The World According to Andy Rooney....
On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them.
I get back at them. I put garbage in with
my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds,
banana peels...I write, Could you throw this
away for me? Thank You.
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew
what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
On Cripes:
My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice
people there. Very wholesome. They use
words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who
would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh
of the church of Holy Moly? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?
On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning.
The men wake up aroused in the morning. We
can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can
he want me the way I look in the morning? It's because we cant see you. We have no
blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
On Pregnancy:
Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my God. He is kicking.
Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my God...give me your hand...It wont be long now...
On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on
her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen.
You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
On Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand
dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez,
for forty-thousand bucks a piece Ill take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los
Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.
On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they
have now? They have awards for commercials.
The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever
notice There's always like 18% that say I don't know. It costs 90 cents to call up and
vote... They're voting I don't know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone
sex girls for $3.95 to say I'm not in the mood.
On Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering
machine? Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep. Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love. 
