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| The Joke Thread (Page 16/36) |
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Valkrie9
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APR 09, 08:10 AM
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Valkrie9
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APR 12, 11:40 AM
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That's funny, and why I enjoyed the movie Happy Gilmore.
No. 6 at Arnold Palmer
Golf makes me interested in dimples. unnngh !
There was this time, late '70s down in the ravine, par 5. Eagle.
' For real, that's no joke '
Oh my gosh ! It went in !
Money Shot
Start it up !
Trying on outfits, offscreen
Ah, dreams of hitting it, far, far harder.
Hitting it farther, making it feel better.
From all around the planet, comments are still coming in...[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 04-16-2023).]
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shemdogg
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APR 12, 07:43 PM
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I was Moving Pictures the other day when my wife
decided to get her hair done with Permanent Waves. She gave me a Caress of Steel, but I wasn't picking up her Signals. It was getting late, 2112 military time, so I decided to Fly by Night and said A Farewell to Kings and chose to Exit Stage Left. She asked what's the Rush? It's not like we live in different Hemispheres. So exercising my Freewill, I decided to stay and we've been Closer to the Heart ever since.
I called the Tinnitus help line,
Nobody answered, it just kept ringing
I didn't think I'd ever be turned on by
population statistics.........................but I eventually came to my census.
An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a dude walking by. “Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?”
“Sure, buddy,” says the dude, rooting around his pocket.
“That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?”
The dude snaps to attention and says, “No, sir!”
Why do they call it a 'tampon'?
'Beaver dam' was already taken.
A man is in recovery after surgery, when a young nurse comes to check on him. Through his oxygen mask, he asks the nurse in a muffled voice, "Are my testicles black?"
The inexperienced nurse decides to ignore the patient's strange question, but after few moments he asks her again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
So she pulls back the blanket, lifts his gown, moves his penis aside and looks at his testicles.
"Your testicles are just fine, Sir, there is nothing wrong with them."
The man slowly reaches up, removes his oxygen mask, smiles and says, "I appreciate that, but what I wanted to know was, are my test results back?"
shem
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Valkrie9
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APR 14, 07:29 AM
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Bartenders
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Valkrie9
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APR 16, 03:39 AM
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Valkrie9
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APR 16, 06:36 AM
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Methane propelled Manure Spreader-Repellent Sprayer, for the unsane motorists in BC, and other jurisdictions.
Yeah, 5 lbs of turd spray in return for road-ragers imbecilic goof moves while driving, and at other times.
Caution is warranted in some states.
Hoo Haw, imported from Texas.
Be cool, may result in escalation by the flipped out section 8s.
Be ready, because you have to be ready at all times, wary and prepared.
Things are getting weird out there.
Winners...yeah, right.
Rager follows you home...
Things are messed up, people seem to be freaking out far too often, on camera even.
Endless, and growing psychotics outbreak, like, they were injected with an alien substance and are assimilating into zombie hordes.
Maybe, divorce and restraining order is necessary, to keep the peace.
I'm thinking, some of these imbeciles need to be detained for observation, potential serials, of some kind.
Yeah, a strait jacket, some nice mellow sedatives and a few days of relaxed dialog with Ai tests for uh.. scanning.
lol
You know, you know, the government owes you 55mph for 75% of the time you have been driving, for your entire life.
[This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 04-16-2023).]
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shemdogg
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APR 17, 09:28 AM
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I went to the pharmacy and told the pharmacist,a longtime friend of the family, that I needed some cyanide. (I want to kill my wife!)
She said, "I can't sell you cyanide, that's illegal and I could go to jail!"
I reached into my pocket and handed her a pic of her husband with my wife.
She said, "Oh! I didn't know you had a prescription!"
My wife keeps a spray can of Cedar air freshener in the bathroom.
So, instead of it smelling like someone chit in there, it smells like someone chit on a stack of freshly cut firewood in there.
The attractive cashier told me ,"Strip down, facing me."
By the time I realized she meant the debit card, it was too late.
"How much of an allowance did you get as a teenager per week?"
"I was allowed to live there."
Dumplings imply the existence of one large Dumple.
Life is basically trying to avoid people that have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40- and 41-degrees north latitude and between 59- and 60-degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!!!”
shem[This message has been edited by shemdogg (edited 04-17-2023).]
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Valkrie9
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APR 19, 06:35 PM
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^^
' A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost... '
That's a good one.
Get a Grip !
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otakudude
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APR 19, 08:26 PM
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| quote | Originally posted by Valkrie9:
Jen
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Third base!
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shemdogg
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APR 23, 08:48 PM
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I like to say "mucho" when I'm around Mexicans
It means a lot to them.
Spanish athlete Beatriz Flamini emerged after almost no contact with the outside world during her impressive feat of human endurance.
Almost as long as Brandon did when campaigning in 2019.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there,” answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.”
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
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I used to believe that sticks & stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.
Then I got smacked with a dictionary.
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On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a businessman stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Well-dressed, tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet-black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
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The little meek gay guy has a crush on a proctologist. He sets up an appointment for an exam.
As he walks in, the doctor asks what his problem is...
Little guy says i have a pain in my tussey...
Doc has him disrobe and starts the exam, finds a stem sticking out of the little guys ass
My bloody weird, you have a stem coming out your anus.
Doctor starts pulling, more stem, more stem, finally a red rose appears..
Doc says you had a red rose up your ass
Little guy yells, Read the card, read the card!
shem[This message has been edited by shemdogg (edited 04-23-2023).]
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