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Oh Please I need Help on this!! Kinda Long by Justneedadvice
Started on: 03-16-2002 06:44 PM
Replies: 45
Last post by: Dumba$$ on 03-19-2002 11:45 PM
Justneedadvice
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Report this Post03-16-2002 06:44 PM Click Here to See the Profile for JustneedadviceClick Here to Email JustneedadviceSend a Private Message to JustneedadviceDirect Link to This Post
Ok I am a regular poster on here,
I have created this temporary ID for soon to be obvious reasons.

Here is my problem.
I am a married man, My wife has Really bad bad bad depression. It has over the last few years made being married to her worse and worse. One minute she is all loveing and careing, and the next she hates my guts. I have tried and tried to be a good husband. I give her anything she wants and/or needs, I take care of her, I give up everything for her. But lately the fights have been getting worse and worse. I know she loves me but I just cannot take it.

Now here is the second problem which makes the first one even worse.

I chat on ICQ alot, with alot of people.
I happened to meet a girl who lives in the same town as me. We became really good friends. She is divorced and has a 6 year old son. Well over the last few months we have become REALLY REALLY good friends. I have not cheated on my wife. I have done nothing with this girl. But... I want to sometimes. Ok alot of the time. She is very beautiful, LOVES Fiero's, (My wife hates them) Loves the same music I do and loudly just like me. We have alot of fun when we are hanging out. My wife won't even leave the house anymore. I find myself thinking about this girl all the time. I even went last week and bought her a nice 87 GT for her birthday. I made it very clear it was a purchase of friendship. But she and I both know there is more than a friendship hiding with us. But because I AM married neither of us act upon our urges.

She has made her feelings about me very clear and they are great.

Ok so basically I am falling in love with her. But I don't want to do my wife wrong.
Actually I guess it is more of a guilt deal.
If I divorce my wife, I am going to feel bad for leaving her in her current state.

But I know this is going to sound bad but, I did not sign up for this. When I said I DO I never knew I was going to have a wife who could not function in society, or private.
Am I a horrid Humanbeing? What should I do?

Any ideas, thoughts, suggestions, or just flat out smacks about the head and shoulders would be greatly appreaciated.

Please help me PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

A Fellow Fieronut in Trouble

Like I said I do love my wife, I am just not sure if I can take it anymore.

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Jake_Dragon
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Report this Post03-16-2002 06:50 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Jake_DragonSend a Private Message to Jake_DragonDirect Link to This Post
Have you taken her for professional help? If she won’t go you should go without her and find out how to get her to go the next time. Don't give up.
If you truly love her show it, get involved find out what is wrong. Be very careful, a depressed person is not someone to make a mistake with. Seek professional help.
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Report this Post03-16-2002 07:04 PM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneDirect Link to This Post
I'm in the same boat, with the first part anyway, the depression thing. We've been to all the counseling bit, got her on some meds, & it's helped a lot. But her's is caused from phsyical pain from a number of concurrent illnesses. Go with her to counseling. Most states, (assuming you are in the U.S.) have an office called MHMR-Mental Health Mental Retardation. Going there doesn't mean anyone is retarded, it's just the name of the place. Taking care of people with depression is one of the things they do. Can't help you with the 'other woman' problem. (ya bought her an 87?? Almost wish I were gay )Good luck.
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Report this Post03-16-2002 07:06 PM Click Here to See the Profile for JustneedadviceClick Here to Email JustneedadviceSend a Private Message to JustneedadviceDirect Link to This Post
We have done the pro help thing. Nothing seems to work. It just gets worse and worse and worse
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Report this Post03-16-2002 07:26 PM Click Here to See the Profile for DaRkLoRDClick Here to Email DaRkLoRDSend a Private Message to DaRkLoRDDirect Link to This Post
having never been married, or even having any kind of serious relationship yet, I'm not exactly endowed with experience with stuff like this.... but here goes, I'm gonna try to not sound like an idiot with this.

depression is something I've had to deal with for the last 7 years of my life.. and it's still not over. I choose not to take drugs for it though, because a lot of the time I'm fine, like when I'm with friends etc. it's only when I'm alone that I get really down... easy solution to that one, I gotta become more sociable. There are drugs that can help depression, it's not like it's an incurable illness.

I know a lot of people who feel that people should stay married no matter what, but in some cases it's better to split up so both people can grow separately from each other. in this case from what I've read, it doesn't sound like either person is doing all that well.

I know what I'd do in this situation.. but I'm not in this situation, so my opinion doesn't really have much merit.

If you're staying with your wife because you feel you have to, consider what could happen if you left. if you left, your life and happiness would certainly improve, but could hers get much worse? possibly.. but it could also get better, starting a new life might change her outlook on things, though since the depression is really serious, medication might be the solution for her.

best of luck with this situation

------------------
steve@fieroproject.com
http://www.fieroproject.com

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Report this Post03-16-2002 07:32 PM Click Here to See the Profile for JustneedadviceClick Here to Email JustneedadviceSend a Private Message to JustneedadviceDirect Link to This Post
The Doctors keep her pretty heavily medicated. She has been on just about every depression medication you can think of. all of them work for about a month. Then straight back dow to hell. Usually after the meds it is worse than it was previously. She is on meds now they help some. At least she gets 2 or 3 good days out of the month that she is not suicidal or close to it.

I guess I fear if I do leave her she will commit suicide. Just from statements she has made in the past. That I could not live with. Like I said I DO love her. But I just don't know if I can continue to go on like this myself.

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Report this Post03-16-2002 07:39 PM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneDirect Link to This Post
After seeing your last post, maybe you should read this. You just can't jump from one anti-depressant to another. http://paxil.bizland.com/jbuzzw.htm

[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 03-16-2002).]

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Report this Post03-16-2002 07:43 PM Click Here to See the Profile for JustneedadviceClick Here to Email JustneedadviceSend a Private Message to JustneedadviceDirect Link to This Post
They never took her from one to another. This has all been over a few years. With an average of 5-6 months between meds.

Heck of a price for someone to have to pay to try to find the right meds I might ad.
Some of them put her into the DT's in a horrid way.

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Report this Post03-16-2002 07:57 PM Click Here to See the Profile for SleeperClick Here to Email SleeperSend a Private Message to SleeperDirect Link to This Post
tell your wife how you feel...FOLLOW YOUR HEART. maybe your wife is depressed over the same situtation your thinking about so when you tell her she'll snap outta it.
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Report this Post03-16-2002 07:59 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Mach10Click Here to Email Mach10Send a Private Message to Mach10Direct Link to This Post
Personally, I think it's YOU that needs help right now. You are stressed, tired, resentful, and confused.

As cold as it sounds, forget your wife's problems, and deal with your own. You are NO good to her messed up.

Get YOURSELF some pro help. Don't end a marriage like that. It's WRONG. Wrong to you, wrong to your friend, and WRONG to your wife.

Adultery is %50 thought and %50 action. Back off this relationship, and fix the one at home. Seriously.

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Report this Post03-16-2002 08:11 PM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneDirect Link to This Post
Good advice Mach10, in a perfect world. Married life isn't that simple. I might suggest the 2 of them sit down & HONESTLY find out what they want with each other. It may be thy both are ready to call it quits and go their separate ways, just neither has had he guts to say so to the other. It happens, often.
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Report this Post03-16-2002 08:30 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Mach10Click Here to Email Mach10Send a Private Message to Mach10Direct Link to This Post
The problem as I see it is that needadvice is worn out. Dealing with extended illness (and make no mistake, depression is an illness) is very hard on those close to the afflicted. Although he may not harbor any outward resentment towards his wife, the fact is that he is tired of having to deal with it. The "friend" represents sanctuary from his problems. It's a viscious circle, because this same friend will introduce MORE stress, which makes the problems at home worse, which makes him turn to his friend... Ad nauseum.

Although you feel strongly for the lady, it's out of duress. NOT a good thing to base a relationship on.

needadvice: Stop seeing the lady. Talk over ICQ if need be, but you need to sort things out for yourself. Go see someone to talk to.

Who knows? Maybe your wife will be able to pull out? Either through her own efforts, or the help of medication. The nicest outcome would be for you to be able to look back at this and laugh.

One thing: I don't think you are a bad person, or that you are doing something evil. That's not for me to decide. I feel for what you are going through. It must be terribly hard.

I would like to add something. If you sit down with the wife, and DO decide to part, DO NOT run off with your friend. If you care about each other at all, you'll give yourselves time to calm down, and make mature decisions.

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Report this Post03-16-2002 08:37 PM Click Here to See the Profile for ejayerikSend a Private Message to ejayerikDirect Link to This Post
Sounds to me like manic depression. My ex had the same thing. However, she (on her down times) would see things and wonder around aimlessly. Help..both of you need help. Believe it or not, she can bring you down with her. Just make sure she understands that you are there for her and that what you do and where you go to get help is for the benifit of both of you.
And in my opinion, shame on your "friend" for trying to take advantage of the situation. Good friend or not, if you both know there is more to the GT than a friendly gift, she shouldn't have taken it. Just my opinion though. Seems more of her trying to squeeze in the picture than you trying to squeeze out.
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Report this Post03-16-2002 08:49 PM Click Here to See the Profile for SpringtymeClick Here to Email SpringtymeSend a Private Message to SpringtymeDirect Link to This Post
I've been where your wife is and let me tell you even medication does not help what you feel inside. Sit down and talk to her about why she feels this way, who knows, it may be something simple, or it may be something complex. Honestly, if she is so depressed, I wouldn't put it past her to commit suicide were you to leave her, especially now in her time of need. I agree with Mach10, stop seeing the lady. Your wife needs you right now, and you of all people should remember your vows "Through sickness and in health, good times and bad" Right now it seems like you want to bail out on something that used to be so wonderful. Don't get the idea in your head that it will never be wonderful again. Maybe what you both need is a week away, go on a trip to the mountains or to the shore, or even to the middle of nowhere where you can be alone. I may not be 30+ years old, but I have seen many marriges go down because of adultery, my own parents included. It's not easy on anyone, espcially those who are getting divorced...


(I do not think you are a bad person, not at all. I do not want you to think that I think that, but I do think that you should have more faith in your wife, and in your marrige than you do and that you should have never, EVER have met that woman from ICQ)

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Report this Post03-16-2002 09:08 PM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneDirect Link to This Post
Springtyme-Mach10-are either of you married-been married?
Let's ask a few general questions.
How old are you & your wife?(20's 30's 40's etc)
Married how long? (again no need to be specific)
Children? (yes or no)
The friend's approx age?
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Report this Post03-16-2002 09:17 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Mach10Click Here to Email Mach10Send a Private Message to Mach10Direct Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by maryjane:
Springtyme-Mach10-are either of you married-been married?
Let's ask a few general questions.
How old are you & your wife?(20's 30's 40's etc)
Married how long? (again no need to be specific)
Children? (yes or no)
The friend's approx age?

Yes. I'm married to Springtyme!

No, I just call it as I sees it. This is advice I've heard being given, and a little bit of stuff from my little episode Anxiety research, and some Psych studies...

I'm NOT a counsellor, or shrink, or ANYTHING. Just my opinions.

MJ: No such thing as a text-book case, true... Aim for perfect, but accept whatever comes out the oven. There's no such thing as "Real World" advice, because there'll ALWAYS be an exception. He asked for advice, I gave what I thought was MY best answer...

In otherwords: GET OFF ME DOG!

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Report this Post03-16-2002 09:52 PM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneDirect Link to This Post
I gave my thoughts on it, I'm thru, wish you the best of luck. It's gonna be tough on all of you.
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Report this Post03-16-2002 11:50 PM Click Here to See the Profile for JustneedadviceClick Here to Email JustneedadviceSend a Private Message to JustneedadviceDirect Link to This Post
I see everyone's points.
I am 30's My wife is 40ish, The friend is mid 30's. We have no kids.

I have been married for about 6 years.
My wife and I have both been thru counseling.
This has been going on for a long time. I do love my wife, I know I said for better or for worse, For sickness or in health. And I don't want to break those, I just don't know if I can keep it up anymore. It is hard. I know it is not her fault, but it is just hard to do. I don't think it is fair anyone should have to go thru what she is going thru, but nor is it fair for anyone to have to go thru what I go thru as well.

Please don't get me wrong, I do so love my wife.
I do see everyone's point, I think what I need to do is to go away alone for a few days. Take a nice mini vacation. Do some serious thinking. I just don't know what to do anymore.

On one hand is my wife who I deeply love.
But makes my life a living hell.

And on the other is a woman I have met and become very very fond of, and makes my life a dream when I am with her.

One thing I have always loved about this forum is when someone needs an ear, we have a few thousand ready to listen.

I love you all,
You have been great to me for a while.
And in my darkest and most confusing hours of my life, you are here for me again.

Edited for spelling, I am sure there is more.

[This message has been edited by Justneedadvice (edited 03-16-2002).]

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Report this Post03-16-2002 11:56 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Mach10Click Here to Email Mach10Send a Private Message to Mach10Direct Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by Justneedadvice:
I see everyone's points.
I am 30's My wife is 40ish, The friend is mid 30's. We have no kids.

I have been married for about 6 years.
My wife and I have both been thru counseling.
This has been going on for a long time. I do love my wife, I know I said for better or for worse, For sickness or in health. And I don't want to break those, I just don't know if I can keep it up anymore. It is hard. I know it is not her fault, but it is just hard to do. I don't think it is fair anyone should have to go thru what she is going thru, but nor is it fair for anyone to have to go thru what I go thru as well.

Please don't get me wrong, I do so love my wife.
I do see everyone's point, I think what I need to do is to go away alone for a few days. Take a nice mini vacation. Do some serious thinking. I just don't know what to do anymore.

On one hand is my wife who I deeply love.
But makes my life a living hell.

And on the other is a woman I have met and become very very fond of, and makes my life a dream when I am with her.

One thing I have always loved about this forum is when someone needs an ear, we have a few thousand ready to listen.

I love you all,
You have been great to me for a while.
And in my darkest and most confusing hours of my life, you are here for me again.

Edited for spelling, I am sure there is more.

[This message has been edited by Justneedadvice (edited 03-16-2002).]

Yes! Take some time to yourself. Get some sun/ski/whatever.

You need a break. Hopefully your path will be clearer when you get back.

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Report this Post03-17-2002 12:04 AM Click Here to See the Profile for 72vinmanClick Here to Email 72vinmanSend a Private Message to 72vinmanDirect Link to This Post
Life is too short to be miserable all the time. Follow your heart. If you decide to stay with your wife and things stay the same or get worse later on you may resent her even more for taking away your chance for true happiness. I know it will be very difficult now but try to think of what life will be like for you down the road a few years. Remeber it is your choice and you must live with it no matter what you choose.

It's like that old saying "Live, Love, Laugh"
Good luck

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Report this Post03-17-2002 12:12 AM Click Here to See the Profile for 84BillClick Here to visit 84Bill's HomePageSend a Private Message to 84BillDirect Link to This Post
Ok you asked for it.
You damn well better love your wife. You took those vows 7 years ago. So bag the "friend" and help your wife like you promiced her and whatever god you sealed it under. The problem these days is people aint worth a sheit when it comes to giving their word. If you do abandon her, you not only be worthless crap as far as an honest man is concerned but you will also be a coward. You already qualify as a cheater and a quitter in many ways but why not wait and lump it all together into on ball and hand it to your wife one nite.
You are treading on some thin ice so better go back where the ground is more solid before you fall through and make a real mess of yourself.

Yeah your wife may hate your guts and for good reason... she aint stupid you know so dont add foolish idiot to the above list.

Bag that vaccation "time to think" crap. how about breakfast in bed for the wife tomorow and a little more time just chatting with her.

[This message has been edited by 84Bill (edited 03-17-2002).]

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Report this Post03-17-2002 12:29 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Mach10Click Here to Email Mach10Send a Private Message to Mach10Direct Link to This Post

There goes an angry, angry man!

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Report this Post03-17-2002 12:40 AM Click Here to See the Profile for 84BillClick Here to visit 84Bill's HomePageSend a Private Message to 84BillDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by Mach10:

There goes an angry, angry man!

Me?
Naw, just laying out the cards plain and simple.
I just hate liars and people that cheat.
Like the car salesman that sold me a car with a bumper to bumper warenty that didnt cover an alternator that went one week after I got the car. Somehow the alternator resides outside of that covered area, think of it like the warrenty starting at the front bumper and going all the way around the world to the rear bumper VIOLA! bumper to bumper but not under the hood.

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Report this Post03-17-2002 07:17 AM Click Here to See the Profile for SpringtymeClick Here to Email SpringtymeSend a Private Message to SpringtymeDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by maryjane:
Springtyme-Mach10-are either of you married-been married?
Let's ask a few general questions.
How old are you & your wife?(20's 30's 40's etc)
Married how long? (again no need to be specific)
Children? (yes or no)
The friend's approx age?

No, I'm not married, no I haven't been married, but I am engaged so I guess that means that I will be married, and I have depression as his wife does and let me tell you it's not easy. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I had to be married in order to throw in my comments. Next time I'll ask. Sorry.

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Report this Post03-17-2002 12:14 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Ferrari FanClick Here to visit Ferrari Fan's HomePageClick Here to Email Ferrari FanSend a Private Message to Ferrari FanDirect Link to This Post
I know someone is going to jump my -_-_ for this, but it's the way I feel about it. Actually, I think this is one of those post that I have written what I thought, but I dont think I should post it.

Oh, what the hell...... I would leave, if it was me. If I knew that I had did everything that I could to help her and nothing was working, then yes, I would leave. I know now I'm going to get hit with the love issue, but theres no need of driving yourself crazy for something you can't fix. Sorry, but thats just the way that I feel, and I think that you feel the same way also.
Remember, we can only tell you what we think, deep down inside you are going to do what you want and by the way your post reads, I think you have already made up your mind.

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Report this Post03-17-2002 02:22 PM Click Here to See the Profile for maryjaneSend a Private Message to maryjaneDirect Link to This Post
Springtyme, I didn't mean to infer that you had to be married to have an opinion. But there is in fact a lot of difference between dating or being engaged, and living day to day with someone for years & years at a time. It wears on both parties, and takes 100% commitment from both-a lot of sacrifice from each. Jane is being treated for depression, caused by severe pain from a brain tumor and MS. I am very familar with depression. I will never consider leaving her, wouldn't trade her for anyone posted in the Gwen Stefani thread, or anyone else, but Depression is difficult for most men to comprehend, as it predominantly affects women. Men mostly just shake things off, I don't know why or how, we just do, both physical & mental afflictions. I'm sorry if I offended you, perhaps I should have worded it better.

[This message has been edited by maryjane (edited 03-17-2002).]

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Report this Post03-17-2002 03:42 PM Click Here to See the Profile for 84BillClick Here to visit 84Bill's HomePageSend a Private Message to 84BillDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by Ferrari Fan:

Oh, what the hell...... [b]I would leave, if it was me.
If I knew that I had did everything that I could to help her and nothing was working, then yes, I would leave. I know now I'm going to get hit with the love issue, but theres no need of driving yourself crazy for something you can't fix. Sorry, but thats just the way that I feel, and I think that you feel the same way also.
Remember, we can only tell you what we think, deep down inside you are going to do what you want and by the way your post reads, I think you have already made up your mind.[/B]

What? You mean you would kill yourself? Till death do us part is how it goes. It should read " Till death do us part or until I get tired of you or what ever reason I feel important"
If you are not sure you can handel that adult level of comitment then don't get married. Crazy is saying I DO and living with a person come hell or high water. These days commitment is an oximoron, a word used on witch to build something undestructable and can easily be destroyed if deemed useless.

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Report this Post03-17-2002 03:49 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Ferrari FanClick Here to visit Ferrari Fan's HomePageClick Here to Email Ferrari FanSend a Private Message to Ferrari FanDirect Link to This Post
Sorry 84 Bill, thats just the way I feel about it. I guess that's why I never got married and will never have the chance now......
It's not that I would be tired of her. What else could I do, live the rest of my life in hell trying to fix something that can't be fixed? I beleive that the one thing you have to look out for is yourself!
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Report this Post03-17-2002 05:11 PM Click Here to See the Profile for hughClick Here to Email hughSend a Private Message to hughDirect Link to This Post
I have no experience with what you are going through.Have you gone away,just the two of you,someplace where you can be alone and understand each others feelings?Taking whatever time is necessary to make the rest of your life more comfortable is more important now than anything else in your life.Whether it be 7 years like your's or 40 like mine it should be "I am she and she is me"and do whatever is needed to make it right.
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Justneedadvice
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Report this Post03-17-2002 07:50 PM Click Here to See the Profile for JustneedadviceClick Here to Email JustneedadviceSend a Private Message to JustneedadviceDirect Link to This Post
I don't want anyone to think I have left the thread. I am still here. Reading everyone's input. And soaking it up. As far the whole vows bit. I am not trying to make marriage out to be a throw away item. I as I have said many times, Do love my wife. But when I said my vows, I had no idea that she had this illness. I know know she has had it her whole life, but kept it hidden from me. For that I do not resent her. But if I had known that going in I prolly wouldn't have gotten married. It takes a special person to give everything and recieve nothing in return.
I just do not know if I am that person.
We have taken off alone on a few ocassions, and it is always the same thing over and over. Things are great for about 2 days.
Then it is the smae thing all over again.
I do not know what I will do.


Maryjane,
I am sorry to hear jane is sick as well.
You are a helluva man to be with her thru it all. I am just not sure if I can be that kind of a man any longer. Those who know me know I am not a selfish person. I give to anyone and everyone. But I just am running out of things to give.


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Fierochic88
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Report this Post03-17-2002 08:41 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Fierochic88Click Here to Email Fierochic88Send a Private Message to Fierochic88Direct Link to This Post
I am not going to say I have an opinion on this either way...but I will say this...when you look back on your life in ten years, what do you want to see? Where do you want to find yourself?

Jennifer

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ShootingStar
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Report this Post03-17-2002 09:05 PM Click Here to See the Profile for ShootingStarSend a Private Message to ShootingStarDirect Link to This Post
I can't offer any help here, but I can offer my support.
We're all behind u 100%, whatever decision u make, I just hope you're happy after you've made it. Good luck!

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84Bill
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Report this Post03-18-2002 12:19 AM Click Here to See the Profile for 84BillClick Here to visit 84Bill's HomePageSend a Private Message to 84BillDirect Link to This Post
We have taken off alone on a few ocassions, and it is always the same thing over and over. Things are great for about 2 days.
Then it is the smae thing all over again.

I do not know what I will do.


Here is my advice / responce to that

1 That is called a relationship and it aint always a beaming sunny day driving your fiero with the sunroof off, it does get cloudy and rainy too. If you dont see it coming you get wet putting the roof panel back on to cover your ass.
Your next wife wont be any different. maybe not the exact same thing but there will be problems and I'll give 5 to 1 you and your girlfriend will get to scrapping after some time together.

2. Do what you vowed to do.


Seems to me you just want support in your decision to leave your wife, I won't give you that because it's a cop out. Maybe you need to take the photo album out and remember where you two came from.

Oh and remember if this "friend" you are with now does not honor the fact that you are married, what makes you think she is at all trust worthey.. because she promiced? HAHAHAHA!!!! AHHAHAHHHH!!

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fierospeeder
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Report this Post03-18-2002 03:17 AM Click Here to See the Profile for fierospeederClick Here to visit fierospeeder's HomePageClick Here to Email fierospeederSend a Private Message to fierospeederDirect Link to This Post
has something happened to your wife's past that made her depressed? I dont know all the scientific facts about depression. But i do know some people have screwed up childhood and still live with the "fears" they had. And it does explain why they dont really live "normally"

How was your wife when u first married her, was she depressed, or did u know about it.

I wouldn't leave your wife just like that. Cause that can really screw her up. That wouldn't be right to hurt her anymore.

What does your wife like doing? Try doing those things with her a lot. Like if she likes putting puzzles together (example) just spend the whole day putting a puzzle together with her. Next day, just go out mountainbiking with her(if she likes that). If she still doesn't feel happy, then theres probably something thats still "in her mind" thats keeping her from having fun.

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Club281
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Report this Post03-18-2002 04:24 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Club281Click Here to Email Club281Send a Private Message to Club281Direct Link to This Post
I agree with Ferrari Fan. I think you've made up your mind already and you're looking for justification for your actions.

You have said two things that contrast:

You say you love her and you value your marriage but you also mentioned that when you said "I do" you had no idea of her illness; that it wasn't a part of the bargain.


There are marriages that are annulled because one party has hidden something from the other. If you need to justify the guilt behind a possible divorce, there it is.


You need to make a decision now. If you continue what you have been doing...you WILL cheat on your wife. Others believe you already have.

If you go one way or the other I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. Please remember that the longer you idle with this decision, the more pain awaits all parties in the end.


(These are just my thoughts. If you dont agree with them...please PM me. Do not litter this important thread with flames. Thank you)

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Springtyme
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Report this Post03-18-2002 08:19 AM Click Here to See the Profile for SpringtymeClick Here to Email SpringtymeSend a Private Message to SpringtymeDirect Link to This Post
 
quote
Originally posted by maryjane:
Springtyme, I didn't mean to infer that you had to be married to have an opinion. But there is in fact a lot of difference between dating or being engaged, and living day to day with someone for years & years at a time. It wears on both parties, and takes 100% commitment from both-a lot of sacrifice from each.

It's alright, you didn't offend me, thats just the way it seemed to me. I have lived with Eric for a little over a year now, and it is hard. There are times when I want to bail, and I'm sure there are times when he wants to bail, but for some reason we stick it out. Maybe it's love, maybe it's stupidity, but no matter what, it's just my opinion that anyone that takes their vows should take them seriously. Now I'm not sure if he even knew about her depression problem before they were married, but *IF* he did, then he should have thought long and hard before he said "I Do" As they say, things are going to get a he!! of a lot worse before they get better, and this may be the case.


**** just my $0.02 ****

(edited for spelling)

[This message has been edited by Springtyme (edited 03-18-2002).]

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Ken Wittlief
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Report this Post03-18-2002 09:38 AM Click Here to See the Profile for Ken WittliefSend a Private Message to Ken WittliefDirect Link to This Post
Justneedadvice - here is the straight dope!

1. The professionals have only begun to realize that depression affects the WHOLE family - not only the person who 'has' it - one person may have a chemical or genetic disposition to be depressed, but having a depressed person in your home creates a SITUATION that will cause the rest of the family to also become depressed and/or to suffer anxiety problems.

2. The situtaion you are in is what NORMALLY happpens when a husband or wife is depressed for a long period of time - there are things that seem to you like the right thing to do to help your wife - things that any reasonable and loving spouse would logically do - but they only make the depression WORSE - you cant figure this out on your own - you need help with this.

3. THIS is MOST important- A man gets his personal feeling of self respect and self worth primarilly by seeing whether or not he has made his wife happy! In a normal relationship this works very well, but if your wife suffers from depression then you are trying to do the impossible! there is no way you are going to make a depressed person happy by bringing her breakfast in bed, spending time with her, doing special things for her.

And in the end you end up feeling like a giant sack of $hit - cause your own wife is miserable and you feel like its your fault.

Its not your fault - you didnt cause her to be depressed

but - the things a person normally would do to help a depressed person CAN make the situation worse.

Today, during lunch or right after work, goto a good bookstore and goto the physcology section (not the self help or marriage...) and look for books with titles like:

living with a depressed spouse
hand-me-down blues
living with a person who has a mental illness

pick up a few and read them where your wife wont see you or find them

depression is a fatal mental illness - just like some people see things that arnt there, and hear voices that arnt there, depressed people have emotions that come out of nowhere - their feelings have nothing to do with what is going on in their lives

but thats not the whole story. depressed people also tend to take things in a negative way - you say "dinner was great tonight" and they think " so yesterdays dinner was Kwrap!"

depressed people also tend to have a negative self image, so even when you tell them you love them, they dont accept it, they dont believe it.

Right now you and your wife are locked in a dance - her depression and your responses - that is spiraling downward

the professionals you are seeing are not helping you - they often tend to focus on the depressed person only, and ignore the rest of the family (spouse, children parents and even friends are affected by one persons depression)

first you need to get the big picture - then you need to stop the dance - and at some point you need to decide if you want to ride this thing out, and spend the rest of your life coping with a person who has a serious illness, or if you want to bail out.

If you can get to the point where your wife and you both understand that depression is causing many of your problems, and you begin to find ways to deal with them, then you could have a great relationship together - making depression the enemy instead of each other - fighting it instead of fighing her.

But please keep this one thing at the forefront of your thinking at all times: Just because your wife suffers from a mental illness, that doesnt mean she is crazy - that doesnt mean you can write her off - you have to treat her like an adult - you have to treat her with dignity and respect - you have to treat her like an intelligent human being.

ditch the internet and ditch the lover (even if you dont have sex its not right to be in love with another woman)

you wife has an illness, like cancer or diabetes, or like something that confines you to a wheelchair - but she is still your wife

when you take the vow, its not the 'till death' part that counts, its the 'for better or worst, sickness and health' part that counts - you ended up with 'sickness and worse'

That woman you married needs you - she needs you more than anyone else does. Feel free to email me directly :

wittlief@aol.com or Kenneth.wittlief@usa.xerox.com

-Ken

[This message has been edited by Ken Wittlief (edited 03-18-2002).]

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Oreif
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Report this Post03-18-2002 11:22 AM Click Here to See the Profile for OreifClick Here to visit Oreif's HomePageClick Here to Email OreifSend a Private Message to OreifDirect Link to This Post
I think Ken's view is the way to go if you want to stay with your Wife. It sounds more or less like you are blaming her for her depression. This of course will affect what you do. As you stated, If you had known this before you got married you may have done things differently. My question is "why?". You obviously married her for who she was as a whole person. The depression can be dealt with once things like understanding where it comes from and ways around it. The library would be quite useful for information under the subjects Ken mentioned. But I must caution you not to grab the first book you see and use it as the absolute guide. Depression can come from many sources and require different approaches. Just because something works for one type doesn't mean it works for all. You actually may end up using 2 or 3 different approaches tailored to your situation.

It will require lots of work and time on your part. This is also something you need to take into account. Do you want to invest the time? We're not talking weeks and months, it'll take years. Since there isn't a "miracle cure" you will need to keep ahead of it.

You've invested 6 years already in the marrage, What you decide to do is your choice. We can only give you advice based on how we interpret what you tell us. The situation, although some have experienced simular things, it is still unique to you and her.

You've read the above views from many different people. Some above are single, some are married, others have had simular situations. Part of your answer is in them. You need to evaluate all of the above and ask/answer questions within yourself.

Finally, If the depression has been there for a long time, Is there someone on her side of the family that can offer assistance?
Or was it hidden from her family as well?
I know that we must all do what we feel is right. You are basically at a crossroad on the highway of life. Sitting in your Fiero at a stop sign. Do you go left? right? or straight ahead? As for what is in each direction, is for you to name. Once a path has been decided upon, It is time to open the throttle and go for it.

Hope this helps,

------------------

Happiness isn't around the corner...
Happiness IS the corner.

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Ken Wittlief
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Report this Post03-18-2002 12:37 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Ken WittliefSend a Private Message to Ken WittliefDirect Link to This Post
If I can get philosophical for a minute

I realized only a short while ago that almost everything I can think of, that we do as human beings, is due to, driven by, or in response to

Errors!

If we dont eat we will die. If we dont have clothes and shelter we will die. If we dont have doctors we will die.

and if we do everything correctly we will still die eventually.

we dont live where we work so we need cars and planes and transportation

we cant be where we want to be all the time so we have phones and TVs and radios

take a windy hilly roads and eliminate all the errors and you have a straight and level highway - which would be as boring as h#ll to drive on.

eliminate the need to eat, and you eliminate hunger, but you also eliminate the need for pizza and hot fudge sundays and eggs benedict on sunday morning

eliminate death and you eliminate the need to have children- and there would be no such thing as a child or a parent, a sibling, grandparent of grandchild, aunt, uncle, cousin - and there would be no need for a husband or wife either.

eliminate the error conditions in our lives and you also eliminate the heros. get rid of the challenges and you get rid of the strugging, the growth, and the acheivement.

we tend to fall into a pattern of thinking, if I can only solve these two or three problems, if I had more money, or a better job, or a better relationship, a new car... then everything would be better

but if you take this to its logical extreem, and solve all our problems, then we would literally have nothing to do, nothing to talk about, nothing to look forward to - and all the characteristics we cherish in each other as human beings would dissapear.

So much so that we create artifical errors soley for the purpose of fixing them - we shuffel a deck of cards only to straighten them back out and call it 'Solitare'

we put a football at one end of a grass field and tell 11 men it needs to be at the other end.

Instead of taking the highway we take the curvy sceanic route.

Living with a person who suffers from depression is not fun, but it is a problem to be solved - its a challenge to deal with - its an enemy to overcome and defeat

in the long run, when you look back on your life, its not how much fun you had, or how easy and pleasant your life was

its how many hurtles you jumped over - its the challenges you faced - how the fires burned away the outward appearance and exposed your real, inside character

thats whats going to be important.

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Justneedadvice
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Report this Post03-18-2002 12:39 PM Click Here to See the Profile for JustneedadviceClick Here to Email JustneedadviceSend a Private Message to JustneedadviceDirect Link to This Post
Well I have read and read and read.
I have followed everyone's posts very closely. For the most part Everyone has been very helpful. But thus far the 2 that have really made sense have been Ken Whittlief and Orief. You guys, You both do make alot of sense. Ken I think you may have hit the nail on the head. First I would like to emphasize, I did not TRY to find a ( Lover)
I just needed a friend. And she was there.
I would much rather be with my wife. And Ken I may take you up on your offer.

It has been a very very confusing time for me.
As it stands right now I am not talking to My friend.
I told her I needed to back off and do some thinking. She was most understanding, and told me she would always be my friend if nothing else. She really is a sweet girl, she has been the shoulder I have been (litterally) crying on. But that is not the point. I guess I am just trying to show everyone she is not the cause of my problems. She has actually up until now been the one who has kept me sane.

Thank you all,
I have to digest all of this. It is sooo hard. But with your help everyone, I know one way or the other I will make it thru this.

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