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Winner: Vile Puns by Euterpe
Started on: 02-09-2007 03:57 PM
Replies: 36
Last post by: whadeduck on 02-14-2007 01:57 PM
Euterpe
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Report this Post02-09-2007 03:57 PM Click Here to See the Profile for EuterpeClick Here to Email EuterpeDirect Link to This Post
As Johann looked out across the verdant Iowa River valley, and beyond to the low hills capped by the massive refrigerator manufacturing plant, he reminisced on the history of the great enterprise from its early days, when he and three other young men, all of differing backgrounds, had only their dream of bringing refrigeration to America's heartland to sustain them, to the present day, where they had become the Midwest's foremost group of refrigerator magnates.

http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm
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twofatguys
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Report this Post02-09-2007 04:00 PM Click Here to See the Profile for twofatguysClick Here to Email twofatguysSend a Private Message to twofatguysDirect Link to This Post
I'll say the same thing that always got me in trouble in English Lit

I don't get it...

Brad
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Report this Post02-09-2007 04:01 PM Click Here to See the Profile for jstrickerClick Here to Email jstrickerSend a Private Message to jstrickerDirect Link to This Post
I love this quote.

 
quote

"My motivation for entering the contest," he confesses, "was to find a constructive outlet for my dementia."




John Stricker
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jstricker
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jstricker

12956 posts
Member since Apr 2002
 
quote
Originally posted by Euterpe:


http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm


Somehow, my dear, I can picture you writing this..........

 
quote

It was a day, like any other day, in that Linus got up, faced the sunrise, used his inhaler, applied that special cream between his toes, wrote a quick note and put it in a bottle, and wished he'd been stranded on the island with something other than 40 cases each of inhalers, decorative bottles, and special toe cream.




John Stricker
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lurker
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Report this Post02-09-2007 04:04 PM Click Here to See the Profile for lurkerClick Here to Email lurkerSend a Private Message to lurkerDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by twofatguys:

I'll say the same thing that always got me in trouble in English Lit

I don't get it...

Brad


"refrigerator magnates"
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RWDPLZ
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Report this Post02-09-2007 04:38 PM Click Here to See the Profile for RWDPLZClick Here to visit RWDPLZ's HomePageSend a Private Message to RWDPLZDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by lurker:


"refrigerator magnates"


*groan*

------------------

1984 Fiero SE

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FieroRumor
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Report this Post02-09-2007 04:48 PM Click Here to See the Profile for FieroRumorClick Here to visit FieroRumor's HomePageClick Here to Email FieroRumorSend a Private Message to FieroRumorDirect Link to This Post
May take me the whole weekend to heal up after opening this thread...
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TorqueWench
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Report this Post02-09-2007 05:50 PM Click Here to See the Profile for TorqueWenchSend a Private Message to TorqueWenchDirect Link to This Post
i'm prone to lying horizontally.
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TorqueWench
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Report this Post02-09-2007 08:00 PM Click Here to See the Profile for TorqueWenchSend a Private Message to TorqueWenchDirect Link to This Post
I've got a question for ya's.
Which would you least want to die from?
Salmonella?
Or Sal Mineo?


Show all work.
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Vonov
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Report this Post02-10-2007 09:15 AM Click Here to See the Profile for VonovClick Here to Email VonovSend a Private Message to VonovDirect Link to This Post
"The xenobiologist observed the lifeform before him, which resembled a statue called "the Thinker." It exhibited respiration and pulse, and appeared to draw nutrients from the air, but otherwise appeared lifeless, even when observed for weeks at a time by concealed time-lapse cameras. In frustration the xenobiologist muttered an expletive, and said aloud, "How could an apparently animate lifeform carry out its entire life cycle without movement?"
The lifeform suddenly rose to its feet, exhibiting the first movement by it ever observed, stated in perfectly understandable Galactic, "It couldn't!," and promptly resumed its former seated position.
The answer struck the xenobiologist like a thunderbolt. "My God! Of course! IT ONLY STANDS TO REASON!!!"
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Raydar
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Report this Post02-10-2007 09:59 AM Click Here to See the Profile for RaydarClick Here to Email RaydarSend a Private Message to RaydarDirect Link to This Post
Ewww.
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Blacktree
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Report this Post02-10-2007 01:54 PM Click Here to See the Profile for BlacktreeClick Here to visit Blacktree's HomePageClick Here to Email BlacktreeSend a Private Message to BlacktreeDirect Link to This Post
Aaaah-hahaha!!! This is good stuff!
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Red88FF
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Report this Post02-10-2007 04:03 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Red88FFSend a Private Message to Red88FFDirect Link to This Post
You can always spot a professional cow for he is the one who is outstanding in his field.
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Fastback 86
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Report this Post02-10-2007 04:13 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Fastback 86Send a Private Message to Fastback 86Direct Link to This Post
Thats really awesome that my school puts on that contest.
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twofatguys
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Report this Post02-10-2007 04:31 PM Click Here to See the Profile for twofatguysClick Here to Email twofatguysSend a Private Message to twofatguysDirect Link to This Post
I take back my statement, after giving the site a second chance I found some I get, and actually think are funny.

"The steam rose off his sweaty red flannel shirt like cotton candy on a cardboard cone, if cotton candy were transparent in a misty sort of way and didn't actually stick to its cone, but instead rose upwards something like steam rising off a sweaty flannel shirt in the twilight of an early winter Vermont afternoon."

Thats good stuff, some are still way to deep for me though

Brad
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NEPTUNE
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Report this Post02-10-2007 07:02 PM Click Here to See the Profile for NEPTUNESend a Private Message to NEPTUNEDirect Link to This Post
The late Red Skelton once said: "Puns are the #1 form of humor.
And one is the lowest number there is."

That never stopped him. Or me.

Pap Smear: Slander your father.

Romania: Crazy about kayaks.

Realistic: Wooden devise for measuring building lots.

Acute alcoholic: An attractive drunk.

Gentile: What's on the floor of one of the two restrooms.

Biology: Study of shopping habits.

Exporter: Someone who used to work on trains.

Urinate: Simon Cowell told the American Idle contestant that the winner was a ten and
URINATE.


A man starts a vocal group while he's on a diet.
The diet consists of nothing but hormone pills, diet soda, and fruit.

So he calls the group the hormone, Tab and apple choir.

[This message has been edited by NEPTUNE (edited 02-10-2007).]

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sostock
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Report this Post02-10-2007 08:16 PM Click Here to See the Profile for sostockSend a Private Message to sostockDirect Link to This Post
yuk, yuk.

ok i'll play. be warned its baaaaad.

Little Bunny Foo-foo.

little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i'm going to give you two more chances and if you don't be good i'm going to turn you into a goon."

so they very next day little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i'm going to give you one more chance and if you don't be good i'm going to turn you into a goon."

so the next day little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i've given you two more chances so now i'm going to turn you into a goon." and she did just that.

moral of the story: hare today, goon tomorrow.
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TennT
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A man-eating lion had been terrorizing a small village where an English safari outfitter had its base.
To motivate the local hunters, the local pub offered free drinks to whomever brought in the lion.
Several hunters took up the challenge and proceeded to embark on a hunt to kill the beast.
The local pilot waited till all had left, loaded his plane with appropriate firepower, flew around till
he found a lion and sent the creature on.
Flying back, he acquired a truck, went out and retrieved the lion and won his reward.

Which proves: The shortest distance between 2 pints is a strafed lion

by Ed Zern
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NEPTUNE
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Report this Post02-11-2007 02:29 PM Click Here to See the Profile for NEPTUNESend a Private Message to NEPTUNEDirect Link to This Post


A young man who grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah, had dreams of being a great fiction writer.
All his novels and short stories were summarily refused by every publisher he submitted his work to.
Finally, out of desperation, he took a job as a carpenters helper just to pay the bills.


Now he's known as the Mormon Nailer!
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Report this Post02-11-2007 04:19 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Scott-WaClick Here to visit Scott-Wa's HomePageClick Here to Email Scott-WaSend a Private Message to Scott-WaDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by sostock:

yuk, yuk.

ok i'll play. be warned its baaaaad.

Little Bunny Foo-foo.

little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i'm going to give you two more chances and if you don't be good i'm going to turn you into a goon."

so they very next day little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i'm going to give you one more chance and if you don't be good i'm going to turn you into a goon."

so the next day little bunny foo foo went hopping through the forrest scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. along came the good fairy and she said "little bunny foo-foo, i don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. i've given you two more chances so now i'm going to turn you into a goon." and she did just that.

moral of the story: hare today, goon tomorrow.


My sisters were girl scouts... I can still sing that from memory.
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sostock
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Report this Post02-11-2007 04:28 PM Click Here to See the Profile for sostockSend a Private Message to sostockDirect Link to This Post
i wasn't sure where i got it from. my sister was in scouts and my mom was a troop leader. kinda gets in your head.

do you make the little bunny ears with your hand and make him hop?
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Report this Post02-11-2007 06:31 PM Click Here to See the Profile for TennTClick Here to Email TennTSend a Private Message to TennTDirect Link to This Post
At the end of the Civil War, a land lady asked her trusted man to go and find her husband who
had fallen in battle and bring him home to rest. The fellow found the burial site and proceeded
to bring him home. He did his best, but there was some confusion on the proper orientation of
the marker. Upon arriving home, the casket was opened and the man there was not her beloved,
but some gentleman named Kowalsky.
In her grief, she sharply admonished him for bringing home the wrong one,
to which the old man replied,
"I am so sorry Missus, I guess I don't know my Massah from a Pole in de ground"

Paraphrased from Ed Zern's "To Hell With Hunting"
tg
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Report this Post02-11-2007 09:24 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Gokart MozartClick Here to visit Gokart Mozart's HomePageSend a Private Message to Gokart MozartDirect Link to This Post
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, " I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Two men walk into a bar. One says "Ouch."
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Vonov
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Report this Post02-12-2007 01:03 AM Click Here to See the Profile for VonovClick Here to Email VonovSend a Private Message to VonovDirect Link to This Post
Horoscope: Surveillance device used by a vice squad.
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Blacktree
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Report this Post02-12-2007 01:10 AM Click Here to See the Profile for BlacktreeClick Here to visit Blacktree's HomePageClick Here to Email BlacktreeSend a Private Message to BlacktreeDirect Link to This Post
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

I can row a boat, canoe?

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the punchline.
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kinboyatuwo
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Report this Post02-12-2007 01:57 AM Click Here to See the Profile for kinboyatuwoClick Here to Email kinboyatuwoSend a Private Message to kinboyatuwoDirect Link to This Post
I see said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw!

Sorry its late

KIN
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Scott-Wa
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Report this Post02-12-2007 04:17 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Scott-WaClick Here to visit Scott-Wa's HomePageClick Here to Email Scott-WaSend a Private Message to Scott-WaDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by sostock:

i wasn't sure where i got it from. my sister was in scouts and my mom was a troop leader. kinda gets in your head.

do you make the little bunny ears with your hand and make him hop?


Made the fairy princess high voice... and the bopping them on the head moves
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Gokart Mozart
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Report this Post02-12-2007 04:35 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Gokart MozartClick Here to visit Gokart Mozart's HomePageSend a Private Message to Gokart MozartDirect Link to This Post
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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dguy
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Report this Post02-12-2007 09:30 AM Click Here to See the Profile for dguySend a Private Message to dguyDirect Link to This Post
A recent headline from a local news service reads "Princeton ESP lab shutting down after 28 years"

Apparently they couldn't forsee receiving any further funding.
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Euterpe
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Report this Post02-12-2007 10:31 AM Click Here to See the Profile for EuterpeClick Here to Email EuterpeDirect Link to This Post
two english gentlemen took their holiday in the countryside. knowing nothing whatever about the countryside apart from what they had read in pastoral romances, they went entirely unprepared, and soon found themselves slogging about in the muddy greensward, sodden as it was from a recent rain.

dirty and disheveled, they made their way toward a nearby farmhouse to beg for a fire to dry themselves by. as they neared it, they saw that a fence lay in their way. the first english gentleman started to go around it, but the second, in his haste, leapt across it in what he thought was a gallant display. the first english gentleman, seeing that the fence enclosed a pig pen, tried to dissuade the second... but he was too late, and the second english gentleman arced over the rails, caught his polished bootheel in the muck, and went down on his backside.

the first english gentleman helped his companion, now sopping and filthy, back across the fence. and as they made their careful way around it to the farmhouse door, the first said to the second, "it's as i've been telling you all along: the pen is muddier than the sward."
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Finally_Mine_86_GT
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Report this Post02-12-2007 10:38 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Finally_Mine_86_GTClick Here to Email Finally_Mine_86_GTSend a Private Message to Finally_Mine_86_GTDirect Link to This Post
i still think this was one of the funniest... lol
 
quote
The goose waddled slowly, heavily, across the road, exactly the way my mother-in-law would if she were a goose.

Mary Montiel
Wichita, KS
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Report this Post02-13-2007 03:24 AM Click Here to See the Profile for sostockSend a Private Message to sostockDirect Link to This Post
ok i posted this before but its dang funny.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the
bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this
as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

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TennT
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Report this Post02-13-2007 05:53 AM Click Here to See the Profile for TennTClick Here to Email TennTSend a Private Message to TennTDirect Link to This Post
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Report this Post02-14-2007 11:27 AM Click Here to See the Profile for VonovClick Here to Email VonovSend a Private Message to VonovDirect Link to This Post
"The nude skydiver, who was a genetic duplicate of his father, was arrested for making an obscene clone fall..."
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Raydar
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Report this Post02-14-2007 01:51 PM Click Here to See the Profile for RaydarClick Here to Email RaydarSend a Private Message to RaydarDirect Link to This Post
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

[This message has been edited by Raydar (edited 02-14-2007).]

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Toddster
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Report this Post02-14-2007 01:57 PM Click Here to See the Profile for ToddsterClick Here to Email ToddsterSend a Private Message to ToddsterDirect Link to This Post
Personally I like...err, dislike, this one the most:

"Sex with Rachel after she turned fifty was like driving the last-place team on the last day of the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the point no longer the ride but the finish, the difficulty not the speed but keeping all the parts moving in the right direction, not to mention all that irritating barking. "
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whadeduck
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Report this Post02-14-2007 01:57 PM Click Here to See the Profile for whadeduckClick Here to Email whadeduckSend a Private Message to whadeduckDirect Link to This Post
Two snakes walk into a bar. Wouldn't that be a site?

------------------
Whade' "The Duck Formerly Known As Wade" Duck
'87 GT Auto
'88 Ferrario
'84 Indy (8/26/06)

Relax! You've managed to suck all of the fun out of the room.

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