The Joke Thread (Page 10/36)
cvxjet OCT 01, 09:27 PM
A Couple of Dog-themed cartoons I drew up;

[This message has been edited by cvxjet (edited 10-01-2022).]

Valkrie9 OCT 02, 12:50 PM
cvxjet OCT 02, 04:50 PM
That is hilarious! (I wouldn't.....Cut him off!)

[This message has been edited by cvxjet (edited 10-02-2022).]

shemdogg DEC 10, 04:17 PM
Van Gogh had lotsa cousins

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.


shem
MidEngineManiac DEC 10, 04:53 PM

quote
Originally posted by Valkrie9:




I am so stealing that
fierofool DEC 11, 02:03 PM
A new work policy required everyone in my department to wear safety glasses. Since my vision was starting to get a little blurry and I had trouble seeing up close, I opted to get prescription glasses.

When I finished my eye exam, the optometrist suggested I get bifocals because my work required closeup detail work as well as the need to see some distance away. So, that be, lined bifocals were ordered.

The company notified each of us as our glasses came in to the optometrist. When my appointment day came up, I went to the doctor and got my glasses. She told me that because was the first glasses I had ever had and the fact that they were bifocals, I shouldn't leave immediately. She suggested that I go out to the waiting room and grab a magazine and see how well I could read. I was amazed at how large the print in the magazine appeared. Also, I should step outside and see if my distant vision was good and when she finished with another patient or two, she would call me back in to be sure everything was OK. Suddenly, it didn't seem that I had walked so far from the parking lot.

So, I did what she said and it wasn't too long until I was called back. As I entered the exam room, she noticed that the front of my pants was soaked. She asked if I had spilled something while I was in the waiting room to which I told her that it was the result of needing to go to the restroom.

She said that there was a restroom down at the far end of the hall and I should have asked one of the staff about using it. I told her that I found the restroom alright but when I went to pee I pulled out a great big one. I knew that wasn't mine so I pushed it back in and that's when all hell broke loose.
fierofool DEC 12, 09:12 AM

The Methodist Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. There were a multitude living on the grounds and they were even becoming disruptive. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy.They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church, Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one of the male squirrels and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.
shemdogg DEC 12, 09:45 AM
Good stuff lol

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

My wife minored in psychology.
She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."

I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."

shem
shemdogg DEC 15, 11:51 PM
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it.

I know it’s hard to believe, but I saw it with my own eyes.
Male bees die after mating

That’s basically their life…
Honey, nut, cheerio.

People must not cough near you.

They must cough from far away. If you hear someone coughing, tell them to far cough.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Figs. Figs who?

Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!

shem
shemdogg DEC 22, 11:27 PM
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some ******* has my pen!"
-
What do you call someone who steals a Tesla?
Felon Musk
-
What do you call a criminal who laughs at
everything you say? Jimmy Felon

shem