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| The Joke Thread (Page 12/36) |
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shemdogg
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JAN 21, 01:38 PM
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Twice at different lumber yards I was mistaken for an employee lol
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I’ve been his customer for five years. I never knew he was a barber.
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Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there’s no dental records.
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I'm at Walmart scanning and bagging almost $300 worth of groceries while the associate who wants $15 an hour "monitors me" and then this happened.
Associate - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?
Me - excuse me?
Associate - you are wasting our bags!
Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.
Associate - that's not my job!
Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's alright with you.
Associate - why are you using two bags?!
Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.
Associate - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.
*10 seconds of me just staring at her.
Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.
Associate - exactly.
Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.
Associate - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.
*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.
Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.
Associate- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.
*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.
Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?
Associate- never mind you just don't get it.
And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.
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My neighbor just got arrested
for growing marijuana.
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.
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They really should stock ATM’s better. I went to five different ones today and they all said insufficient funds.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The clerk showed him a card with the letters:
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the clerk asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, 'Hell, I know the guy!’
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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat.." He raised an eyebrow and replied,
If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
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A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond...
... feeling sad. He decides to go to a fortune teller in hopes of knowing his future.
The fortune teller tells him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”
Excited, the male frog questions the fortune teller, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”
The fortune teller continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months from now in a biology class.”.
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An elderly man goes to his doctor concerned about his wifes hearing. The doc suggests as a gauge to speak from a distance, moving closer until she hears him. He gets home and his wife is cooking dinner. He stands in the doorway and says, "honey whats for dinner?" No response is heard. He moves closer and tries again, nothing. Again moving closer, still no response. Now hes standing next to her and asks again, "honey whats for dinner?" The wife throws down the spatula, gives him an angry look and says
"FOR THE FOURTH F#$%^*G TIME WERE HAVING CHICKEN!"
shem
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Valkrie9
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JAN 21, 02:50 PM
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^
' Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, why hell, I know the guy! '
lol !
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OldsFiero
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JAN 23, 11:45 AM
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My Father in law worked with a Polish guy they simply called Henry Alphabet.
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Valkrie9
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JAN 23, 07:41 PM
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Piotr Budziszewski's younger brother, the cement truck guy.
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Valkrie9
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JAN 24, 12:12 AM
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What'll it be ?
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shemdogg
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JAN 24, 11:27 PM
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Run peter ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!
Thats no joke!
A woman asks her husband to go to the grocery store.
She says “buy a loaf of bread, and if they have avocados get six.”
An hour later, her husband returns with six loaves of bread. “They had avocados.” he explains.
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a se x therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” he asked.
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t,” she said.
“Yes, I did,” he told her.
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” she asked.
“Oh… she got fired too.”
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
shem
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Valkrie9
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FEB 06, 11:54 AM
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shemdogg
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FEB 06, 12:51 PM
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
“What was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied.
“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What in the world was that for?”
She replied, “Your horse called.”
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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…
“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.”
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Missing Unicorn. $200.00 reward
If found, please stop doing drugs
shem
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Valkrie9
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FEB 07, 12:37 AM
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Star Trek [This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 10-07-2023).]
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maryjane
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FEB 18, 02:06 AM
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You can easily distinguish between a crocodile and an alligator by whether the animal sees you later, or after while.
I once was going to slow cook an alligator but realized I only had a croc pot.
Someone once told me "Nothing rhymes with orange."
I replied "no it doesn't"[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 02-18-2023).]
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