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funny Jokes I get emailed to me by proff
Started on: 06-27-2006 07:19 AM
Replies: 4
Last post by: whadeduck on 06-27-2006 01:43 PM
proff
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Report this Post06-27-2006 07:19 AM Click Here to See the Profile for proffClick Here to visit proff's HomePageClick Here to Email proffSend a Private Message to proffDirect Link to This Post

Where Do You Live?

You live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in upstate New York when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
THIS IS MUCH THE SAME AS DIFFERNT PARTS OF EAST TO WESTERN TO NORTHERN PARTS OF SYDNEY

Welfare Applications

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the U.S. to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

- I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

- Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

- I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

- I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

- This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

- Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

- I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

- In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

- My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

- Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

- You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

- I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

- I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

- In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
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The Church Gossip

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, in accusing new-member George after she saw his pickup truck parked all afternoon in front of the town's only bar. Said Sarah, "Everyone seeing it there would just know that he was an alcoholic!"

George, a taciturn sort, stared at her for a moment before simply walking away, saying nothing.

Later that evening, George parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house.

And proceeded to leave it there all night.
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Dangers of Casual E-Mailing

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter on the address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a loud scream, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.


P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE...
Dangerous Dihydrogen Monoxide

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."

* may cause severe burns.

* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

* as an industrial solvent and coolant.

* in nuclear power plants.

* in the production of styrofoam.

* as a fire retardant.

* in many forms of cruel animal research.

* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

* as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.

(Note: Dihydrogen monoxide is another way of saying H20, or just plain water)

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jstntlvr
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Report this Post06-27-2006 11:34 AM Click Here to See the Profile for jstntlvrClick Here to visit jstntlvr's HomePageSend a Private Message to jstntlvrDirect Link to This Post
I love the Di-hydrogen Monoxide bit that's one of my favorite Bull **** episodes
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Raydar
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Report this Post06-27-2006 11:48 AM Click Here to See the Profile for RaydarClick Here to Email RaydarSend a Private Message to RaydarDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by jstntlvr:

I love the Di-hydrogen Monoxide bit ...


My wife is a Chemistry teacher. She has great fun with that one.
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squisher86SE
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Report this Post06-27-2006 01:30 PM Click Here to See the Profile for squisher86SESend a Private Message to squisher86SEDirect Link to This Post
Dihydrogen oxide? What about doubly hydrogenated oxygen radical?!

Although the church gossip one...heheheheeeeeheheee! Too good!

The welfare letters are just scary, since those are real, and I can imagine people who would be "needing" welfare would be about that smart.
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whadeduck
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Report this Post06-27-2006 01:43 PM Click Here to See the Profile for whadeduckClick Here to Email whadeduckSend a Private Message to whadeduckDirect Link to This Post
Oh, you should have left the explanation of H2O off the end just to see what happened.

------------------
Whade' "The Duck Formerly Known As Wade" Duck
'87 GT Auto
'88 Ferrario

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