Groaners:

The local church runs an ad for a Bell Ringer. A couple days later there is a knock on the door. The Priest answers and standing there is a man with no arms.
"I'm here to apply for the Bell Ringers job," the man says.
"But how can you be a Bell Ringer without arms?" asks the Priest.
"I use my head," replies the man. "Take me to the bell tower and I'll prove it."
They go to the belfry and the man begins to play. It is the most beautiful sound the Priest has ever heard. But before the Priest can offer the man the job, he slips and falls to his death.
The Priest runs to the street where a crowd has gathered. "I didn't get a chance to ask his name, does anyone know this man?" asks the Priest.
"I'm not sure" replies the Butcher, "but his face rings a bell."

But wait there's more.

A couple weeks later there's a knock on the door, the Priest answers.
"I am the Bell Ringers brother and I have come for the job," the man says, "I am a better bell ringer than my brother."
So the Priest takes him to the belfry and the man plays the bells beautifully. Tragically, this man also falls to his death. The Priest runs to the street.
"I didn't get a chance to ask his name, does anyone know this man?" asks the Priest.
"No," replies the Butcher, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

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These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from them, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

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Three strings are standing outside a bar and they decide a cold beer would be real nice. The first string walks in, goes up to the bar, and asks for 3 beers. The bartender says "we don't serve strings in here". The string goes back and tells his friends what happened. The second string gets mad and declares he'll go get the beers. He walks in, walks up to the bar, and says "I want 3 beers - to go". The bartender tells him "I told your buddy we don't serve strings here, now get out before I throw ya out!" The second string walks out dejected. The third string thinks about it a minute, then starts twisting himself around, looping one end around the other, then through the middle. Then he starts flailing away at the sidewalk until he's a tattered mess, fibers sticking out everywhere. He walks into the bar, saunters up to the bartender, and orders 3 beers to go. "Sure thing pal", the bartender says and starts pouring them. Then he slowly turns around and looks supsiciously and asks "Say, aren't you one of them strings?" "Nope", replies the string, "I'm afraid not".

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Of course it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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Three little asparagus (?asparagi?) were walking down the street. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a car comes roaring down the road and BOOM! hits one of the little asparagus, squashing him flat.

The other two asparagus run and call for an ambulance which races over, picks the limp asparagus up, puts it on a stretcher and races off to the hospital.

Later, all the little asparagus family gather in the waiting room, wringing their little asparagus hands, waiting for the report from the ER. Finally the doctor comes out and all gather around him.

The doctor says "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is he's going to make it. The bad news is he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

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Kermit the frog goes to the bank one day to get a loan. He fills out all the paperwork and is then interviewed by the loan officer, Miss Paddywhack. She looks over everything and then asks Kermit if he has any collateral. He think for a moment and then says "all I have is this" and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a beautifully carved tiny jade elephant. She examines it for a couple of minutes and says she'll have to review it with the bank manager. She goes to the manager, explains the situation, and then hands him the jade figurine. He too looks it over carefully and then says to her "Hmmm, what a knick-knack Paddywhack, give the frog a loan".

wakka wakka wakka!

*facepalm*

sorry, but I hear this version of the last one:


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he
says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

quote Originally posted by Synthesis: These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from them, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

I've always heard it this way:

There once was a village situated near a forest, and in the forest was a monastery. One day, the monks of the monastery asked the villagers if they could bring the children into the forest to show them the local flora and fauna. "Why not?" reasoned the villagers, "They're monks!" So the kids of the village left with the monks.

After a day or two, the people of the village began to realize that the monks weren't coming back with the kids, so the men gathered together to go into the forest to find the children. Well, all except a blacksmith named Hugh, who wasn't too bright. So, all the men except for Hugh went out.

A few days later, the women of the village realized that the men weren't coming back, either. They were worried, but what would they do? All they could think of, begrudgingly, was to send Hugh. So Hugh went out.

Well, Hugh found the men and the kids, and found the monks. He beat up the monks and led the men and the children back home to the village.

The moral of the story is; Only Hugh can prevent Forest Friars.

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Long ago, Dr. Jones, the intrepid explorer, went to deepest, darkest Africa. There, he met an indigenous tribe, who allowed him to stay with them for a while and study them.

After a few weeks, they allowed him to go out on a hunting party with them. Before they left, one of the elders took him aside, and warned him. "There is a bird that lives in the wild. We call it the Foo, for the noise it makes. It is very important not to let the Foo relieve itself on you. If this happens, then you can never bathe again, for if you do, you will die."

Not entirely sure of this new information, the doctor leaves with the hunting party. Two days into the jungle, the entire party hears, "FOO! FOO!" Everyone scatters, but it is too late. Foo mess is now part of Dr. Jones's wardrobe. Remembering the warning he had been given, he did not wash it off.

The crap stunk, and, not surprisingly, kept the party from actually tracking anything, and, therefore, they caught nothing. They decided to turn back to the village. The day before they got there, the doctor found himself forced downwind by the entire party, and he didn't blame them. He stunk to high heaven, and he was beginning to not be able to stand it himself.

By the time they got to the village, he had had enough. Despite the warning, he went down to the shore, plunged himself in the river, and washed the mess off. He hadn't walked out of the water when he died right then and there.

The moral of the story is: If the Foo $#!+s, wear it.