The Joke Thread (Page 18/36) shemdogg MAY 06, 11:05 PM EWWWW wash them draws! lol Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner, he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they neared the hooker’s corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!” ---- What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso ---- I don't know why my wife hates me for being lazy It's not like I did anything. ----- There are only two genders - People that believe there are only two genders and people that don't. shem maryjane MAY 07, 11:57 AM I think it's messed up that Stevie Wonder has to pay 6 figures in child support and still can't see his kids. After I regained consciousness from an overnight car accident, the doctor said I had amnesia and was really a Swedish guy from Stockholm. Nonsense! Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday? shemdogg MAY 15, 08:55 PM A Trans, a Vegan and an Atheist walk into a bar. I only know because they told everybody within two minutes of walking in. ------------------- I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet ------------------ What do you call a tomb full of money? A crypt-o-currency ----------------- A judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.” The judge then asked, “How many peaches were in the can?” “Six,” replied the woman. After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night in jail for every peach she stole. Six nights total. And before the judge smacked the gavel down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, “Your honor, wait!” The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say. “She also stole a can of peas!” --------------------- The inventor of the umbrella was going to call it the brella, but when he went to register the patent , he hesitated. -------------------- One day, the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer and said, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said, 'Holy Chit! A talking chicken!" (The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.) shem shemdogg MAY 15, 11:06 PM Donttforget and I are starting a new restaurant chain called Dicktators. We're going to need investors. Now's your chance to get your piece of a Dicktatorship! So far we've got: 1) Bake a big Idaho spud. (the 'tater) and slice lengthwise. 2)Place a preheated hot dog or sausage (the 'dick) on said baker. Variations include, but are not limited to: Cheesy dicktater. Creamy dicktater (sour cream) Stinky dicktater (onions and or garlic) German dicktater: that aforementioned sausage, and/or sauerkraut. I thought of: Spicy dicktator chili cheese and jalapeno Polish dicktator with kielbasa Mexican dicktator chorizo and queso Vegan dicktator with beyond sausage Dickless dicktator no sausage at all What else? -------------------------------- Cat puns freak meowt............................ .......................and I'm not kitten. ------------------------- The teacher of the 5th grade class was giving a verbal quiz to the students, with each question getting a bit more difficult. Before she asked the final question she said, "The first one who answers this next question correctly may go home early." Little Johnny, sitting in the back of the room, quickly throws his books at the window as the teacher turned toward the blackboard. The teacher, surprised by the noise, turned around and asked, "Who did that?" Little Johnny said, "I did, and I'm going home." ---------------------------- Your fingers... ...have fingertips but your toes don't have toe tips. Yet you can't tiptoe but not tipfinger. ---------------------- Why doesn't... ...Aldi have it's own brand of nuts called "Aldi's Nuts"? ------------------- A woman goes to her boyfriend's... ..parents' house. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. After some visiting, they all sit down and begin enjoying a fine meal. About 20 minutes into the meal, the woman starts to feel some discomfort thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole; the gas pains are almost making her eyes water. She decides to let out a dainty fart. Everyone in the room heard the 'poof.' Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, the boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, 'great,' and she smiled. A few minutes later she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she let out a louder and longer fart. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Damn it, Skippy!" Once again she thought, 'yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another one but this time she didn't even think about it and let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Damn it, Skippy! Get away from her before she chits on you!" shem fierofool MAY 17, 12:21 PM I hereby bestow to Shemdog the title of "Jokester Emeritus"! Keep 'em coming. shemdogg MAY 17, 11:29 PM I cant help myself! You also forgot "goofballus maximus" from the end of the title. Glad you like em, some are cheese and some are good lol. A man gets stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful young girl swims to shore in a wetsuit. The man says, "Hi, am I ever happy to see you!" The girl says, "Hi! It seems like you've been here for a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten long years," replied the man. With this information the girl unzips a pocket on the sleeve off her wetsuit, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and gives him a cigarette. Man says, "Wow! Thank you so much!" As she flicks the lighter for him she asks, "How long has it been since you had a drink?" Again the man replies, "It's been ten years." The girl unzips another pocket and pulls out a flask of rum and hands it to him. "Thank you!" he exclaims. "You're like a miracle!" Then the girl starts to slowly unzip the main zipper of her wetsuit as she seductively asks, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Astounded, the man says, "Oh my goodness! Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there too!" -------------------------------------- I wonder if every spider that I ever killed in my house thought it was also their house and we were like roommates. And then one day for no reason I just flipped out and murdered it. What a sense of betrayal it must have felt. --------------------------------- The next time a stranger comes up and talks to me while I'm alone, I will look at them as if in shock and whisper quietly, "You can see me?!?" (ive actually done that lmao) ------------------------------ My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. I'm worried chitless. ------------------------------- Me: "Doctor, I feel unhealthy and depressed." Doc: "You should cut down on drinking." Me: "I don't drink." Doc: "Then you should cut down on smoking." Me: "I don't smoke." Doc: "Stop taking drugs." Me: "I don't do drugs." Doc: "Cut down on the womanizing." Me: "I'm not a womanizer." Doc: "OK then...................I suggest you pour yourself a drink, start smoking, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends." ---------------------------------- Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. -------------------------------- Cigarettes are like squirrels.............. They're perfectly safe until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire. --------------------------------- Me: "You're starting to act like my ex-wife." Wife: "You never told me you had an ex-wife." Me: "I don't." -------------------------------- My wife has a vagina that smells roses. But Rose's is tighter. ---------------------- LMAO shem shemdogg MAY 26, 11:08 PM Flyin solo here What’s the difference between “incomplete” and “finished”?? – A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he’s finished. ---------------------- Marriage is like a casino. -You go in exited and optimistic, but end up leaving drunk, broke, talking to yourself, and posting jokes on an online automotive forum. ------------------------- What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know, and I don't care. ----------------------- Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really concerned, but not as much as the other people in the elevator. --------------------- A dude is lost on an ivy league campus He stops someone and asks, "Excuse me. Where's the library at?" They respond, "My good fellow. This is an ivy league university. Here we do not end our sentences with a preposition." The dude looks shocked and embarrassed. "I am so sorry. I seem to have forgotten myself. I meant to ask, 'Where's the library at, assh0le?'" ------------------------ sarcastic responses You seem to be suffering from delusions of adequacy. I smell something burning. Are you trying to think again? You're like a lighthouse in a desert: bright but not very useful. It's impossible to underestimate you. I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one. You're the reason tubes of toothpaste have instructions on them. I don't have the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you I'd invite you to a battle of wits but you're unarmed. shem shemdogg JUN 06, 09:45 AM A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone, and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit, so you can know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you! ----------------------------- An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is long enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they're getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "Youre not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, and don't file papers. DO YOU HEAR ME? She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares. ---------------------------- Did you hear about the two California Valley girls who died in a drive-in movie? They went to see “Closed for Winter.” -------------------------------- If Kenneth slaps you at high frequency... IT FOCKING HERTZ --------------------------------- Foreskin came from our forefathers Rumpelstiltskin came from cold winters and the glory of inebriation. --------------------------------- I don't understand the concept of foreskin. It goes right over my head. --------------------------------- An old man went to the pharmacist and said... "Look, I'm having a little trouble performing with my wife. Do they make any pills that can help with that?" The pharmacist replied, "Sure, that's more common than you may think. In fact I take Viagra myself for the same sort of thing." The old man asked. "Can you get it over the counter?" The pharmacist thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, probably if I took 2 or 3 of them at once." shem shemdogg JUN 19, 09:31 AM A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "UP NUTS!" And the patients complied by standing up and putting their right hands over their hearts. After the anthem, he yelled, "DOWN NUTS!" And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "CHEER NUTS!" They all broke out into applause and cheered rapturously. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the home team, the doctor yelled, "BOO NUTS!" All the patients complied by booing and catcalling. Comfortable with their responses, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hotdog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked, "What happened?" The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and hollered, "PEANUTS!" ---------------------------------------------------- A woman goes to her doctor's office to discuss a strange, new development: she has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh; they won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her that he'll get to the bottom of this and tells her not worry until he gets the test results back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots. The doctor says, "Ma'am, you are perfectly healthy; there is no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend that biker guy who was in the waiting room?" The woman stammers, "Why, yes. But how did you know?" "Tell him that his earrings aren't real gold." ---------------------------------------------------- Do counterfeit Viagra pills constitute erection fraud? --------------------------------------------------- Lois lane was lying in her deathbed, with her husband Clark Kent beside her After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.” “You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman! Even if you didn’t know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.” “Oh thank God!” said Lois. “ I can’t tell you what a weight that is off my chest.” “Glad we cleared that up,” said Clark. “So I guess this means you were Batman too.” ------------------------------------------------------- Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist ----------------------------------------------- I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless shem maryjane JUN 19, 10:58 AM I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper. ..................................................................... Fortunately tho, I have at times in my life, had a strange addiction to soap. I'm clean now.