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| The Joke Thread (Page 14/36) |
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Valkrie9
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FEB 22, 05:14 AM
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'32 Ford.
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shemdogg
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FEB 25, 09:12 AM
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LMAO that was good, def sounds like he says douche in the song lol.
More groaners coming up
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It's called wedding cake.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.
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A guy in my town was shot yesterday while holding a starter's pistol.
They suspect the crime was race related.
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"My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a transformer.
I said, No, wait! I can change!"
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An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding..
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you, but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
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Where does dill bread come from?
Dill dough
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Q. What is white, higher than a weather balloon and owned by China?
A. Hunter Biden
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They started playing **** at the fuel pumps....
This is so you can watch someone else being screwed at the same time as you.
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A man steps into a bar...
... and orders a beer. ‟o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please.”
The Bartender responds ‟Hey buddy.. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a blowjob. I suggest you try the same.”
After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves. The next day the man comes to the bar again. ‟o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please.”
The bartender chuckles ‟My suggestion did not work, did it?”
The man responds ‟n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house
shem
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Valkrie9
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FEB 25, 02:48 PM
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What are the odds ?
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shemdogg
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FEB 26, 10:56 AM
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I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…
she asked me to move out with her.
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A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
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Before I was born, God gave me two options:
A good memory or a big penis. I don't remember which one I chose.
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"My wife was complaining about how I never stand up for myself.
I got so pissed off, I almost said something."
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They have finally discovered the origin of the word "vegan".
It is apparently an old Indian word for "bad hunter"
shem 
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williegoat
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FEB 26, 01:15 PM
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I nominate shemdogg for the Henny Youngman Award.
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MidEngineManiac
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MAR 01, 10:40 AM
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shemdogg
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MAR 04, 09:27 PM
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Humbly accepted!
Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse. On one side of the store are lumbering,
ugly things with mucus coming out their noses, dragging themselves around.
Then, on the other side.........................................................................................................
are the zombies.
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Carrots may be good for your eyes, but.....
Alcohol can double your vision.
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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.
poof All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift. Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.
Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so many people just ignored me standing there.
Man: don’t worry about it! That’s just what good people do.
After a few minutes driving the man leans over,
Man: Hey, I have this sandwich here, ya want some?
Jesus: wow, thank you sir, that’s so kind of you! I’d love some.
A few more minutes pass and the man leans over again,
Man: Hey I have a few beers in the cooler back there, want one?
Amazed by the man’s kindness Jesus replies,
Jesus: wow sure! I’d love one. Thank you again.
After a few more miles down the road the man looks around suspiciously and says,
Man: hey…I uh, have a little joint here. Want to take a few puffs with me?
Jesus pauses for a second and replies,
Jesus: ya know what, why not!
So the man and Jesus drive down the road smoking the fattest joint listening to music and having a good time. Finally, Jesus speaks up,
Jesus: okay listen! I can’t keep quiet any longer! You have been so kind, so nice, I want to tell you…I’m Jesus! God sent me down here to help the people and you’ve just been so kind. What can I do to repay you? Anything!
The man looks at Jesus with a nodding grin on his face and says, “Good sh%$, huh?”
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My Chinese neighbors had waffles for breakfast yesterday.
Those bastards, I loved that cat.
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What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.
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Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 4 inches, which only goes to show how big the Chinese population has been getting.
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An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
"If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand solemnly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You bang her again."
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An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot. "Lord", he prayed,"I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.
Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."
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What do you call a car with OCD ?
Arrange Rover
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I just started a support group for people with OCD.
We meet five times a day.
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Apple has a new invention!
They have figured out a way to put speakers inside of silicone breast implants. They call it the "E-boob".
Now they have finally put an end to the age-old problem of women complaining that men stare at their boobs, but don't listen to them.
shem
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Valkrie9
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MAR 06, 10:01 PM
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maryjane
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MAR 07, 08:14 AM
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Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X. She's never coming back and don't ask Y.
A slice of pie is $2.50 USD in Jamaica and $3.50USD in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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maryjane
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MAR 07, 10:42 PM
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Sundays, for some people, always seem a little sad.
But the day before... is a sadder day.
What's Irish and stays outside all year?
Paddy O' Furniture.
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