My wife asked for a trial separation 2 weeks ago. She moves out this week to live with her brother till she works things out. I am a wreck and don't know how to deal with this. Just looking for people that have successfully been through this to give me some hope. Been together for 15 years and married for 6.
I can tell you is that most trial separations become permanent. Some right away, some take a few tries but they're pretty indicative of a basic flaw in the relationship.
For example, my separation was a "once and done" thing while my daughter went though four attempts at reconciliation before calling it quits.
The experts rate divorce right up there with the death of a spouse for stress and anxiety. Since I've been through both I can say I agree.
Good luck, I have not dealt with this, but friends have, it always ends, and only gives them time to get their ducks in a row to take you to the cleaners.. Again good luck.. Who she see'n on the side?
REALLY sorry, man - I know quite a few guys who went through it, and almost all of them ended up in a better place 3 years after it was all said and done. A few of them are in MUCH better places.
No kids? that makes things a lot easier.
Just keep posting here, stay social.
It will take time, but you will eventually come to realize that she wasn't who you thought she was, or she became someone that decided she wanted to travel on a different path.
Sorry, none of you pussies are going to ask.. They don't just leave.. maybe 0.0000001% do, but most have a side plan going before they walk.. better if he finds out before the end, than after the judge splits everything..
[This message has been edited by E.Furgal (edited 11-06-2017).]
Ok you know I came on here to talk with people and release some steam. My details of my marriage are mine. The cheating comments I am not going to address. I am not dumb I know what is going on. Cheating or not its non of your damn business. I didn't ask for that. I asked for a little hope. Sorry you may not understand but after 15 years its not something you just kiss away. This is also public if details came out she can use them. I just want to talk about others experiences.
I know it may sound cliche' but Everything happens for a reason! It may not seem like it in the moment but hopefully you will gain some clarity with the passage of time. In the meanwhile, pour yourself into your passions and maybe even be a little selfish. It sounds like maybe you could use a little self pampering. Remember, the man upstairs never gives you more than you can handle...
van the man upstairs hates me. there is no self pampering all I am focused on now is getting things sorted. I am in search for second job right now. Spending time with friends. I am just coping. I am make in therapy as well. I am an emotional guy. Yea call me a pussy if you want. I am very emotional and for years it made things better cause I was able to help her. Well right now we are working on hardening me.
tstang, I am sorry to hear this. I was married to my first wife for 34 years. It was devastating to find out she had a boyfriend, after all, that time together. And it was her high school sweetheart. I don't know and really don't want to know if there is a 3rd person involved. What counts is that you are hurting. I can certainly understand that.
If you think that there might be a chance to get back together, then I would suggest that you go to counselling and hopefully, your wife will too. If there is not going to be a reconciliation then it is best to move on with your life. Either way, if you can find a divorce recovery group it might help. I had several friends who were counsellors in divorce recovery. They got me into groups and out in public again. They also directed me to counselling sessions that lasted about 10 weeks, one day a week. It was the best thing I could have done.
I wish you well and want you to know that you are not alone. Reach out. There are people and groups more than willing to help you.
Sorry, none of you pussies are going to ask.. They don't just leave.. maybe 0.0000001% do, but most have a side plan going before they walk.. better if he finds out before the end, than after the judge splits everything..
I've got agree with this. All the friends and family members I know that went through this, there was always somebody else.
Ok you know I came on here to talk with people and release some steam. My details of my marriage are mine. The cheating comments I am not going to address. I am not dumb I know what is going on. Cheating or not its non of your damn business. I didn't ask for that. I asked for a little hope. Sorry you may not understand but after 15 years its not something you just kiss away. This is also public if details came out she can use them. I just want to talk about others experiences.
I don't expect you to comment on it, but you better look into it, before the S.H.T.F..
Sorry if it was harsh, but buckle up cupcake, it's going to be a hard road to hoe, either face it head on or get run over by her lawyer.. your choice.. If you didn't want replies you shouldn't have posted, I watched a good friend get racked over the coals as he thought she never do that.. hopefully it all work out..for you.. but that reply above hints there is more to this than you want to believe is going on.. good luck, you are going to need it, I hope there are no kids. As it is hell on them..
[This message has been edited by E.Furgal (edited 11-06-2017).]
I don't have any experience to share, but had friends that went through it.
I don't know a single one that has ever 'repaired' a relationship after a divorce or separation. I'm not saying it can happen, but I have never witness it.
Hopefully there isn't kids involved, but if there are, that is where the focus should be I would think.
I think it is wise to prepare yourself with a new chapter in your life that most likely will be a very limited one with your current wife.
I don't expect you to comment on it, but you better look into it, before the S.H.T.F..
Sorry if it was harsh, but buckle up cupcake, it's going to be a hard road to hoe, either face it head on or get run over by her lawyer.. your choice.. If you didn't want replies you shouldn't have posted, I watched a good friend get racked over the coals as he thought she never do that.. hopefully it all work out..for you.. but that reply above hints there is more to this than you want to believe is going on.. good luck, you are going to need it, I hope there are no kids. As it is hell on them..
If you think that there might be a chance to get back together, then I would suggest that you go to counselling and hopefully, your wife will too. If there is not going to be a reconciliation then it is best to move on with your life. Either way, if you can find a divorce recovery group it might help. I had several friends who were counsellors in divorce recovery. They got me into groups and out in public again. They also directed me to counselling sessions that lasted about 10 weeks, one day a week. It was the best thing I could have done.
I wish you well and want you to know that you are not alone. Reach out. There are people and groups more than willing to help you.
Here ill put this out so it just will help. For the last year and a half she has been fighting depression. I also fought it 5 years ago and know the signs. I am pushing her to get help. Well advising cause she is currently walled up. No emotions at all. Yes frugal you want to know. She plays world of Warcraft losses herself in it for hours a night. got into the rp world made a male friend. She had no friends so this friendship came out of know where. I did not like it we fought. we have been fighting for a while about it. Finally she is torn and something this friend is saying is making her feel she will escape her depression if she focuses more on that world. She watches videos on rabbit with him. He messages her day and night hours at a time. He is separated living in a trailer with his ex and two kids. She started to drift as we fought. She never once hid the friendship. I just feel it grew way to fast. Now she is leaving to sort things out. I feel its more then likely going to end. I am just trying my best to stay positive. She's leaving to live with her brother and is leaving her cat that means the world to her. So I know her mind is not in the right place. She wants to escape and hopes things will sort themselves out. Its not helping her entire family turned on her.
Very sorry to see anyone go through this hell. I got divorced 10 years ago. Have three kids. She started talking with a guy at work. She started acting very shut in always texting on her phone., ignoring me and the kids. She would take off and go to "Wal-Mart" and stay gone for many hours. And other "places" as well. After a while I got suspicious and went through her phone. Had to use a good opportunity considering she would sleep with the damn thing and never left her sight. Well what I seen on that phone was more shocking than I ever dreamed I would see.
After getting caught she took off to stay with her boyfriend and left me and the kids. She would stop by and see the kids for a few minutes a couple times a week . The whole thing was devastating. I wanted custody but my lawyer said I didn't have a chance in hell.
The entire experience was life changing and devastating. I came out ok in the end but in all honesty I never was the same. I came out pretty jaded and to this day I will NEVER get married again. It's just not worth it.
imsa no. she wont seek medical help at all. She is stuck on she can do it on her own. She came from an abusive home her dad beat the hell out of her mother daily. She never once went to a dr for mental help. She feels she can hide from her emotions and they will work out if given time.
its one of the worst parts. I can tell he is effecting her thinking. She is shutting me out when I am needed most to help her. What ever I say is just for me she feels. She dose not want me worrying or trying to help her. She has been doing things that just don't fit her normal behavior. As I said even her family dose not understand whats going on. He has created that environment that the only one she has to talk to now is him.
I am deeply sorry to learn of this. I have no real advice with the exception of this. You can not separate the emotion from the situation, we're human and it's part of our make up. But, you can only control so much. Work on what you can control. She's got to work out what's most important to her. Her moving out (IMHO) only gives her more time to play the game and gives her suitor more open opportunity to make his moves. You can not control that.
She is obviously the focus of your life but, that is not apparently true for her. Are there any children in the marriage? If so, they should be your focus.
Again, you can't control the situation, she's going to do what she wants to do. That's made clear by her words and actions. I'd suggest marriage counseling but, that takes two wiling parities. That doesn't appear to be the situation. Getting a second job may help your financial situation but, it most surely won't help your marital situation. Leaves her with more alone time and based on what you've said, that may be part of the problem. It takes two to make a successful marriage or partnership. Both have to want to make it work.
I'm not suggesting that you resign yourself to losing this woman but, she has to want to come back. Do what you need to do to protect yourself without burning any bridges.
My X dropped the I'm leaving in 1983 after 7 years. She found a better "deal". She never gave me a reason. It took two phone calls from me to find out who, what and where. She had the affair for two years previously. Her Mr. Wonderful, she though had money, but everything was rented, leased or borrowed etc. She did marry him and that broke up after three years. In those years they must have relocated more than a dozen times as he jumped from job to job. I retired 15 years ago while she is still working.
'Trial' usually results in a divorce. Just get it over with and move on and youll be a lot happier and better off. My own trial was a day. I decided to leave and by evening I had my car packed and on my way 1,000 miles away...where she couldnt ever bug me again. This was before cell phones so there was no contact for 40 years and I was fantastic with that.
Her brother did exactly what I thought would happen. Just before she moved was all packed he said no go. I was getting a lot better with the thought she was going. Now the limbo is back and it needs to end. I told her she needs to go. She is still trying to be friends throught this which is making it worse.
Went through this twice in the last 30 years. Contrary to what many others are saying, this can be a good thing for your marriage. It gives you time to step back and really look at your relationship and time to consider what you can do to help make it better. Depression is a very destructive force in any relationship, this might be her first major step in trying to fight it. There does not have to be another person involved to make someone need to get away from a relationship for a time. Weak minds always come to this conclusion first. My experience with a separation is, after several years, a positive one. We both made changes to strengthen our marriage and are still together to this day. Don't do anything foolish. Try communicating with her without smothering her. Give her a chance to think all this out in her head in her own time. Use this time to work on your own issues and try to come out on the other side a stronger and better husband. I'll be glad to talk with you if you want. Best of luck on surviving the toughest situation you may ever face.
Her brother did exactly what I thought would happen. Just before she moved was all packed he said no go. I was getting a lot better with the thought she was going. Now the limbo is back and it needs to end. I told her she needs to go. She is still trying to be friends throught this which is making it worse.
I hope my advice is useful... it's based on my experiences, so your mileage may vary.
I've dated a few people seriously before I got married, and break-ups were always hard. There was one that was particularly hard... circumstances were different. I'm pretty sure the girl cheated on me, but I never really suspected it until after... but never the less, I broke up with her and she was devastated. I was relieved and just wanted to get away.
What I did when things ended was focus ENTIRELY on myself. It was sort of a "rebuilding" if you will. I started working out again, became financially responsible again, and stuck to a routine. Life was excellent...
I'm not saying this is what's going to happen, but there is a decision that you'll have to make... at what point do you decide that you no longer want to be part of this misery, and you want to move on?
I'm really trying to put this properly into words... but life is short. I'm not saying you should be uncaring or inconsiderate, but why should you both be miserable because of problems she has that she doesn't want to fix?
... at some point, you need to decide if you've done all you can do. Get your life back, focus on yourself for a change, and restart your life again.
Again, I hope you don't mind me saying any of this, and I hope you take it as I mean it with sincerity.
that's where I am right now. Focuisng on myself more and more each day. I have been texting friends and family more the silly stuff I would send her. slowly talking to her less and less. Letting her go. As they say if its ment to be set it free. That's where I am. I am still a mess and devastated. I built this life around both of us. Her leaving hit me like a ton of bricks. Its a wake up ill fix my issues as well.
that's where I am right now. Focuisng on myself more and more each day. I have been texting friends and family more the silly stuff I would send her. slowly talking to her less and less. Letting her go. As they say if its ment to be set it free. That's where I am. I am still a mess and devastated. I built this life around both of us. Her leaving hit me like a ton of bricks. Its a wake up ill fix my issues as well.
Hang in there man, you have the right attitude here ^^^^^
Originally posted by E.Furgal: Who she see'n on the side?
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Originally posted by E.Furgal: Sorry, none of you pussies are going to ask.. They don't just leave.. maybe 0.0000001% do, but most have a side plan going before they walk.. better if he finds out before the end, than after the judge splits everything..
Good job E.Furgal, I agree on both counts.
Tstang429, a lot of good advice and love from your Fiero friends here. We are a lucky bunch, blessed.
My thoughts are ... she should have wanted counseling before a separation. I think a counselor would be the one to recommend separation.
My thoughts are ... never take back tainted goods. If she has been with another man, she does not love you. A slight side thought. Cheating is like domestic violence. It only gets worse. Especially when it is accepted by the other significant.
My thoughts are ... take great solace in the pain in your heart. It is the measure of the love you are capable of, and experienced. It does not always work out. Sometimes it could be death. Pain is there for a reason. It warns the body and mind.
I had a gal that cheated on me. I 'found out' because I knew something was not right. I wished her happiness but later took her back. She said she was sorry, only to do it again, a year later.
I was a wreck too, both times. I threw myself into work, double shifts/hitches (week on, week off). I did not want to be alone or self medicate. It didn't help the pain in my heart though it actually did. Being focused on other things is good. Perhaps try volunteering. The hospital, homeless shelters, Veterans centers. There are many other places which need help.
You would be surprised at the joy you bring to the hearts of others and it comes back two fold. Maybe three fold, as it opens up a whole new life. With good women ... sorry, I know you said you have a 15 year investment.
Tstang429, I feel your pain. My wife of 15 years also wants a separation. Not on the advice of a marriage counselor. Fine. I am not good enough. She wants to change me. I have hope, she calls me every day, asks me to come over (there is always something which she needs done, )
I had a gal that cheated on me. I 'found out' because I knew something was not right. I wished her happiness but later took her back. She said she was sorry, only to do it again, a year later.
I 'found out' because I got Chlamydia. Hahah....
She was devastated when I broke up with her though, but even then it didn't even occur to me she had cheated on me. I was young... and then years later it was like.... Ooooh yeah, that's how that works.
Well we will see what happens. She has a new apartment lined up and signs the lease Friday. Things have been getting a lot better. I know she has not physically cheated. Her work hours are steady she never leaves the damn house. One of our issues. Things calmed and more has come to light. We have had a horrible year with a lot of fighting. The main reason she is looking to leave is cause of all the fighting. not physical all verbal. I have made it clear that this separation will not drag on for a long time frame. I am willing to give some space but times is a wasting. I am giving her space she is starting to reach out to me again. We have set a set of guidelines for the separation, but as time grows and things adjust I am starting to get fed up. I am not happy at the little amount she is willing to put into it at this point. She is putting more in and said she is getting medical help for her health.
Tough call here, I see a lot of advice and support in terms of you actually being alone. I don't know you or your full situation, but I wanted to offer my two cents.
I've had 3 different relationships that each lasted 5 years. I'm currently at the beginning of an amazing experience, one year in, with my current love interest. So I am not exactly experienced in terms of marriage, but am certainly oriented to have my "happily ever after".
My experiences so far, have all shown me the same thing. Communication is of utmost importance. Several factors to consider in terms of "making it work". You mentioned sharing funny texts in the past, keeping contact up like this, among other ways, goes a long way. Swallow your pride sometimes. We all seem to suffer on this part, as men. Being stubborn to the point of arguing/fighting. The sooner you swallow your pride, the less heated the arguments get. Pride also gets in the way, as you're giving her space and she is finally making an effort to reach out. Don't get defensive, but be proactive. Progress is often done in baby steps at this point. It's so easy to throw one small gesture back at someone who is "putting you through all of this". Try being supportive with an idea that you normally get combative about. Be sympathetic when she does open up to explain her emotions.
These are really the core values we often find in our best friendships. That buddy who would bend over backwards for ya when hard times fall. People you truly trust. Communication is the basis upon which we build our friendships, starting with those first impressions.
When you live with someone for any length of time, communication is what really slows down first. So start it back up and give it a fair chance, listen to her with intent and concern, and it will only improve from there if it is truly worth fighting for.
I started to improve my own communication skills, especially after I took a long, hard look into understanding insecurity. My own, and of those around me. Insecurity is a real killer and it goes a long way to recognize it as the underlying cause of anyone's detrimental action.
It can be healed and improved, and it's upon you to make that effort.
If things should not work out after a genuine effort is made, then life will open up new experiences for you. I've learned to accept that the loved ones we lose, are often a wonderful experience to cherish as a part of our lives, even if we hoped it would span our whole lives. As a true dog lover, you learn that even the best of things never last forever. But they can still be an amazing part of your life.
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