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| The Joke Thread (Page 25/36) |
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shemdogg
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DEC 10, 09:28 AM
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That newsom one was hilarious good stuff
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A young man, living away from home, writes to his parents...
Dear folks,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your son, Marvin.
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.
A few days later, he received a return letter from his father. It said...
Dear son,
Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came.
Dad
----------------------
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
--------------------------
Wife: "What are you going to do today ?"
Me: "Nothing"
Wife: "You did that yesterday."
Me: "I know, ............I wasn't finished."
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One cell phone to another:
"That's right dear..........................our ancestors had tails."
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The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "Whatever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
------------------------
Fred turns to Pete and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Pete thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Fred goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Fred says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking because you own a weed eater I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Fred shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Pete at the bar.
He tells Pete about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Pete says, "What's that?"
Fred says, "Well, I'll give ya an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're probably gay."
-------------------------
Marriage and Men...
- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face.
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects that prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!
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A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on my secret: Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough of them," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "you're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
-------------------------
A cashew crashed a walnut party.
It was nuts.
-------------------------
OBSERVATIONS
China claims that the coronavirus came from an old bat, but Nancy Pelosi denies being involved.
"Payday" candy bar is changing its name because it's offensive to those who don't work.
If the current power grid can't handle a night of 20 degrees temperatures without rolling blackouts, how are we going to plug in 100 million electric cars at night?
Are there any countries that tax their citizens and send some of it to Americans?
Imagine, if you will, a world where every tweet and meme must be fact-checked but not a ballot.
How to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers from driving. That's exactly how gun control works.
Can we still order black coffee?
Are brownies being taken off the shelf?
Is White Castle changing its name?
I'm sure Cracker Barrel is screwed.
Can we still play Chinese checkers?
Is that season still called Indian summer? No more Italian sausages?
How far do you want to go with this foolishness.
Hell of a job, Democrats! You've managed to bring back the 1929 depression, the 1968 race riots, and the 1973 gas prices - ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
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What does the Canadian guy say after
drinking an IPA?
"I pee, eh?"
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How is bud light the opposite of a clitoris?
The clit only tastes like piss for a second.
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Fridge Too Tall...
Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.
Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.
"You won't believe this," she said, "but there's a guy on the radio with the same problem!"
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NEVER STAND IN LINE AGAIN...
Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others........
When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan was called into the Oval Office by the President, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.
"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied, and he handed Mr. President his resignation.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to pee on my grave."
The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."
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politically correct
A funny for the politically correct sensitive out there:
Since YouTube decided to pull “Baby it’s Cold Outside” from its playlist because someone was offended, I feel that these other holiday songs are also on the chopping block.
How did our generation ever survive?
1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore ****
2. The Christmas Song: Open fire? Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation
3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances
4. White Christmas? Racist
5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker
6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you be of good cheer? Forced to hide depression
7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying
8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: Forced gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols (GUNS!) for Barney and Ben
9. Santa Baby: Gold digger, blackmail
10. Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; not a snow woman
11. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired
12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow
13. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse
14. Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day?
15. Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married…forced partnership
16. I'll Be Home For Christmas: Not if you are homeless. That's just Insensitive
17. Grandma got ran over by a reindeer: Homicide. Extremely violent and promotes alcoholism.
--------------------------
Elevator Incident...
I’ll be out of commission for awhile…
Today I was beaten up by a woman.
I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said,
would you please press 1?
So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.
The doctor estimates the recovery time 4 - 6 weeks.
------------------------------
Long Happy Life...
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never
exercise."
"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
---------------------------
My wife doesn't wear panty hose anymore.
Last time she farted, it blew her slippers off.
-------------------------------
Exhaustipated: Too tired to give a **** .
----------------------------
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2?, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted.
We don’t let just anyone carry our badge, son.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.
“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy.”When can you start?”
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The truth
Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.
It is now believed that Bin Laden called the U.S.Navy Seals himself.
------------------------------
When his son came home at midnight, the electrician said
" Wire you insulate?"
-----------------------------
Wife: "I think you need a hearing test."
Me: "Why would I want a hairy chest ?"
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shem
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cliffw
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DEC 11, 07:58 AM
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There is a new treatment for erectile dysfunction. Available over the counter.
Fix-A-Flat.
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maryjane
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DEC 11, 09:50 PM
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One night, a Viking named Rudolph the Red looked out the window and said
"It's going to rain"
His wife asked "How do you know that sweetie?"
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A sign outside a burger joint for people that learned 'new math'.
Buy 1 burger for the price of 2 and get a 2nd burger free!![This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 12-12-2023).]
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cvxjet
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DEC 11, 10:51 PM
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| quote | Originally posted by cliffw:
There is a new treatment for erectile dysfunction. Available over the counter.
Fix-A-Flat. |
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The thing that always cracks me up is that all the ads for ED medications shows an extremely hot young lady- if you had one of those ladies in bed with you I doubt you'd be suffering from ED...
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blackrams
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DEC 13, 10:15 AM
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How is a dragon supposed to blow out birthday candles?
Rams[This message has been edited by blackrams (edited 12-13-2023).]
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shemdogg
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DEC 19, 11:55 PM
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A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
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When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.
"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "and then press the trigger to release the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
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"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
-------------------------
Keep hearing about the Houthi rebels.
Are they in any way associated with the Blowfish ?
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I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.
"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.
"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?"
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."
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A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
-----------------------------
Why you can not find a good paying job
Dick Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock
(MADE IN JAPAN )
for 6 am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
was perking, he shaved with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer
( made in MALAYSIA ),
John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL ),
poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA
------------------------------------
An easy guide to keeping political news in perspective...
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their
statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave
Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country
and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on
the subway.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but
need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there
is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that
they stand for.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
store.
12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and
need something to wrap it in.
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I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.
My kleptomania is getting really bad.
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What's the difference between an atheist and an Evangelical Christian?
The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
------------------------------
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
----------------------------------
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
-------------------------------
Construction Site Murder...
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claimed that he didn't do anything, but he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation, and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once, but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.
The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
--------------------------------
A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning; he felt that in this suit he could do business.
As he was preening in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets. To his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
The tailor then said, "Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
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A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.
Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.
A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass".
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A guy with a stutter just died in prison,
before he could finish his sentence.
------------------------------
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.
Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.
The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"
------------------------------------
Condom history.
The first type of 'condoms' were invented in Turkey, where they used goat intestines to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
The brits improved this method by removing the intestines from the goat before using them.
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Light Bulb...
Q: How many members of the current President's administration are needed to change a light bulb?
A: Nine
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,
3. One to blame the previous President for burning out the light bulb,
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to a government contractor for the new light bulb,
6. One to arrange a photograph of the current President, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished,
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how the current President was literally in the dark,
8. One to viciously smear #7,
9. And one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how the current President has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.
Of course, the bulb never get changed; this is our deranged Government...
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When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a box of chocolates.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own ****ing business."
-----------------------------------
A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic and dirty, with foul smells, and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff-looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies. "You came here yesterday."
-------------------------------
Investing
f you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you darn proud to be an American!!!
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shem
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shemdogg
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DEC 22, 07:47 PM
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As I was walking out the door, the wife asked...
"How long will you be gone?"
I replied; "the whole time".
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Some people are like slinkies,
not really good for anything
but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
--------------------------
I went to my friend's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top. I asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?"
Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a bare tree."
-------------------------
Every time I see a crackhead on a bicycle...
I yell "THAT'S MY BIKE!" just to see how fast they can pedal.
----------------------
Oxymorons...
Ancient Greek : Oxus = "sharp"
Moros = "dull"
"Oxymoron" = a sharp dullness or a foolish wise.
... a self-contradicting phrase.
_____
He lived his life to the end.
You always find something in the last place you look.
The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once.
Ah well, they say it's not as bad as they say it is.
Black Light
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Left Handed Screwdrivers.
Striped paint.
Pigeon's milk.
Straight hooks.
Cooking glue.
It was as bad as being up a creek in a barbed wire canoe.
... about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
I want my bedroom painted sky-blue pink.
The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, only dreams.
compulsory volunteers
college student
jumbo shrimp
That shoe fits him like a glove.
A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. "Just lost a shoe?" she asked. He answered, "Nope, just found one."
Classified ad: For Sale: Man's suit, perfect fit.
I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.
-------------------------------
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and he went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well. As the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
---------------------------
Point of Service...
At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."
As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."
---------------------------
Wife: "Oh gawd. I'm afraid my mind is gone !"
Me: "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it for the last 30 years."
---------------------------
Faster than a Speeding Nun...
A police officer pulls over a car load of nuns....
Officer: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Officer: "Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit. That's the name of the highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the officer looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Officer: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
-------------------------------------
Teacher ( Miss Johnson ):
"Johnny, your word is urinate. Now first spell the word, then use it in a sentence."
Little Johnny: "Yes Miss Johnson, urinate.................u-r-i-n-a-t-e."
Miss Johnson: "Very good Johnny. Now use it in a sentence."
Johnny ( thinks for a minute ): "Miss Johnson, urinate. If you had any tits you'd be a ten !"
( Little Johnny heads off to the principal's office )
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shem
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shemdogg
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DEC 23, 11:05 AM
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Whoopsie, forgot a few.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
--------------------------
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
----------------------------
Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand...
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
4. What is the difference between electrical engineers and civil engineers?
Electrical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ
8. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
9. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
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shem
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shemdogg
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DEC 29, 05:35 PM
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Just got attacked by 6 dwarves
Not Happy...
---------------------------
Just imagine AOC trying to
figure out how Christmas tree lights plug in end-to-end.
---------------------------
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?
The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year."
-------------------------
These are the results of a "Creative Scientific Theories Contest" sponsored by Omni magazine:
*GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. And when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
*RUNNERS-UP:
# 1 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
#2 Why yawning is contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
#3 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
*HONORABLE MENTIONS:
#1 The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
#2 Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.
------------------------
A guy advertised online for a wife.
He got 200 replies in the first hour.
Most of them said “You can have mine.”
-----------------------
Joe Biden is doing the work of three men.
Larry, Curley and Moe.
--------------------
An elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer. I've got good, hard cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever seen."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be a good singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed the woman murmured, "This bird is a great singer." Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer or a dancer?"
----------------------
A guy stomps into a bar
carrying a loaded gun and an angry scowl on his face.
“I’m looking for the feller who’s been a sleepin’ with mah wife!” he declared.
There was dead silence in the room until finally, a voice from the back of the bar piped up, “You’re gonna need more ammo, chief!”
-------------------------
My wife got me to stop chewing my nails.
She hid my teeth.
------------------------
It took all this time to get my head together.
Now my body is falling apart.
-----------------------
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.
One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.
Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.
----------------------
The state of Wisconsin has gone an entire deer hunting season without someone getting killed. That's great. There were over 600,000 hunters. Allow me to restate that number. Over the last two months, the eighth largest army in the world - more men under arms than Iran ; more than France and Germany combined - deployed to the woods of a single American state to help keep the deer menace at bay.
But that pales in comparison to the 750,000 who are in the woods of Pennsylvania this week. Michigan's 700,000 hunters have now returned home. Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia, and it is literally the case that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world.
America will forever be safe from foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower.
Hunting -- it's not just a way to fill the freezer. It's a matter of national security.
------------------------
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine; I have lost it and need a new one.'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'Is there a 710 on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 is
Scroll down
Picture 710 upside down OIL
------------------------
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel.
She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
------------------------
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather!
"And you think you have family problems!"
------------------------
The supervisor of my work section recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair.
He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," was his answer.
--------------------
Muslim Union cuts benefits for martyrs
BBC News
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
-------------------------
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
------------------------
Circle Flies
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call
me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though..."
--------------------------
Me ( to wife ):"I was unfaithful to you once with a redhead
.................in the men's room of a pool hall in 1971."
Wife: "That was me."
-------------------------
Where is the best place to weigh whales ?
At a whale weigh station.
----------------------
Warning: Never read a pop-up book about giraffes
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Have you noticed "the" and "IRS" combined spells "Theirs."
Someone was explaining electricity, and I was like "Watt?"
Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me, and I was like "What the Hellman?"
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me number.
My friend David had his ID stolen. Now he's just Dav.
I wanted to be a monk, but I never got the chants.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn't set high enough.
Why cant you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable thing to me.
If any of you know how to fix broken hinges, my door is always open.
Whoever invented Knock-knock jokes should get a No-bell prize.
If you meet an alligator in a vest, you could call him an Investigator.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I used to want to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.
If anyone knows a good fish pond, let me minnow.
I had a job crushing aluminum cans. It was soda pressing.
How do you make Holy water? You boil the Hell out of it.
A soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran.
I saw a kidnapping today. I tried not to wake him up,
I wondered why the football was getting bigger, then it hit me.
------------------------
Thanks to whoever told my mother that WTF means
"Wow That's Fantastic"
Her texts are so much more fun now.
----------------------
The 5 Riddles
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away ?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it.. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd.. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.. Try to do so without any coaching!
.
..
..
..
..
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead...That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5.. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph
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shem
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shemdogg
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JAN 03, 08:37 PM
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Here is a test for males………………….!!!
Scroll down
How fast can you guess these words?
1. BOO_S
2. _ _ NDOM
3. P_N_S
4. F_ _ K
5. PU_S_
6. S_X
Scroll down
1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. PANTS
4. FORK
5. PULSE
6. SIX
YOU NEED HELP!
---------------------
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.
She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday, I was in prison for car theft.
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!!!"
--------------------------
Truths for mature humans
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. Bad decisions make good stories.
10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
11. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
12. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
13. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
14. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
15. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
19. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
20. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
-------------------------------
Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s.
One day they are both killed in a tragic accident and go to heaven.
On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. “Gym?” God replies, “you don’t need to go to the gym here, you’ll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise.” The wife says how nice that is, but the husband looks a little bit annoyed.
In the afternoon, they go back to God and ask where they can get high factor sunscreen. “This is heaven, you don’t need it anymore, the sun can’t burn you or give you cancer, enjoy the beaches.” The wife is satisfied, but the husband starts looking genuinely angry.
Later in the evening, they go to God and ask where they can find a health food restaurant for dinner. “We don’t have health food restaurants; you can eat as much as you want of whatever you want and never feel bloated or gain any weight.”
Finally, the husband snaps, and yells at his wife “You see?! You see?! If it wasn’t for your bloody bran muffins, I could’ve been here forty years ago!”
---------------------------
At my age, "getting lucky" means a short wait at
the doctor's office.
-------------------------
I'm so old, there's nothing left to learn the
hard way.
------------------------------
As you grow older, the pickings get slimmer,
but the people don't
---------------------------------
I was watching TV
yesterday and there was a lady listing all sorts of great things to do.
Then my wife pointed out that it was a religious channel and she was listing sins.
-------------------------
Tenjooberrymuds
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits!" -Albert Einstein-
A little something for you linguistic experts!
Tenjooberrymuds
I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds. My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.
Yep, by the time I read this, I was able to understand the 1st line.
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... Don't think so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say.."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you!
--------------------------------
If size doesn't matter,
why aren't there any 3 inch dildos ?
----------------------------
OK, that's it...................................
From Huron out, no more Great Lakes jokes. Almost any other joke would be far Superior.
Also, they're much too Eerie.
---------------------------
Man at bar: "Hi, I'm Bob. I'm 34 and an honest politician."
Woman at bar: "Hi, I'm Vicky. I'm 27, a prostitute and a virgin."
----------------------------
A Strawberry and a Cucumber...
A strawberry and a cucumber grew up in the same garden patch. They were best buds growing up. As they grew older, they decided it was time to branch out, leave home, and see the world. So they hitched a ride on a nearby vegetable cart and took off.
Their first stop was at a local farmer's market. Unfortunately, that's where the trouble started. A big row broke out and they got separated, one of them ending up in a jam and the other in a pickle.
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Kate told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream truck hadn't come along.
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I think my house is haunted...
I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken. A fowl spirit. I'm going to call an eggsorist, to help it cross to the other side...
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Bet you didn't know...........................
Sassy sells seashells by the seashore in the Seychelles.
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Youths seek truths with sex sleuth ruth
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28 Engineering Conversion Factors
You have to admit, some engineers do have a sense of humor...you just have to follow their train of thought! (I know-wrong kind of engineer but hey-I'm trying to build on something here!)
01. - Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
02. - 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
03. - 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
04. - Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
05. - Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
06. - Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
07. - 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
08. - 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
09. - Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. - 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. - Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. - Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. - 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. - 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. - 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. - 365 days = 1 unicycle
17. - 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. - 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. - 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. - 0.101971621 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
21. - 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. - 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. - 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. - 10 rations = 1 declaration
25. - 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
26. - 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. - 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. - 5 nautical miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I. V. League
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shem
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