Don't hold strong opinions, on things you know nothing about.
Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECK-OUT TIME IS 18.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Marriage changes passion: suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK -- they know me here.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.
I don't approve of political jokes; I've seen too many of them get elected.
I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
I have learned there is little difference in wives -- you might as well keep the first.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.