Oh OK then since so many of you want to read it It IS LONG...so far His pudgy short fingers brushed anxiously at the drops of glistening sweat running down from his pale grey hairline. Both his bullying attitude, and considerable excess body weight, had served him well in the past...but now...this infernal new thing called 'the internet' was beyond his shallow intelligence. Like all stupid people, he believed that, if he shouted loud enough,and pushed hard enough, his adversaries would fall before his aggressive onslaught. But the piggy eyes, set in the pale pink and translucent skin of his pallid fleshy face, readily betrayed the sly and cunning personality by which he had become recognisable by all who knew him as a lazy, fat, unfit, and miserable failure, and pervert to boot. He had lost his home some time ago to the Canadian Taxman, for failing to pay his income taxes to a tune of more than $100,000 Can. Running away with his 'girlfriend' the night before the eviction was to take place to Cuba, leaving his wife to face the terrible realisation that she was alone to face the future with three sons to care for. The scant note of warning left on the Hall table had realised her worst fears. He had dodged his responsibilities once again...and he blamed HER to all who would listen! This excuse for a Man, who had lost his job for having a company carboot full of foul pornograghy, and had cheated on his wife so many times, was now getting desperate. All his bluster and 'bravado' had got him nowhere. He panicked, realising his belief that, having no money to buy a Lawyer to help his younger brother reveal the truth behind his cheating and lying, had let him down; he WAS able to take his whole web of lies and deceit apart, if he didn't do something VERY quickly, and VERY effectively. But what??? He racked his sluggish brain in a vain attempt to concoct some typically devious plan to throw a spanner in the works, as he nervously re-read the emails displayed on the computer screen. The computer, which he hardly knew how to work, other than read his emails, carry on with his dubious eBay sales as an 'Antiques dealer', and seek out new pornography sites to satiate his hideous craving for more and more visual titilation and carnal stimulation..
He suddenly lunged at the telephone, and feverishly dialled the number of his fellow Trustee in England, and drummed his fingers impatiently upon the fake wood top of his 'desk' as he started sweating even more copiously. This dull and vacant woman was still open to be manipulated by his cajoling, his threats and warnings of 'you are in this with me...If I fall...so do you...'. She didn't pick up. Had his name been displayed on the 'incoming call' screen, and in panic she had been too frightened now to answer? Damn her!! He NEEDED her to bear up his side of the story. The story which she had readily accepted without thought...After all, the last time she had seen the son of her long-ago next-door-neighbour was over 45 years ago, other than the time her Mother, and the parents of the brother of this frightful man had tried to get them 'together' at the farewell party for her fellow Trustee, and when she had visited her God Father and God Mother at the celebration of her Godmother's 90th birthday. She had bought into his brother's disgusting lies and denigration of this man, who was now unexpectedly fighting back at their dreadful manipulations of the Trust Funds that had been set up for him. She was frightened. He had already sent her a link via internet to a news report about a woman local to her,who had recently been prosecuted for stealing money from the Trust Fund she had been made executive of. Suddenly the awful realisation hit her, as she backed away from the ringing telephone....he was NOT the brainless fool the elder brother had portrayed to her, when she was asked to accept the duties of Trustee to his Trust Funds. The Elder brother had persuaded her quite easily, with his glib words and persuasive nature, that they couldn't fail. But fail to do WHAT?? She started to realise this despotic Man was simply using his position of Trustee over his younger brother to inflict terrible mental pain and retribution...retribution?? For WHAT?? He hadn't seen his younger brother for more than 40 years either, except for the time he flew to Spain to visit....a pretext to try to ensnare his younger brother into a Ponzi-.scheme he had commited himself to. An attempt which was met with uproarious laughter when he broached the subject there in the living room of their apartment, overlooking the beautiful Mediterranean sea. Was that laughter at his proposal what had enraged him so? Was it because his younger brother called him a fool for engaging in the scheme in the first place, and even MORE of a fool for falling for that scam?? Or the fact that his brother had a beautiful young Dutch girl as a fiancée..somebody who obviously loved him with all her heart? He glanced around the sparcely-furnished room, and sneered. It was beyond his pitiful concept that they could be HAPPY that way, as they started their lives together, and set about building their home with love, hard work, and very little money? After all, HE couldn't see beyond his insatiable greed how ANYBODY could be prepared to wait, and build slowly. He wanted it all...he wanted it NOW. And that greed was what had ensnared him into so many dubious 'easy money' schemes..schemes that would soon deprive him of the home he had, but couldn't pay for. The greed for material possessions which rendered him incapable of paying his income tax demands. Demands that would end up taking his and his family's home from them, whilst he ran and hid in Cuba with his call-girl mistress.
He didn't have money to burn. He had dandruff in his eyebrows, and a permanent look of aggression about his face. So what did he have to offer a good Woman? Nothing. No more did he have money to burn to impress. But he soon realised that was the only way he would get somebody. And so he set about getting 'easy' money to buy 'easy' women...just like the ones he fantasized over in his sleazy collection of porno mags and films. But he soon found that, as soon as the money ran out...so too did the women. That was all they found attractive about his type of men. But he soon found out they had insatiable appetites for the spending stuff, and he couldn't keep up.
She sat and stared into space. She knew who had been on the other end of the stridently ringing.Phone. Why was Perry fighting back? Why was he so aggressively pursuing his claims that the Trust Funds were not being run as they should? Had all the stories she had been fed about a man who cared for nobody, and was so selfish and greedy, been a long way off the truth? Had she been fed these lines in order to get her onside with Edmund; to support him in his 'valiant battle' to crush and humiliate his younger brother? Could it be that...maybe..just MAYBE...the picture she had been painted could actually be the true picture of Edmund, not Perry? She hadn't seen Perry more than for a few fleeting minutes over the whole 59 years she had been alive. Had no contact with him at all. She had never considered it might be a good idea to talk about the offer of becoming a Trust Fund executive,a position of control that could emotionally destroy somebody who was NOT the person she had judged,solely by way of the information she had been fed by his elder brother? After all, her Godmother, the mother of both Perry and Edmund, was the sweetest kindest woman anybody could wish to call 'Mum', and she never had a hard word to say about Perry. She nervously stirred on the stool near the phone, and wondered what was in store for her...why had she not pursued the truth herself, instead of swallowing the bitter words of somebody who was now plainly carrying out a bitter and personal feud with his sibling. Doing his utmust to hurt and destroy him.?
Her Father had passed away almost as soon as she had been born, and the kindly lady who lived next door, had turned into a close friend of her now widowed mother, and always been there to support Helen and her Mother in any way she could. It had been Bunty's suggestion that she would love to be Helen's Godmother. Nobody really knew what Harold thought of the idea, but he went along with it anyway. Perhaps he saw in Helen, the daughter he had always wanted; a fact that probably built up a resentment against Perry, because he had again been a boy, not a girl. He had never planned to have three sons, but always hoped he would have a daughter 'next time'.
She took to considering both the men that were so fiercely fighting over their parents' inheritance. Edmund. The fat and lazy son who always tried to find the easy way to pass through life. The man with a laugh which came across more as a hyena's nervous high-pitched giggle...or the false bellow of a person who slyly considered it better to show amusement, or to cover his ignorance of WHY things were funny, and laughed anyway? The one who had coveted his father's money for years, and had expressed anger fury and resentment when he had heard his Father had bought a new car, or spent some of the money he owned. The son who told his younger brother in a conversation one day, that he was looking for a bumper sticker for his Father's new car, stating 'Spending my childrens' inheritance'.
The son who had a collection of pornography on top of his wardrobe, along with a pile of handkerchieves stained brown with the semen he wiped with them. The son who went to Southampton to work for the Bank he was employed by, and subsequently got into so much financial trouble, his Father had to settle all his debts, and make him emigrate to Canada to follow in the eldest son's footsteps, and to 'give him a fresh start'.
The son who had messed up so many times in his new Life there, losing jobs because of his incompetence and laziness. The son who married a sweet girl who had also emigrated from England, and had the misfortune to commit a serious error of judgement, and eventually married this boorish and bullying man and bear him 2 sons, and adopt another.
Tagged for later consumption (but I liked the "brown seman" part!). I think I would have opted for a more flowery prose; "along with a pile of handkerchieves stained with his retched semen, a black, vile, reflection of the void where the soul he never had would have resided."
[This message has been edited by Boondawg (edited 06-15-2012).]
NICE Boonie Don, I am afraid it IS .. Everybody in the whole Western WORLD knows the trouble Spain, and therefore its residents, are in. And yet, never even ONE single email, phonecall or enquiry from my two Brothers in Canada as to how we are coping. I truly have no interest in my Elder brother's money; it is HIS, and his alone. He worked and sweated to make every penny he has, and I have no feelings of envy or covetousness for him. My OTHER brother, who lost everything as described, became so desperate that he went to live with my Father when Mum died, and worked his evil on him (my Father told me he was being bullied by him) and managed to end up with 3/4 of my Father's wealth. That is okay too...but then to try to bankrupt ME is what sticks in my craw. And it won't let me sleep at night. The last 7 years of my life have been made horrible by my own brother, thousands of miles away. And THAT is the key to it all. If we lived closer to each other, he wouldn't have the guts to do it. I wouldn't have LET him get away with it
[This message has been edited by fierofetish (edited 06-16-2012).]
Until today I did not get that you had 2 brothers. So, the one that is successful(Edmund) is in Canada, and the on going car wreck of a life is now in Cuba(Perry)?
Life teaches some very hard lessons. One is that "you can count on family" is not true. Second is that inheritance has no guarantee because so many greedy people will try and succeed to get more than what be some sort of fair split.
Oh yeah Wise words from somebody so young, or who has never been so badly hurt by Family. So...how do I go about that Brennan? Turn the other cheek? Tell him to keep it all? nearly 8 years of hurt doesn't just get 'let go'. I would not wish the pain I have felt for the last 8 years on anybody, believe me. And if I could let it go...I would have done so long ago. Everybody knows what is happening here in Spain. NEVER a single call, or email, or letter asking how we are? How are we coping? Anything we can do to help? From EITHER brother. My eldest brother was in Florida for the Winter. I sent him a couple of emails in response to his Christmas card, which said 'we really should try to behave like brothers again, before it is too late.' I sent him an email wishing him safe journey back to Canada. I sent him my Father's Family History, which I had explored. going back to 1745. I sent him photos of the wartime aerodrome where our Father was so badly injured in 1944. Sent him a series of photos of the work we have been doing to our house. Nothing. So I started worrying, because it is a long drive back from Florida to Toronto, and when I didn't hear back from him, I sent him another email asking if they were ok. THAT was 6 weeks ago. A while ago, I eventually received this reply: 'Nick. We are back home. We are very busy with our tax returns and the house etc, and don't have time to find photos to send you. Maybe in a couple of months'.
I have tried and tried. I have never given up hope that we would be able to become brothers again. We are simply strangers now. Breaks my heart.
[This message has been edited by fierofetish (edited 06-16-2012).]
I don't pretend to know 1/2 of what all has happened between you and the rest of your family or why you moved to Spain. What I do know is how my wife feels about her older sister. My wife holds allot of resentment toward her sister because she packed up and moved 1000 miles away to live closer to her husbands parents. It's hard to remain close when you can't spend time together except every 10 years. This could be how your brothers feel about you.
An email takes 3 minutes.. I have sent a LOT this year, and never one PROPER one back. Their families are more important, and that is understandable. They both went to Canada when I was 15, and have only seen them twice since, in 50 years.
story as old as time. cain slew able. romulus slew remus. i could tell you some stories about my brother. he's not a nice person. the fact that we share dna means nothing. we may well never speak again. his choice. i neither seek nor avoid contact. i've moved on.
First off if you're going to publish this, you are going to have to make it more fiction and less actual so that your brothers can't sue you for libel... or prove that you were writing about them...
Secondly you switch person in the middle of the paragraph which is rather confusing:
>He NEEDED her to bear up his side of the story. The story which she had readily accepted without thought...After all, the last time she had seen the son of her long-ago next-door-neighbour was over 45 years ago, other than the time her Mother, and the parents of the brother of this frightful man had tried to get them 'together' at the farewell party for her fellow Trustee, and when she had visited her God Father and God Mother at the celebration of her Godmother's 90th birthday. She had bought into his brother's disgusting lies and denigration of this man, who was now unexpectedly fighting back at their dreadful manipulations of the Trust Funds that had been set up for him. She was frightened. He had already sent her a link via internet to a news report about a woman local to her,who had recently been prosecuted for stealing money from the Trust Fund she had been made executive of. Suddenly the awful realisation hit her, as she backed away from the ringing <
You could segway into it by switching some of it around:
He NEEDED her to bear up his side of the story.
Suddenly the awful realisation hit her, as she backed away from the ringing phone
that
The story which she had readily accepted without thought...After all, the last time she had seen the son of her long-ago next-door-neighbour was over 45 years ago, other than the time her Mother, and the parents of the brother of this frightful man had tried to get them 'together' at the farewell party for her fellow Trustee, and when she had visited her God Father and God Mother at the celebration of her Godmother's 90th birthday. She had bought into his brother's disgusting lies and denigration of this man, who was now unexpectedly fighting back at their dreadful manipulations of the Trust Funds that had been set up for him. She was frightened. He had already sent her a link via internet to a news report about a woman local to her,who had recently been prosecuted for stealing money from the Trust Fund she had been made executive of.
THAT IS WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR!! A critique of the writing style/storyline ! Thanks very much Amethyst!! I WANT them to know it is about them! I WANT them to try to take me to Court!! Sweet day THAT would be . They never will, because I have too much evidence against them to risk it . No excuses for the confusing 'flow', I just dictated it to the computer as it came. It obviously will require proof reading and correcting when it is finished. I now have about 6 chapters in my head...just got to sit down and get it on screen . I haven't decided the ending yet. Fate might just write it for me. Even if it never gets published, believe me, it is therapeutic just getting it all out of my head. Thanks, Amethyst, again. I just wanted to know if people reading it felt interested enough to read more.
[This message has been edited by fierofetish (edited 06-17-2012).]
Oh yeah Wise words from somebody so young, or who has never been so badly hurt by Family. So...how do I go about that Brennan? Turn the other cheek? Tell him to keep it all? nearly 8 years of hurt doesn't just get 'let go'. I would not wish the pain I have felt for the last 8 years on anybody, believe me. And if I could let it go...I would have done so long ago. Everybody knows what is happening here in Spain. NEVER a single call, or email, or letter asking how we are? How are we coping? Anything we can do to help? From EITHER brother. My eldest brother was in Florida for the Winter. I sent him a couple of emails in response to his Christmas card, which said 'we really should try to behave like brothers again, before it is too late.' I sent him an email wishing him safe journey back to Canada. I sent him my Father's Family History, which I had explored. going back to 1745. I sent him photos of the wartime aerodrome where our Father was so badly injured in 1944. Sent him a series of photos of the work we have been doing to our house. Nothing. So I started worrying, because it is a long drive back from Florida to Toronto, and when I didn't hear back from him, I sent him another email asking if they were ok. THAT was 6 weeks ago. A while ago, I eventually received this reply: 'Nick. We are back home. We are very busy with our tax returns and the house etc, and don't have time to find photos to send you. Maybe in a couple of months'.
I have tried and tried. I have never given up hope that we would be able to become brothers again. We are simply strangers now. Breaks my heart.
I understand all of that, Nick. I still think it's mightily unhealthy. I hope you heal, eventually.
THAT IS WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR!! A critique of the writing style/storyline ! Thanks very much Amethyst!! I WANT them to know it is about them! I WANT them to try to take me to Court!! Sweet day THAT would be . They never will, because I have too much evidence against them to risk it . No excuses for the confusing 'flow', I just dictated it to the computer as it came. It obviously will require proof reading and correcting when it is finished. I now have about 6 chapters in my head...just got to sit down and get it on screen . I haven't decided the ending yet. Fate might just write it for me. Even if it never gets published, believe me, it is therapeutic just getting it all out of my head. Thanks, Amethyst, again. I just wanted to know if people reading it felt interested enough to read more.
You're more than welcome!!
I suppose you can always do a biography... I'm not sure on the legalities of it, but you may have to have signed permission to include them in the book... I know a friend of mine who published a book tried to use some material (a picture) from another book and the people with the copy right refused to give her permission and she had to have it edited out which was a shame since she also gave credit and contact information!
It probably is a good idea to get it out of your mind and onto paper... just remember to leave it there! That kind of stuff can and will poison you, not just emotionally, but it will also affect you physically.. which is why so many are saying let it go... if this is the best way for you to let go of it, then by all means... write it all down!! If you want to keep track of it, then keep it backed up, or you may find one day it is all gone to never be seen again... Sometimes that's not a bad thing!! lol
Please take care of Ellie, and Zwerver and the other little dog!!
An email takes 3 minutes.. I have sent a LOT this year, and never one PROPER one back. Their families are more important, and that is understandable. They both went to Canada when I was 15, and have only seen them twice since, in 50 years.
Soo, does this mean that there have been "improper" ones??? Sorry Nick, just trying to lighten the mood a bit, I know your brothers have been a royal pita.
The difficult part about 'letting it all go' is revealed, if you search my posts about this I get over it, forget it...and then, every six months, I have to deall with it every time,. because that is when I get demands for evidence of Income Tax being paid...and they won't give me the papers. PLUS I see they are STILL charging $4500 to MY income from it for the Investment Company, which is illegal. And I CAN'T do anything about it, because if I take it to a Solicitor (and I HAVE, and they confirm he is breaking Trust Fund Laws ), and take them to Court...they are LEGALLY ENTITLED TO CHARGE THE TRUST FUNDS FOR THEIR LAWYERS AND DEFENCE. So if I WIN...I lose. I hve to pay for MY LAWYERS, AND THEIRS Where is the justice in THAT? My agony is probably reveled by my referring to it roughly every 6 months here, because that is the period when this occurs. It is worse than waterboarding...
There is no such thing as lunging in a calm, thoughtful manner.
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The computer, which he hardly knew how to work, other than read his emails, carry on with his dubious eBay sales as an 'Antiques dealer', and seek out new pornography sites to satiate his hideous craving for more and more visual titilation and carnal stimulation..
This isn't a sentence, and it is contradictory. One has to know something about using a computer to operate even a dubious business on Ebay.
quote
he WAS able to take his whole web of lies and deceit apart, if he didn't do something VERY quickly, and VERY effectively.
What is the purpose of the caps? Caps are internet yelling. They have no place in a story except for proper names or titles, as, for example, John Murphy or Dr. Penelope Detweiler. However, if John or Penelope are not in your story, you don't have to capitalize their names.
Who are Edmund, Perry, and Bunty? You introduce their names with no explanation of their identities.
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His pudgy short fingers
Nobody has pudgy long fingers.
It is excessively wordy, has far too many misused commas, and jumps about quite badly, making it hard to follow. For a first draft it is a C grade in an American writing class. OTOH, it is a story.
[This message has been edited by heybjorn (edited 06-25-2012).]
)
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Looks good to me though. 
