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| The Joke Thread (Page 24/36) |
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shemdogg
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OCT 26, 09:23 PM
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Two people stole a calendar.
They each got six months.
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Why should you never mention the number 288 ?
It's two gross.
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How do you keep a bagel from getting away ?
Put lox on it.
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Yesterday, I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble
tiles on the road. I said, "What's the word on the street ?"
-----------------------
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me **** .
------------------------------------
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but why do we wake UP in the morning?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. We brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To understand the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in a dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 page -- it can really add UP.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
If it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on, but I'll wrap it UP. For now my time is UP, so ....
Time to shut UP .....!
Don't mess UP. Send this to everyone you look UP in your address book.
-----------------------------
For those who wish to have a glass of wine.. and those who don't...this is something to think about.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we would be consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!
---------------------------
Who am I...
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any
time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct her/him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...then you are probably the family dog!
-------------------------
The Maid's Raise...
A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."
Maria says, "Well Senora, The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "I see."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
She got the raise.
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A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $20.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.
---------------------------
Why Italians can't be paramedics...
Vinnie and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinnie whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence and then a shot is heard.
Vinnie's voice comes back on the line,
'Okay... now what?'
-------------------------------
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of
them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the ****
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ass hole and a briefcase.
------------------------------------------
Why were two piece swimsuits invented ?
To separate the hairy from the dairy !
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After more than 20 years of marriage...
...a couple was lying in bed one evening when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time; it almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down her back towards her shoulder blades.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, then slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on the other side of her body, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Darling, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
He said, "I found the remote."
----------------------------
Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
-------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair
for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with
a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
------------------------------
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
---------------------------
shem
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maryjane
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OCT 27, 01:54 AM
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Funny stuff shem. Some of the last ones hit home.
For some of the young folks here, this might fit too.
Your grandma wore short mini skirts, thin panties and no bra.
She drank tequila by the shot. Or Jack Daniels straight up.
She listened to Steppenwolf, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin.
She drove fast cars and rode motorcycles..with no helmet.
She smoked tobacco, and other stuff.
She came home at 4am and was out and on her way to work at 7am.
Know, that You'll never be as cool as your grandma.
Sorry, but somebody had to say it.
(Come to think of it, I'm 'grandma's age)
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blackrams
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OCT 29, 08:27 AM
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We must all do our bit for the planet. You know, all the little things, turning off lights, resetting the thermostat and unplugging items when not in use. I'm trying to do my part. I just unplugged a row of electric cars that no one was using. ------------------
Rams
Learning most of life's lessons the hard way. . 
You are only young once but, you can be immature indefinitely.
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shemdogg
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NOV 01, 05:52 PM
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Glad some of yall are enjoying em
heres smore
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Having a Bad Day?
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These ..
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even though it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better?
------------------------------
The Blind Bunny...
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'
------------------------------
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them.
You're bigger than that.
--------------------------------
There's a coin shortage in America..............
We're running out of common cents.
-------------------------------
I'd tell an autumn joke......................
......................but you probably wouldn't fall for it.
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COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE...
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over, women like that are hard to find."
-----------------------------------
Medicare is a Good Thing...
A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a Sex Therapist's office
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, '
There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything , she's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house '
The Holiday Inn charges $98, The Hilton charges $139, we do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare..."
-----------------------------------
The California school system
1. Teaching Math in 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math in 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math in 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math in 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math in 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic
for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There
are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math in 2000s
If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of
race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background,
then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.
There are no wrong answers.
7. Teaching Math in 2020
Unhachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la produccioneses 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
---------------------------
confessional Box ...
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied: “Get out ... You're on my side."
----------------------------
My friend just moved to Sweden.
So now he's an artificial Swedener.
-does he drive a fiord ?
-------------------------
I quit my personal trainer job.
I gave them my too weak notice.
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I once fell in love while doing a backflip.
I was heels overhead.
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My favorite word is "drool."
It rolls right off the tongue.
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So I was sitting in traffic the other day.......
That's probably why I got run over.
-------------------------------
I was learning to drive school bus when
I saw my ex crossing the road up ahead. I needed the job to pay her alimony but..............
what a dilemma
---------------------------------
I just arrived to see a therapist........
about my premature ejaculation problem.
I wasn't sure what to wear, so I just came in my pants.
----------------------------------
Help those in distress
While strolling around the Marina this morning about 7 am., I noticed a character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels," and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires one to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 11 a.m., the man drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
-----------------------------------
The Red Light
I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped to the hood of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.
-------------------------------
Contemporary Philosophers
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had
the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them
we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.
Dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them
for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the
strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out
the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new
wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for,
I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture
naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the
airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
--------------------------------------
light sleeper
If a light sleeper sleep lighter with a light on ,
does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?
---------------------------
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy
and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and Becoming More Successful'.
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
-----------------------------
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?"
"That one was a DEMOCRAT ", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
-----------------------------
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife, who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?
--------------------------------
Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.
-----------------------------
Proper Job Placement...
Methods from Human Resources...
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the
Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,
put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,
put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them
in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and
they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved,
put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in
Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in
Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick
has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top
Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks
in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from,
put them in Congress.
------------------------------
This just in
Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in his films.
But only for the crying parts
-------------------------------
Human Body Statistics...
Food takes 7 seconds to travel from mouth to stomach
A human hair can support a 6 pound weight
A man's penis is on average 3 times the size of his thumb
The hip bone is denser than cement
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's
Women blink two times as often as men
The human body uses 300 muscles just to maintain equilibrium while
standing
If your saliva can't dissolve food, you can't taste it
Human skin is twice as dense as brain tissue
Women reading this message finished reading it before the men
The men are still measuring their thumb
----------------------------
Economic Notice...
Due to recent budget cuts, the cost of electricity, current prices of gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy... The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
---------------------------
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little **** .
---------------------------
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch,
and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had
just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he
should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting
at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick
it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
-------------------------
Wisdom Of A Retiree...
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!
------------------------------
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of **** , it takes all morning."
---------------------------------
...back in 1850?
Do you know what happened this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.
--------------------------------
Random Thoughts As We Age...
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
--------------------------
50 Grayish Shades
Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . .
She shouted . . . . :
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .
You do it . . . . !!"
---------------------------------
I've been in love with the same woman for 25 years.
Sure as hell hope my wife doesn't find out.
------------------------------------
A Touching Story... < Barack--Obama > 2023-10-31 10:15
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.
The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
- - - -
Dear Kean Elementary,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to go **** herself.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes Baker
------------------------------------
To the Guy Who Mugged Me... (CL ad)
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
- Alex
---------------------------
shem
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shemdogg
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NOV 08, 09:13 AM
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I may be old fashioned but I prefer the old days
When the president and the village idiot were two different people.
-----------------
WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tires ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless
Everything is becoming LESS but still our hopes are ~ Endless.
In fact we are ~ Speechless
And our Elected Politicians ~ CLUELESS!
------------------------
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
---------------------------------
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.
'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history,
the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.
'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English
they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
--------------------------------
How fights start...
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
*****************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'Wow!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
*****************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started...
-------------------------------------
They say that during sex you burn off
as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?
-------------------------------------
Israel’s new ‘Cutting Edge’ Airport Security
TEL AVIV, Israel —
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!” BRILLIANT.
---------------------------------
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled.
A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "_____ You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
------------------------------------
The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER...
This one is a little different ...
Two different versions, two different lessons ...
- - - -
OLD VERSION...
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!
- - - -
MODERN VERSION...
The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'
ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome."
Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.
President condemns the ant and blames Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.
The House and Senate exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2024!
I've sent this to you because I know that you are an ant, not a grasshopper!
Make sure that you pass this on to other ants.
Don't bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn't understand it, anyway.
----------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...
"Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "NO!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing, hunting, played golf and dated women half his age. He drank beer and scotch, had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End!
----------------------------------------
You may be a TALIBAN if...
1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
----------------------------------
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell
phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried..
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
-----------------------------------
Two elderly women were out driving
in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
-----------------------------------------
Medical School Exam
When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam.
The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human
body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled “SPINE” became doctors. The rest I’m told are all in Congress.
---------------------------------
Awesome Senior Moment...
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an anti-war protester in a Metro station in DC.
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one."
"The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?"
The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
~God Bless America ~
--------------------------------
A SAD PASSING...
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone who kneads a lift.
------------------------------
shem
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blackrams
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NOV 19, 12:30 PM
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The Genius of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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shemdogg
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NOV 28, 12:10 AM
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One sunny day in January, 2023, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same
Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and again just walked away.
The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.
--------------
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss
on the aviation frequencies.
So, this was his first time approaching a field during the
nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied,
"Guess where?"
--------------------
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.
I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
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When I was 15, I hoped I would have a girlfriend with big t@ts.
When I was 18, I got a girlfriend with big t@ts, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
Then I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big t@ts.
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A Muslim ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met a U.S. General.
They shook hands.
As they walked the Muslim said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Muslim said quietly, "My son watches reruns of this show called Star Trek on television. In it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is
Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese.. but there are no Muslims.
"My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General smiled and said, "That's because it takes place in the future."
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I bought lettuce from a Mama and Papa store
and guess what?
All the leaves are brown.
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MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS...
...TERRORISTS (domestic or foreign) TO SPEAK TO GOD!
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.
-------------------
The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!
I guess it was because of my response to the question : "List all dependents?"
I replied -
"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crackheads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico ; and
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
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A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
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One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground , he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther!
I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther,
"That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being tricked, and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back, figures out what happened, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that &%$#! squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience
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Car's suspension
I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath.
Either way when I ran over that pedestrian, I didn't feel a thing.
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut ..
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
-----------
I think think my best friend is having an affair with my wife.
He's been miserable lately.
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You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2.. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
----------------
CEO of Ikea was just elected President of Sweden
I hear he is still assembling his cabinet
------------
Conversion Factors...
Just in case some of you have gotten a little rusty on your conversion tables...
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365 bicycles = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacards
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
21. 1000 cc's of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = One I.V. League
----------------
Three friends die in a car accident, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of children.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say……"LOOK, HE’S MOVING."
----------
I Voted Democrat Because...
I voted Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whoever I want. I decided to marry my horse.
I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 18% isn't.
I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
I voted Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.
I voted Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing, because they now think we're good people.
I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.
I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my ass that it is unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.
By the way, a Liberal is a person who will give away everything they don't own.
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2am. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
--------------
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got
a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in
the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
-----------------
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a
building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,
"Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this
building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos
again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump
off, too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I
get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned
beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican
opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too. The redneck
opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death
also.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said,
"If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and
cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given
him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos
so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunch!"
-----------------
"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous
by letting the Government take care of him,
should take a closer look at the American Indian."
- Anonymous
------------------
I asked a pretty, young, Homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
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An Army friend just started his own business in the Middle East.
He's making landmines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
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shem
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shemdogg
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DEC 03, 09:41 AM
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Things You Never Say to a Cop...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with
me! Good job!
5. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
6. I pay your salary!
7. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave
me a warning, too!
9. So, do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of
us does.
-----------------------
My wife left me
I accidently took a dose of Ex-Lax instead of my anti-depressant.
I feel so empty inside
-
I took Ex-lax WITH my anti-depressant.
I **** my pants and I don't even care !
--------------------------
After fifty years of wondering why he didn't look like his
younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve
to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were, son," his mother said as she started to cry
softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."
----------------------------
The Spice Girls reunion tour
(with special guests Salt-N-Pepa) was just announced.
It will be called the Allspice Seasonal Tour, presented by Old Spice
-------------------------
Lemonade Anyone?
My eight year old daughter was reading the back of a lemon juice bottle while we were eating our dinner. Noting that the bottle said that it was "not made from concentrate" she asked me what that meant.
I told her that it was made from distracted lemons.
While my wife was shaking her head in disbelief, my daughter, in a thoughtful tone, said, "That must be why they got caught."
----------------------------
Where's My Smith And Wesson...
You may have heard on the news about a southern California
man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was
found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough
estimate) 1-million rounds of ammunition stored in his home.
The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow!
He has about a million machine gun bullets." The headline
referred to it as a "massive weapons cache."
By southern California standards someone even owning 100,000
rounds would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if
he lived elsewhere:
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but
they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that
he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
And, in Texas, he'd be called "a deer hunting buddy."
---------------------------
The Flight Attendant...
A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading her Bible.
Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The man said "I cannot sit here next to this infidel." The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat."
After checking, she returned and stated "There are no more seats in economy, but I will check with my Cabin Manager and see if there is something in first class."
About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "Unfortunately she has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one available seat in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be incorrect of us to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, my Manager has agreed to make the switch to first class."
Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said, "Therefore madam, if you would kindly gather your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as we do not want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."
Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing ovation.
-----------------------
Warning...
A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated
on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way: If anything
happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
---------------------------
A old snake goes to see his doctor. "Doc, I need something
for my eyes. Can't see well these days." The doc fixes him
up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two
weeks.
The snake comes back two weeks later and tells the doctor
he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem -- didn't the glasses help
you?"
"The glasses are fine, Doc. I just discovered I've been
living with a water hose the past two years!"
--------------------
I was walking into Walmart yesterday and the
Salvation Army guy with the kettle looked at me and said Ho Ho Ho.....
I looked back at him and say "Come now.. there is no need to bring my XWife into this"... and put a buck in his kettle....
True story by the way.....
---------------------------
I'm considering moving to Mongolia..............
.....................even though it has its pros and Khans.
---------------------------
Lion's favorite state:
Maine
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Where did french fries originate from ?
Greece
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Does an apple a day keep the doctor away ?
If your aim is good.
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shem
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blackrams
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DEC 03, 07:50 PM
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Personally, I thought this was pretty funny:
 ------------------
Rams
Learning most of life's lessons the hard way. .
You are only young once but, you can be immature indefinitely.
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blackrams
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DEC 09, 08:35 AM
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Operator...911, what's your emergency?
Caller...Two girls are fighting over me.
Operator...well, what's the problem?
Caller...the ugly one is winning!!------------------
Rams
Learning most of life's lessons the hard way. .
You are only young once but, you can be immature indefinitely.
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