, 09:12 PM
The doctor told me the best thing I can do is give up, smoking, drinking, wild parties and start eating healthy.
I asked him, "what's the second best thing?"
--------------------

When I was going through airport security the other day and they asked me, "do you have any firearms?"
Apparently, "what do you need?" was not the right answer.
------------------

A senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.

After studying them, the appraiser said, "Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news."

"What's the good news?" the senior asked.

"The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso," replied the appraiser.

"Fantastic! What's the bad news?"

"Well sir, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso was no good with violins."
---------------------

My girlfriend complains a lot that I don’t smile anymore.

Well she’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
---------------------

Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?
----------------------

I received a text from my wife saying she was breaking up with me.

Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted, “Sorry wrong number”.
-------------------

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
----------------------

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2022, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch. Harvard Class of 1969."
---------------------

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology

bugs me in ways I can't put into words.
-------------------

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors
------------------

My Ex called me a sex machine


Well. her exact words were "****ing tool" but I knew what she meant
--------------------

The first time I made love to my girlfriend I said, "am I the first man that ever made love to you?"

She said. "you could be, you do look familiar."
------------------

I always keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me why I have no money in it.
-------------------

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the State of Washington? And,they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 60 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or theft of services?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
--------------------------

The other night I was in a bar with my girlfriend drinking a few beers. I said I love you.

My girlfriend asked, is that you or the beer talking?

I said it's me talking to the beer.
----------------------------

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
----------------------------

Confucius Say

--Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
--Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
--Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing.
--Baseball all wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
--Sex is like Army, the closer to discharge, the better you feel.
--Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
--Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
--Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
--Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
---------------------------


I have been criticized for marrying my wife for the money she inherited from her father.

That's ridiculous - I would have married her no matter who left her the money!
-------------------------

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.

' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about
5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch When he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking And running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit....... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this Story? ...Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery Always overcome youth and arrogance!
---------------------------

PONDERISMS

1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
8· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
9· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..
10· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
11· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
12· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
13· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
14· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
16· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
17· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
18· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
---------------------------

Sayings to make you smile

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6.. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
-----------------------------

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be in trouble with:

the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,

the EPA for killing fig trees,

the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,

the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising
the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,

the NEA for teaching without a certificate,

OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,

the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea, and

the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life.
-----------------------------

The dean and the coach struck a simple deal. Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if and only if he could learn and remember the formula for water before then. The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star and were confident that he'd come through with flying colors.

On the morning of the game, the dean came down to the locker room where the tackle was suiting up.

"Well?" said the dean. "What is the formula for water?"

Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O."
---------------------------

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is
92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager
had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time.. When the teenager had had enough, he
sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke
on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic
style he did not bat an eye in his response......

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if
you were my son.'
-------------------------------

shem
maryjane FEB 03, 11:25 AM
Yesterday was Groundhog Day.

Today.......
OldsFiero FEB 05, 07:04 AM