As Johann looked out across the verdant Iowa River valley, and beyond to the low hills capped by the massive refrigerator manufacturing plant, he reminisced on the history of the great enterprise from its early days, when he and three other young men, all of differing backgrounds, had only their dream of bringing refrigeration to America's heartland to sustain them, to the present day, where they had become the Midwest's foremost group of refrigerator magnates.

http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm

I'll say the same thing that always got me in trouble in English Lit

I don't get it...

Brad

I love this quote.

quote "My motivation for entering the contest," he confesses, "was to find a constructive outlet for my dementia."

John Stricker

quote Originally posted by twofatguys: I'll say the same thing that always got me in trouble in English Lit I don't get it... Brad

"refrigerator magnates"

quote Originally posted by lurker: "refrigerator magnates"

*groan*

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1984 Fiero SE

May take me the whole weekend to heal up after opening this thread...

i'm prone to lying horizontally.

"The xenobiologist observed the lifeform before him, which resembled a statue called "the Thinker." It exhibited respiration and pulse, and appeared to draw nutrients from the air, but otherwise appeared lifeless, even when observed for weeks at a time by concealed time-lapse cameras. In frustration the xenobiologist muttered an expletive, and said aloud, "How could an apparently animate lifeform carry out its entire life cycle without movement?"
The lifeform suddenly rose to its feet, exhibiting the first movement by it ever observed, stated in perfectly understandable Galactic, "It couldn't!," and promptly resumed its former seated position.
The answer struck the xenobiologist like a thunderbolt. "My God! Of course! IT ONLY STANDS TO REASON!!!"

Ewww.

Aaaah-hahaha!!! This is good stuff!

You can always spot a professional cow for he is the one who is outstanding in his field.

Thats really awesome that my school puts on that contest.

I take back my statement, after giving the site a second chance I found some I get, and actually think are funny.

"The steam rose off his sweaty red flannel shirt like cotton candy on a cardboard cone, if cotton candy were transparent in a misty sort of way and didn't actually stick to its cone, but instead rose upwards something like steam rising off a sweaty flannel shirt in the twilight of an early winter Vermont afternoon."

Thats good stuff, some are still way to deep for me though

Brad

The late Red Skelton once said: "Puns are the #1 form of humor.
And one is the lowest number there is."

That never stopped him. Or me.

Pap Smear: Slander your father.

Romania: Crazy about kayaks.

Realistic: Wooden devise for measuring building lots.

Acute alcoholic: An attractive drunk.

Gentile: What's on the floor of one of the two restrooms.

Biology: Study of shopping habits.

Exporter: Someone who used to work on trains.

Urinate: Simon Cowell told the American Idle contestant that the winner was a ten and
URINATE.


A man starts a vocal group while he's on a diet.
The diet consists of nothing but hormone pills, diet soda, and fruit.

So he calls the group the hormone, Tab and apple choir.

[This message has been edited by NEPTUNE (edited 02-10-2007).]

yuk, yuk.

ok i'll play. be warned its baaaaad.

Little Bunny Foo-foo.

little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i'm going to give you two more chances and if you don't be good i'm going to turn you into a goon."

so they very next day little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i'm going to give you one more chance and if you don't be good i'm going to turn you into a goon."

so the next day little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i've given you two more chances so now i'm going to turn you into a goon." and she did just that.

moral of the story: hare today, goon tomorrow.

A man-eating lion had been terrorizing a small village where an English safari outfitter had its base.
To motivate the local hunters, the local pub offered free drinks to whomever brought in the lion.
Several hunters took up the challenge and proceeded to embark on a hunt to kill the beast.
The local pilot waited till all had left, loaded his plane with appropriate firepower, flew around till
he found a lion and sent the creature on.
Flying back, he acquired a truck, went out and retrieved the lion and won his reward.

Which proves: The shortest distance between 2 pints is a strafed lion

by Ed Zern

A young man who grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah, had dreams of being a great fiction writer.
All his novels and short stories were summarily refused by every publisher he submitted his work to.
Finally, out of desperation, he took a job as a carpenters helper just to pay the bills.


Now he's known as the Mormon Nailer!

quote Originally posted by sostock: yuk, yuk. ok i'll play. be warned its baaaaad. Little Bunny Foo-foo. little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i'm going to give you two more chances and if you don't be good i'm going to turn you into a goon." so they very next day little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i'm going to give you one more chance and if you don't be good i'm going to turn you into a goon." so the next day little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i've given you two more chances so now i'm going to turn you into a goon." and she did just that. moral of the story: hare today, goon tomorrow.

My sisters were girl scouts... I can still sing that from memory.

i wasn't sure where i got it from. my sister was in scouts and my mom was a troop leader. kinda gets in your head.

do you make the little bunny ears with your hand and make him hop?

At the end of the Civil War, a land lady asked her trusted man to go and find her husband who
had fallen in battle and bring him home to rest. The fellow found the burial site and proceeded
to bring him home. He did his best, but there was some confusion on the proper orientation of
the marker. Upon arriving home, the casket was opened and the man there was not her beloved,
but some gentleman named Kowalsky.
In her grief, she sharply admonished him for bringing home the wrong one,
to which the old man replied,
"I am so sorry Missus, I guess I don't know my Massah from a Pole in de ground"

Paraphrased from Ed Zern's "To Hell With Hunting"
tg

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, " I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Two men walk into a bar. One says "Ouch."

Horoscope: Surveillance device used by a vice squad.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

I can row a boat, canoe?

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the punchline.

I see said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw!

Sorry its late

KIN

quote Originally posted by sostock: i wasn't sure where i got it from. my sister was in scouts and my mom was a troop leader. kinda gets in your head. do you make the little bunny ears with your hand and make him hop?

Made the fairy princess high voice... and the bopping them on the head moves

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A recent headline from a local news service reads "Princeton ESP lab shutting down after 28 years"

Apparently they couldn't forsee receiving any further funding.

two english gentlemen took their holiday in the countryside. knowing nothing whatever about the countryside apart from what they had read in pastoral romances, they went entirely unprepared, and soon found themselves slogging about in the muddy greensward, sodden as it was from a recent rain.

dirty and disheveled, they made their way toward a nearby farmhouse to beg for a fire to dry themselves by. as they neared it, they saw that a fence lay in their way. the first english gentleman started to go around it, but the second, in his haste, leapt across it in what he thought was a gallant display. the first english gentleman, seeing that the fence enclosed a pig pen, tried to dissuade the second... but he was too late, and the second english gentleman arced over the rails, caught his polished bootheel in the muck, and went down on his backside.

the first english gentleman helped his companion, now sopping and filthy, back across the fence. and as they made their careful way around it to the farmhouse door, the first said to the second, "it's as i've been telling you all along: the pen is muddier than the sward."

i still think this was one of the funniest... lol

quote The goose waddled slowly, heavily, across the road, exactly the way my mother-in-law would if she were a goose. Mary Montiel Wichita, KS

ok i posted this before but its dang funny.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the
bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this
as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

"The nude skydiver, who was a genetic duplicate of his father, was arrested for making an obscene clone fall..."

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

[This message has been edited by Raydar (edited 02-14-2007).]

Personally I like...err, dislike, this one the most:

"Sex with Rachel after she turned fifty was like driving the last-place team on the last day of the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the point no longer the ride but the finish, the difficulty not the speed but keeping all the parts moving in the right direction, not to mention all that irritating barking. "

Two snakes walk into a bar. Wouldn't that be a site?

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Whade' "The Duck Formerly Known As Wade" Duck
'87 GT Auto
'88 Ferrario
'84 Indy (8/26/06)

Relax! You've managed to suck all of the fun out of the room.