The Joke Thread (Page 23/36)
cvxjet OCT 04, 12:21 PM
What does a TORNADO and a Redneck divorce have in common? >>> Someone is going to lose a Trailer!

And I saved this pic/poster because the car seems familiar.......

[This message has been edited by cvxjet (edited 10-04-2023).]

maryjane OCT 04, 12:25 PM
now that is amusing and Fierocentric! (but looks more like a dishwasher to me)

[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 10-04-2023).]

cvxjet OCT 04, 07:16 PM
Just an interesting addendum; I have owned my 85 SE V6 since May 1985...I used it for 14 years as a camping vehicle, hitting all the NPs west of the Rockies....I have also used it to pick up stuff from HD, OSH and a couple of Lumber yards....I have carried six-foot long fence boards, etc in the Fiero....If a guy (usually in a pickup) is next to me as I am loading the Fiero I will say something to the effect of "This is my utility vehicle!- I can carry almost anything in it..."
gregr75 OCT 06, 08:35 PM
I recenty started a band called 999 meg. we still havent gotten a gig yet.

[This message has been edited by gregr75 (edited 10-06-2023).]

shemdogg OCT 07, 09:44 AM
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the young boy. Smiling sweetly, Mrs. Smith said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces at others, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
------------------------

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with
seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds
started building nests in the boards of the porch, above the table,
and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on
the deck, the chairs, the table...everywhere. Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I
had fed them out of my own pocket. And other birds were boisterous and
loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of
the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I
took down the bird feeder and within three days the birds were gone. I
cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all
over the porch. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be... quiet,
serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's
see... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free
medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an
automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.
Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services, small apartments
are housing 5 families, you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an
emergency room doctor, your child's 2nd grade class is behind other
schools because over half the class doesn't speak English, Corn Flakes
now come in a bilingual box, I have to press 'one' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory'
are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and
free liberties. Maybe it's time for the government to take down the
bird feeder.
---------------------------


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
-----------------------------

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

*Friendship among Women:*

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

*Friendship among Men:*

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he
was still there.
---------------------------------

My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life. He was right.
Yesterday I jogged for two miles, and today I feel ten years older.
--------------------------

My place of work wants to know who to notify in case of emergency.
I said, "A very good doctor."
----------------------------

That's not my job

That’s Not My Job! This is a story about four people named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do

it. Anybody could have done it, but nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because

it was everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it But Nobody realized that

Everybody would not do it. It ended that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did

what Anybody could have done.Who are you? Everybody? Somebody? Anybody? Or

Nobody?
-----------------------------

I've been engaged to be married 5 times, but never made it to the altar..

That's a lot of near Mrs.
----------------------------

Provincial Wage & Hours Department

A man owned a small farm in Saskatchewan.The Saskatchewan
Provincial Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,'
demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been
with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per
week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per
week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Rye Whiskey
every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to .. the half-wit,' says the
agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
--------------------------

shem
shemdogg OCT 17, 10:10 AM
The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost.

Maybe I'm not such a great trail-guide after all.
-----------------------------

A couple of weeks ago the only thing the news reporters could say was "Ukraine!"
Now all they say is "Israel!"

Did the war in Ukraine end??
--------------------------

I just told one more chemistry joke.

I got no reaction, and now all my friends argon.
---------------------------

THE Italian Cow

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow so that they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."
---------------------------------

The pessimist, optimist & realist

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees an oncoming train coming through the tunnel.

The engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks at the end of the tunnel even though he's blowing his horn like crazy.
---------------------------------

There are still good people in this world.

I just saw an elderly man help a young man who was staring into his phone, across the street.
--------------------------------

I saw a woman at walmart with March madness teeth.
Down to her final four !
-------------------------------

The Zamboni driver at our local ice arena

is missing. They hope he resurfaces soon.
---------------------------------

What did the pee wee hockey team get for winning the championship ?
The Stanley Cupcakes
-----------------------------------

My son had a run in with his teacher

Some people can't handle the truth. Here is his story...

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried Chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked what my favorite LIVE animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but the teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired the most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the heck I am now...
--------------------------------

What do you call twin squids ?

Itentacle
-----------------------------------

What kind of phones do squids use ?

Cephalopods
--------------------------------

The 38 Revolver

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!"
------------------------------------

A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game. "But why?" asks his wife.

"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it". The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."

He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?" His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly." The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?" to which he responds, "I don't remember."
--------------------------------

political correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as

'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'
-------------------------------

shem
maryjane OCT 19, 12:58 PM

I got an email that taught me to read maps backwards.

It was spam.
shemdogg OCT 23, 04:26 PM
Why do females make the best archeologists ?

They love digging everything up from the past !
-------------------------

Bubba bought a high priced guard dog.

He spent the last three days trying to reenter his house !
---------------------------

Steve Wright-isms...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
----------------------------

I told my son, "You...

...will marry the girl I choose."

He said, "NO!"

I told him, "She is Bill Gates' daughter."

He said, "OK."

I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates said, "NO."

I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of World Bank."

Bill Gates said, "OK."

I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, "No."

I told him, "My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law."

He said, "OK."

*******************************************

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly how politics works.
---------------------------------

A cop stops a biker on a Harley...

...for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," replies the biker.

"Fred what?" asks the officer.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses the biker for his last name.

The biker tells him, "I used to have a last name but I lost it."

The officer thinks that he might have a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college for pre-med. I went through medical school, an internship, a residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school and become a dentist. I got all the way through dental school and earned my degree. So then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.

"Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

"Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears.
-------------------------------

shem
shemdogg OCT 24, 10:13 PM
The Priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!”
The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.
Still, the man said nothing.

The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know for sure where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anyone...”
--------------------------

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the heck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
---------------------------------

A husband sits by the bedside of his dying wife.
In a tired voice she says, "Before I die there is something I must confess."
"Shhh," the husband says, "there is no need to confess anything."
"No, I insist," she says. "I must die in peace."
She looks at him her eyelids heavy and says, "I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and the gardener."
"I know," the husband whispered. "That's why I poisoned you."
-----------------------------

Q: Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

A: Because she smells like a new truck!
---------------------------

Male Logic

Critical Thinking
At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No.

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
-------------------------------

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does...”
---------------------------

You know you drink too much coffee when

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you !
--------------------------

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous woman about the same age.

The circus owner tells them: I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life,” He then turns to the young man and asks, “can you top that?”


The young man replies. “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”
-------------------------------

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."
------------------------------

Stress Management

Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
------------------------------

Not really a "joke", but since this has been

going on for many, many decades.......

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!


Tax truth...

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his a**

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin ,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
Upon his tomb,
" Taxes drove me to my doom..."

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge T! ax
Telephone Recurring! and Non -recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax


STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed ~100 years ago, (pre-WWI, BTW)

And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.


And I still have to "press 1"
For English.
----------------------------------

We're Off To See The Wizard!

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado....and off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City ...
...and went to find the Great Wizard

"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz? "

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:
"I've come for some courage."
" No Problem!" said the Wizard. "Who is next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward and said:
"Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done!" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped George W.Bush and said,
"The American people say that I need a brain."
"No problem," said the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Joe Biden is standing there, looking around, not saying a word.

The irritated wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do you want?"

"Where's Dorothy?"
---------------------------------

shem
cliffw OCT 25, 09:56 AM
Senior Texting


I don't understand the kids lingo so I made my own.

BFF .............................. Best Friends Funeral
BTW .............................Bring The Wheelchair
TTYL ........................... Talk To You Louder
BYOT ........................... Bring Your Own Teeth
LMDO ........................... Laughing My Dentures Out
FWIW ........................... Forgot Where I Was
IMHOA ........................... Is My Hearing Aid On
ROFLACGU .................. Rolling On The Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up
WTF ............................... Wow That's Fantastic
ATT ................................. Arthritis Terrible Today
GGPBL ........................... Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
FYI .................................. Found Your Insulin
LOL ................................ Living On Lipitor