 
     |
| The Joke Thread (Page 21/36) |
|
Cliff Pennock
|
AUG 31, 10:24 AM
|
|
|
A penguin is driving her car on a hot day when she notices smoke coming from the engine compartment. The penguin stops at a mechanic's shop and asks the mechanic if he could look at the car. The mechanic tells the penguin it's going to take a while for him to do so, so the penguin decides to go get an ice cream in the mean time, since it's a very hot day. When the penguin returns at the shop she asks the mechanic if he has found anything, the mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal.". The penguin, while wiping her mouth "No, no, that's just ice cream".
|
|
|
|
MidEngineManiac
|
AUG 31, 03:47 PM
|
|
Well, I took the bait and tried an internet joke in a store...
Apparently, when you are in a change room and ask for some toilet paper, you get to talk to store security and then the police department.
Who both look confused as hell when you explain allergies gave a runny nose and eyes and you needed a wipe.
|
|
|
|
shemdogg
|
SEP 02, 11:57 PM
|
|
My fitness instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.
I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.
-------------------------
When should you use condoms ?
On every conceivable occasion.
-----------------------
I'm pretty sure my wife is adding glue to my
firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
-----------------------
Why does the current presidency appear to be taking turns between Republicans and Democrats as nominees?
-So the government doesn't have to dismantle itself all at once.
-To prevent the opposing side from freaking out
- Because they have to catch the sheep up with the remaining flock, who were left behind by the previous presidency.
- To get away with passing laws and then overturn them when applicable at the expense of a targeted population.
- To see if America is awake from their coma.
-------------------------
Top 10 Reasons Joe Biden Should be in Jail
1. Corruption
2. Corruption
3. Corruption
4. Corruption
5. Corruption
6. Corruption
7. Corruption
8. Corruption
9. Corruption
10. Corruption
----------------------------
What’s the male version of a Karen called?
I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
--------------------------
Reporter: What would you do if someone broke into your home with the intention of harming you or your family?
Guy: I’d call 8-1-1
Reporter: You mean 9-1-1 don’t you?
Guy: No, 8-1-1 because I want to know where to dig the hole.
-------------------------------
A gray haired Army general...
walked into a hotel bar late one afternoon and sat down next to an attractive young woman. They hit it off and the girl, since she really likes older men, especially in uniform, said, "Why don't you come up to my room?"
The general replied, "I'm flattered, but at my age I'm not sure things would work the way you hope."
"But you're in good shape," she said. "Tell me, when was the last time you had sex?"
"Oh," said the general, "It was probably 1950 or so."
"Oh my gosh!" exclaimed the young lady. "Well, I'm sure it will all come back to you."
So they end up in bed and had a wild time for several hours. The general really had some skills. When it was all over the young lady looks into his eyes and said, "General, that was wonderful. I'm impressed that you haven't forgotten a thing since 1950."
The general said, "Well, I should hope not, it's only 2130 now.
------------------------------------
I was having lunch by myself at a restaurant when a very pretty girl walked up to me and asked if I was single,
I smiled and said, "Yes, I am."
She said, "Then you won’t mind if I take this chair from your table."
---------------------------------
A manager hired...
...a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.
One morning, while taking dictation for a letter, she noticed that his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee, so he called her into his office and asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning did you happen to see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "No sir. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
----------------------------------------
I started my new job as a bingo caller...
... last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear,
"Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly up to your ass hole."
-------------------------------------
Senior citizens' ranch: Pasture Prime
----------------------------------
It’s a good thing
Gatorade was created by the University of Florida.
If it had been Florida State, they’d call it Seminole Fluid...
-
shem
|
|
|
|
Valkrie9
|
SEP 06, 08:38 PM
|
|
|
|
|
shemdogg
|
SEP 07, 12:19 AM
|
|
That guys funny
heres smore
-----------
TWO CATHOLIC PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying.... That phrase... In no time..'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house..... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'
------------------------------
Why teachers drink
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) ....... And they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q.... Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head
--------------------------------
A redneck needed a car but only had $200
the car salesman said you can have a BMW i've
got in the back but there's a small problem no doors!
The redneck said, "That will never work !" "How will
I get in ? "
-----------------------------
Irony
These three statements tell you a lot about our government and our culture:
1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics,
but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Funny how that works.
And another statement for consideration:
2. We constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money.
How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money,
but the second didn’t.
Finally ...
3. The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture,
is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever —
to 47 million people — as of the most recent figures available in 2013.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior,
asks us “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” The stated reason for this policy is because
“The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.”
Thus ends today's lesson on irony.
------------------------------
My trip to Market Basket
Yesterday I was at my local Market Basket buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pets, Betty & Pook, the Wonder Dogs, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think...I had an elephant?
So, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack. He was laughing so hard.
Market Basket won't let me shop there anymore.
--------------------------
What's wrong with your girlfriend being a **** star ?
She's going to be really pissed when she finds out !
---------------------------
They've come out with...
...a new Viagra for depression...
...it holds your chin up.
---------------------------
The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head’s office. He’s a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.
While I was in his office, I asked him, “Sir, what is the secret of your success?”
He said, “Two words.”
“And, Sir, what are they?”
“Right decisions.”
“But how do you make right decisions?”
“One word,” he responded.
“And, Sir, what is that?”
“Experience.”
“And how do you get experience?”
“Two words.”
“And, Sir what are they?”
“Wrong decisions.”
----------------------------
6:30 is the best time on a clock................
Hands down.
----------------------------
Got fired from my job as set designer.
I left without making a scene.
-------------------------------
I can tell when people are being judgmental.....
..................just by looking at them.
-----------------------------
Just bought the world's worst thesaurus.
Not only is it terrible................it's also terrible.
---------------------------
A lawyer calls up a plumber to look at a problem at his house.
The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.
The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"
The lawyer smirks and says, "two hours? For $800? Thats $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer and my hourly rate is $300 / hour!"
The plumber nods and says, "yes, sir, I understand. Why is it you think I gave up my law practice?"
---------------------------
German word for constipation:
farfrompoopen
--------------------------
What happens when you drink Magnesium Citrate?
What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...
12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm Bud Light and you want to be cool in front of your older brother's friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs. of impacted **** in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a **** coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The **** /water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench what's left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid **** fart as it gurgled out of your ass.
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have **** out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the **** sweats. You meet Jesus.
8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your butthole's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a **** stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it."
----------------------------------
Doctor: “Your wife’s in the hospital.”
GrizLeBare: “How is she?”
Doctor: “I’m afraid she’s critical.”
GrizLeBare: “Yeah, you get used to that....”
-----------------------------
Fill in the blanks:
s_x
f_ _ k
p_ n _ s
pu_s_
boo_s
_ _ ndom
six, fork, pants, pulse, books, random.
If you missed them all, you're a pervert ( like me ).
------------------------
Curtis, Leroy and a mule
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Herald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night ."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the IGA grocery store and asked, “What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $1,998.00.
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So, we gave him his two dollars back."
-----------------------------
1,000,000 years, B.C.
Hot babe, barely dressed, seldom speaks and can help fight off a wild boar.
What's not to like?
-------------------------
What do you call someone
who was dropped on their head as a baby? Hard to say; every one of them has their own pronoun now
-----------------------
Diet
An obese man is standing naked in front of his doctor.
The doctor says, "I'm sure you are aware that you have a serious weight problem."
The man says, "Doc, I know. I haven't seen my dick in 3 years."
The doctor asks, "Then why don't you diet?"
And the fat man says, "Why? What color is it now?"
---------------------
Top 10 signs you are completely senile < caseyatthebat > 2023-09-05 07:10
Falling up stairs
Falling off bike
Falling down at ceremonies
Falling asleep at events
Likes kids better than people
Accosting little girls and sniffing their hair
Confusing countries such as Iraq, Iran, China, Ukraine, Canada
Forgets the VP is not the President
Whispering for no reason
Raising voice for no reason
Shaking hands with ghosts
Confused about how to exit stage
Forgets the queen is dead
Forgetting where your son died
Can't read a teleprompter
Confuses the preamble of the Declaration of Independence
Confusing the number 10 with 17
--------------------------
A man boards a plane...
...with six kids off various ages. Once they all get settled in their seats, a woman across the aisle leans over and asks the gentleman, "Are all these your children?"
To which the man replies, "No; I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints."
-------------------------
Bill and Todd were talking...
...at the cafe. Bill said, "I think people who correct other people's spelling and grammar are terribly insecure and feel they need to prove their intellectual superiority at every opportunity."
"That makes sense," replied Todd.
"I'm glad that doesn't apply to you or I," said Bill.
"Apply to you or me," Todd said smartly.
-----------------------------
Quote from Robin Williams :
" Do you think God gets stoned / "
" Think of the PLATYPUS ! "
--------------------------
To the lady at WalMart with the screaming kids
who is wondering how a box of condoms got
into her cart.
You're welcome !
--------------------------
Speaking of WalMart.........
I had some errands to run and would be out in public, so I got cleaned up ,groomed myself, and put on some nice clothes.
I ended up in WallyWorld and people wearing PJ's with thier buttcracks showing were staring at me like I was a freak.
I think I may be on Youtube.
----------------------------
Pirates
Why is pirating so addictive? Once ye lose yer hand, ye get hooked.
How do pirates communicate? With an aye phone.
Why did the pirate quit playing golf? He kept hooking the ball.
What did the pirate say when he got his wooden leg stuck in the snow? Well shiver me timber !
Pirate's favorite movie: Booty and the Beast ( it's arrr-rated )
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? He was standing on the deck.
----------------------
A politician spends the night with a hooker
in the morning he places $2,000 on her night stand. She
thanks him but declares," I only charge $200 a night." The
politician questions her and says," How can you make a
living for that ?" I also do a little blackmailing !
-------------------------------
Large number of crows flew by the house
Wife said, "look, a murder of crows"
Language is mistfying... would not it be more correct to refer to a large group of politicians as a " murder of truth"
-----------------------------
John is getting...
...into the shower just as his wife, Alice, is getting out. Alice is just wrapping a towel around her when there is a knock at the door. So, Alice goes downstairs and opens the front door to find Bob, the next door neighbor standing there, mouth agape. After a moment's pause, Bob hesitantly says, "I'll give you $800 if you drop your towel and give me a look."
Alice thinks for a moment before dropping her towel to the floor. Bob just stands there gawking at her for the better part of a minute before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a wad of money. He counts out eight one hundred dollar bills and hands them to her before turning around and walking back home.
Alice picks up her towel, wraps it around her body again and goes back upstairs. John asks her, "Who was it?"
"Oh, it was just our neighbor Bob," she replies.
"Great!" exclaims John. "Did he say anything about that $800 he owes me?"
----------------------------
Their making a new birth control pill that tastes like a mint.
It's called predickamint !
--------
shem
|
|
|
|
shemdogg
|
SEP 10, 09:17 PM
|
|
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?
----------------------------
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.
After finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued
her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
-----------------------------
Me ( to midget ):
"Do you need some help carrying that big-screen TV ?"
Midget: "It's an Ipad, ass hole."
--------------------
Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works all day to give us a nice home and good food.
My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
The first kid asks, "What if they try to escape?"
------------------------
I log into Facebook and see that everyone is at the bar...
So I go to the bar and see that everyone is on Facebook
-----------------------
Maybe I drink too much.
Last night a mosquito bit me. It flew around in circles for a few seconds, then dropped dead.
----------------------
Jim Bob had a dog.
His neighbor was a professional lady who had a cat.
This cat was special. It was long haired and had won prizes in several shows.
One morning, the dog came home with the cat in his mouth.
It was as dirty as a long haired cat can get and was very dead.
"Holy Crap", thought Jim Bob, "What am I going to do?"
Finally Jim Bob decided.
He washed the cat, blow dried it, combed it out and put it in a natural pose
on the lady's porch.
A couple of days later Jjm Bob ran into her at the market. He asked, "Whats new?"
She said, "Very strange, my cat died, I buried it, then the next day it was back on my porch".
-----------------------
Poaching defenseless animals is wrong !
They are much better roasted !
------------------------
Bubba was watching pron when his wife
walked in, he quickly switched to his favorite
hunting channel. His wife said, " you should
keep watching pron, you already know how to
hunt !
----------------------------
I'm not lazy...............
I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.
-----------------------
Cancel my subscription...............
I don't need your issues.
-----------------------
Please use grammar good.
I hate people, who compose there sentences incorrect. They think there so smarter but their actually acting so stupid.
Isn't it ironical!
---------------------------
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat
next to another guy. "What are you drinking?" he asks the guy.
"Magic beer," the guy says.
"Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?"
Then the guy shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
"Amazing!" the man says. "Lemme try some of that!" The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. "You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman."
--------------------------
My favorite childhood memory is...............
..........................my back not hurting.
------------------------
A pirate goes to a doctor and says, " aye got me
some moles on me back ." After examining the pirate the doctor
says," Not to worry they are benign ! Alas the pirate exclaims,
count agin there be ten ! "
----------------------
shem
|
|
|
|
shemdogg
|
SEP 14, 08:55 PM
|
|
THE POLISH DIVORCE
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could
Arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
Circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say
POLISH REMOVER
---------------------------
The Hypnotist at a Senior Home
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"CRAP" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
------------------------------
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd
in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.
---------------------------------
I always wanted to marry a rich, smart,beautiful woman.
That's why I've been married three times.
----------------------------------
Chuck Norris went to a feminist rally .
He came back with his shirt ironed and a sandwich.
--------------------------
A Ride in the Prairie.
A young college graduate student was taking a sabatical and making a long-awaited road trip across Indian lands in the South West. She was driving across the prairie, when her car's radiator over heated, and the engine froze. Being far out of cell phone coverage, she was becoming quite worried, when in the distance she saw a Native American riding a horse along a trail. She started calling out and waving her arms, and it wasn't long before he noticed her. He rode up to her, and she pleaded with him to help her get to the nearest town. He said sure, and held out his arm to help her get up on the horse behind him. She held on to his waist, and they started riding toward civilization. After a little while, the Indian let out a loud yell, Yahoo! The woman thought this must be a custom, and didn't worry about it. A little while later, he shouted again, Yahoo! This made her a little curious, but didn't know what to say about it. Eventually, they reached a service station on the outskirts of a town, and after a last loud whoop, the Native dropped the young woman off, and headed back to his reservation. The service station attendant asked what had made him so excited, and the woman shrugged, saying she didn't know. She only put her arms around his waist and held onto the saddle horn with both hands to keep from falling off. Lady, said the gas jockey, Indians don't use saddles.
---------------------------
Joe said "I thought I was just buying Viagra...
From the Chinese."
They said "You give us money, we fix erection for you."
------------------------------
Christine was the worlds first self driving car
to catch on fire way before Tesla made it a standard feature.
-----------------------------
What's Irish and...
...stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture
-------------------------
The latest from 'woke' Disney...
...is that they are coming out with a new animated feature movie about a transgender whale.
They are calling it Maybe Dick.
-----------------------
A young construction worker was bragging
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He
kept making digs at one of the older workers.
Eventually the old man had enough. " Put your
money where your mouth is," he said, "I'll bet
your week's wages that i can haul something
in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that
you won't be able to haul back." You're on, old man."
The braggart replied. The old man grabbed the
wheelbarrow with both handles and said," All right,
get in you prick."
-----------------------------
When Cletis was young he used to sniff gasoline to get high.
These days he switched to cocaine to
save money .
---------------------------------
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.
----------------------------
A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank…
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The customer replies, “YES!”
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!… shoots him in the head and kills him!
He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????”
The man calmly responds, “No … But My Wife Did!”
----------------------------
What is politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So, the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep **** .”
------------------------------------
A young man with...
...his pants hanging half off his butt, two gold front teeth, and a 1/2 inch gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare; I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system; you know, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Well, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his 2023 Mercedes Benz, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. And this is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as she is in her twenties and has a high sex drive."
The guy, wide-eyed said, "You've got to be bullshitting me!"
"Yeah, well," replied the social worker, "You started it."
-----------------------------
Barbie...
...sure has a lot of nicer things for a girl whose knees don't bend.
--------------------------------
This guy goes to...
...the doctor and says, "Doctor, my bottom really hurts."
The doctor asks, "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"
The guy says, "Right around the entrance. It's really sore."
"In my expert medical opinion," answers the doctor, "As long as you call that the entrance, it'll continue to hurt."
---------------------------------
Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken came in a different box....
-------------------------------
Bill went into his...
...12 year olds son Tony's bedroom the other day and saw that he had a 42-inch plasma TV. So when Tony got home from school that day, Bill questioned him.
"Son, where did you get the TV? Did you steal it?" Bill asked.
"No, Dad," replied Tony. "I didn't steal it. I bought it."
"Really?" Bill questioned. "Where did you get the money? Are you dealing drugs? I know you don't have a job."
"Of course not," Tony answered. "I saved up my hiking money."
"Your hiking money? What in the world is 'hiking money'?"
"Well," said Tony, "Whenever you're out, Uncle Bob comes around, gives me a twenty and tells me to take a hike."
----------------------------------
What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat out?...
Wendy's
---------------------------------
The Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.
----------------------------
What should we do with
people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?
Kick them out of congress...
------------------------
Eggs in marriage
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90’s” — equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!”
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it.
“Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached. “Here, my love, enjoy!”
Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”
---------------------------
Whenever you feel sad...
It helps to picture that somewhere in this world, there’s a fool pulling on a door that says “PUSH.”
--------------------------
Never Agitate A Nurse
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out.
He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."
------------------------------
New York Taxi Driver
ONLY A JEWISH TAXI CAB DRIVER WOULD THINK OF THIS.
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New
York City. The cab driver, an
old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He
made no attempt to start
the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, 'What's wrong with you, honey?
Haven't you ever
seen a naked woman before?'
The old Jewish driver answered, 'Let me tell you sumsing, lady - I
vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.'
The drunk woman
giggled and responded, 'Well, if you're not staring at my boobs,
sweetie, what are you doing then?'
He paused a moment, then told her. 'Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am
looking, and I am tinking to
myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?'
-------------------------------
The other day my blonde neighbor, came running
up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy"
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.
I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her,"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!'
Then she said, "There's more"
I asked, "What do you mean there's more?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, I went to Sam's Club and they had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive
--------------------------
Telling time with Roman numerals ?
Not on my watch.
-----------------------
A male whale and...
...a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same one that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our airholes at the same time. That should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and, sure enough, the boat listed to one side, took on water and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male was enraged and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach land."
At this point he realized the female was reluctant to follow him. She said, "Look, I went along with the blowjob but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
----------------------
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
-------------------------
Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED
IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID.
"I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A
MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE
SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT
THAT......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!"
--------------------------
Some lawyers are called "Ambulance Chasers."
My wife is such a bad driver, ambulances chase her!
------------------------
It's really bad when you have to find it to piss
Worse is having to piss to find it.
--------------------------
shem
|
|
|
|
maryjane
|
SEP 14, 09:45 PM
|
|
A young blonde's husband abruptly packs his clothes, cleans out the bank account and hauls butt (for obvious reasons).
2 days later, the blonde is driving around trying to figure out how she's going to live, & where she can get money for food and rent.
She sees kids walking up the sidewalk going home from school and after watching where they go, she hatches out a kidnapping scheme. Next afternoon, she grabs a young boy off the sidewalk, writes out a note that says
"Put $10,000 in a bag and place it behind the oak tree next to the school tomorrow or you'll never see your son again".
She pins the note on his shirt and sends him on up the sidewalk into his house.
Next day she goes to the oak tree and there is a bag with $10K inside and a note that says:
"How could you do this to a fellow blonde???"
(if this offends you, maybe you should consider shaving your head bald)[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 09-14-2023).]
|
|
|
|
Valkrie9
|
SEP 16, 10:55 PM
|
|
Rob Nelson
Baron of Gray Matter
2 hours ago
' A guy dies and goes to hell.
He is in a hall with many, many doors. He has five minutes to open doors to determine which room of punishment he will spend eternity in.
It was horrible, every door he opened had people enduring unspeakable acts.
Until, he opens a door, folks are standing in horsesheet up to their knees.
They are talking among themselves, having a beverage and a donut.
He says, ' This is it! '
He meets people, has a beverage and is enjoying his donuts when a bell rings and a voice says,
' Okay, everyone, break's over !
Everyone back on your heads ! '
|
|
|
|
shemdogg
|
SEP 17, 06:46 PM
|
|
A man and his wife...
...were out on a date, celebrating their 10th anniversary. As they left the restaurant, the wife points and says, "Look at that drunk guy. I used to know him."
The goodness asks, "Really? Who is he?"
She answers, "His name us Bill, and he proposed to me a few months before we met."
"Wow!" says her husband. "And he's still celebrating."
-------------------------------------
I've always heard that lawyers charge an arm and a leg but a retainer too?
Now my teeth are gonna be all ****ed up.
-----------------------------
The White house assures inflation is...
only affecting people who need to buy stuff.
------------------------------
As an experiment, I combined some Viagra with penis enlargement pills and dissolved them in some eye drops.
It made me take a long, hard look at myself.
------------------------------
Las Vegas Casinos
Did you know that Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the Chip Monks.
Ouch! You didn't even see it coming did you?
-----------------------------------
Senior Wedding
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, Arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist:"Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
----------------------------
I debated a flat farther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove
me wrong.
He'll come around eventually !
------------------------------
When farts turn into biscuits
It's best to fast than risk it.
-----------------------------
Wool ewe be my friend?
If yes, we'll have a relation-sheep. Sorry....................I know that was baaaad.
----------------------------
What sound do porcupines make when they have sex ?
..................................................................................OUCH !
---------------------------
As Mike stood at the Pearly Gates
He was asked if there was a real noble thing he had done in
his life.
Well, I once ran across a biker gang that had surrounded a
young girl and was starting to molest her. I walked up to the biggest
baddest man and knocked him out.
St Peter said, "Wow, that is amazing. When did this happen?"
Mike, "Oh, about 10 minutes ago."
--------------------------
What do you get if you splice the genes of a pheasant, a duck, and a rhino ?
PHUCKIFINO !
----------------------
Professional Worrier
David had been extremely anxious for years. It got to the point where his compulsive worrying was ruining his life, so he went to a psychiatrist, who recommended that David hire a professional worrier.
After he’d been working with the specialist for a few months, David’s friend John noticed a change. “What happened?” John asked. “You don’t worry about anything anymore.”
“I hired a professional worrier!” David answered.
“That must cost a fortune,” John said.
“Yes, he charges $3,000 a month,” David said sheepishly.
“Three thousand dollars! How can you ever afford to pay him?” John exclaimed.
“I don’t know,” David said. “That’s his problem.”
----------------------------
Where’s Susie
A little girl asked her mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Her mom says, “No, because the dog is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked mom but she said the dog was in heat and that should ask you.”
Her dad said, “Bring Susie over here.”
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s butt with it and said, “OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Her dad said, “Where’s Susie?”
The little girl said, “Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there’s another dog pushing her home.”
-----------------------------
went swimming at the public pool yesterday. Took a pee in the deep end.
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
------------------------
I saw a picture of asteroid crater in Arizona
you should see how close it came to hitting the visitor center!
----------------------------
A tweaker will steal your **** then
help you look for it.
--------------------------
Funnyish **** movie titles.... < moe-and-ron > 2023-09-13 17:49
40 Gays in 40 Nights
A Beautiful Behind
A Clear And Present Stranger
A Clockwork Orgy
A Few Hard Men
Add Momma to the Train
Any Given Cumday
Any Officer and a Genitalman
Assablanca
Ass Ventura: Crack Detective
Bat Dude and Throbbin
Batman in Robin
Beaver and Buttface
Beverly Hills, 9021-Ho!
Beverly Hills Copulator
Blown in 60 Seconds
Bi-Curious George
Bitanic
Bang Hur
Behind Enemy Behinds
Bite Club
Black **** Down
Brassiere to Eternity
Breast Side Story
Buffy the Vampire Layer
Bum Fight at the OGay Corral
Bush Hour
Clif Banger
Cliff’s Hanger
**** Block and Two Smoking Whores
Crocodile Blondee
Crocodile Done Me
Dawson’s Crack
Drill Bill
Dude, Where’s My Dildo?
E.T. The Extra-Testicle
Edward Penishands
Everyone I Did Last Summer
Evil Head
Fast & Curious
Ferris Bueller Gets Off
Ferris Bueller's Jerk Off
Fifty First Orgasms
Flesh Dance
For Your Thighs Only
Forrest Hump
Game of Bones: Winter is Cumming
Gangbangs of New York
Glad He Ate Her
Good Will Humping
Grinding Nemo
Gulp Fiction
Homo Alone
How I Wet Your Mother
Horat!
How Stella Got Her Tube Packed
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Gays
I Know Who You Did Last Summer
In Diana Jones and the Temple Poon
In and Out… and In Again
Inrearendence Day
Inspect Her Gadget
Intercourse with a Vampire
I Dream of Weenie
Johnny Pneumatic
Jurassic Pork
Kinky Kong
King Dong
Laid in Manhattan
Legally Boned
Lara’s Craft: Womb Raider
Meet Joe’s Black ****
Muffy the Vampire Layer
My Big Fat Greek ****
Malcolm XXX
Man On The Poon
Men in Back
My Best Friends Wetting
May The Foreskin Be With You
Missionary Impossible
Mr. Hollund's Phallus
Mrs. Griz LeBares It All
My Bare Lady
My Big Lebowski
Naporneon Dynamite
Night of the Giving Head
Nutting Hill
Ocean’s 11 Inches
Oklahomo
On Golden Blonde
One Blew Over Miss LuLu’s Chest
Passenger 69
Pocahotass
Poonies
Pulp Friction
Penetrator
Presumed Impotent
Raiders of the Lost Arse
Romancing the Bone
Robocock
Remember the Tight Ones
Romeo in Juliet
Saturday Night Beaver
Schindler’s Fist
School of ****
Sexbusters
Sisterhood of the Traveling Sluts
Sleeping Booty
Sleeping with Seattle
Slutter Island
Sorest Rump
Star Whores (Episode IV: A New Hole)
Shaving Ryan’s Privates
Throbbin’ Hood: Prince of Beavers
The Bare ***** Project
The Bitches of Eastdick
The Bone Ranger
The Boobyguard
The Cockfather
The Da Vinci Load
The Devil Wears Nada
The Good The Bed and The Snuggly
The Inseminator
The Italian Blowjob
The Joy Suck Club
The Loin King
The **** Ultimatum
The Slutty Professor
The Texas Vibrator Massacre
The Whore of the Rings
The Hitchhikers Guide to the G-Spot
The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String
The **** Identity
The Sperminator
The Texas Vibrator Massacre
Three Men And A Barbie
Throbin Hood
Tiger’s Wood
Turner & Cooch
Twin Cheeks
Village of the Rammed
Waiting to XXXhale
Weapons of Ass Destruction
Wet Dreams on Elm Street
What About Boob?
White Men Can’t Hump
Whore of the Rings
Whorey Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls
Womb Raider
Yank My Doodle, It’s a Dandy!
You’ve Got Male
--------------------------
shem
|
|
|
|
