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I need one page of text checked by Francis T
Started on: 01-18-2011 11:02 AM
Replies: 16
Last post by: fierofetish on 01-19-2011 02:07 PM
Francis T
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Report this Post01-18-2011 11:02 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Francis TClick Here to visit Francis T's HomePageClick Here to Email Francis TSend a Private Message to Francis TDirect Link to This Post
Like to says; I did a rewrite of the all-important first page of and adventure.fantasy novel I'm ready to send out need someone with good skills to check it for me. Anyone?

The text:

Low clouds of rancid smoke seize a shift in the wind. Eyes look up as the morning sky begins to darken. Laden with the stench of burnt flesh it drifts above and mingles with the weary troops digging endless rows of graves. Although it has been almost two days, Sukara Proper still smolders in the distance.

What was just a few days prior, a pristine green pasture is now but a blood-soaked and trampled field. Captain Frencore kicks the blade of his shovel into the soft ground. The shovel is rocked back and forth almost inattentively. Forlorn eyes, glance up at the numerous corpses awaiting burial and dead beast scattered about.
A soldier nearby says softy, “Captain Frencore, Sir.”
Frencore numbly continues to dig without response.
“Sir, you don’t need to be out here. Digging graves is not a task for an officer.”
His shovel becomes still. He sighs and without looking at the man says, “I helped lead these men to their deaths. It is more my task than yours.” Grasping the shovel firmly he pictures the Sorceress Clarisenia’s face for a instant and says to himself, ‘And had it not been for you.’
“Did you say something, Sir?”
“It was nothing.”

The soldier’s eyes are drawn to a brown gosee swooping out of the smoke above. As it glides about the small creature’s red eyes look into theirs and then upon a corps nearby. The gosee turns and with a flutter of it wings, it alights on the slain man’s chin. Tap, tap; its sharp beak begins to peck and pull at still-open eyes.
“Get away from him.” The soldier throws a shovel of dirt.
With defiance the creature shakes the dirt from its wings and pecks again at an eye. Before he can harasses it further, it flies away clutching an eye in its bloodstained beak.
“I’ve never seen nor heard of them feeding upon the dead. There is something terribly wrong here. The Gods seem to have forsaken these people.”

“They may also forsake us for what we have done here.”
The distant sound of hooves grows loud. Captain Frencore turns and sees Lieutenant Coop in the saddle.
“Did you find the General?”
Coop dismounts, “No Sir, I did not.” He hangs his sword on his saddle and unties a shovel. “I believe you’re now the highest ranking officer alive Sir.”

Frencore shrugs his indifference as he presses his shovel’s blade deep into the ground. Coop walks over to another corps. He grimaces and thinks, ‘I suppose you knew that I never liked you much Poho, but I did not wish you such a fate.’ Coop starts to dig.

A while later Frencore and Coop are digging yet another gave as the sky becomes even darker. A heavy raindrop splashes upon Coop’s hand. As he glances up his face is greeted by a deluge. Coop grits his teeth. “Excellent, now we’ll have to deal with mud. Damn I hate being wet and cold.”
“Better than being one of them,” Frencore stares at the body near the grave. “At least it will put the fires out.”
Coop nods, “I suppose.” A moment or two later, he tires to take his mind off the miserable task at hand. His thoughts drift back to their land and a day four long years ago; before both wars when he first set eyes upon the young man destined to become his Captain and most-trusted friend.
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Francis T
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Report this Post01-18-2011 11:07 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Francis TClick Here to visit Francis T's HomePageClick Here to Email Francis TSend a Private Message to Francis TDirect Link to This Post

Francis T

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Member since Oct 2003
Lol, the good skills I was referring to are grammar and spelling.
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Report this Post01-18-2011 01:03 PM Click Here to See the Profile for 84fiero123Click Here to Email 84fiero123Send a Private Message to 84fiero123Direct Link to This Post
Like to says; I did a rewrite of the all-important first page of and adventure. Fantasy novel I'm ready to send out need someone with good skills to check it for me. Anyone?

The text:

Low clouds of rancid smoke seize a shift in the wind. Eyes look up as the morning sky begins to darken. Laden with the stench of burnt flesh it drifts above and mingles with the weary troops digging endless rows of graves. Although it has been almost two days, Sukara Proper still smolders in the distance.

What was just a few days prior, a pristine green pasture is now but a blood-soaked and trampled field. Captain Frencore kicks the blade of his shovel into the soft ground. The shovel is rocked back and forth almost inattentively. Forlorn eyes, glance up at the numerous corpses awaiting burial and dead beast scattered about.
A soldier nearby says softy, “Captain Frencore, Sir.”
Frencore numbly continues to dig without response.
“Sir, you don’t need to be out here. Digging graves is not a task for an officer.”
His shovel becomes still. He sighs and without looking at the man says, “I helped lead these men to their deaths. It is more my task than yours.” Grasping the shovel firmly he pictures the Sorceress Clarisenia’s face for a instant and says to himself, ‘And had it not been for you.’
“Did you say something, Sir?”
“It was nothing.”

The soldier’s eyes are drawn to a brown goose swooping out of the smoke above. As it glides about the small creature’s red eyes look into theirs and then upon a corps nearby. The goose turns and with a flutter of it wings, it alights on the slain man’s chin. Tap, tap; its sharp beak begins to peck and pull at still-open eyes.
“Get away from him.” The soldier throws a shovel of dirt.
With defiance the creature shakes the dirt from its wings and pecks again at an eye. Before he can harasses it further, it flies away clutching an eye in its bloodstained beak.
“I’ve never seen nor heard of them feeding upon the dead. There is something terribly wrong here. The Gods seem to have forsaken these people.”

“They may also forsake us for what we have done here.”
The distant sound of hooves grows loud. Captain Frencore turns and sees Lieutenant Coop in the saddle.
“Did you find the General?”
Coop dismounts, “No Sir, I did not.” He hangs his sword on his saddle and unties a shovel. “I believe you’re now the highest ranking officer alive Sir.”

Frencore shrugs his indifference as he presses his shovel’s blade deep into the ground. Coop walks over to another corps. He grimaces and thinks, ‘I suppose you knew that I never liked you much Poho, but I did not wish you such a fate.’ Coop starts to dig.

A while later Frencore and Coop are digging yet another gave as the sky becomes even darker. A heavy raindrop splashes upon Coop’s hand. As he glances up his face is greeted by a deluge. Coop grits his teeth. “Excellent, now we’ll have to deal with mud. Damn I hate being wet and cold.”
“Better than being one of them,” Frencore stares at the body near the grave. “At least it will put the fires out.”
Coop nods, “I suppose.” A moment or two later, he tires to take his mind off the miserable task at hand. His thoughts drift back to their land and a day four long years ago; before both wars when he first set eyes upon the young man destined to become his Captain and most-trusted friend.

I used the grammar and spell-check in works and just a few words were spelled wrong.


See if you can find them.

Steve

------------------
Technology is great when it works,
and one big pain in the ass when it doesn't.
Detroit iron rules all the rest are just toys.

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Larryh86GT
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Report this Post01-18-2011 01:07 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Larryh86GTSend a Private Message to Larryh86GTDirect Link to This Post
corpse, not corps (used twice) ?

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Report this Post01-18-2011 01:35 PM Click Here to See the Profile for twofatguysClick Here to Email twofatguysSend a Private Message to twofatguysDirect Link to This Post
I just checked spelling, and some light grammar, just skimmed it. I'm still waiting for a part 2 of the last one I proofread, that was a truly good read, and I was serious when I told you that. GET IT PUBLISHED!!!

I really read it a few times, just because I liked it. I didn't even know I liked scifi type books until I read yours. you have a talent here, and need to do something with it man.

Brad

 
quote
Originally posted by Francis T:

Like the title says; I did a rewrite of the all-important first page of and adventure.fantasy novel I'm ready to send out need someone with good skills to check it for me. Anyone?

The text:

Low clouds of rancid smoke seize a shift in the wind. Eyes look up as the morning sky begins to darken. Laden with the stench of burnt flesh it drifts above and mingles with the weary troops digging endless rows of graves. Although it has been almost two days, Sukara Proper still smolders in the distance.

What was just a few days prior, a pristine green pasture is now but a blood-soaked and trampled field. Captain Frencore kicks the blade of his shovel into the soft ground. The shovel is rocked back and forth almost inattentively. Forlorn eyes, glance up at the numerous corpses awaiting burial and dead beast scattered about.
A soldier nearby says softy, “Captain Frencore, Sir.”
Frencore numbly continues to dig without response.
“Sir, you don’t need to be out here. Digging graves is not a task for an officer.”
His shovel becomes still. He sighs and without looking at the man says, “I helped lead these men to their deaths. It is more my task than yours.” Grasping the shovel firmly he pictures the Sorceress Clarisenia’s face for a instant and says to himself, ‘And had it not been for you.’
“Did you say something, Sir?”
“It was nothing.”

The soldier’s eyes are drawn to a brown goose swooping out of the smoke above. As it glides about the small creature’s red eyes look into theirs and then upon a corps nearby. The goose turns and with a flutter of it wings, it alights on the slain man’s chin. Tap, tap; its sharp beak begins to peck and pull at still-open eyes.
“Get away from him.” The soldier throws a shovel of dirt.
With defiance the creature shakes the dirt from its wings and pecks again at an eye. Before he can harasses it further, it flies away clutching an eye in its bloodstained beak.
“I’ve never seen nor heard of them feeding upon the dead. There is something terribly wrong here. The Gods seem to have forsaken these people.”

“They may also forsake us for what we have done here.”
The distant sound of hooves grows loud. Captain Frencore turns and sees Lieutenant Coop in the saddle.
“Did you find the General?”
Coop dismounts, “No Sir, I did not.” He hangs his sword on his saddle and unties a shovel. “I believe you’re now the highest ranking officer alive Sir.”

Frencore shrugs his indifference as he presses his shovel’s blade deep into the ground. Coop walks over to another corps. He grimaces and thinks, ‘I suppose you knew that I never liked you much Poho, but I did not wish you such a fate.’ Coop starts to dig.

A while later Frencore and Coop are digging yet another gave as the sky becomes even darker. A heavy raindrop splashes upon Coop’s hand. As he glances up his face is greeted by a deluge. Coop grits his teeth. “Excellent, now we’ll have to deal with mud. Damn I hate being wet and cold.”
“Better than being one of them,” Frencore stares at the body near the grave. “At least it will put the fires out.”
Coop nods, “I suppose.” A moment or two later, he tires to take his mind off the miserable task at hand. His thoughts drift back to their land and a day four long years ago; before both wars when he first set eyes upon the young man destined to become his Captain and most-trusted friend..


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Zeb
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Report this Post01-18-2011 06:08 PM Click Here to See the Profile for ZebSend a Private Message to ZebDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by Francis T:

Like to says; I did a rewrite of the all-important first page of and adventure.fantasy novel I'm ready to send out need someone with good skills to check it for me. Anyone?

The text:.....
A while later Frencore and Coop are digging ...
.
.
Coop nods, “I suppose.” A moment or two later, he tires to take his mind off the miserable task at hand. His thoughts drift back to their land and a day four long years ago; before both wars when he first set eyes upon the young man destined to become his Captain and most-trusted friend.


"A while later..." ? With all the excellent imagery, "A while later" is the best you can do?

"...he tires..." No, he doesn't tire he TRIES. Spell check won't catch the things like corps & corpse, tires and tries.

This IS good writing. If I seem a little harsh, I'm just cranky. Please forgive, I'd love to see more.
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Report this Post01-18-2011 06:36 PM Click Here to See the Profile for fierofetishClick Here to Email fierofetishSend a Private Message to fierofetishDirect Link to This Post
Low clouds of rancid smoke are seized by a shift in the wind. Weary eyes look up, as the morning sky begins to darken. Laden with the stench of burnt flesh, the smoke drifts down and permeates amongst the weary troops, digging endless rows of graves. Although it has been almost two days, Sukara Proper still smolders in the distance.

What had been a pristine green pasture just a few days since, is now but a blood-soaked and trampled field. Captain Frencore kicks the blade of his shovel into the soft ground. The shovel is rocked back and forth almost indifferently. Forlorn eyes glance around at the numerous corpses and dead beasts scattered about, lifelessly awaiting their turn to be returned to their Mother Earth.
A soldier nearby says softly, “Captain Frencore, Sir.”
Frencore numbly continues to dig without response.
“Sir, you don’t need to be out here. Digging graves is not the task of an officer.”
His shovel becomes still. He sighs and without looking at the man says, “I helped lead these men to their deaths. It is more my task than yours.” Grasping the shovel firmly once again, a vision of the Sorceress Clarisenia’s face flashes before his eyes for an instant, and he angrily mutters to himself, ‘And had it not been for you......’
“Did you say something, Sir?”
“It was nothing.”

The soldier’s eyes are drawn to a brown gosee swooping out of the smoke above. As it glides inquisitively around, the small creature’s red eyes look into theirs.... and then at a corpse lying nearby. The gosee wheels, and with a flutter of its wings, it alights on the slain man’s chin. Tap, tap; its sharp beak begins to peck and pull at still-open eyes.
“Get away from him.” The soldier cried,and threw a shovelful of dirt wildly in its direction.
With total defiance, the creature shakes the dirt from its wings and pecks again at an eye. Before the soldier can harass it further, it flies triumphantly away, clutching the sightless, mutilated eyeball in its bloodstained beak.
“I’ve never seen nor heard of them feeding upon the dead before!!. There is something terribly wrong here. The Gods seem to have forsaken these people.”

“They may also forsake us for what we have done here.”
The distant sound of hooves grows loud. Captain Frencore turns and sees Lieutenant Coop in the saddle.
“Did you find the General?”
Coop dismounts, “No Sir, I did not.” He hangs his sword on his saddle and unties a shovel. “I believe you are now the highest ranking officer alive, Sir.”

Frencore shrugs his indifference, as he plunges his shovel’s blade deep into the ground. Coop walks over to another corpse. He grimaces and muses ‘I suppose you knew that I never liked you much Poho, but I did not wish you such a fate.’ Coop starts to dig.

A while later, as Frencore and Coop are engaged in digging yet another grave, the sky becomes ominously darker. A heavy raindrop splashes upon Coop’s hand. In the moment it takes for him to glance skyward, the raindrop has turned into a deluge, pouring down upon his upturned face. Coop grits his teeth. “Excellent, now we’ll have to deal with mud. Damn I hate being wet and cold.”
“Better than being one of them,” repliesFrencore, staring at the body near the grave. “At least it will put the fires out.”
Coop nods, “I suppose.” A moment or two later, he tries to take his mind off the miserable task at hand. His thoughts drift back to their homeland, and to a day four long years ago before both wars, when he first set eyes upon the young man destined to become his Captain and most-trusted friend.
Nick

[This message has been edited by fierofetish (edited 01-18-2011).]

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IwannaIRM
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Report this Post01-18-2011 06:43 PM Click Here to See the Profile for IwannaIRMClick Here to Email IwannaIRMSend a Private Message to IwannaIRMDirect Link to This Post
Ok, I gave my shot at it. Fixed a lot of typos/spelling errors. One that everyone keeps missing is "softy" should be "softly" Some grammatical errors as well. Punctation, well, I'll let someone else have a go at that.

I agree with this comment.

 
quote

"A while later..." ? With all the excellent imagery, "A while later" is the best you can do?


Anyway, here you go.

Low clouds of rancid smoke seize a shift in the wind. Eyes look up as the morning sky begins to darken. Laden with the stench of burnt flesh it drifts above and mingles with the weary troops digging endless rows of graves. Although it has been almost two days, Sukara Proper still smolders in the distance.

What was once a pristine green pasture a few days prior is now, but a blood-soaked and trampled field. Captain Frencore kicks the blade of his shovel into the soft ground. The shovel is rocked back and forth almost inattentively. Forlorn eyes, glance up at the numerous corpses awaiting burial and dead beasts scattered about.

A soldier nearby says softly, “Captain Frencore, Sir.”
Frencore numbly continues to dig without response.
“Sir, you don’t need to be out here. Digging graves is not a task for an officer.” His shovel becomes still. He sighs and without looking at the man says, “I helped lead these men to their deaths. It is more my task than yours.” Grasping the shovel firmly he pictures the Sorceress Clarisenias’ face for an instant and says to himself, ‘And had it not been for you.’
“Did you say something, Sir?”
“It was nothing.”

The soldier’s eyes are drawn to a brown goose swooping out of the smoke above. As it glides about, the small creature’s red eyes look into theirs and then upon a corpse nearby. The goose turns and with a flutter of its wings, it alights on the slain man’s chin. Tap, tap; its sharp beak begins to peck and pull at still-open eyes.

“Get away from him.” The soldier throws a shovel of dirt. With defiance the creature shakes the dirt from its wings and pecks again at an eye. Before he can harass it further, it flies away clutching an eye in its bloodstained beak.
“I’ve never seen nor heard of them feeding upon the dead. There is something terribly wrong here. The Gods seem to have forsaken these people.”

“They may also forsake us for what we have done here.”
The distant sound of hooves grows loud. Captain Frencore turns and sees Lieutenant
Coop in the saddle.
“Did you find the General?”
Coop dismounts, “No Sir, I did not.” He hangs his sword on his saddle and unties a shovel. “I believe you’re now the highest ranking officer alive Sir.”

Frencore shrugs his indifference as he presses his shovel’s blade deep into the ground. Coop walks over to another corpse. He grimaces and thinks, ‘I suppose you knew that I never liked you much Poho, but I did not wish you such a fate.’ Coop starts to dig.

A while later Frencore and Coop are digging yet another grave as the sky becomes even darker. A heavy raindrop splashes upon Coop’s hand. As he glances up his face is greeted by a deluge. Coop grits his teeth. “Excellent, now we’ll have to deal with mud. Damn I hate being wet and cold.”
“Better than being one of them,” Frencore stares at the body near the grave. “At least it will put the fires out.”
Coop nods, “I suppose.” A moment or two later, he tries to take his mind off the miserable task at hand. His thoughts drift back to their land and a day four long years ago; before both wars, when he first set eyes upon the young man destined to become his Captain and most-trusted friend.
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Report this Post01-18-2011 07:07 PM Click Here to See the Profile for fierofetishClick Here to Email fierofetishSend a Private Message to fierofetishDirect Link to This Post
I didn't change 'gosee', because I thought it might be an imaginary bird
Nick
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Francis T
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Report this Post01-18-2011 08:05 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Francis TClick Here to visit Francis T's HomePageClick Here to Email Francis TSend a Private Message to Francis TDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by Zeb:


"A while later..." ? With all the excellent imagery, "A while later" is the best you can do?

"...he tires..." No, he doesn't tire he TRIES. Spell check won't catch the things like corps & corpse, tires and tries.

This IS good writing. If I seem a little harsh, I'm just cranky. Please forgive, I'd love to see more.


Indeed, spell check/grammar link won't catch all the screw ups. BTW: that was not harsh at all, but rather helpfull thanks !
If you want to read all of it, just send me an email and I'll send you the file, but be warned, it's a really big novel which makes that much harder to sell.

How about this instead of 'A while later' With their shovels feeling heavier, Frencore and Coop start on yet another gave as the sky becomes even darker.

As for getting it published, I've been trying but it's not easy if don't know someone in the biz, like a publisher or an agent. I'm not about to give up though, I'm too tenacious or dumb to do that just yet.
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Francis T
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Report this Post01-18-2011 08:16 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Francis TClick Here to visit Francis T's HomePageClick Here to Email Francis TSend a Private Message to Francis TDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by fierofetish:

I didn't change 'gosee', because I thought it might be an imaginary bird
Nick


Thanks. An dit is sort of, inasmuch as it's a fantasy and the gosee is one my creatures. BTW: my daughter just suggested that I change the spelling to gocee so it don't look like I spelled goose wrong. I took her advice. Ya have to love the find/replace feature in MS Word.
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Francis T
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Report this Post01-18-2011 08:28 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Francis TClick Here to visit Francis T's HomePageClick Here to Email Francis TSend a Private Message to Francis TDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by fierofetish:

Low clouds of rancid smoke are seized by a shift in the wind. Weary eyes look up, as the morning sky begins to darken. Laden with the stench of burnt flesh, the smoke drifts down and permeates amongst the weary troops, digging endless rows of graves. Although it has been almost two days, Sukara Proper still smolders in the distance.

What had been a pristine green pasture just a few days since, is now but a blood-soaked and trampled field. Captain Frencore kicks the blade of his shovel into the soft ground. The shovel is rocked back and forth almost indifferently. Forlorn eyes glance around at the numerous corpses and dead beasts scattered about, lifelessly awaiting their turn to be returned to their Mother Earth.
A soldier nearby says softly, “Captain Frencore, Sir.”
Frencore numbly continues to dig without response.
“Sir, you don’t need to be out here. Digging graves is not the task of an officer.”
His shovel becomes still. He sighs and without looking at the man says, “I helped lead these men to their deaths. It is more my task than yours.” Grasping the shovel firmly once again, a vision of the Sorceress Clarisenia’s face flashes before his eyes for an instant, and he angrily mutters to himself, ‘And had it not been for you......’
“Did you say something, Sir?”
“It was nothing.”

The soldier’s eyes are drawn to a brown gosee swooping out of the smoke above. As it glides inquisitively around, the small creature’s red eyes look into theirs.... and then at a corpse lying nearby. The gosee wheels, and with a flutter of its wings, it alights on the slain man’s chin. Tap, tap; its sharp beak begins to peck and pull at still-open eyes.
“Get away from him.” The soldier cried,and threw a shovelful of dirt wildly in its direction.
With total defiance, the creature shakes the dirt from its wings and pecks again at an eye. Before the soldier can harass it further, it flies triumphantly away, clutching the sightless, mutilated eyeball in its bloodstained beak.
“I’ve never seen nor heard of them feeding upon the dead before!!. There is something terribly wrong here. The Gods seem to have forsaken these people.”

“They may also forsake us for what we have done here.”
The distant sound of hooves grows loud. Captain Frencore turns and sees Lieutenant Coop in the saddle.
“Did you find the General?”
Coop dismounts, “No Sir, I did not.” He hangs his sword on his saddle and unties a shovel. “I believe you are now the highest ranking officer alive, Sir.”

Frencore shrugs his indifference, as he plunges his shovel’s blade deep into the ground. Coop walks over to another corpse. He grimaces and muses ‘I suppose you knew that I never liked you much Poho, but I did not wish you such a fate.’ Coop starts to dig.

A while later, as Frencore and Coop are engaged in digging yet another grave, the sky becomes ominously darker. A heavy raindrop splashes upon Coop’s hand. In the moment it takes for him to glance skyward, the raindrop has turned into a deluge, pouring down upon his upturned face. Coop grits his teeth. “Excellent, now we’ll have to deal with mud. Damn I hate being wet and cold.”
“Better than being one of them,” repliesFrencore, staring at the body near the grave. “At least it will put the fires out.”
Coop nods, “I suppose.” A moment or two later, he tries to take his mind off the miserable task at hand. His thoughts drift back to their homeland, and to a day four long years ago before both wars, when he first set eyes upon the young man destined to become his Captain and most-trusted friend.
Nick



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Francis T
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Report this Post01-18-2011 08:43 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Francis TClick Here to visit Francis T's HomePageClick Here to Email Francis TSend a Private Message to Francis TDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by Francis T:


Lol. I didn't put my response with the last reply. Anyway, your grammar suggestions were helpful and I'll likely use some of your dialog/naration changes too. From the onset of the novel I decided to try my best to keep the reader firmly in 'my world', thus there are no few parites -or whatever- to our world such as 'the gocee was crow-like' or 'Mother Earth.' Wow, did that ever make it harder to write! Thanks for the help, you have a good eye.

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Report this Post01-19-2011 10:57 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Francis TClick Here to visit Francis T's HomePageClick Here to Email Francis TSend a Private Message to Francis TDirect Link to This Post
I thought you guys might like to see what I did with your very helpful suggestions. Thanks again to all. BTW: I sent PMs to some of you.

Chapter 1: Not by Chance
Low clouds of rancid smoke are seized by a shift in the wind. Eyes look up as the morning sky begins to darken. Laden with the stench of burnt flesh, it drifts down amidst the weary troops digging endless rows of graves. Although it has been almost two days, the once-proud city of Sukara Proper still smolders in the distance.

What had been a pristine green pasture just a few days ago is now but a blood-soaked and trampled field. Captain Frencore kicks the blade of his shovel into the soft ground. The shovel is rocked back and forth almost inattentively. Forlorn eyes, glance up at the numerous corpses awaiting burial and the dead beast scattered about.
A soldier nearby says softly, “Captain Frencore, Sir.”
Frencore numbly continues to dig without response.
“Sir, you don’t need to be out here. Digging graves is not a task for an officer.”
His shovel becomes still. He sighs and without looking at the man says, “I helped lead these men to their deaths. It is more my task than yours.” Grasping the shovel firmly again, a vision of the Sorceress Clarisenia’s face flashes before his eyes for an instant; he angrily mutters to himself, ‘And had it not been for you….’
“Did you say something, Sir?”
“It was nothing.”

The soldier’s eyes are drawn to a brown gocee swooping out of the smoke above. As it glides inquisitively around the small creature’s red eyes look into theirs…. and then upon a corpse nearby. The gocee wheels and with a flutter of it wings, it alights on the slain man’s chin. Tap, tap; its sharp beak begins to peck and pull at still-open eyes.
“Get away from him.” The soldier heaves a shovelful of dirt.
With utter defiance the creature shakes the dirt from its wings and pecks again at an eye. Before he can harasses it further, it takes flight triumphantly, clutching a sightless eye in its bloodstained beak.
“I’ve never seen nor heard of them feeding upon the dead before! There is something terribly wrong here. The Gods seem to have forsaken these people.”
“They may also forsake us for what we have done here.”

The distant sound of hooves grows loud. Captain Frencore turns and sees Lieutenant Coop in the saddle.
“Did you find the General?”
Coop dismounts, “No Sir, I did not.” He hangs his sword on his saddle and unties a shovel. “I believe you’re now the highest ranking officer alive Sir.”

Frencore shrugs his indifference as he presses his shovel’s blade deep into the ground. Coop walks over to another corps. He grimaces and muses, ‘I suppose you knew that I never liked you much Poho, but I did not wish you such a fate.’ Coop starts to dig.

Later, with their shovels feeling much heavier, Frencore and Coop start on yet another grave as the sky becomes ominously darker. A heavy raindrop splashes upon Coop’s hand, then another. In the moment it takes him to glance skyward, the few raindrops become a deluge so heavy he can hardly keep his eyes open. Coop grits his teeth. “Excellent, now we’ll have to deal with mud. Damn, I hate being wet and cold.”
Frencore replies, “Better than being one of them” He stares at the body near the grave. “At least it will put the fires out.”
Coop nods, “I suppose.” He lets his mind drift away from the miserable task at hand; back to their land, and a day four long years ago. Such was before both wars when he first set eyes upon the young man destined to become his Captain and most-trusted friend.
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Larryh86GT
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Report this Post01-19-2011 12:53 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Larryh86GTSend a Private Message to Larryh86GTDirect Link to This Post
Coop walks over to another corps

corpse - or body - or fallen warrior would work also.

[This message has been edited by Larryh86GT (edited 01-19-2011).]

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Stubby79
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Report this Post01-19-2011 01:33 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Stubby79Send a Private Message to Stubby79Direct Link to This Post
You get a just for asking/posting so publicly. I've been writing the same story on and off for years, and in that time have only ever let one person read a single chapter.
What I suggest: keep at it! Just keep writing and writing and writing, and if you're anything like me, your writing will get better and better. To the point that when I've gone back and re-read the first chapters, I've ended up re-writing them three or four times, simply because the writing looked bad compared to what I can write now. I bet the next time I pick it up, I'll either be editing the heck out of it or re-writing it chapter by chapter.
Anyway, keep at it. Your re-write is much easier to read than the original; Proper punctuation makes a huge difference!
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fierofetish
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Report this Post01-19-2011 02:07 PM Click Here to See the Profile for fierofetishClick Here to Email fierofetishSend a Private Message to fierofetishDirect Link to This Post
I'm honoured, and a little humbled too, that I was able to add a little to your story. I have to be honest...I am curious to read more!! I wish you untold success with this, and other novels you produce.
If I may, I would willingly offer to proof-read the whole thing for you, and make some suggestions if anything needs 'moulding'.
Keep up the excellent work, and....the brother of one of my best friends has just been awarded a ONE MILLION POUND CONTRACT by a publisher, and he has has already written two sequels. If you like, I can always ask for details of his Publisher., and ask them to consider your manuscripts....you could make your fortune
Nick

[This message has been edited by fierofetish (edited 01-19-2011).]

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