The Joke Thread (Page 22/36)
Jake_Dragon SEP 18, 03:08 PM
Click to show
rinselberg SEP 18, 03:59 PM
That was a good one, from Jake. But his format needs a little work.

SET UP

PUNCHLINE


I think I would call that a crudités—remembering the unsuccessful candidate for one of Pennsylvania's two seats in the U.S. Senate, Mehmet Oz.

But that's just me doing me.

[This message has been edited by rinselberg (edited 09-18-2023).]

Jake_Dragon SEP 18, 06:36 PM

quote
Originally posted by rinselberg:

But his format needs a little work.



Nope it was right on target.

Click to show
shemdogg SEP 19, 09:33 PM
My wife asked me if I was having sex behind her back.
I said, "Of course...............who do you think it was ?"
----------------------

Hair on the top, hair on the bottom, in the middle a wet slit. What am I ?
..................................................................................an eye.
-----------------------

A salesman was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead

of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The salesman made a

beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to

see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest

kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The salesman was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM,

withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's

blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern,

the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the

forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.


He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went

to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting Him, he demanded:,


'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won.

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile.

Now thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!'

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,

You can't tell the difference between a ‘simple blessing’ and ‘last rites’.
-------------------------

We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny! From the diary of a Preschool Teacher


My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"


I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"


"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"


And so it does...

(scroll on down)

|

" A f r i c a n Elephant "


Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
-----------------------------

A young woman is visiting her husband parents one summer afternoon. After dinner and a long conversation, his mom asks the girl, "So, based on what's in your account right now, how many kids can y'all afford?"

The young woman quickly answers, "At this point, I can only afford to swallow them."
--------------------------

Betty, at 83 years of age, says to her 85 year old husband, "George, have you noticed that new couple who moved in across the street a few weeks ago? Every morning he gives her a real nice kiss on his way out to work. How come you never do that?"

"Well," says George, "For one thing, I don't go to work. For another thing, I don't even know the woman."
-----------------------

What was Ted Bundy's last job in prison ?

Conductor !
---------------------

What goes on pages 4+5 of aTesla owners manual ?

The train and bus schedules !
-----------------------

My real ladder left when I was only 5 Y.O...

...Now I have a step-ladder
-------------------

Two Irishmen are having a drink in a pub across

from a brothel. They see a Baptist minister walk into the brothel
and one says," Tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin" bad !"
Later they witness a Rabbi entering the brothel then one says,
"Aye it's a shame to see the Jews falling victim to temptation !
And just before they leave the pub they see a Catholic priest enter
the brothel, and they both say," It's a pity, one of the girls is quite ill !"
----------------------------

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "Wow", the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"

"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "Then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Terry and the girls are all named Teri."

In disbelief, the caseworker says, "Are you serious? They're all named Terry?"

Theur momma replied, "Well, yes it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, "Terry!" an' when it's time for dinner, I just yell "Terry!" and they all come a running. If I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell "Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry."

The social worker thinks this over a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."
----------------------

If you want me to scale back on the fish puns...
Just let minnow.
--------------------

My cat suddenly got very ill, so I immediately

called the purramedic.
-------------------

A woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.

She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, do you wanna screw for that hinge?"

And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."
----------------------

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's

6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland

Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at

Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which

number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat

Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high

blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National! Health Care

provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure

you'll like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your

local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,

sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.

Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver

gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's

overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.

How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45

minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while

you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be

a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your

car got repoed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd

be using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a

July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of

Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us

from offering free soda to diabetics
--------------------------------

It's astounding how many pickup truck drivers
have a homosexual attraction to the president!

Seems like everywhere you look there's one with a bumper sticker saying that they want to **** Joe Biden!
---------------------------

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon little Johnny trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said little Johnny.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

Little Johnny said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and tried to start it. He pulled and pulled on the rope until he was dripping with sweat but the mower refuses to start.

The preacher called little Johnny over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

Little Johnny said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a man of the church and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

Little Johnny looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
--------------------------

What's the difference between the Cincinnati Bengals and a dollar bill ?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
---------------------

Where do NFL players go to get new uniforms ?
New Jersey
--------------------

Which state are the Tampa Bay Buccaneers moving to next year ?
Arrrrrkansas
---------------------

Which football player wears the biggest helmet ?

The one with the biggest head.
--------------------

shem
shemdogg SEP 22, 03:03 PM
Ya know those things they put in 'squeaky' toys to make 'em squeak

Yeah... they should put those in breast implants.
-----------------------

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masterbate, she:

A) Has intimacy issues

B) Is frigid

C) Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus
---------------------------

Technically speaking...

...all the money you have ever spent on the food you've eaten has been flushed down the toilet.
-
Technically, no

Try eating raw oysters...on a boat...on a windy day. You can give back to the sea that gave you so much.
-------------------------

A woman goes to the doctor and says

"Doctor I want to have a baby but my husband is adamant that he doesn't want any children. What can I do?"

The doctor tells her that the next time she goes to have sex with her husband, take a sewing needle and poke holes in the tip of the condom.

A few days later the woman goes back to the doctor and says, "Doctor it didn't work, after I poked holes in the condom my husband didn't want to have sex anymore.

The doctor says, "Yes I just saw him earlier. Next time do it before you put the condom on him."
--------------------

I refuse to go to the gym.

It's a form of resistance training.
------------------

It took me forever to find my TV controller.

It was in a remote location again.
--------------------

Years ago, I told my mother I was born again.
She said she didn't feel a thing.
-------------------

A wife asks her husband,
“How would you describe me?”
He replies, “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

The confused wife asks, “What does that mean?”
Her husband replies, “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

The wife says, “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
“I’m just kidding!”
----------------------

My son asked me today, “Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?”

I said, “I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most beautiful blonde I’d ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her.”

He asked, “So what happened?”

I said, “Nothing. Unfortunately, the arrow missed and hit your mother.”
-----------------------


Pregnancy Q&A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he graduates high school.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what is your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. It's she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from giving birth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change your baby's diaper right away.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: HaHa. HaHaHa! HaHaHaHaHa!! HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!
---------------------

If I go to an animal shelter to get a pet I am a hero.

But if I go to a woman's shelter to get a girlfriend I am suddenly a bad person?
--------------------

I don't care...

...how nice the hand soap smells, you should never come out of the restroom smelling your fingers.
----------------------

Did you hear of the first female referee in the NFL ? She threw a flag for something that
happened LAST season !
----------------------

A friend was in a horrible car accident

He lost his whole left side.

He's all right now.
---------------------

I just did my part for the environment.

I unplugged 5 cars nobody was using !
-------------------

How does The Rock pee ?
He dwaynes his johnson !
---------------------

The Pillsbury doughboy just died. His funeral
will be at 350, and take 15-18 mins.
-------------------

Why are books about helium so good?

You just can't put 'em down
---------------------

I'll be naming...

...my next daughter 'Pregnant,' so when a boy meets her:

boy: Hi, my name's Stanley.

her: Hi! I'm Pregnant; is nice to meet you.
---------------------

a UFO lands on the lawn in front of the White House...
secret service tries arrest them
ICE tries to deport them
Congress imposes a parking fee and estabishes a committee to discover why they came here...
----------------------

Monica Lewinsky's new book title

A TASTE FOR POWER !
-----------------------

Monica's favorite bird?

I don't know, but it isn't the swallow.
-------------------

What do you call a wandering caveman ? < Fishslayer20 > 2023-09-20 12:09

MEANDERTHAL !
--------------------

What's every blonds ambition ?

Be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet !
-----------------------

Me: "I'm sure glad the doctor said I could
masturbate as much as I want."
Wife: "That's not what he said. He said you could have a stroke at any time."
-----------------------

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet ?

He was looking for Pooh.
------------------------

I once dipped my testicles in glitter.

Pretty nuts, huh ?
---------------------

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

Unfortunately, many soles were lost.
--------------------

The hairdresser

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the

size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new

planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if

I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

He said: "Who ruined your hair?"
----------------------------

"Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.

She replied, "Wear your own, then."
------------------

Little Linda crawls up...

...on her daddy's lap and asks, "Daddy, why do people hang horses?"

"Nobody hangs horses, darling," he consoles her. "Who told you that people hang horses?"

"I just heard Mommy on the phone saying that her new boss is hung like a horse."
------------------------

I ducked into a burger joint for a snack, and..

the kid at the table next to me threw his fries on the floor.
His hot mom started spanking him for doing it.
Well you just dontt see that kind of discipline very much these days... so I threw my fries on the floor too.
----------------------

Clean coal is like a porous condom !

At least the intention was good !
----------------------

Michael Vick said," Someone told me there is

caffeine in chocolate, so why is my dog still asleep !
--------------------

shem
maryjane SEP 25, 02:20 PM
Don't blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway.
It's your own asphalt.
shemdogg SEP 26, 10:50 PM
"Welcome to heaven,"

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says Saint Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......Today you voted."
---------------------------

DEBT CEILING FOR DUMMIES!!!!

This is a simple but effective way to explain to the illiterate the issue of the day !!!

THE DEBT CEILING
Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
Many Republicans don't understand the DEBT CEILING
NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING SO
Allow me to explain... Let's say you come home from work and find there has
been a sewer backup in your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way
up to your ceiling.
What do you think you should do? Raise the ceiling or pump out the poop?
Your choice is coming in November. Don't miss the opportunity!
----------------------------

It has been said that politics is the second...
oldest profession. I have learned that it
bears a striking resemblance to the first.
-----------------------------

How do you breakup a bingo game in North Korea ?
YELL B-52 !!!
-------------------------------

Turning plants into burgers ?

Having Cows been doing this forever ?
-----------------------------

If I hit the Big One; none of my neighbors will be poor!

I'll be moving to a much better neighborhood.
--------------------------

The scale

A wife buys her redneck husband a scale to help him with his new diet.

A week later the redneck says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out 'cause of my new diet!"

His wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?"

And the redneck says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way too..."
--------------------------

My sex life the last three or four years has been like Covid.
It seems like everyone but me is getting it.
------------------------

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”

The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.”

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father’s opinion, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?”

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
-------------------------

This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn’t feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450-yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said, “What’d you do that for?” God smiled and said, “Who’s he going to tell?”
------------------------

I sea where this is going


As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new friggin boat.”
-------------------------

There's nothing like waking up to sex in the morning.

Unless you're in prison.
-----------------------

If you ever...

...fall down in public, pick yourself up and say, "Sorry, it's been a while since I inhabited a body."

Then just walk away.
--------------------------

Jenny and...

...her husband of nine years were out in the hills of eastern Tennessee having a romantic picnic when she asked, "Darling, if the world was to end in ten minutes, what would you do?"

Without hesitation Billy answered, "I would have passionate, mad sex with you."

To which Jenny inquired, "And what would you do with the remaining eight minutes?"
---------------------------

I spent...

...last night defrosting the fridge.
Or foreplay, as she likes to call it.
---------------------

Birth control for men

So there is a new birth control pill for men- you put it in your shoe and it makes you limp...
----------------------

Green, green, pink, yellow

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
You have passed all the tests, except one.
It is a simple test of your English language skills
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
You must make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
---------------------------

Little John the Baptist
Matt..18:4-5
"Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!


Have a great day! Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death

-------------------

shem
maryjane SEP 28, 10:27 AM
Huge fan of the Stones.
Can't believe they've been together all these years.
Fred and Barney are a hoot!.
shemdogg OCT 04, 08:57 AM
'You might be a redneck if...'

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your granny has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it up state.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is WalMart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does

$100,000 worth of improvements and you get to tell the news people how 'It sounded just like a train!' 7 times.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. And sometimes when you USE the toilet brush to scratch your back it gets tangled in your back hair.

30. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

31. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
-------------------------------

After my wedding...............

Me: "Didn't she look radiant as she swept down the aisle ?"
Best man: "You can bet that's the last time she'll be sweeping."
----------------------------

I wasn't a good-looking baby................

My mother got morning sickness immediately AFTER I was born.
-----------------------------

How engineers differ from other professions

engineers see the world as right or wrong .... black and white
The liberal arts major sees the gray in living, concede your position to get along
The medical major sees the cause of things, if he can't heal it, give it a new name
The law major sees the what ifs in living, always looking for an escape clause.
The political major sees a world where if the facts don't fit, just lie
-----------------------------------

Definition of a Socialist...

Someone who wants everything except your job.
-------------------------------


Department of Water

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch
and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect
your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there.

The Water representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am
allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions
asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep
running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is
gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down
his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

Your card! Show him your card!
------------------------------------

I asked Siri why I was still single.

She turned on the front camera...
-----------------------------------


A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: “Thank you, honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says: “A Spanish girl!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
“So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – a Spanish girl!!”
“Oh, that,” she said, “Well, I did what I could; now we’ll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a boy or a girl!”
------------------------------

I stand corrected

because I'm wearing orthopedic shoes.
----------------------------

If your wife is knocking at the front door and
your dog is barking at the back door, who do you
let in first ?
The dog, at least he'll shut up !
-----------------------------

If your wife asks, " Honey, have you seen the broom ? "
------ It's a good idea not to ask," Are you going somewhere ?"
-----------------------------

Wife: I have blisters all over my hands from
using the broom all day.
Husband: Next time take the CAR!
-------------------------------

A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.

A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached down and squeezed the boy’s testicles through his clothes. He immediately spit up the penny and stopped choking. She didn’t say a word and walked away.

After making sure his son was okay, the father found the woman to thank her and said, “I’ve never heard of that before, are you a doctor or something?”

She replied, “Actually no, I’m a divorce attorney.”
-----------------------------------

Doctor: "Well, it looks like you're pregnant." < GrizLeBare > 2023-10-01 08:56
Woman: "OMG, I'm pregnant ?"
Doctor: "No, it just looks like you are."
-------------------------------

I tried to make an appointment with a psychic,
but she said I didn't show up.
--------------------------

My doctor said I should break a sweat once a day

I told him I would start lying to my wife.
-----------------------------

Me: "Doctor, I'm addicted to "The Family Feud"..
......what's wrong with me ?"

Doctor: "Well, the survey says................
------------------------------------

To have a happy Medium

Pay him before the seance
-------------------------------

It's so cold now we had to chisel our dog

off a lamp post !
------------------------------

It's so cold I actually saw a wannabe gangsta
pull his pants UP !
------------------------------

What do you call a mass gathering of Raiders fans ?
....................Prison
---------------------------------

How many 49ers fans does it take to change a light bulb ?
None. Lava lamps don't burn out, man.
------------------------------

What does a Minnesota Vikings fan do after his team wins the Super Bowl ?
Turns off the Playstation
---------------------------

What's the difference between a Dallas cowboys fan and a baby ?
A baby will eventually stop whining.
------------------------------

Why can't Spokane have a professional football team?
cause Seattle would want one too....
--------------------------------

Colin Kaepernick

Not the first athlete to take a knee...

That honor belongs to Tonya Harding.
---------------------------------

What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh ?

"You gonna eat that !"
------------------------------------

Dark in here...
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That’s my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it’s..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$750.”
Man: ‟Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that **** again...”

------------------------------------------

Don’t eat anything fatty


I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”
He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”
----------------------------------


These fit so well they should be in a dictionary

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off..

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

and MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines

-----------------------------

If you haven't grown up by age 70...............

Congratulations....................you don't have to.
-------------------------------


If at first you don't succeed..................

...................try doing what Bob told you to do the first time.
-------------------------------

People think I'm crazy cuz I talk to my dogs.

What am I supposed to do when they ask me a question ?

It's OK, I'm on 500mgs of Fukitol
--------------------------------

When I was in college, my girlfriend and I tried a long distance relationship.

I had to stay 300 feet away from her at all times.

Also, the judge said i had to stop calling her "my girlfriend"
----------------------------

Little Johnny has a nightmare, his dad comes in to console him.
"Daddy," says Little Johnny, "there's a monster
under my bed !" Johnny's dad responds, " no Johnny, the monster
sleeps next to me in my bed ! "
------------------------------

Ballad of Joe Biden

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named Joe
His crackhead son can't stay away from blow
Then one day Comer started a discussion
About Joe taking bribes from a billionaire Russian
(cash that is, dirty money, tax fraud)

Well the first thing you know old Joe's a millionaire
Kin folk said Joe give us our share
So they each got a piece like a Christmas ham
Now the whole Biden family is in on the scam
(graft that is, shady deals, sporty cars)

Now it's time to bust them all and throw away the key
This time Hunter will never cop a plea.
The Biden family scandal is the biggest of our time.
Because Republicans know, it's an impeachable crime!
(Biden family crime syndicate, that's what you call them now, y'all go to jail now, ya hear?)

------------------------------------

Things I trust more than Joe Biden

• A rattlesnake with a “pet me” sign
• CNN
• An elevator ride with Ray Rice
• A deflated football
• Gas station sushi
• A confessional with Edward Snowden
• A Native American treaty signed by the US
• Someone talking on a note 7 at the gas pump
• John Oliver
• A Somalian cruise line
• Chris Christie's exercise equipment
• A test fart in bed with the flu
• NY Times
• A prostate exam from Captain Hook
• A boko haram promise ring
• My blind grandma's new cat
• A Josh Duggar Daycare facility
• Anthony Weiner with a free data plan
• A styrofoam gas can
• Bristol Palin teaching an abstinence class
• Pinocchio
• The Boy that cried Wolf
• TIME magazine
• A Nigerian inheritance email
• An unconscious pilot alone in the cockpit
• A factory packed parachute
• Brian Williams's memory
• A North Korean trial
• A tuna fish sandwich left on a city bus for three days
• An alligator petting zoo
• Playing kickball in a minefield
• The Huffington Post
• A free mattress on Craigslist
• The Spanish Inquisition
• A stormtrooper's aim
• A mechanic that says my blinker fluid is low
• A straight shave from Jody Arias
• Poking a black widow spider
• The ingredients in a hotdog
• Flint tap water
• My GPA going up
• Windows 10 privacy
• A Volkswagen smog certificate
• A police officer selling weed
• A suspiciously large wooden horse
• Donald Trump's toupee
• North Korean media
• The Onion
• An unlimited data plan
• Breast milk from Bruce Jenner
• Government run healthcare
• Ashley Madison's security team
• A mixed drink made by Bill Cosby
• The guy that installs turn signals at the BMW plant
• My cat with a plate of Tuna noodle salad
• The government when it says a tax will be temporary
• Taking a bubble bath with a piranha
• A used car salesman
• A new car salesman
• ABC
• A condom made in China
• Donald Trump
• Facebook’s respect for free speech
• Taking a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time
• A blood transfusion from Charlie Sheen
• A panhandler wearing a Rolex
• A drunk surgeon
• My professor when he says "This won't be on the test."
----------------------------

shem
Max The Chainsaw OCT 04, 10:47 AM

quote
Originally posted by shemdogg:

'You might be a redneck if...'




LOL


2 things I have actually witnessed myself.

If you letter your tires with a white crayon.......

If your truck grille has the letters G M C spelled out in antlers......

I always wondered if there was a way to submit them.