Reinventing Romance: Life Without Sex For one reason or another, many midlife women are suffering a shortage of sex. What gives, and how can we fix it? By Sherry Amatenstein, LMSW
"I have many fond memories of sex," recalls Laurie Berk, a 44-year-old never-married Chicago surgeon. "The problem is that all I have are memories, and a too frequently used vibrator."
Laurie would classify herself as a reluctant celibate. She's not alone: According to a poll conducted by firstwivesworld.com, a social networking site for uncoupled women, 55 percent of the 10,000 divorcees surveyed are having no sex at all. For many the problem isn't necessarily a lack of opportunities, but rather a dearth of appealing ones. Lori explains, "I'm tired of being hit on by men in their late 50s. I'm not looking for marriage, but a guy has to be really attractive for me to consider giving it up."
Single mother Jodi Seidler's sex siesta is also self-imposed and deeply frustrating. In the 12 years since her divorce, the 53-year-old Los Angeles-based founder of makinglemonade.com, an online resource for single parents, has had her share of liaisons, but "booty calls" no longer interest her. "The old me would have jumped into something quickly, but the emotional damage it would do to get physically involved too quickly isn't worth it," she says. Instead, she watches her 18-year-old son Sam's nascent sexual life with bemusement. "He tells me about hooking up.... I had condoms in my drawer and offered them to Sam, explaining I didn't think I needed them." Like Laurie, she's having trouble finding a man who's condom-worthy: "My 40-plus friends and I keep ourselves in shape. We're in our prime, but men our age seem to be going downhill."
Other women experiencing a midlife draught find that the problem is lack of mutual attraction: the men they pine for don't return the sentiment, and vice versa. Mary Kellender, a 53-year-old New Jersey fulltime mother complains, "I'm in a black hole age-wise. Men my age date younger women, and I don't want to be the trophy wife of someone in his 60s."
What's a Sex-Starved Woman to Do?
But what if your urge is more for steamy sex than for emotional intimacy? Dr. Goldberg believes the solution begins with identifying your "type." He suggests a woman spend time "doing personal research as to what kind of lovers she prefers -- younger guys, age-appropriate guys, racially diverse guys, et cetera. Nowadays there are numerous guys in their 20s who would be happy to be with an older woman." In other words, focus on what you want until you find it; there's bound to be a match out there.
It's hard to find the connection you're looking for if you're not in touch with your innermost needs. "The issue really is the confusion between romantic and fusion longings and sexuality," says Dr. Herb Goldberg, Professor of Psychology at California State University and author of What Men Still Don't Know About Women, Relationships, and Love. "A woman needs to identify what she is looking for. If that's a relationship, she needs to get in touch -- perhaps via counseling -- with what she may be contributing to not having one."
Spooked at the thought of sex with a stranger? "Get over your preconceptions," advises Lisa Daily, the author of Stop Getting Dumped! All You Need to Know to Make Men Fall in Love with You and Marry "The One" in 3 Years or Less. The fixed ideas you've clung to for years may be thwarting your sexual satisfaction at midlife. "If you've avoided no-strings sex [in the past], this might be the time to explore a more -- ahem -- casual relationship," Daily suggests. "You don't have to be in love to have sex. You don't even have to have a second date!"
Maryann Karinch, co-author of the forthcoming The Date Decoder, concurs. "Women think it's cheap to be like Samantha Jones in Sex and the City," she explains, "but that's exactly the role model they should have if they want nothing more than physical intimacy."
However, if a onetime fling still seems too cold, a friends-with-benefits scenario might do the trick. It works for 51-year-old single father Jim Garth. The long-divorced Los Angeles public relations executive admits that, like many guys, he relishes all the booty calls he can accrue. "My friend-with-benefits, Simone, comes over once a month for sushi and sex," he explains. "We mutually agree there's no future here, so it's a great arrangement." Until the love of his life comes a-callin', how does Jim handle his loneliness? "I bought a puppy," he says.
Either way, it's never too late to let your bawdy side come out and play. In A Round-Heeled Woman: My Late-Life Adventures in Sex and Romance, Jane Juska recounts, as a 66-year-old veteran of a loveless marriage, placing a personal in The New York Review of Books looking for "a lot of sex." She received 63 replies from men of all ages and was able to fulfill her wish.
Interesting to see the shoe on the other foot. Women have always sat on a gold mine, looks like as they age, they are seeking miners.
------------------ Ron
It's the Soldier, not the reporter Who has given us the freedom of the press. It's the Soldier, not the poet, Who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Soldier, not the politicians That ensures our right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. It's the Soldier who salutes the flag, Who serves beneath the flag, And whose coffin is draped by the flag.
[This message has been edited by blackrams (edited 02-16-2008).]
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09:02 AM
PFF
System Bot
lurker Member
Posts: 12351 From: salisbury nc usa Registered: Feb 2002
We are supposed to feel sorry for them ? How 'bout this for a headline. Men Of All Ages Are Suffering From A Shortage Of Sex Women do not know what they want. They want what is not available. They want their cake and to eat it also. Show me a woman that can't get laid and I will show you a dead woman.
Any of you fellows need one of these women? I have them coming out my ears!
Seriously, avoid ANY degree of fame. Since the Sci Fi Channel/Ghost Hunters filmed here I have been inundated by middle aged women looking to "make me their man." The episode hasn't even aired yet! WTF!
I can attest to the fact that the news article is true. They are desperate (especially if they want me ).
[This message has been edited by tutnkmn (edited 02-16-2008).]
Seems to me like a case of unreasonable expectations on the part of some women, or maybe they are just looking in the wrong places. I know quite a few women who have found suitable companions while in their '30s, '40s, and '50s.
Then again, perhaps this is a job for a Midnight Cowboy. Yeee Haaaa!!!
[This message has been edited by Marvin McInnis (edited 02-16-2008).]
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03:31 PM
topher_time Member
Posts: 3231 From: Bailey's Harbor, for now. Registered: Sep 2005
Relax guys ,Im almost 66 years old,& old looking ,fat,senile, suffer from severe brain damage.am hated on the forum(check my red zone)a hard core attilla the hun right winger(goldwater & nixon were commies) a woman has to overcome my odor & obnoxious personality to get close to me,,but thanks to the internet and my lying,compliments,jokes, anything to get her to bake me blueberry muffins attitute I have no problem dating wasp waisted buxom blue eyed blonds !whom I prefer to be extremely intelligent,Im not picky if they just lay there ..(Im very inventive) my selection of paint brushes of all texures for massage ,softest, drywall stiff ..different women like different stiffness in a massage brush if they like it hard,they may like some rough trade..I also have a selection of massage vibrators(10) I have purchased over the years,not to mention a selection of the stuff you also can purchase at the appropiate store.. this equipment is just for the girls who lay there.normally I am concerned only with my own satisfation, as any real man. but the inactive are a special treat for me normally its massage to get them warmed up and the tender words I memorized from a poem book ...in 75% of the clinical cases in a few months I can turn the women seeking prince charming on the internet into as foxy a hosebag as ever wore out a Mattress,,,a repressed school teacher who finds herself wearing tight mini skirts to please me (I like school teachers)..I can never talk these women in to attending a fiero meeting..of course as soon as my ukraine brides visa is approved I will become the married slave to my tata 42DDD- 25- 36 she,s really smart,a lanquage instructor.naturally Im marrying for her intelligence and love,, we live in a garden of women you have to tend the flowers.. dont be bashfull who cares if they say no!! wear blue be the center of attention, its bull crap,, mindless talk that women like !! culture ,right left brain ,spiritual what is ther interest ,,you have to talk to them.. I look like a brain damaged quasimoto,yet Im taking a former beauty queen to the Opera tuesday nite.. Walk up to a woman and say"" now that Im here, what were your other 2 wishes" "a genie just spoke to me and said I should come up to you and say "now that Im here what were your other 2 wishes" I have seen this on a t shirt now ,,but it still has some use left.... confidence, speak up, babe ruth was the strike out king but when he hit oh baby,, I live my life with honor loyalty integrity but when i want a lady I do what must be done have a plan,have a few jokes if you want to score and keep striking out buy a few books..If a boarderline mutant like me can score there is hope also dont forget your buddies I always introduce my best friends to the best looking ones so when they are really mad at me and want revenge. often my buddies get lucky,, remember to act offended when you find out..(the woman will ensure you know) so your buddy will continue his good fortune.You will not meet women hanging out at the house unless you date on the net.. there is something for every type of pervert, diviant,sicko but start with a normal relationship before you ramp it up on alt.com with a panty boy.
[This message has been edited by uhlanstan (edited 02-16-2008).]
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07:59 PM
lurker Member
Posts: 12351 From: salisbury nc usa Registered: Feb 2002
Well, now this post explains a lot! For one thing, I now know why so many women are bad drivers, they have something else on their minds. Just try beeping at one and you get a finger or worse. Hmmm... could that be why they seem to be on their cell phones whenever they are driving, trying to hookup with a guy perhaps?
Sorry ladies, I just had to have fun with this one.
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11:10 PM
PFF
System Bot
RACE Member
Posts: 4842 From: Des Moines IA Registered: Dec 2002
Relax guys ,Im almost 66 years old,& old looking ,fat,senile, suffer from severe brain damage.am hated on the forum(check my red zone)a hard core attilla the hun right winger(goldwater & nixon were commies) a woman has to overcome my odor & obnoxious personality to get close to me,,but thanks to the internet and my lying,compliments,jokes, anything to get her to bake me blueberry muffins attitute I have no problem dating wasp waisted buxom blue eyed blonds !whom I prefer to be extremely intelligent,Im not picky if they just lay there ..(Im very inventive) my selection of paint brushes of all texures for massage ,softest, drywall stiff ..different women like different stiffness in a massage brush if they like it hard,they may like some rough trade..I also have a selection of massage vibrators(10) I have purchased over the years,not to mention a selection of the stuff you also can purchase at the appropiate store.. this equipment is just for the girls who lay there.normally I am concerned only with my own satisfation, as any real man. but the inactive are a special treat for me normally its massage to get them warmed up and the tender words I memorized from a poem book ...in 75% of the clinical cases in a few months I can turn the women seeking prince charming on the internet into as foxy a hosebag as ever wore out a Mattress,,,a repressed school teacher who finds herself wearing tight mini skirts to please me (I like school teachers)..I can never talk these women in to attending a fiero meeting..of course as soon as my ukraine brides visa is approved I will become the married slave to my tata 42DDD- 25- 36 she,s really smart,a lanquage instructor.naturally Im marrying for her intelligence and love,, we live in a garden of women you have to tend the flowers.. dont be bashfull who cares if they say no!! wear blue be the center of attention, its bull crap,, mindless talk that women like !! culture ,right left brain ,spiritual what is ther interest ,,you have to talk to them.. I look like a brain damaged quasimoto,yet Im taking a former beauty queen to the Opera tuesday nite.. Walk up to a woman and say"" now that Im here, what were your other 2 wishes" "a genie just spoke to me and said I should come up to you and say "now that Im here what were your other 2 wishes" I have seen this on a t shirt now ,,but it still has some use left.... confidence, speak up, babe ruth was the strike out king but when he hit oh baby,, I live my life with honor loyalty integrity but when i want a lady I do what must be done have a plan,have a few jokes if you want to score and keep striking out buy a few books..If a boarderline mutant like me can score there is hope also dont forget your buddies I always introduce my best friends to the best looking ones so when they are really mad at me and want revenge. often my buddies get lucky,, remember to act offended when you find out..(the woman will ensure you know) so your buddy will continue his good fortune.You will not meet women hanging out at the house unless you date on the net.. there is something for every type of pervert, diviant,sicko but start with a normal relationship before you ramp it up on alt.com with a panty boy.
That is an unpunctuated work of art. I laughed so hard that my eyes teared up. Number 90 was a + from me.
BTW, did you write that from prison?
J/K
(Not really)
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11:12 PM
Feb 17th, 2008
ditch Member
Posts: 3780 From: Brookston, IN Registered: Mar 2003
Relax guys ,Im almost 66 years old,& old looking ,fat,senile, suffer from severe brain damage.am hated on the forum(check my red zone)a hard core attilla the hun right winger(goldwater & nixon were commies) a woman has to overcome my odor & obnoxious personality to get close to me,,but thanks to the internet and my lying,compliments,jokes, anything to get her to bake me blueberry muffins attitute I have no problem dating wasp waisted buxom blue eyed blonds !whom I prefer to be extremely intelligent,Im not picky if they just lay there ..(Im very inventive) my selection of paint brushes of all texures for massage ,softest, drywall stiff ..different women like different stiffness in a massage brush if they like it hard,they may like some rough trade..I also have a selection of massage vibrators(10) I have purchased over the years,not to mention a selection of the stuff you also can purchase at the appropiate store.. this equipment is just for the girls who lay there.normally I am concerned only with my own satisfation, as any real man. but the inactive are a special treat for me normally its massage to get them warmed up and the tender words I memorized from a poem book ...in 75% of the clinical cases in a few months I can turn the women seeking prince charming on the internet into as foxy a hosebag as ever wore out a Mattress,,,a repressed school teacher who finds herself wearing tight mini skirts to please me (I like school teachers)..I can never talk these women in to attending a fiero meeting..of course as soon as my ukraine brides visa is approved I will become the married slave to my tata 42DDD- 25- 36 she,s really smart,a lanquage instructor.naturally Im marrying for her intelligence and love,, we live in a garden of women you have to tend the flowers.. dont be bashfull who cares if they say no!! wear blue be the center of attention, its bull crap,, mindless talk that women like !! culture ,right left brain ,spiritual what is ther interest ,,you have to talk to them.. I look like a brain damaged quasimoto,yet Im taking a former beauty queen to the Opera tuesday nite.. Walk up to a woman and say"" now that Im here, what were your other 2 wishes" "a genie just spoke to me and said I should come up to you and say "now that Im here what were your other 2 wishes" I have seen this on a t shirt now ,,but it still has some use left.... confidence, speak up, babe ruth was the strike out king but when he hit oh baby,, I live my life with honor loyalty integrity but when i want a lady I do what must be done have a plan,have a few jokes if you want to score and keep striking out buy a few books..If a boarderline mutant like me can score there is hope also dont forget your buddies I always introduce my best friends to the best looking ones so when they are really mad at me and want revenge. often my buddies get lucky,, remember to act offended when you find out..(the woman will ensure you know) so your buddy will continue his good fortune.You will not meet women hanging out at the house unless you date on the net.. there is something for every type of pervert, diviant,sicko but start with a normal relationship before you ramp it up on alt.com with a panty boy.
poetry, pure poetry
+ I'm #91
[This message has been edited by ditch (edited 02-17-2008).]
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12:24 AM
rogergarrison Member
Posts: 49601 From: A Western Caribbean Island/ Columbus, Ohio Registered: Apr 99
The single middleaged women brought it on themselves. They ALWAYS seem to have major baggage. I go for the younger and leave them alone with their vibrators.
Originally posted by rogergarrison: The single middleaged women brought it on themselves. They ALWAYS seem to have major baggage. I go for the younger and leave them alone with their vibrators.
Aint that the freain truth and the way!!!
[This message has been edited by 84Bill (edited 02-17-2008).]
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08:14 AM
Blacktree Member
Posts: 20770 From: Central Florida Registered: Dec 2001
Originally posted by blackrams: According to a poll conducted by firstwivesworld.com, a social networking site for uncoupled women, 55 percent of the 10,000 divorcees surveyed are having no sex at all.
It's not just the divorcees. I know a woman that's been married for 31 years that isn't getting any, either....
I was not joking.. I did not use deodorant untill I was about 60 years old ., real men did not use feminine products..But now since a drunk driver rearanged my face and body I need extra help convincing women that I am a treasured prince and to ignore the frog odor I emit,,(I suppress the croaking)when i tell a woman I would crawl thru 100 yards of chocolate pudding to rumage thru her laundry basket she has to beleave me or my cause goes the way of general R Lee,s confederacy,,As most of you know my life is a swirling cesspool of old fart despair,constantly checking for the best deal on depends , prune juice and discount escort services,yea mama ..I can not even get the transmission out of my GT,the prune juice has reeked havoc on my lower seat cover.I can now talk 50% faster than most can listen ..because no one listensto old people,I was born in the year god knows when,,but I still babble over with enthusiasm as I still seek my dream job as a mattress tester.go out and get women ,,do not be bashfull accept rejection like a steadfast telemarketer swing your bat untill there is a hit if you can not find the girl of your dreams fulfill a fat girls dreams untill you do better,don,t sit around playing video games ,,because you can,t get the local jennifer aniston or the local beauty with the mutant chest,unless you try and you young guys remember there are many experienced women who long for a taste of youthfull vigor a 18 year old male needs a variety of experience so he can please his wife.when he marries...remember that girls are a problem but this is a problem i enjoy wrestling with!! and while a girl is waiting for mr right,, YOU mr wrong are available.. do not wait for me or my compatriot loud mouths.. ask out the hottest looking babes.. I start at the 10s and work my way down sooner or later I score.. because the odds are with anyone who tries over and over again.. real men do not accept rejection they thrive on it when it comes to women...If you are not good at conversation rehearse your first few minutes of conversation have some jokes ready tell the funiest clean jokes you know ask her if it was her or her sister that was miss whatever hooterville you live in do not stare but check her out if you do not know her just enough to let her know that you thadeus weeduwacker are interested have .a friend introduce you as the recent champion in the frisbee contest and confess you cheated with a rigged frisbee to obtain money for your work with crippled children,,if a woman is extremely attrative do not mention it she knows it andhas heard it from better nerds than you tell her how you got interested in fiero,s talk a little about fieros and say you will take her for a ride some day.it.s better than a ride on a Harley and safer!! find out what she is interested in and mention this in some way you are interested in the manatees but know little about them do notsay you always wanted to eat some manatee blubber unless she dumps you .. I told a spiritualist back to the earth type girl I was 60 years old and I thought all people over 60 should be placed on an ice flow with 20 other old farts with the only thing to eat being 20 pounds of whale or manatee blubber and 10 gallons of water as the ice drifted south in shark infested waters, her laughter got me to coffee with her at Dennys before her friends,, che guevera shirt wearing,save the bales pinkos,, came along and told her I was a nazi former Marine and probable war criminal , worse than Hitler or the worse war criminal of all time V P Dick Cheney..
I laughed so hard that my eyes teared up. Number 90 was a + from me. 
man
