The Joke Thread (Page 17/36) MidEngineManiac APR 23, 09:48 PM Some girl on Facebook posted about how Mothers Day is coming, and men better watch out. All women are going to prioritize and empower themselves. I asked if she could please prioritize and empower in the kitchen, and get me a sandwich and beer while she was in there. I'll be out of Facebook jail in 30 days. Just in time for that sandwich and beer. shemdogg APR 28, 11:27 AM Lmao thats awesome. One year my camping/wetbiking buddy got a rv and I asked him how he liked it driving that monstrosity(with a trailer lol). He said he loved it becuase he could tell his lady to go make him a sandwich while theyre on the road lol. I was a chubby kid. My parents sent me to fat camp. I was nervous, but my big brother said, "As soon as you get there, slap the fattest kid you see. No one will mess with you then.” I get off the bus at fat camp and some kid runs straight up and slaps me. A man finds a bottle on the shore and takes it back him home intent on washing it, He opens the stopper and ‘whoosh!’ out comes a genie. “Thank you,” says the genie,” I am grateful to you and you will be rewarded. But I can only give one wish.” The man thinks and he says, “Listen, I have never been to Norway, but am terrified of flying, get seasick and you wouldn’t get me in a tunnel because I am claustrophobic. I yearn to see the mountains and fjords so much, always have since I was a young boy. So could you build me a bridge over to Norway?” The genie thinks and shakes his head, “Sorry, but that would be too difficult even for a genie, all that piling, getting the sea floor surveyed alone would tax me too much, then there’s all those miles and miles of road, and then how best to support it depends on what bit of the floor it is on – no, sorry, I can’t do it, you’ll need to ask another wish.” “Okay, I did think that was a long shot. Listen, there is something I ‘d like to be able to do, can you make me understand women – their feelings, their needs, their wants, their emotions and all. I’d love to be able to do that.” The genie frowns. “Do you want two lanes or four?” Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide… The first old guy says to the second guy, ‘Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.’ The second old guy says, ‘That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’ The first old guy says, ‘Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?’ ‘ The second old guy says, ‘Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’ To which the first old guy says, ‘Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.’ Advice to Gen Z from the TOP Stay in vegetables. Don't do school. Eat all your drugs. Thank you, Mr. President! Telegraph; 1830's or so. YAYYY we can read messages sent by wire! Telephone; 1876. YAY, now we can talk to each other, instead of reading text. 1990's to present; back to text messaging. YAY, I really didn't want to talk anyway. shem Valkrie9 APR 28, 12:54 PM tbone42 APR 30, 08:42 PM Oh all my jokes are probably too dirty for this pristine forum dedicated to the greatest car I have ever owned... But here's one that the kids may like: What's the difference between swine flu and avian flu? If you have swine flu, you need oinktment. If you have avian flu, you need tweetment. 🤡 maryjane MAY 01, 12:53 AM OldsFiero MAY 01, 08:08 AM What do you get when you run over a canary with a lawnmower? Shredded tweet cliffw MAY 01, 09:09 AM Here is one my Wife and I thought up while working bot menus while calling for information.My Wife told me to call her on my way home, if I want dinner. I called her but got her answering bot. It said ... if you are my Husband, press 1. If you are another member of our family, press 2. If you are a salesman, hang up. After pressing 1, I was asked if I wanted her to make dinner. If you do, press one, if not, press 2. If you want to take me out for dinner, press 3. Again I pressed 1. I had choices. If you want steak, press 1. If you want beef stew, press 2. If you want fried chicken, press 3. If you want spaghetti , press 4. If you would like something else, press 5. The bot then asked what I would like as side dishes. Being allowed to choose more than one. For mashed potatoes, press1. For Texas fried potato fries, press 2. For spinach, press 3. For broccoli, press 4 For cauliflower, press 5. For brussel sprouts, press 6. The bot then asked me ... If you want dessert, press 1. If I wanted ... I lost my appetite. TheDigitalAlchemist MAY 01, 11:17 PM Doctor: "You're as fit as a horse..." Me: "That's GREAT!" Doctor: "...a horse with stage 4 cancer..." whoopsie! shemdogg MAY 03, 08:12 PM If reincarnation was real, I'd come back as a table cloth I'd get laid three times a day and pulled off at night ------------------------- Stop calling it artificial intelligence The more accurate term is 'intelligence substitute'. -------------------------- We used to get plastic straws in paper Now we get paper straws wrapped in plastic -------------------------- Horrific Exercise in Unbridled Capitalism Yup. Last week I boarded this gigantic ship and spent the week sailing around the Caribbean. This massive ship burned literally tons of fossil fuel, and the worst part is... it dropped me off right back where we started! But you know the weird part is, even though we were floating around pumping all these greenhouse gasses into the environment, everyone on board seemed very happy. In fact, everyone seemed to love participating in this egregious form of Capitalism. And of the 61 different countries represented, not one of the persons I talked to was from a socialist country. Not very scientific I know. But worth noting. Almost every color and creed you could imagine were represented--even Bud Light drinkers-- and yet we all got along famously. All while indulging in pure full-on Capitalism. I also noticed the ship made damn sure no illegals boarded either. I guess allowing unauthorized people to overwhelm the ship's facilities is no way to run a business... --------------------------- What do legos and boobs have in common? They are both made for kids but daddies usually play with them. shem cliffw MAY 05, 09:28 PM My Wife told me we have to go see the Dr. That it was time for our annual check ups. After examining me, he said "I am going to have to run some tests". "I am going to have to do some blood draws, get urine samples, and examine cultures". I asked "What ?". My Wife responded saying, "he needs to inspect your under ware".