From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control:"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft:"I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

******************************************************************************************
**********
O'Hare's Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."


******************************************************************************************
************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San JoseTower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to the airport."

**************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa pilot (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

******************************************************************************************
**************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call-sign Speedbird 206 .
Speedbird 206:"Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground:"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

********************************************************* *********************************************
While taxiing at Londons airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, USAir 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communi cations frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Those were great, thanks

------------------

1984 Fiero SE

quote Originally posted by Vonov: but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.

ROFL

Excellent!

Thanks for sharing.

quote BR Continental 635:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

I KNEW that wasn't veal!

Oh Geez more of those please. I was reading them to some of the guys here just rolling laughing. I love the one about being there is 1944 and it being dark but not landing.
thanks needed a laugh today.

My list was definitely posted before, but some of them had me laughing so hard my eyes watered.
Once again...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Flight Announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

~~~~~~~~~~

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

~~~~~~~~~~

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

~~~~~~~~~~

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

~~~~~~~~~~

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

~~~~~~~~~~

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."

~~~~~~~~~~

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

~~~~~~~~~~

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite.

~~~~~~~~~~

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

~~~~~~~~~~

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

~~~~~~~~~~

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children... or other adults acting like children."

~~~~~~~~~~

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

~~~~~~~~~~

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault ...it was the asphalt."

~~~~~~~~~~

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

~~~~~~~~~~

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we
shot down?"

~~~~~~~~~~

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

~~~~~~~~~~

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."

~~~~~~~~~~

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the
flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

~~~~~~~~~~

On a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em.

[This message has been edited by Raydar (edited 01-15-2007).]

I was coming home from Las Vegas one time, changing planes in Phoenix, on an America West flight. It left on time and as we were climbing out the captain comes on:

"Good afternoon everyone and thank you for flying America West today. I'm your Captain, Bill, and my first officer is Jeff. If those of you on the left side of the aircraft would like to look out your window right now as we're climbing you can see the Hoover Dam. Those of you on the right, well, all you get to see is a lot of desert."

People cracked up on that and it was a fun flight. As we started our descent into Phoenix (and if you've ever made this flight you know it's not a long hop) he comes on again.

"This is Captain Bill again and we're beginning our descent into Phoenix Sky Harbor at this time. We'll be landing in about 10 minutes and my first officer, Jeff, will be making the approach and landing today because, well frankly, he hasn't been doing them very well lately and he needs the practice."

Everybody cracked up at Captain Bill again (and Jeff greased it really nicely, BTW). As we were taxiing in we get one more message from our good Captain.

"This is your Captain Bill again and I'd like to thank you all for flying America West today. I'm happy to tell you that we left on schedule and arrived 10 minutes early. On behalf of myself and the crew, thanks again for choosing America West........................Oh, and to the rest of my flight crew, there are only 6 shopping days left until my birthday, you can make your lives hard or easy, you choose."

I actually hung around to try to meet Captain Bill for a few minutes but I had to leave to make my connection to Wichita. I'd have sure liked to shake his hand and tell him how much I enjoyed the flight.

John Stricker

One of these days, I hope to have the opportunity to say this on the radio:

Tower: "Air Canada 1234, cleared for takeoff"

Me: "Take off, eh?"

True story.

On a flight from Charleston to Toledo Ohio the attendent was very overwieght. she did the "we will dim the lights for the flight for the sake of my beauty" and then she mentioned they also had cocktails "for her beauty". Then she said if we need anything just push the button above with the picture of the flight attendant on it. She said "i know what yall are thinkin' that picture is not life size, lookin at the button then lookin back up at me. well the picture does not accuratly portray my size. we would need a bigger plane for that. (we were on a 30 seat plane)

Cory

:so mabey its a "had to be there story"

Back in the mid-80's there was a remake of "lean on me" by Club Nouveau in Reggae style that had a part in it that went

we be jammin
we be jammin
etc.

When my older brother flew corporate jets for a company they stayed over in Atlanta one night and there was live music in the hotel bar. Some group, all white dudes, did this song and did it terribly. So bad, in fact, that neither my brother or his co-pilot could get it out of their minds. In fact, it got to be a standard response for them. They'd get up from breakfast or something and say "are you ready to go?" and the other would say "we be jammin'"

They left Atlanta the next afternoon and taxiied out to the runway and were told to taxi in to position and hold by the tower. They got cleared for takeoff....

tower: 43BB you're cleared for takeoff
43BB: 43BB is rolling
With the mic keyed, immediately after my brother announced they were rolling, the co-pilot said "we be jammin" and it got transmitted.
tower: 43BB we don't care "what you be doin" just be doin' it somewhere other than my runway........

I'd have paid good money to have a tape of that. Blackmail against your brother is a good thing to have later in life...

John Stricker

quote Originally posted by jstricker: Back in the mid-80's there was a remake of "lean on me" by Club Nouveau in Reggae style that had a part in it that went we be jammin we be jammin etc. When my older brother flew corporate jets for a company they stayed over in Atlanta one night and there was live music in the hotel bar. Some group, all white dudes, did this song and did it terribly.

I had a friend that was in a band that used to play on the south side. Sounds like a gig they could have played (and sounds suspiciously like his band, too.)