The Joke Thread (Page 19/36) fierofool JUN 27, 09:18 AM A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The doctor asks "What's the problem?" The woman says "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to loose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The doctor says "I have a cure for that. Every time your husband loses his temper, get a glass of water and start swishing it, swish and swish. Don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later the woman comes back looking fresh and reborn. She says to the doctor "That was brilliant. Every time my husband started losing his temper I would swish the water. I swished and swished and he would calm right down. But how does a glass of water do that?" The doctor says "The glass of water itself has nothing to do with it. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick." gregr75 JUN 29, 04:17 PM From the czech republic: A man calls radio DJ and says "I've found a wallet with 100,000 Koruny inside. There's also a card that says Jan Ziegler, Seifert Street 3, Prague". "So?",says the DJ. "What do you want us to do?" Says the caller, "Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?" maryjane JUN 29, 06:10 PM That's only 4600 US dollars... But, speaking of requests.... "Don't forget to check the hyd oil and wipe down the windshield buddy.." shemdogg JUN 29, 08:52 PM NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars”, the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater — Rice University.” The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. “Two millions dollars”, the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear: “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?”, the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied: “You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer.” ============ My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said: “He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week”. We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife gave me a healthy jab and said: “WOW …That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him”. We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said: “That’s once a day.. You could REALLY learn something from this one”. I looked at her and said: “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow”. =============================== A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?” “No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor. “No, I’ve never done any of those things either.” “Well then,” said the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?” ============================ A milkman who is dying in the hospital is surrounded his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse. Says to his eldest son: “To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly terrace.” “To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the High street Plaza.” “To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Centre offices.” “And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in down town.” The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: “Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!” And the wife retorts: “Rich? Lucky?? Are you kidding??!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk!” ========================== The Unforeseen Consequences of Progress I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. ‘This is the 21st century,’ she said. ‘We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.’ I can tell you this… That fly never knew what hit him! ================ Little known fact If you lose one sense, apparently your other senses are enhanced. This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance. shem MidEngineManiac JUN 30, 02:31 PM Hot 'nuff for ya ??? MidEngineManiac JUL 03, 09:54 PM shemdogg JUL 12, 08:19 PM Almost forgot-National Eat Your Jello Day! What can Jello do that you can't? Come in 22 delicious flavors What did the Spoon say to the Jello? "Look at you, I haven't even put it in yet and you're already trembling." If a hot young blonde was trapped in Jello I'd eat her out A man goes to visit his 89 year old grandfather in the nursing home. He asks, "How are you doing, Grandpa?" "Feeling just fine," Grandpa answers with a smile. The grandson asks, "How is the food here?" "Terrific!" replies Grandpa. "Wonderful menus. And the nursing just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take great care of me." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep well?" inquires the grandson. "Oh, no problem at all. Nine hours solid every night. At 10:00 they bring me a cup of hot cocoa and a Viagra pill, and that's it; I go out like a light." replies Grandpa. The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this so he goes to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 89 year old man Viagra on a nightly basis. Surely that can't be true." "Oh yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10:00pm, we give him a cup of cocoa and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot cocoa helps him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on. The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.” Last week I told my psychiatrist ‘I keep thinking about suicide. He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.” I went out dressed like a chicken last night and I met a girl who was dressed like an egg. One thing led to another, and the lifelong question was answered: it was the chicken. shem shemdogg JUL 15, 12:12 AM One day, a secretary steps into her boss’s office, lamenting, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got some bad news for you.” “Why does it always have to be bad news?” he grumbles. “Just once, give me some good news.” “Alright then,” the secretary concedes, “Here’s a positive spin for you – you’re not sterile.” ---------------------- Are you aware that women hate it when their husbands refer to them as "the wife." They find it rude and offensive. .......................................the wife informed me of this years ago. ------------------------- "But Quasimodo, what makes you think you need to see a chiropractor ?" Quasimodo: "Oh, its just a hunch." ------------------------- Teacher asks Little Johnny, "Can you give me an example of a business failure due to bad management?" Little Johnny answers, "A prostitute getting pregnant." ----------------------- A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!” shem shemdogg JUL 20, 11:04 PM A young lady had a job interview. The interviewer asked her, "What do you think is your greatest weakness?" She replied, "Honesty." "Hmm," said the interviewer. "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "Well," replied the young lady. "I really don't give a crap what you think." ------------------------------ What's worse than a box full of snakes ? A box that was SUPPOSED TO BE full of snakes. ----------------------------- A snake walks into a bar................. The bartender says, "How did you do that ?" --------------------------- I made a boomerang out of a snake. I'm afraid it might come back to bite me in the ass. ----------------------------- What do you call a boomerang that won't return? A stick ---------------------------- San Fran proposes new gun law -Security guards will be prohibited from drawing a gun to protect property. -Criminals feeling unsafe when robbing stores. --------------------------- On a Sunday afternoon, a tipsy old man stumbles upon a baptism ceremony happening by the river. He decides to join the preacher in the water, standing right beside the pastor. The pastor, noticing the tipsy old man, asks, “Mister, are you prepared to find Jesus?” The old man, swaying slightly, replies, “Yes, preacher, I believe I am.” With that, the pastor quickly dunks the old man under the water before pulling him back up. “Did you find Jesus?” asks the pastor. “Nah, I didn’t!” retorts the old man. Growing slightly impatient, the pastor immerses the man for a considerably longer period before bringing him back up again. “Now, my friend, did you find Jesus?” he inquires. “Nah, I haven’t, Father,” the old man answers, coughing. Utterly exasperated, the pastor submerges the man for a good half a minute this time, then hauls him back up. In a stern voice, he asks, “For heaven’s sake, man, have you found Jesus yet?” The old drunkard, wiping the water from his eyes, responds to the pastor, “Are you certain this is where he dropped in?” ------------------------- The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention. So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer". Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower: "Dave, is that you?". ---------------------- My wife asked one day why I spoke so softly in the house. I said I was afraid that someone was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed. ------------------------ I was able to explain taxes to my kids- by eating 38 percent of their ice cream ---------------------------- Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream. Then both of us are in A La mode ------------------------ A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted. A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me." "Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man. "Let go of the branch," boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?" shem shemdogg JUL 21, 12:11 AM Cupla more wont hurt besides The Untold Benefits of Laugh Laughing is a very simple and contagious process. When we’re looking at something funny or hilarious, our mind will sense it and we’ll begin to laugh. However, there are some people, who are very hard to laugh. Maybe, it’s due to their characteristics. The Untold Benefits of Laugh: For those who having difficulty with a laugh, perhaps this article might be able to shed some light on you! If you’re being struggling with insomnia, then you should watch the comedies and laugh more often. It’s because laughter can help the pituitary gland release its own pain-suppressing opiates, which is known as the main substance to overcome insomnia! Furthermore, when you’re laughing, it helps to: -Increase your vascular blood flow (It makes us feel energetic all day long). -Lower your blood pressure (It inhibits us from having high blood pressure). -Reduce our stresses. -Increase the disease-killing cell’s immunity, such as Macrophages and T-cells. -Against the body cells from unstable mutation, (It prevents us from getting cancer). -Increase your memory and learning ability. As you see, there are many benefits of laughter. Hence, from now on, you should open wide your mouth and laugh happily. Like the old saying, “A laugh a day, keeps the doctor away!” --- What is the differences in what a mistress, a hooker, and a housewife think about during sex? The whole time, the mistress is thinking, ”I wish this would last forever!” The hooker is thinking, “Ten more minutes and this will all be over.” And the housewife is thinking, “Beige. I think I’ll paint the kitchen beige.” --------------------- What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner. --------------------- Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on. ----------------- Which birds always stick together? Vel-crows ---------------- Did you hear about the pottery furnace that exploded? They had to notify the next of kiln. -------------------- Knight who was into pottery: Sir Amic ---------------- I was fired at my last job. It was terrible, since only pottery is supposed to go in the oven ------------------- I remember that time when me, and my brother's Hoss and Little Joe were out riding and... Wait - that was Bonanza... Nevermind. ---------------------- I swear I can't win even though i followed my wife's demands to the T she is still pissed at me I was helping her reupholster a chair when she said - very clearly and without stutter - "Put the staple where my thumb is" ---------------------------- Hunters In The Basement (Cats in the Cradle) My child called me up just the other day He said Dad I need some crack can you help me today? And I had lots of cash but bills to pay He said don't worry Dad I'll find another way. He was smokin' fore I knew it and away he flew Sayin' I'm gonna be like you Dad You know I'm gonna be like you. And Hunters in the basement with a silver spoon The hookers and drugs were gonna be there soon. When you comin' home Dad I don't know when I'll be good and high by then My son came around just the other day He said I got me a deal where we can both get paid. Can I trade on your name I said sure okay' Will anyone know he said 'no, no way' And as he walked away he looked kinda dim and said I'm gonna be like him, yea you know I'm gonna be like him. And Hunters in the basement with a silver spoon Ukrainian bribes were gonna be there soon When you comin' home Dad I don't know when I'll put aside your ten percent dad I'll always have your ten percent Well he came from Kiev just the other day Had a smile so big I just had to say Son I'm proud of you how's our cash supply He nodded his head and said "Great, Big Guy" But what I really need dad is to borrow the car keys "You can take the Vette but watch the boxes please" And Hunters in the basement with a silver spoon Classified papers all over the room When you comin' home Dad I don't know when, I'm gettin' good and high again Dad. I'm gettin' good and high again I stole an election and my son moved away I called him up just the other day I said you owe me some cash my want my cut today! He said calm down dad you know it's on the way But now my laptop is gone and now it's on you And now we're both really screwed dad And now we're gonna be screwed. And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me He was damn near dumber than me MY boy was dumb as me And there was Hunter in the basement with a silver spoon All of our crimes were comin out real soon When's it all end son? I don't know when But we're gonna end up in the pen dad We're both gonna be in the pen. Video here: ht tps://www.bitchute.com/video/Ji1JgD1QlSgo/?fbclid=IwAR3dNOr-FmQPy6jAZzYy7IRC5GFQqkLzBBRKWYgbzGtR9hk7VRU33mxflaA tee hee shem