(WARNING TOMORROW IS ST. PADDY'S DAY!!!)The following may not suit everyones taste.. Please not read it if your insulted easily. Its all for fun.....
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HELP GUIDE
ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE
St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's
population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.
Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave,
perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards because by 3 p.m. you
will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper
preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a
fraternity carpet.
The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following
supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in
an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet
and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up:
1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocet
1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 precharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles 1 trauma surgeon
Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note
that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason
that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume
Of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are
going to die.
Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress
enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance
losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have
plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.
Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at
all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston
in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has
bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to
ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.
Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is
liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for
drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an
adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter.
By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild
urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit.
We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the
stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as
you
will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a
cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poser while
Putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask
the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to
your day like the occasional whippet.
Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something,
because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like that,
and
don't eat, he is going to die."
If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling
that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or
Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both
will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names
that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll
hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's
Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".
By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one
option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but
remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.
Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail
out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar
should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is.
By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the
person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some
conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football
really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are
about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-****ing
bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember
those two points, as well at least three
derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours.
You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may
want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.
The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing
time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of ..50 usually
equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way
for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with
Honour is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter
who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You
will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone
since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.
Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes
to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you
leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin
screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend,
and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her
stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out.
By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience
would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and
biologically impossible for you to remember any of it. Tune in next month
for our next self-help guide: The Pros and Cons of Waking Up Naked In
A Dumpster.
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[This message has been edited by Haze_Performance (edited 03-16-2001).]
[This message has been edited by Haze_Performance (edited 03-16-2001).]
[This message has been edited by Haze_Performance (edited 03-16-2001).]
