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| The Joke Thread (Page 20/36) |
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shemdogg
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JUL 26, 08:47 PM
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offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.
I don't like working on Sundaes.
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Historic first all female space walk...
The satellite dishes needed washing.
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Every copy of Pink Floyds Dark Side of the Moon
CD has a built in laser light show which can only be activated in your microwave.
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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”
The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”
Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough water, it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looks at him and says, “No, but that isn’t really question you want to ask in class discussion.”
So, the student replies, “Then I’ve definitely sheit in my pants.”
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If you get an email with a link called "free **** "
Don't opin it, It is a virus wich deactivates your spelcheck
and fcuks up you riting, I also receibed it but lukily I dont
vatch **** so I dint opin it, plaese warm yu frends.
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Which was the first civilization to invent the bidet ?
........................The Asstechs.
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We were so poor, we couldn't afford a bidet.
I had to do hand-stands in the shower.
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Tried a bidet for the first time today.
It was a blast.
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Wife: "I'm so glad you installed that bidet,
honey.That kind of investment is right up my alley."
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Why did the junkie buy a bidet ?
He wanted to shoot crack.
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The Misadventures of Cursing Kids at Breakfast
There are two brothers, aged four and six.
The six-year-old says “You know, it’s about time we started to swear.”
The four year old says “OK.”
The six year old says “From now on I’ll say ‘hell’ and you say ‘ass.'”
The four year old says “OK.”
So they go downstairs and their mother says: “What would you boys like for breakfast?”
The six year old says “Oh what the hell, I’ll have corn flakes.”
WHACK!
The kid goes flying across the room.
The mother turns to the four year old and asks “And what would YOU like for breakfast?”
The four-year-old says “I don’t know, but you can bet your ass it’s not corn flakes.”
-----------------------------
I got an e-mail from a hacker:
"I have all your passwords!"
Me: "OMG, Thank you! What are they!"
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What do rainbows do in prison ?
They refract on what they've done.
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I saw a rainbow flag covered in seaweed.
( AlgaeBTQ )
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Where do you go to weigh baked goods ?
Somewhere over the rainbow............................weigh a pie.
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What do you call a magician wearing a rainbow colored suit ?
..........................Huedini.
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Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd broke into a distillery.
Daffy asked Elmer, "Is this real whiskey?"
"Yeth," replied Elmer, "But not ath whiskey ath wobbing a bank."
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What happens when you eat aluminum foil?
You sheet metal.
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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child: “Hello..”
“Is your Daddy home?”, the boss asked.
“Yes, he is.. “, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk to him, please?”
The child whispered: “No!”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked: “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk to her?”
Again, the small voice whispered: “No!”
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked: “Is anyone else there?”
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked: “May I speak to the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked: “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?”, demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered: “The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked: “Oh my God! What on Earth, are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME!”
--------------------------
The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Louise finally said, ‘Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right.’
‘Fine.’ I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, ‘I’m wrong.’
I grinned and replied, ‘You’re right.’
shem
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shemdogg
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AUG 05, 10:27 PM
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I like to call my nuts "Wonkas”
They’re between a willy and a chocolate factory
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Did you hear about the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition coming out?
It’s gonna be nuts!
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My friend told me if I put the end of my penis in ice water my nuts would stop itching.
Cool tip
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Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''
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I built a model of Mt. Everest.
My wife asked, "Is that to scale ?"
I replied, "No, it's just to look at."
----------------------
Someone stole my broken bathroom scale.
They'll never get a weigh with it.
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!”
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Do not pick a fight with a dinosaur.
You'll get jurasskicked
-----------------------
<
So, I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid.
Guess that makes it Priustoric
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Note on lavatory doors -
" We will be going paperless effective 3/1/2024"
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A guy walks into a cafe, and orders a coffee with no cream.
The waitress says "I'm sorry; we're out of cream - how about no milk?"
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Mark, a ventriloquist, was driving past an Native American reservation on his way to a gig and his car suddenly died.
He called for a tow and while he was waiting he noticed not far away an Indian with a horse tending to some animals. He thought, "Well, since I'm waiting I might as well practice a bit."
So he walked to the man, introduced himself and said, "What a handsome horse! Mind if I talk to him a bit?"
"Horse no talk!" Replied the Indian. But Mark convinced him to agree and performed an amazing act "talking" to the horse.
He saw how stunned the Indian was and decided to milk it a bit. He looked around and said, "Hey, what a well-fed cow! Mind if I talk to it?" "Cow no talk!" Was the reply, but Mark, again, convinced the man to agree.
After another very convincing performance, Mark said "Hey, what a beautiful wool coat on that sheep! Mind if I talk to it?" "Sheep lie!"
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Just opened a business featuring chimney
supplies, soldering supplies, and Mexican desserts. I call it Flu Flux Flan.
-------------------------------
I just found out my girlfriend gave me an STD
Looks like I'm gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
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My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist
She does everyone
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My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" means?
shem
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shemdogg
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AUG 08, 05:17 PM
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Man sits down with...
...his wife and says, "I have a problem."
Wife responds, "No, we have a problem. We are a couple, a unit, a team. Your problem is my problem. We are in this together."
"OK," he says. "Well, we got your sister pregnant."
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Did you know the people in Saudi
do not like the Flintstones?
But I hear the people in Abu Dhabi Do--
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Two old men are...
...chatting at the local coffee shop early one morning. Bill asks Herb, "So, are you working now?"
Herb replies, "I am my wife's sexual advisor."
"What?" Bill says quizzically. "What do you mean you are her sexual advisor?"
"Well," says Herb, "She told me that when she wants my focking advice, she'll ask for it."
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Dear Tide,
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out.
After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
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What if soy milk is just regular milk
introducing itself in Spanish?
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Tradition is peer pressure from the dead
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I sold my homing pigeon on E-Bay
for the 22nd time.
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Finland has closed its borders.
No one can cross the Finnish line.
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Goth corn: corn on the macabre
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
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What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spec-tater.
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An ordinary spud:
common tater.
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Asian potato: Orientater
Potato acting like a carrot: Imitater.
Potato on yer dick: Dictater
Annoying potato: Agitater
Bilingual potato: interpretater
Potato on your ear: irritater
Wet potato: precipitater
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I hate it when people bother me.
Yesterday, this lady from the sperm bank came to my door asking for donations. Boy did I give her a mouthful.
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Doctor: "Does impotence bother you in your day to day life ?"
Patient: "I don't know, it's never come up."
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Give a man fire and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire......................and he'll stop bothering you
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Man goes into the library...
...and asks the pretty librarian, "Do you have that new book on living with a small penis?"
"I'm sorry," she says, "I don't think it's in yet."
Man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."
------------------------
There was a dog who was part pit bull and part Collie.
He would attack people, then go for help.
shem
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shemdogg
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AUG 11, 09:43 AM
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My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship.
Or as she likes to call it, a “restraining order”.
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Mexican - Italian jedi master: Obi-Juan Cannoli
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Rectus, Homer E
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A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
”
I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass here.”
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I really need advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
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George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British…
After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says “excuse me sir, I’m sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?” The farmer looks around and says “well I only have room for one of you.” Washington looks around at his 100 men, and points to a young soldier.
“Peters, you were wounded badly in that last battle and kept fighting. You deserve it. Step inside.” Peters steps up, and stays with the farmer for the night. Now without their buddy Peters, the men feel as depressed as ever, and have no place to stay. Washington and his battered soldiers continue marching.
Eventually they find a brothel. Washington knocks on the door excitedly and the head mistress answers. “Excuse me ma’am, my men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night? We can pay.” The mistress closes the door for a moment. She excitedly turns around to all the prostitutes. “It’s been months of no business girls, no men and no action, but we have a whole caravan of handsome young soldiers to service here! Get ready!” The girls giggle excitedly and begin to primp for all the soldiers, having gone months with no business.
The mistress opens the door and says to George “we’d be happy to put you up! How many of you are there?” Washington turns around and looks at his men, and says “well, 99 without Peters.” The mistress says,
“You’ve gotta be shitting me.”
---------------------------
The Dead Horse Theory < KiloMikeAlpha > 2023-08-09 11:14
The Tribal wisdom of the Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”
However, in modern business, education and government, far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as ‘living-impaired’.
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and, therefore, contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position of hiring another horse.”
-----------------------------
A woman meets a man in a bar.
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But, she doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says --
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
shem
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shemdogg
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AUG 12, 11:35 AM
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Hitler may have been the brains behind theNazi regime
...........................but Eva was the Braun.
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Evil intent: Satan living in a wigwam
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Anyone know where I can hire a bad guy, demon, or evil spirit ?
Asking for a fiend.
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Mummies aren't all evil.................
They get a bad wrap
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Why don't vampires feel bad about the evil things they do ?
They're incapable of reflection.
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What do a burned pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common ?
Someone didn't pull out in time.
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Our local fire station burned down yesterday.
Someone left the irony on.
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Do you know the difference between sex for money and sex for free?
Sex for money is a whole lot cheaper.
-----------------------------------
The police say they burn all the weed they confiscate.
I guess that explains the donuts.
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Jesus, Moses, and a little old man are playing golf.
Jesus hits his drive just over the water hazard, walks across the water, and chips onto the green.
Moses hits his drive into the same part of the fairway, holds his pitching wedge over the water, parts the water, walks across, closes the water, and chips onto the green.
The little old man tees off, and hits the ball straight up in the air. It comes down towards the middle of the water hazard, but before it hits, a fish jumps out of the water, and catches the ball in its mouth.
The fish almost lands back in the water when a gull swoops down and catches the fish in its beak.
As the gull starts to fly away, the fish slips out of its beak and lands on the green. The ball pops out of the fishes mouth, rolls across the green, and goes into the cup for a hole in one.
Jesus looks at the old man and yells, “Come on, Dad! Stop screwin’ around, and play golf!”
shem
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shemdogg
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AUG 22, 05:25 PM
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Stupid people are like glow sticks..............
I want to snap them and shake the shite out of them until the light comes on
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A man went to the zoo and asked for a job.
The zookeeper said, can you wear this gorilla suit and jump around and go uh uh uh?
The man said, let me try.
That's fine, said the zookeeper. Take him to the gorilla cage, he told his assistant.
But the assistant locked him in the lion cage by mistake. Help! Help! the man cried. Let me out!
Shut up! said the lion You want to get us fired?
-----------------
Why do news casters refer to themselves in the plural? We this, We that, single news caster saying, We'll be back...
Maybe they have a frog in their pocket
It's like when you go to a proctologist and he says, "Bend over and we'll see what's going on"
I mean how many people are back there?
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Are the Hollywood writers still on strike?
Has anybody in the real world noticed yet?
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A mexican magician announced he would vanish without a trace.
"Uno!, Dos! ..." and poof
he was gone without a tres.
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Why does Snoop Dog have an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle.
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I have great muscle memory.
I totally remember when I was in shape.
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A surgeon removed my friend's cardiac muscle.
It was disheartening.
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I suffer from muscle pain when writing equations.
I have fibromyalgebra.
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t's a 15 minute walk to the bar from my house
It's a 45 minute walk back from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering.
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I told my girl: “I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you,”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear…:
“If you love me, introduce me to John”.
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After the palace meteorologist assured them there was no chance of rain, the King and the Queen went fishing
On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding a donkey , and they asked if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said" your Majesties you should return to the palace. In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm"
The King replied " I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is educated and an experienced professional. Besides I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the King and Queen continued on their way.
However, in a short time torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were soaked. Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to execute the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of Royal Forecaster.
The fisherman said "I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see his ears drooping , it means with certainty that it will rain"
So the King hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions in government.
The practice continues to this day
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A woman says to her husband, "You don't know how to do anything for yourself. I cook for both of us. I clean up. I do laundry. I do the finances. You don't know how to do any of that."
"Now look at our friends Frank and Joyce. Frank knows how to cook, clean, do laundry, and pay bills. If something were to happen to Joyce, Frank would do OK. What would you do if I died?"
"I guess I'd go live with Frank."
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Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
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How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
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Where does a sheep go to get a haircut?
The baa baa shop.
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A man came home and found a note on the refrigerator.
“It’s not working, I’m fed up and going to my Mothers”.
He opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold. He couldn’t figure out what the problem was.
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Why do orphans like playing tennis?
Because it’s the only love they get.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They have no idea where home is...
I only date homeless girls.
After the date, I can drop her off anywhere.
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What should you do if your epileptic girlfriend is having a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in your laundry.
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It's all in the delivery
Doctor, handing me a newborn baby: "I'm sorry... Your wife didn't make it."
Me, handing baby back: "Then bring me the one she DID make."
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My Uncle was in an accident
When the Docs put him back together they cross-connected his optical nerve to his anal nerve.
Poor man went through the rest of his days with a chitty outlook on life.
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I'm considering becoming a proctologist.
Any rectum-mendations ?
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It's no fun having to take a dump...............
.................you're alone when chit goes down.
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A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says: “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.”
The idiot says: “Okay.”
The genius then asks: “How many continents are there in the world?” The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5.
The idiot says: “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?”
The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000.
The genius says: “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?”
The idiot hands over $5.
------------------------
What is the definition of torque?
When you have to piss with morning wood, you push your dick down so hard that your feet fly out from under you.
That's torque!
shem
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Valkrie9
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AUG 23, 10:21 AM
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Valkrie9
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AUG 23, 10:26 AM
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shemdogg
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AUG 25, 06:14 PM
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Good stuff, really liked the "tiled floor"
more head shakers comin up!
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Now that our Government has acknowledged Aliens
I have developed a plan to repel any invasion.
The Governments of our planet need to get together and develop transporter beams (as seen on Star Trek), and beam up Jehovah's Witnesses, repeatedly, to every incoming ship, complete with the white shirts, skinny black ties, and the doorbell ding-dong!
*ding-dong*
"HAVE YOU MET JESUS .... FRIEND?"
The Jehovah's will save us all.
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Why is the French Flag Blue White and Red?
In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.
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I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
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My grandson kept messing with electrical cords.
So I grounded him, and now he's conducting himself properly
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In the middle of the battle, I switched to a bayonet to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
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Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
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A new lethal omicron variant has been detected..
It's called BS-24/7.
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A recent study has revealed that 58% of marriages end in misery.
The other 42% end in divorce.
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Who won the presidential debate?
People who didn't watch.
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If a plant is sad,
do other plants photosympathize with it?
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Life is NOT like a box of chocolates...
...it's more like a jar of jalapenos - what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
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A lady and her friend go out to dinner at a nice restaurant that neither had been to before. When the waiter handed them the menus, the lady asked, "Is this menu gluten free?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, it's made out of paper and plastic."
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Pulled out a nose hair yesterday afternoon to see if it hurts.
judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus it seems pretty painful.
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Which celebrity is always looking for ice cream?
Reese, with her spoon.
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How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was hit by the Zamboni.
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I could never figure out why frisbees get bigger as they get closer.
And then it hit me.
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I hate scrabble.
I hate scrabble so much, I can't find the words.
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NAZI Television
Many people don't know that some of the earliest television broadcasts took place in Nazi Germany during the 1930s, let alone that many popular American TV shows had their origins in Nazi Germany.
So, I'm involved in a project that tries to list all of those programs, originally popular in Nazi Germany and then later in the US, which to date include the following:
The Adventures of Nazi and Harriet
Fatherland Knows Best
Heidelberg Five-O
The Colditz Comedy Hour
The Wild Wild Westfront (and its sequel, How the Westfront Was Won)
Yellow Star Trek
Panzer 54, Where Are You?
Mister Rommel's Neighborhood
Mein Three Sons
The Love U-Boat (gay themed, lasted only a half-season during the Weimar years, then cancelled)
Rommel & Martin's Laugh-In (yeah, Rommel was popular)
The Twilight Occupation Zone
Daytime game shows also found some popularity, and included:
Concentration Camp, The Price is Reich, I've Got a Secret Bunker, Name That Marching Tune, and I'm sure others.
Easily the most popular movie during that era seemed to be Saturday Night Führer.
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Young Son: “Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal one.
So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.
Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me from doing something wrong. I came here with sin in my heart, but your sermon showed me the error of my ways."
Upon hearing this, the pastor congratulates him and asks him what specifically made him change his mind, to which the man replies, "You see, I lost my hat and came here to steal one from the cloakroom. But when you got to the 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."
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- How does Darth Vader like his steaks?........ Well done done done......done de done.....done de done
- Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus? ................She went to woo Han.
- What did Yoda say after he studied figures of speech?......... Metaphors be with you
- Han Solo created an employment agency. .......................Han Jobs
- What kind of car does Chewbacca drive?.......................He doesn't....Ewoks
What do you call a socially aware Chewbacca?.......................A wokie
- Who handles Darth Vader's finances?..............CPA-3PO
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Martha was on her way to winning $100,000 on a TV game show but her final question was suspended until the next evening's episode.
Her husband desperately wanted to help her to win that $100K, so he sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced back to the hotel and told his wife, "Your final question for the big win tomorrow will be, 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
"And the answer is, 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Martha thinks about this throughout the night but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, the heart, and the penis."
By the time the game show started the next evening she has forgotten the answer again. Then the presenter asked, "For $100,000, Martha, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds to answer."
Martha answers, "Um, the head."
"Yes," said the presenter. "You have eight more seconds."
"The heart," says Martha nervously.
"Yes!" exclaimed the presenter. "you have six seconds left!"
"Oh. Um, damn. My husband drilled it into me last night, and it was on the tip of my tongue this morning," said Martha.
The presenter shouted, "That's close enough! You've just won $100,00!"
-------------------------------
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed, and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’
When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh **** .’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
shem
-[This message has been edited by shemdogg (edited 08-25-2023).]
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shemdogg
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AUG 31, 09:48 AM
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According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.
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A husband and his wife are sitting in front of their PC and trying to set up a new password.
The husband types ‘mypenis’ as a password. The wife immediately falls on the ground laughing as she sees an error message on the computer screen that reads as “Error! Password’s not long enough!”
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There’s a high school teacher named Miss Prussy who would always remind her students to “don’t forget the ‘r’” because it would be otherwise awkward/offensive.
25 years later at a class reunion a student spotted Miss Prussy and said “i know you! You’re miss…” and before he can finish Miss Prussy reminded him “don’t forget the ‘r’”.
The student then said “oh yes! You’re Miss Crunt!”
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Two-year-old spits food on the floor
Wife: We don’t spit! If it’s in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband: *raises eyebrows*
Wife: You shut up!
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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
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Feeding pigeons in McDonald's parking lot
First there are a few that look needy and when word gets out there's free stuff their friends show up. Soon you're overwhelmed and when you run out of food they get pissed and **** on your car.
Basic animal nature
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Liberal Oppressors
I know why so many urban young people are feeling disenfranchised. It's because they are being oppressed by Democrats. You see, since liberal married women have joined the workforce, they are taking many of the jobs inner city youths would have otherwise taken. So it's these Dual Income Liberal Democrat Oppressors, or DILDOs for short, that are displacing so many of this country's young people. Help me in the fight against oppression! Keep DILDOs out of the workplace. Don't let DILDOs replace these poor young men! Just say no to DILDOs.
Brought to you by liberal douchebags everywhere.
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Ring. Ring. Ring.
Hello, thank you for calling the Incontinence Hotline. Can you hold please?
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I asked my...
...therapist who his therapist was, and went to see him. I asked him the same thing, then went to see his therapist. I asked her the same thing, then went to her therapist.
I kept doing this until I got to the final boss therapist and proceeded to defeat him with the story of a trainwreck life.
Never quit until after you beat the big boss.
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I just broke up with my moonshine girlfriend
but i love her STILL!
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Love in Unexpected Places
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message. She wrote:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
Her husband texted back: I’m in the toilet, please advise.
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Trusting Your Wife's Directions
A guy say’s to his friend: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
The friend replies : I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
The first guy says: What’s a GPS override?
The friend replies: My wife.
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Ineptocracy
Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc'-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead, are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.
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Why did the old man fall into that well?
He couldn't see that well.
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A wife was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, “I can’t believe. You’re asking me about supper right now! Pretend I’m out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!”
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, “Where’s my dinner?”
“Huh? I thought you were out of town,” he replied.
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A attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Paul, I have good news and bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $1-2 million. I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
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I have a new job
I'm a dressing room attendant for dancers at a strip club. $300/week. That's not much, but it's all I can afford to pay.
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She said she was "Smart"
So, I met this girl and we went out. I spent the whole night listening to her brag about how smart she is and how much she reads. Now, I'm not the smartest guy in the world but I think she's lying to me. She told me all about her favorite book, so I decided I would get it and read it to impress her, but I can't find it anywhere. I'm thinking if Google hasn't heard of it, she must be full of crap. If anyone out there knows where I can find a book called "Donkey Hotey" please let me know.
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A wonderful bird is the pelican.................
His bill holds more than his bellican.
He can take in his beak...........
Enough food for a week...............
But I'll be damned if I see how the hellican.
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What do you get when you sit on ice too long ?
POLAROIDS !
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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”
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wo ladies having lunch...
...when the first one says, "My husband has me in his phone as Jessica Altman."
The second one answers, "Well, that is your name. Besides, it could be worse; one of my identical twins has the other in his phone as Spare Parts."
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Little Suzy complained...
...to her daddy, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, her daddy joked, "But, honey, you already have a sister."
Confused, the toddler screwed up her little nose and asked, "I do?"
"Sure," her dad said, pulling the little kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you walk in the front door, she scoots out the back door."
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy?"
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Russia is having a contest for best political
joke. First prize is twenty years.
shem
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