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Author
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Topic: Disorder in the court
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jstricker
Member Posts: 12092
From: Russell, KS USA
Registered: Apr 2002
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Got this in an email and thought it was funny. Shyster might not think so.......unless one of these lawyers was his opponent in a case. 
Disorder in American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeb oks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that t he patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
John Stricker
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kyunderdawg
Member Posts: 2894
From: Bowling Green, KY. USA
Registered: Aug 2008
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 Too funny.  IP: Logged |
blackrams
Member Posts: 14855
From: Frankfort, KY, USA
Registered: Feb 2003
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heybjorn
Member Posts: 3188
From: pace fl
Registered: Apr 2007
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| | | quote | Originally posted by jstricker:
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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Witness, in best Perry Mason voice, turns to the judge, points at attorney, and says, " Your Honor, move to strike as incompetent, irrational, and ignorant."
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cliffw
Member Posts: 17262
From: Kerrville, Texas, USA
Registered: Jun 2003
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
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starlightcoupe
Member Posts: 255
From: Colorado Springs, CO
Registered: Oct 2009
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I had a buddy who went to Vietnam with the 1st Cav Division and he was a closed mask court reporter. One of the most common offenses was to be caught in an off limits area with a Vietnamese prostitute.
At one court marshal, a GI was asked, "What were you doing in bed with that woman?"
GI: "She was teaching me to wrestle, Sir."
He said he lost it and started laughing out loud and was soon joined by everyone in the courtroom.IP: Logged |
Wolfhound
Member Posts: 4851
From: Opelika , Alabama, USA
Registered: Oct 1999
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Two lawyers were on a dessert Island.
A beautiful blonde swims up and walks out of the surf totally nude.
One lawyer says to the other " Should we screw her?"
The other reply's "Out of what" ?IP: Logged |
hnthomps
Member Posts: 1703
From: Columbia, SC
Registered: Jul 2003
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On a personal note, I almost lost it in court one time when an opposing attorney told the judge that his client should not be held responsible for causing an auto accident since his doctor told him not to drive after the stroke. BTW, I was suing this guy because he had just plowed into the back of my wife's newly restored Karmen Ghia and did not have any insurance (violation of state law).IP: Logged |
blackrams
Member Posts: 14855
From: Frankfort, KY, USA
Registered: Feb 2003
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| | | quote | Originally posted by hnthomps:
On a personal note, I almost lost it in court one time when an opposing attorney told the judge that his client should not be held responsible for causing an auto accident since his doctor told him not to drive after the stroke. BTW, I was suing this guy because he had just plowed into the back of my wife's newly restored Karmen Ghia and did not have any insurance (violation of state law). |
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I have to assume you won that particular court case?
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