They just never learn...

Reconnected with an old friend of mine this evening...Finally bit the bullet and signed up for facebook, since it's the only way I can contact a few of my friends (one of which is overseas in Afghanistan right now with the 2nd Stryker Cavalry right now).

My curiosity got the best of me tonight and I decided to see if she was still around the area. So I found her profile and sent her a message. We got to talking a bit, and things were going quite well. She added me to her friends list, etc etc. Bear in mind this is the first time we've chatted in the better part of 4-5 years, and the last time we fell out of touch was because she was married to a possessive asshat who wouldn't let her hang out with or talk to friends (early 2007 IIRC). We had a bit of history back in 2004 when I first moved to Reading area, dated for a bit, and became friends after it didn't work out. We fell out of touch when she married dumbass.

So after chatting with her for about an hour or 2, she said she was moving back to the area this weekend. I invited her to come over and hang out a bit, catch up, etc...

Now this is where things get interesting. Apparently her boyfriend knows about the history we had 6+ years back, and didn't like the idea of her hanging out with me, and told her she couldn't hang out with me Fine, whatever. Personally I don't see the issue, we were/are (?) friends, and nothing more.

So at some point I ended up talking to the boyfriend through facebook via her account. Basically comes down to him being another possessive ******* , and I called him on it. Told him that she is a big girl and can make her own decisions, and if he doesn't like it he can suck it up and deal with it. I told him if he had a problem, take it up with me personally and don't punish the girl that he claims he cares about. He responded back with another line of BS, and I called him on that. Told him to man the fark up, grow a pair, and stop acting like a possessive 5 year old, that if he is that damn insecure with himself and his relationship with her not to trust her, then he doesn't deserve to be with her. I tried being nice and told him if it was that much of an issue, then he was welcome to come along with her and hang out with us too. Then he got defensive and tried to tell me what I can and can't do. So I called him on that as well and flat out asked him who the fark he thought he was trying to dictate what another person can do or say, who they can and can't be friends with, etc.

He didn't like that too much 20 minutes ago, her facebook account was deleted. Went to access her page from my friends list, as well as from the messages we sent back and forth, and nothing.

So in the course of 4 hours, I made the guy that damn jealous that he deleted her profile to keep her from talking to me (my theory anyhow). All because I asked why she wasn't allowed to hang out with me and explained (using logic) that there was no reason why she shouldn't, that all I wanted to do was get together for an afternoon, chat, watch a movie, and catch up. I flat out told him that I don't understand the reasoning behind it, and I invited him (them) both to explain, since I was/have been nothing but nice to her in the entire 7-8 years I've known her. That was when the account was deleted, and I never got an answer back

My guess is that she still has latent feelings for me (which I'm almost certain without a doubt is correct, as she told me years back before we lost touch that she had feelings for me still), and he knows it. So to continue his possessive charade, he went into a tangent and killed the account.

We'll see if it or another account pops back up or not. Knowing her, there will be. She lives for facebook, myspace, etc., and is glued to her cell phone for it (always has been since I first met her). It is what it is though, and I'm not going to waste my time with it if she doesn't see the problem herself. One of these days though I'll get a call or text message from her that she needs someone to come help her out. Nope, sorry. Not wasting my time.

Although I do have to wonder if there is more going on behind the curtain, a la domestic violence/abuse/battery... Maybe that is a contributing factor as to why....

I tell ya, some people's kids. They just never learn...

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****Disclaimer****: For those of you politically correct so-and-so's, who have to crap on everyone's parade, the above post was made entirely in jest, as are most of my posts. Life is too short to take things so seriously, and as such, I will not spend valuable time or energy arguing semantics, politics, religion, etc. when I can utilize that energy for something more constructive.

As the author of the above post, I do not suggest that you commit or participate in such actions (in the event that the above post suggests any actions/activities), unless of your own free will or character. That is all, now bugger off.

"I AM A SATANIST! BOW DOWN, FOR I AM THE HIGHEST
EMBODIMENT OF HUMAN LIFE!"

"I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m going to take a stand. I’m going to defend it. Right or wrong, I’m going to defend it."

"It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything."

A song comes to mind in this situation



Lyrics:
I look at my self
the person in the mirror is asking me
asking me why I lie to myself
what's the meaning of this charade
or the reason why
cause no one knows me quite better than I know myself
but that doesn't stop me from asking myself
the reason why no reason why
we lie to ourselves or anyone else
I look inside my life
cause I can see the things that no one else can see
about the real me
cause it's only the outside
you really see so don't ask me why I keep inside
the things that I choose to hide
still it doesn't stop me from asking myself
it gets me farther behind
cheaters never prosper
I've heard that line
but it keeps me set in my ways
look me up after you've found out

I wouldn't like my wife of 26 years to hang out with her old boyfriends.
And she would feel uncomfortable if I did the same thing with old girlfriends.

If your actions affects your partner in even the slightest of a negative way, it just ain't worth it.

[This message has been edited by Boondawg (edited 05-20-2011).]

quote Originally posted by Boondawg: I wouldn't like my wife of 26 years to hang out with her old boyfriends. And she would feel uncomfortable if I did the same thing with old girlfriends. If your actions affects your partner in even the slightest of a negative way, it just ain't worth it.

Thats the thing, we never really were boyfriend and girlfriend.

We went out on maybe 2-3 "dates" (if thats what you want to call them), and that was it. Even during those 2-3 "dates", most of the time it was 4-5 of us just hanging out watching a movie at another friend's place.

Personally I don't see an issue. If you are secure enough with yourself and your relationship, then hanging out with someone whom you "dated", had a relationship with, forked (and spooned ), et al, then it shouldn't be an issue. At least that's how I see it, in a logical standpoint.

I'm just trying to wrap my head around the "logic" "they" (he) used, what with his profession of how much he cared for her and all...People don't make any sense.

Maybe I should go into Psychology. Mayhap it'll help me understand the human psyche more and help me understand better. I do like trying to figure out what makes people tick...

[This message has been edited by Xerces_Blackthorne (edited 05-20-2011).]

One reason why I'm not a big fan of Facebook.

These types of situations.

quote Originally posted by FieroRumor: One reason why I'm not a big fan of Facebook. These types of situations.

Hmmm, I think its more in the people you talk to or know on there. Somehow, in the 4-5 years I've had it, I've managed to not have any drama come my way...

quote Originally posted by FieroRumor: One reason why I'm not a big fan of Facebook. These types of situations.

I never wanted to sign up for it. Still don't really want to use it. But since it's the only way I have currently (and the best way unfortunately) to contact certain select few people, I'm forced to use it.

Hell, my mom tried for 3 years to get me to sign up for it Didn't work. I had signed up for it circa 2004 before it was well known, and never used it.

I don't like it mainly because I don't use it and don't feel the need to use it to make posts every 5 minutes of what underwear I've put on, or what I had for lunch, or who I saw in the pr0n store 3 days ago wearing a Yogi the Bear suit with a strap on attached backwards. Or was it a Zorak suit? (Rumor... )

Edit: Apparently when spelled correctly, pr0n is a bad word, but strap on isn't

[This message has been edited by Xerces_Blackthorne (edited 05-20-2011).]

I wouldn't want my wife hanging out with an old ex either. Nothing good will come of it. Not you personally, but you have nothing to offer her. If she is needing friends we can make new ones together. She hasn't seen or spoken with you in 4 years and she has gotten along just fine. In this guys eyes you INTENTIONALLY looked her up, I would assume you have motives, nothing to do with being possessive.

------------------
If 1 vest is thin, then rock 2 vest.

quote Originally posted by ls3mach: I wouldn't want my wife hanging out with an old ex either. Nothing good will come of it. Not you personally, but you have nothing to offer her. If she is needing friends we can make new ones together. She hasn't seen or spoken with you in 4 years and she has gotten along just fine. In this guys eyes you INTENTIONALLY looked her up, I would assume you have motives, nothing to do with being possessive.

Again though, I wouldn't really consider myself an ex. We never officially really dated.

May not have been quite 4 years, but it has been awhile. Only reason we lost touch was because her cell phone got shut off and the number changed numerous times, so I never had the proper number.

I understand your point about intentionally looking her up ls3, but I need to clarify something to that end. I don't need nor do I want a relationship at this point in time. I'm working on myself these days (been a long time coming), as well as full time school to get my Bachelors in Environmental Science with a minor in Criminal Law. I don't have time or patience, nor do I have the drive or desire to have a relationship beyond friendship. I don't want to get married, I don't want kids, and actually prefer being by myself when it comes to a relationship beyond friendship. The way I want to live my life, there is no room for a wife, kids, family, the "American (pipe) dream", etc. I do however enjoy the company of a woman in the terms of friendship. I tend to get along better with women than I do *most* guys.

The only "relationship" I would want or need is a physical one, and that's what my old friend Rosy is for (blame it on my DIY attitude ) And I don't care for a physical relationship with the girl in question above, as she just doesn't do it for me.

[This message has been edited by Xerces_Blackthorne (edited 05-20-2011).]

quote Originally posted by Xerces_Blackthorne: If you are secure enough with yourself and your relationship, then hanging out with someone whom you "dated", had a relationship with, forked (and spooned ), et al, then it shouldn't be an issue.

I dissagree.
The question you end up asking yourself is, "Why does she want to?".
"And how would SHE feel if the shoe was on the other foot?"

No one likes it very much, no matter what they say.

If she does have some feelings for you, then maybe it is best if she doesn't hang out. I agree with you that in general, the boyfriend should not be so possessive as to deny her some time with a guy friend. My SO has some guy friends (although she does not feel a need to spend time with them alone).

I think the main problem here is that in general, we all kind of know what a guy and a girl can end up doing when they are good friends and left alone to their own devices. Not saying that it always happens, nor that it would happen between the two of you. However, feelings can develop around a close friendship between opposite sexes, and avoiding that temptation is often a good idea for an individual's relationship.

It's a tough situation, and I think I would be just as displeased as you are with the possive bf's of this lady... knowing my intentions for friendship.

quote Originally posted by Boondawg: I dissagree. The question you end up asking yourself is, "Why does she want to?". "And how would SHE feel if the shoe was on the other foot?" No one likes it very much, no matter what they say.

But there is a catch there Boonie. Security in a relationship breeds trust. Its not a one way street either. I should rephrase and say that if BOTH of you are secure enough in the relationship, then it is a non issue to see an old friend or the opposite sex with whom you've had a history.

Personally, I look at it this way myself. I've come to a point in my life where it does no good to ask oneself questions like the one you posed above. It causes too much unnecessary stress that can be avoided. Again, if you care for someone and trust them, and are secure enough in that trust, then it is a non issue (and again that works both ways)

You see my point here?

Xerces, it sounds like you tried to force her to meet up with you against her current boyfriend's wishes. You will lose every time you try to do this, unless she wants to break up with the guy and still finds you interesting. I guess we know how she feels about you compared to him.

quote Originally posted by Fformula88: If she does have some feelings for you, then maybe it is best if she doesn't hang out. I agree with you that in general, the boyfriend should not be so possessive as to deny her some time with a guy friend. My SO has some guy friends (although she does not feel a need to spend time with them alone). I think the main problem here is that in general, we all kind of know what a guy and a girl can end up doing when they are good friends and left alone to their own devices. Not saying that it always happens, nor that it would happen between the two of you. However, feelings can develop around a close friendship between opposite sexes, and avoiding that temptation is often a good idea for an individual's relationship. It's a tough situation, and I think I would be just as displeased as you are with the possive bf's of this lady... knowing my intentions for friendship.

Wow, positive responses from you for once lol

Just bustin' your chops a bit And I do agree and see your point. To put it a bit more in perspective, we've gone past that point and still remained friends.

If life's hard lessons have taught me anything, I'd have to say it has taught me about intimate relationships (both in a sexual and non sexual way, but I am speaking from the non standpoint here) and how to handle them, the psychology behind them, the thought patterns involved, etc. Given my past track record, I learned VERY fast. Part of the reason why I don't want that "American [pipe] Dream" I spoke of earlier. I don't like the feeling of being tied down. I'm too free spirited, and having a wife and kids will ruin that.

quote Originally posted by avengador1: Xerces, it sounds like you tried to force her to meet up with you against her current boyfriend's wishes. You will lose every time you try to do this, unless she wants to break up with the guy and still finds you interesting. I guess we know how she feels about you compared to him.

Yep. Also, if you delete someone from your facespace and they block you doesn't it look as though the have deleted their account?

If she does have feelings, as you think, is the boyfriend wrong for not wanting her around you? I mean that would seem foolish at best.

quote Originally posted by Xerces_Blackthorne: They just never learn... Reconnected with an old friend of mine this evening...Finally bit the bullet and signed up for facebook, since it's the only way I can contact a few of my friends (one of which is overseas in Afghanistan right now with the 2nd Stryker Cavalry right now). My curiosity got the best of me tonight and I decided to see if she was still around the area. So I found her profile and sent her a message. We got to talking a bit, and things were going quite well. She added me to her friends list, etc etc. Bear in mind this is the first time we've chatted in the better part of 4-5 years, and the last time we fell out of touch was because she was married to a possessive asshat who wouldn't let her hang out with or talk to friends (early 2007 IIRC). We had a bit of history back in 2004 when I first moved to Reading area, dated for a bit, and became friends after it didn't work out. We fell out of touch when she married dumbass. I tell ya, some people's kids. They just never learn...

Well, I've got to say, it's probably somewhat innapropriate for her to hang out with you out of the blue like that, and alone. I'm pretty self confident, and have no worries that my wife would ever leave me because I think I'm probably the best catch in the world, so why WOULD she cheat? But it's innapropriate I would think, for my wife to go hang out, alone, with an ex-boyfriend that she hasn't seen in 6-7 years. That's just not something that most people do...

Personally, every girl that I've broken up with, I've wanted to stay as far away from as possible... and I usually break all contact. There have been a couple that I've remained friends with, but usually ended up drifting apart, and when I did hang out with them, it was pretty normal to take my wife (then girlfriend) with me, and there was no weirdness. But if it's a girl that I have a long history with, perhaps where I dated seriosuly for a year or more, then I would have pretty much cut all ties when I broke up with her. I've always been the one to do the breaking up, so I don't know if it's different the other way around?

My wife goes out and hangs out with her friends all the time. All her friends like me, and they think I'm the nicest / greatest guy she's ever met. Not saying that to make myself seem cool, but just putting it into perspective. My wife will go out now and then with her girl friends, go to clubs, whatever. Sometimes it'll be a girls night out. All of us are married, or in relationships now, so when the other guys go too, then I go also because we're all friends. But in the past, when most of her friends were still single, occasionally, she would go hang out with her friends, and maybe they would run across someone she might have dated, that might have come along with another friend. No big deal... she's with her friends, so it's not awkward. But for my wife to go to an ex-boyfriend's house... alone, to hang out, that's just weird.

I've never been in the situation where I've told her she can't... but I don't think my wife would WANT to put herself into a situation like that because it might be awkward. Again... if the ex-boyfriend she was going to hang out with was already married, or in a relationship, then it's not a big deal. When you asked her if she wanted to hang out, you should have offered for her to bring her boyfriend over (I'm sure this came up in the conversation).

quote Originally posted by ls3mach: Yep. Also, if you delete someone from your facespace and they block you doesn't it look as though the have deleted their account? If she does have feelings, as you think, is the boyfriend wrong for not wanting her around you? I mean that would seem foolish at best.

I see that aspect of it as well. But the feelings aren't mutual, and I don't want anything to come of it outside of friendship, which was where we left off.

I'd be willing to speculate that he is basing his views off of outdated, preconceived misconception on the type of person I am, without getting my side of things first. Which truly is sad for him.

This could have been handled in another, better way. Like I said, I even went so far as to invite HIM to come out as well.

Dollars to doughnuts? I'd be willing to bet that she still has feelings for me and that is why he's being an asshat and deleted the profile.

edit: I typed this before the response above...


Where do you want things to end up, honestly?
REALLY try to put yourself in the other guy's shoes for a minute.

If you were with someone, and some 'guy she used to know (and date)' comes into the picture, and you knew that it might even possibly end your relationship, wouldn't you do pretty much anything to prevent that from happening?

What pleasure do you derive from making this guy jealous?

I really don't know of too many people who TRUELY "just want to be friends". Even if you are one of these people, being a 'true' friend might also include not effing up this girl's current relationship over remaining friends with you. Depends on where your focus lies. Your relationship, or her happiness.

Just seems very "High school" - which is how I feel a lot of Facebook stuff is. Extra Drama and all that.

Note: I'm NOT saying this guy (or both of them) aren't douchbags, they may very well be.

[This message has been edited by FieroRumor (edited 05-20-2011).]

Wow, I don't think there is a problem with your SO being friends with an ex. I mean is an ex bf anymore likely to bang your wife than some new guy? Heck, he may be an ex because he sucked in the sack. I have some limited contact with some exs. I also have some old friends who could have been exs which could be just as dangerous to hang around.
Maybe the rule should be, just don't allow your SO to be around anyone they might consider banging, or just trust them.

I don't tell Lori what to do. She's had dinner with her ex, has even been out west to climb mountains with a guy she was involved with for a while. I think she's going with him to climb Shasta in a few weeks. (I have no interest in climbing a mountain, she however loves it, and he's a skilled mountaineer) It doesn't bother me. I figure it makes no difference what I say or do, if there's so much that's wrong with her, or our relationship that she would mess around, then nothing I say or do is going to stop it. Cheating or being unfaithful isn't generally an act of circumstance. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen, and I'm not going to waste a second of my life worrying about it or fooling myself that being a possessive jealous idiot will effect the outcome one ounce. I'll deal with it when/if it ever happens.

"Trust isn't believing that another person will never do something to hurt you, it's knowing you have the strength to deal with it if they do."

Rumor:

To answer your question, I'm happy at just being friends with her. Nothing more, nothing less. Again, I don't need, nor do I want a relationship at this point in time (and as of now the foreseeable future).

If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't care. Again, more unnecessary stress that I don't want or need. If someone I am with wants to hang out with an ex that they are still friends with, more power to them... As I pointed out to this guy, who am I to say what another person can and cannot do with THEIR life.

As for why I'd like to remain friends with her? Out of the handful of friends I have, she was one of the few who was always around when I needed some help. I figure I can at least take the opportunity to return the favor and remain friends with her until that time comes. But that apparently isn't happening due to asshat.

As for taking pleasure in making this guy jealous? Not intended. I could care less if he is jealous or not. Not my problem.

And I will agree with you on the point that its very "High school".

And one last thing, before anyone else brings it up: Why I posted this thread. I posted it simply because I found the matter humorous, from a psychological standpoint. Again, I like to try and figure out what makes people "tick", and the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I notice recurring patterns in their behavior during certain situations, and it makes me wonder even more.

So before anyone even suggests that I posted this thread as a rant, cry for help, proclamation of misguided feelings of love/affection and denial of those feelings, ad nauseum, I figure I should clear that up I know its bound to happen at some point in this thread, so may as well nip it in the bud now (even though it'll still more than likely happen )

quote Originally posted by Xerces_Blackthorne: You didn't read the entire post or any of my other posts, did you Todd I did invite him over, and it would have also been another mutual friend of mine and hers with us as well. Most likely we would have ended up hanging out at his place anyway. I just got out of a 5 year relationship to focus on school and myself. I don't need to get into another one, nor do I want to.

I did read the first post, but maybe I missed it? Who knows.. I can't tell if it's Monday or Friday (I actually thought it was Monday until I just checked... hah).

Yeah, I guess that's different... but it all depends on how it was initially proposed... you know? If you wanted her to come to your house alone (basically), it doesn't matter how else it ended up.

An angle not consider, but equally as likely. You are full of yourself and she DOESN'T have feeling for you or care for the tone in which you spoke to her boyfriend. Maybe she thinks you ARE the jerk. Possibly something is wrong with you and not everyone else. You do seem to have a lot of altercations with various people. Sometimes when I have a computer problem and I swap everything but the CPU out and I still have the same or similar problems it is the CPU. Just saying...

quote Originally posted by Xerces_Blackthorne: Rumor: To answer your question...

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my reply.

Most relations don't last because one person prevents the other from falling for someone else. They last because both sides put in effort to keep the relationship strong, or both sides are adequately satisfied with the way things are...

quote Originally posted by FieroRumor: Thanks for taking the time to reply to my reply. Most relations don't last because one person prevents the other from falling for someone else. They last because both sides put in effort to keep the relationship strong, or both sides are adequately satisfied with the way things are...

Actually, I think it's simpler than that. I think it's just a matter of whether a person actually *wants* to be in the relationship they have. If a person is in a relationship for the "wrong" reasons, then bad things are bound to happen. Some people are just waiting for something better, or they might be afraid to be alone. In my case, my relationship with Lori is something I value, and I wouldn't ever do anything to dishonor it because I have too much respect for her, and for myself. I can't control her, and don't "expect" anything of her. She's going to do what she's going to do, and probably if I were to try and restrain her from doing things she really wants to do,then it's only going to create tension. And interestingly, my confidence makes me all that much more attractive to her.
Also, I don't really like the expression "adequately satisfied". I think it takes being more than adequately satisfied....that seems like it would be easy to one day become *inadequately* satisfied....

This is the reason i say f*** facebook.

quote Originally posted by pontiackid86: This is the reason i say f*** facebook.

AMEN!!!

For the record. My last post was mostly just a devil's advocate. I don't know enough of the situation, just wanted to post it for perspective.

Why did I even read that first post? I like you X_B, but if you were an ex contacting Amy in the manner that you just posted to,...

Do you really know the story of their relationship from a few hours of keyboard action? As I reread your words, it is just filled with assumptions.

Seriously, I don't want the most of the people that I went to school with, or used to hang out with, to know anything about me. If I want someone around, it is because I can trust them, and don't have to look over my shoulder wondering just what loser friend will think that my XBox would make a good down payment on a couple hours of crack.

Tony

quote Originally posted by ls3mach: You do seem to have a lot of altercations with various people.

QFT

Should a spouse or significant other reasonably object to someone maintaining or renewing old friendships with persons of the opposite sex? Maybe, maybe not, depending upon the circumstances. Should you bow out immediately as soon as you become aware of such objections? Absolutely.

[This message has been edited by Marvin McInnis (edited 05-20-2011).]

I read the original very early this morning, before anyone had replied, and had 2 observations.

1. Xerces has more drama in his life than any 3 women I've ever known.

2. Twice now, he has interjected himself into this girl's life when whe was obviously hooked up with someone else.

3. He want to take someone he once dated to a movie and catch up--when she currently has a boyfriend--and it pissed the bf off? Gee- Ya think??? BF said no way--and You think he should have to explain why--to you?? And you don't understand??
Some people...

Marvin gave you the correct answer--but then, you already knew everything he told you. I already KNOW what would happen if one of my old GFs decided to waltz into my life to get reaquanted and "catch up". My wife would have none of it and rightfully so.

quote Originally posted by maryjane: Some people...

Indeed. The thread was aptly named, .
My favorite quote ?

quote Originally posted by Xerces_Blackthorne: I simply treated it like I do (and did) any other situation like this, by use of logic and reasoning.

, .
My second favorite quote ?

quote Originally posted by Xerces_Blackthorne: I posted it simply because I found the matter humorous, from a psychological standpoint. Again, I like to try and figure out what makes people "tick", and the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I notice recurring patterns in their behavior during certain situations, and it makes me wonder even more.

So your happiness is more important then hers? Or his? Aren't you special.

quote Originally posted by cliffw: My second favorite quote ?

quote Originally posted by Xerces_Blackthorne: I posted it simply because I found the matter humorous, from a psychological standpoint. Again, I like to try and figure out what makes people "tick", and the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I notice recurring patterns in their behavior during certain situations, and it makes me wonder even more

yeah right. Other people aren't the only ones with a recurring "pattern".

We still like you Xerxes... even if you are a little nuts.

quote Originally posted by cliffw: My favorite quote ?

If we are doing favorite quotes, than I call this one.

quote Originally posted by Xerces_Blackthorne: I'm happy at just being friends with her. Nothing more, nothing less. Again, I don't need, nor do I want a relationship at this point in time (and as of now the foreseeable future).

Talk about a contradiction. What does that even mean?

what would LeVay do?

how about we get this on Springer?

anyways - I find the girl in this to be the trouble maker. yes, XB is sticking his toes in another mans pond, but most certainly is not going for a swim (YET?). But, as the "pursuer", that is the job of the male.

He really wants to "save her from herself", take her back to the basement he lives in, lay her down on that extremely rare cat hair comforter and--well---family forum and all....