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Racist Microwave and other anecdotes from a book by Synthesis
Started on: 07-25-2011 02:19 PM
Replies: 6
Last post by: nitroheadz28 on 07-31-2011 03:57 PM
Synthesis
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Report this Post07-25-2011 02:19 PM Click Here to See the Profile for SynthesisSend a Private Message to SynthesisDirect Link to This Post
I am reading a book called "Emails from an A**hole " that has me laughing quite loudly.

The introduction to the book summarizes it nicely...

 
quote
THE NEXT TIME
you want to post an ad
in the online classifieds, think again.
Somewhere out there, I am lurking,
just waiting for any signs of weakness to jump on.
It doesn’t matter if you are
from Philadelphia or Boise, Idaho.
Wherever you are, if you post a stupid ad,
I will find you and take you down.


He responds to ads and gets a rise out of people...

An example: The Racist Microwave ad..

I was recently looking online for a microwave, since mine broke (apparently you
can’t microwave a frozen beer can to thaw it). I came across this ad and was
immediately more offended than I have ever been in my entire life.

Amy’s original ad:
WANTED—MICROWAVE
I am looking for a used microwave. WHITE ONLY.

From Me to Amy:
I have an LG microwave that I want to sell for $30. I am aware that your ad said
whites only, but I am an African-American. I sincerely hope that this won’t be a
problem for you, and we can put race issues aside and just do business.
Thank you,
Jamal

From Amy to Me:
I am so sorry that you misread my ad. I meant the microwave should be
white, because it would match my kitchen.
Amy


From Me to Amy:
Oh, so because I am black, you think that I can’t read? It really is amazing that
the world we live in is still so racist. I’m sorry, but your insults have left me
feeling sick. I don’t think I can sell my microwave to a bigot.
Sincerely offended,
Jamal

From Amy to Me:
I wasn’t suggesting that you couldn’t read. I’m not racist. If you read my
whole email, you would see that the ad was looking for a white
microwave, not a white person. I changed the ad to avoid any confusion.
Amy


From Me to Amy:
So now you think that because I am black, I am too lazy to read your whole
emails. Your racism is overwhelming. You will never get my microwave from
me. I will, however, sell you a burning cross for your next klan meeting. Does
$20 for the cross sound fair?

From Amy to Me:
I can’t write anything without you being offended! I give up!


From Me to Amy:
So you don’t want the microwave?

From Amy to Me:
Will you still sell it to me?


From Me to Amy:
I would never sell anything to a racist.

From Amy to Me:
Ugh, I’m done with you.


She may be whistling a different tune now but maybe next time Amy won’t
be so prejudiced when deciding which race she would like to sell her
microwave to. African-Americans need to heat their food too, Amy.


I found that one particularly funny, as the "constantly finding offense in innocent phrases" seems to be an all too true situation with many people, African-American or not.

The next entry:

A decent snowblower costs about a thousand dollars. I wanted to show this guy
what kind of snowblower he could get for a hundred.

Warren’s original ad:
SNOWBLOWER WANTED
want cheap snowblower not paying more then $100

From Me to Warren:
Hello,
I have a snowblower that I need to get rid of quickly. I will sell it to you for
$100. Will you be able to come get it today?
Thanks,
Mike

From Warren to Me:
yes i can get it today. does it work properly?


From Me to Warren:
I’m not quite sure. It was working this morning. I was going to surprise my
neighbor by snowblowing her driveway because she lives alone and is too old to
shovel. While I was snowblowing her sidewalk, I think I accidentally ran over
her dog, because a bunch of blood and fur started spraying out of the top of the
snowblower and onto her front door. I shut the snowblower off and got the hell
out of there, and now I need to get rid of the snowblower before she comes
over here and questions me. I have been afraid to start it up. It looks like it is in
good shape, but it has blood all over it and there are some bones, hair, and guts
or something clogging the internal blades. If you can clean that out, it should
probably work.

From Warren to Me:
holy s**t


From Me to Warren:
I know, right? So can you please come get it very soon?

From Warren to Me:
no sorry man your on your own


From Me to Warren:
Come on, Warren. You aren’t going to find a snowblower any cheaper than this.
Please come get it.

From Warren to Me:
no you a**hole just throw it out its f***ed


From Me to Warren:
I can’t leave it down at the bottom of my driveway for the garbage truck. My
neighbor will see it and know what happened. Please—I have no other way to
get rid of it.


Warren did not help me out at all. I decided that I had to do the right thing.
I wrote my neighbor a confession that explained what happened to her
dog, and then I forged my other neighbor’s signature so she thinks it was
him.

[This message has been edited by Synthesis (edited 07-25-2011).]

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theBDub
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Report this Post07-25-2011 02:25 PM Click Here to See the Profile for theBDubSend a Private Message to theBDubDirect Link to This Post
Are those just the best ones, or are they all this funny? That's hilarious!!!
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Synthesis
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Report this Post07-25-2011 02:29 PM Click Here to See the Profile for SynthesisSend a Private Message to SynthesisDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by theBDub:

Are those just the best ones, or are they all this funny? That's hilarious!!!


Nope. Those aren't even the best ones... The chair stains are one of the best. LOL

Guy lists a chair, posts a picture.

A**hole responds and says "Chair looks nice, but what is that stain on the chair?"

Guy responds "there isn't a stain"..

A**hole responds with the same picture, clearly showing a circled white stain on the seat of the chair. (Photoshop rocks) "I have circled it for you"

Guy says "What the?! That isn't there!"

A**hole says "Yes it is. Just be honest about it, nothing to be embarrassed about."

A**hole then uses two additional email accounts...

From Me to Jeff:
Hi there! I really need some chairs for my upcoming dinner party and am
interested in your chair. Could you tell me what that white stain is on the chair? I
don’t want my guests to be grossed out. Thanks!
From Jeff to Me:
There is no stain on the chair!
From Me to Jeff:
Yes there is, it is clearly in the picture. Did you get a little lonely in your office or
something? I just want to know what the stain is. If it is what I think it is, please
just be honest. It is nothing to be ashamed about, just clean up next time.
From Jeff to Me:
What is this! Why is everyone on the internet crazy?!
From Me to Jeff:
If you want to stay in denial, fine. I’ll buy my chair somewhere else.

One more email account, for good measure.

From Me to Jeff:
Hey what is with that stain on your chair?
From Jeff to Me:
THERE ISN’T A F***ING STAIN!!!

Poor Jeff was probably so confused. I bet he looked over every inch of
that chair to see what stain everyone was talking about.
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Report this Post07-31-2011 02:22 PM Click Here to See the Profile for ls3machSend a Private Message to ls3machDirect Link to This Post
My favorite.

------------------
What would Paladin do?

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nitroheadz28
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Report this Post07-31-2011 02:35 PM Click Here to See the Profile for nitroheadz28Send a Private Message to nitroheadz28Direct Link to This Post
LMFAO wow, I need to buy this book.. My eyes are watering
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Report this Post07-31-2011 02:53 PM Click Here to See the Profile for theBDubSend a Private Message to theBDubDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by ls3mach:

My favorite.



Man that whole site is freaking hilarious!!

My favorite part is the FAQ: http://dontevenreply.com/faq.php
I also went to the top rated ones and died laughing on each one. This guy is funny as hell.
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nitroheadz28
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Report this Post07-31-2011 03:57 PM Click Here to See the Profile for nitroheadz28Send a Private Message to nitroheadz28Direct Link to This Post
Hahahahaha

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=104

LMFAO, I take it back- this one had me tearing hardcore.. I haven't laughed this much in months

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=102

[This message has been edited by nitroheadz28 (edited 07-31-2011).]

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