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| The Joke Thread (Page 11/36) |
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cvxjet
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DEC 26, 10:20 PM
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Just came up with a new cartoon- I have been thinking of this for a while but had to get it to fit into a cartoon format;
 [This message has been edited by cvxjet (edited 12-26-2022).]
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Valkrie9
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DEC 27, 06:47 AM
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shemdogg
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DEC 28, 08:10 PM
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What do you call a rare Egyptian fart?
A toot uncommon
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What do you call a couple that farts together?
Toot in common.
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Two men are...
...playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the guys up.
One guy says to the other, "I'm gonna go ask them if we can play through." So, he takes off and gets about half way there, turns around and comes back without saying anything to the ladies. When he gets back his friend asks him what happened.
"One of those ladies is my wife, and the other is my mistress," he answered. "Why don't you go talk to them?"
So the other guy goes to talk with them but, again, about half way there he turns around and comes back. The first guy asks, "Now what happened?"
The second guy answers, "Small world."
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Now on sale at IKEA:
Lesbian beds!
No nuts or screwing involved...
It's all tongue and groove.
shem
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MidEngineManiac
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DEC 28, 09:19 PM
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Well, now that Valentines day is the next big holiday, It's time to bookmark that nice romantic song to send the wife on the morning of Feb 14th. (NSFW lyrics)
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shemdogg
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DEC 31, 09:33 PM
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The midget rancher
Once there was a midget rancher with a speech impediment in the market for a new mare. He finds one for sale, negotiates the price, and sets up an appointment to go check her out. The next day he pulls up to the farm where she is for sale in his F350 Dually and horse trailer and jumps out. He waddles up to the barn and meets the farmer.
"Hey mithter, I'm here to thee the horth," he says.
The farmer leads him over to her stall and they both lead her out of the barn where he can get a better look at her.
He looks up and says, "Wow, nithe horth! Would you mind if I thee her earths?"
The farmer says, "Go ahead..."
Don't be a thmart ath," says the midget. "I'm a midget. You have to pick me up tho I can thee."
So the farmer picks him up, even though he is quite heavy so he can see in her ears.
"Wow, nithe earths." and the farmer puts him down.
"I'd like to thee her eyeths..." The farmer lets out a sigh, bends down and again picks up the midget so he can see her eyes.
"Oooh, nithe eyeths." Again, the farmer puts him down.
"Can I thee her teeth?" Now the farmer is running out of patience, but he doesn't want to upset the little guy, so he exhales deeply and picks him up yet again.
"Man, nithe teeth!" The farmer, who's back is starting to hurt again puts him down with a grunt.
"Can I thee her mane?" he asks. Now the farmer has about had it, but figures there's not much more to see so this will be the last time, and he picks up the midget one last time to see her mane.
"Wow, nithe mane..." The farmer almost drops him but puts him back down. The midget then walks around behind the horse, looks up and asks, "Can I see her twat?"
The farmer is pissed at this point. He picks up the midget under one arm, lifts the tail with the other and stuffs the midget's head up inside the horse's wahoo so he can get a real good look. After a few seconds of the midget kicking and wiggling around, the farmer pops his head out and sets him back down.
The midget coughs, spits, and breathes deeply to get air back in his lungs. After he composes himself, he looks up at the farmer and says, "Perhapths I should rephrase that... would you mind if I see her wun awound a wittle bit?"
shem
Happy new year!
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Valkrie9
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JAN 06, 03:11 AM
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Two Please ! Jimmy Kimmel's show covered the guy.
' Oh !... You don't do butter ! '
Today, we are tasked with applying the additives, like, we work for the movie chain.
 [This message has been edited by Valkrie9 (edited 01-12-2023).]
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Valkrie9
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JAN 06, 06:39 AM
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shemdogg
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JAN 10, 01:19 PM
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor. So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant -- Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
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A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said, "Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said, “Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”
shem
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williegoat
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JAN 10, 02:00 PM
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| quote | Originally posted by shemdogg:
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said, "Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said, “Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”
shem |
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That actually happened to me twice, when I was delivering lumber. Once at a job sight where the lead carpenter mistook me for a guy he had just hired who never showed up, and once at a lumber yard while I was sitting on a bundle of plywood, waiting for the forklift driver to show up and unload me.
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OldsFiero
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JAN 17, 03:25 PM
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